Myth-Busters: Understanding the Realities of Relationships

Do you think love is enough to sustain a relationship? In this episode, I share with you 5 common misperceptions or myths that my clients have shared with me over the years and what research and my experience says to debunk them. Like "All You Need Is Love".  See if you have any of these myths floating around in your head.

Chapters

• 0:09 Mythbusters
• 10:39 Love Communication Tips and Resources

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:09

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Mythbusters Understanding the Realities of Relationships episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach them how to do it and how to be the best version of themselves and live the life they love.

Bill Simpson: 0:37

In my coaching career I've worked with hundreds of clients and it never ceases to amaze me some of the misperceptions that folks have about relationships. And then I have to realize that I had misperceptions of what it meant to be in a relationship, and it took me a long time and three divorces later to understand and get the realities of what it means to be in a long-term committed relationship. In this episode, I'm going to share with you five common misperceptions or myths that my clients have shared with me over the years and what research and my experience says to debunk it. See if you have any of these myths or misperceptions floating around in your head.

Bill Simpson: 1:24

The first one is all we need is love. Well, while it's true that love is the foundation of the relationship, it takes a lot more than the emotion of love, and I can honestly say that it wasn't about whether I loved my exes. It was that the relationship needed more, and I've seen plenty of couples who've loved each other and have their relationships fall apart. So, along with love, to make relationships last research says it starts with a deep commitment you also have to be able to communicate with each other effectively. You have to have mutual respect for one another, and it helps to have similar values and interests too. Then there's the pragmatic, day-to-day functioning element relationship.

Bill Simpson: 2:19

I can't help but think about the conversation I had in my last episode with Dr Mark Hicks talking about the five components of love he came up with, you know grief, emotion, practicality, appearance and passion. So it's more than just the emotional component of love. It's all the other components working in harmony to help increase the longevity of the relationship. So even though the Beatles made it sound easy with their song All we Need Is Love, it really isn't that easy. Comedian and writer Greg Barrett put it this way quote Love is a wonderful thing, but it's not the only thing. A relationship is like a house Without a solid foundation, it doesn't matter how beautiful it is, it will eventually crumble. Unquote

Bill Simpson: 3:09

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Bill Simpson: 3:11

Now the second myth that comes up a lot is happy. Couples don't argue. Nope, all couples have conflicts at some time or another. It's completely normal. My wife and I don't have major arguments, yet we do have our tight spots and we have the skills to get out of them our tight spots, and we have the skills to get out of them. And there are couples, I know, that "every a loud, intense argument you know a knockout, dragout argument and then 30 minutes later they're having wild, passionate makeup sex. Relationship expert. John Gottman's research says that it's not about whether couples argue or not. It's about how they argue and how they handle their conflicts. That matters. Handling arguments or conflicts in a mutually constructive and compassionate way helps to build safety, trust, understanding and intimacy in the relationship, which are all necessary for the health and longevity of the relationship. There's a quote from author Nicholas Sparks that simply states quote every couple needs to argue now and then, just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Unquote Now.

Bill Simpson: 4:30

Another myth I've heard over the years is that opposites attract and make better partners. Well, initially, in the beginning of the relationship, opposites may indeed attract. Yet when you're going for the long term of the relationship, research says that couples who have similar attitudes, values and backgrounds tend to have more stable and satisfying relationships and backgrounds tend to have more stable and satisfying relationships.

Bill Simpson: 4:58

One of the things I say a lot about my wife and me is that we're similar and just enough different to make it work. One example with us is that my wife is a yoga teacher and it's her favorite form of mindful movement and exercise. For me, as a master Tai Chi instructor, tai Chi is my favorite. Although our preferred form of exercise may be different, it's similar in that we value and are committed to mindful movement and exercise. Similar enough and just enough different.

