Men on the Path to Love

Seeking the Risk: Adam's Journey Into Non-Monogamy*

Bill Simpson Season 3 Episode 19

In this episode, you’ll hear my conversation with Adam, a life-long risk taker and extreme sports competitor.  He’s also the author of the book “Seek the Risk: One Man’s Journey Into Non-Monogamy.”  It’s really an amazing story of courage, strength, self-reflection, vulnerability AND a lesson about the importance of taking risks in relationship and in life, to learn and grow, to be the best version of yourself, and live the life you love.
 
*Language and adult subject matter

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Bill Simpson:

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast bonus episode Seeking the Risk Adam's Journey into Non-Monogamy. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach them how to do it and how to be the best version of himself, for himself and for his current or future relationship, and live the life he loves.

Bill Simpson:

In this bonus episode, you'll hear my conversation with Adam, a lifelong risk taker and extreme sports competitor. He's also the author of the book Seek the Risk One Man's Journey into Non-Monogamy about the biggest risk he had ever taken a non-monogamous relationship. It's an amazing story of courage, strength, self-reflection and a lesson about the importance of taking risks in relationship and in life to learn and grow, to be the best version of yourself and live the life you love. There's a lot of talk about sex and some explicit language in this episode, so fasten your seat belts for Seeking the Risk Adam's Journey into Non-Monogamy. It's the Men on the Path to Love podcast. Welcome, adam to Men on the Path to Love.

Adam:

Well, thanks, Bill, it's good to be here.

Bill Simpson:

Yeah, I appreciate you reaching out. The title of your book really stood out for me. You Seek the Risk One Man's Journey into Nonmonogamy and I did do an episode on ethical nonmonogamy a few weeks back and learning about the trials and tribulations of that experience and then reading the excerpts from your book man, what a ride you've been on, yeah. So let's start. I know your whole book is about your life story. Really, tell us your story. Tell us your experience of who you are and where you've gotten to today.

Adam:

Right? Well, try to make it brief Grew up in New York City in the 80s, which was a pretty wild and crazy time, and I don't know if it was nature or nurture, but I got really turned on to intense experiences as a young child. In my 20s this morphed into engaging in extreme sports and competing in extreme sports, trying to make a living in extreme sports as a professional, and that didn't work out and I ended up going to the professional world, but it taught me early on the value of experiences that produce intense emotions fear one of them. The lessons I learned in the sports world really helped me as I moved into life and got into more professional endeavors, but it wasn't until I met Jane that I had to start using all this life experience in a relationship that challenged me in ways I had never even conceived of before.

Adam:

I met Jane, and I instantly was taken with her. She was just brilliantly smart. She was gorgeous, outgoing fun, liked to do all kinds of crazy adventures with me climbing, surfing. There was this. One issue, though, is that she was very upfront about this she's non-monogamous, she did not believe in monogamy, and she had every intention of fucking whoever she wanted to, whenever she wanted to.

Bill Simpson:

One little thing right.

Adam:

Oh yeah, just this one little thing, right? Oh yeah, yeah, just just just this one little, one little problem. And so as we started getting closer and closer, um, she was like look, if, if this, if we're going into a relationship, you have to be okay with this, cause that's who I am and I'm not changing. And my MO in life has always been this idea of seek the risk. It's actually a longer statement, it's seek the risk, not the reward, and my friends and I who are in the adventure sports world, what that means is that you're going for the experience itself. Yes, you want the reward at the end, but the real value is in the experience and the lessons you learn about yourself by being confronted with challenges, mental and physical.

Bill Simpson:

Sure, I mean life's all about taking risk. I mean you could hurt yourself, you could hurt someone else, you could flop, but if you don't take a risk, that's not living your life.

Adam:

Right. But this was the first time I'd had that philosophy challenged at me in the form of a relationship, a romantic relationship, and that was terrifying to me. What she was proposing felt like something out of a movie plot or a cult, and I'd had a couple threesomes with my girlfriends in the past and I felt I was pretty sexually experienced for that and she was like, oh, that's adorable. That was nothing compared to what she'd been. Yeah, exactly so vanilla for her. And so I was burned with a choice Do I want to get into a relationship with this woman? That I was terrified. What did it mean for my masculinity? What did it mean for who I was? What did it mean for jealousy? Was I going to be able to get up every morning and exist with someone that was pushing my buttons in this way every morning and exist with someone that was pushing my buttons in this way?

Adam:

And I think chapter three is when I have this long conversation with myself while I'm out on the bike, riding in traffic in New York City, about what does it mean to be a man and what do I want out of life? And do you truly someone who seeks the risk, not the reward, or are you looking for the perfect female companion that everyone's impressed by. So I decided you know what? Let's see what happens. Because what I had learned in life is that when I push myself out of my comfort zone and I go through experiences that kind of shock me and shake me, I generally come out a better version of myself on the other side, and I decided that this relationship possibly was the same thing could be, and so I dove in.