Bill Simpson: 5:30

I'm going to quote relationship researcher and expert, John Gottman, who I talked about earlier. He "similarities similarities create the strongest bonds, while differences, when managed well, add richness to the relationship. Having those similarities do create the best bond. Having a little variety adds some spice to the relationship. .

Bill Simpson: 5:54

Another myth that recently came up for me is jealousy is a sign of true love and caring. Yeah, a client of mine reminded me of this last week when she said about her jealous husband. She said at least that means he loves me, and I got her to see it in a different way Now. Her jealous husband may care and love her, but excessive jealousy is really a sign of insecurity and can be damaging to the relationship in the long run. I explained to her that excessive jealousy can often turn into control issues which can break down trust and a sense of security in the relationship. And when I said that, her eyes opened wide and was like that's how I feel, like he's controlling me.

Bill Simpson: 6:43

What's often happening is the excessively jealous person loses sight of the other person because they're so self-absorbed with their own insecurities and they feel the need to be in control. Absorbed with their own insecurities and they feel the need to be in control. And let me tell you, love is not about jealousy or control. It's about creating space and safety that allows the other person to feel free to be their authentic self. And I know for me, jealousy and control have no room in my marriage and I have never felt more free and more me in my relationship.

Bill Simpson: 7:20

Here's a quote from author Robert A Heinlein about jealousy. He "jealousy jealousy is a disease. Love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy." Unquote

Bill Simpson: 7:39

And the final myth that I will discuss is a good relationship means I shouldn't have to work at it. Oh man, this one gets me every time it's because you do the work that makes the relationship last. It's like if you don't do regular maintenance on your car, it's going to break down at some point, right? Well, the same goes for your relationship.

Bill Simpson: 8:06

Marriage researcher Dr Terry Orbach did a long-term study of married couples and it showed that the happiest couples were the ones that worked on their relationship consistently. Communicating openly and showing gratitude and appreciation for each other key.

Bill Simpson: 8:25

One thing that I mention a lot on this podcast is the ritual that my wife and I have Each night before we go to sleep we offer at least three appreciations to each other. It's just one of the ways we consistently work at our relationship, and I want to say that part of why I'm a relationship coach is to remind myself what I have to do consistently to maintain my marriage and make it the well-oiled machine it is. Businessman and author

Bill Simpson: 8:55

Harvey MacKay sums it up nicely with this quote. He says "relationships are like jobs you have to work at them to make them successful, make sense, yeah, so there you go Just a few myths and misperceptions about relationships.

Bill Simpson: 9:13

To summarize, the reality of relationships is that it takes more than just love. Happy couples do argue Opposites don't always make the best partners. And, yes, you need to consistently work at your relationship. It all starts with you both being the best version of yourselves for yourselves and bring that to your relationship and that will bring this episode of the men on the path to love podcast to an end. The mythbusters, understanding the realities of relationships episode. I'm bill simpson, your host. Thanks for listening

Bill Simpson: 10:02

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Bill Simpson: 10:03

Coming up on the next episode is another bonus episode with my guest, brian McAllister. He tells his amazing story of overcoming 30 plus years of the horrors of addiction to now helping others on a large scale to overcome their addiction menonthepathtolove. com support their mental health issues. To overcome their addiction and support their mental health issues. It is truly an inspiring story of resilience, faith and the strength we all have within Ways Don't Communicate Better Overcoming Relationship, brian's Story of menonthepathtolove. com,

Bill Simpson: 10:35

And and Service episode. .

Bill Simpson: 10:39

And if you have a story you would like to share, or a relationship myth or a topic you'd like for me to cover, cover or just want to get in touch with me, you can do so at my website, menonthepathtolovecom. Once you're there, you can sign up for a free coaching session on how to communicate better in relationship. I also have a free cheat sheet. You can download Five ways to communicate better in relationship. Just go to menonthepathtolovecom, and if you would like to see more love in the world, I ask that you simply let others know about this podcast in any way you see fit. It's time to share the link and share the love, and until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.