Bill Simpson:

And when you say, you know getting out of your comfort zone, you know working with my clients, that's what it's all about. It's like you got to get out of that comfort zone. Your old familiar patterns, you know, can just keep you stuck and what you're doing is you're living your life, you're expanding and going for it, and either you're going to flop or not, but go for it. So keep going. Tell us about Jane.

Adam:

Well, yeah. So it was like here you go, adam. Are you actually going to walk the walk or are you just going to talk the talk? Here you go Now, all of a sudden, I'm presented with these challenges in a romantic relationship. So the first major challenge that I was presented with was when I said OK, we'll get into this relationship. She posted on Facebook Adam and I are in an open relationship.

Adam:

Whoa Now what's funny is that Facebook doesn't just let someone post that. You need to approve it. So I was like in my house at like midnight, whatever surfing the web when I got the notification. Uh, you know, jane has indicated she's in an open relationship with you. Are you in an open relationship with Jane? And I had to approve it. And it's sitting there and I'm like, wow, here's, here's the moment of truth.

Adam:

Um and, uh, I sat there for a while at a very long conversation with myself. I was like, okay, here we go. And I pushed the button and my world turned upside down. Now this was about 15 years ago, so actually even longer at this point, about 18 years ago. Um, so the world has moved forward in that time.

Adam:

Back then everything went haywire. Every single one of my friends was like what You're in an open relationship? My best friend was like you let other guys fuck your woman? And I was like, hey, man, I don't let her do anything other than let her be female. Also surprising to me during that time was how much value she lost as a woman in the eyes of society when they found out she was sexually open.

Adam:

When I first introduced Jane to all my friends and family, she's getting a PhD from an Ivy League university. She spoke five languages. She was like, honestly, like European supermodel, gorgeous, uh, dressed, incredibly well, like she was the full package, and everyone thought, oh my god, adam hit the jackpot. But as soon as they found out she was open, she lost value. So it was a really eye-opening experience for me. Some of that was I was even myself. I was like surprised that the that, the emotions that were coming up in me. So it was, it was a. It was a wild experience. That was the very beginning, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. Then I had to get into the actual realities of being with a woman who routinely did have sex with other men. And yeah, so that's how it all started.

Bill Simpson:

Well, in reading the book, especially about you know the Fight Club and that experience of first of all realizing, after she became your wife, right.

Adam:

Yeah, so we actually then actually ended up being married and stayed married for 10 years. It was an absolutely wonderful experience, which is why I wrote a book about it.

Bill Simpson:

Yeah, and from that you were saying and I don't know, I can't remember how many years you'd been married, but all of a sudden you realized you were falling in love with your wife. Yeah, yeah, Tell us about that.

Adam:

Yeah, so that's a little bit of a funny story. So we met and she was in school and we were. We started a relationship. We were going back and forth and she finishes school and she moves in with me, and that's actually when shit got really real. When we were separated, it was almost like a don't ask, don't, don't tell situation. I knew she was doing her stuff, but it was always when I wasn't around. That was when she was up at school or when I was out West working, um. So I kind of pretended it wasn't happening. But after she graduated, we'd been together or in a relationship for over two years and she moved in and I had assumed that she would stop behaving that way once we moved in together.

Adam:

Could, not have been more wrong, but we weren't married. She's from Eastern Europe and after she graduated she lost her student visa, so she was at the end of the year she was going to have to go back to Europe. So we ended up getting married just because we actually were. We really liked each other, we were having fun and I was in the sex was. I was living a sex life you dream about on one hand, and on the other hand, I was in turmoil with jealousy and masculinity questions and I was living a double life in my head almost. So we ended up getting married.

Adam:

But we fell in love probably a year after we got married, which is funny because the marriage was immigration-based. We were obviously, we cared about each other, we were in a relationship, but neither of us really believed in marriage. But after another year together, at the end of the year, she posted again on Facebook. I fell in love with my husband this year and I was like, hey, yeah, she's right, we were in love. So it wasn't the most traditional of marriage proposals, but nonetheless, yeah.

Bill Simpson:

Well, it makes sense, you know, with the immigration, marriage, you know. Then that puts it in perspective like, oh yeah you know, here we are in this relationship and let's go ahead and get married for that reason. And then boom, you fell in love.

Adam:

Yeah, it fell in love and it was. Yeah, it was a perfect example of. I'd never really expected to fall in love with her the way I did, especially given her sexual exploits. But the woman that she was sex aside was just someone I really wanted to be with, and here's one of the key points that I make in the book about the relationship.

Adam:

I was terrified of what she was suggesting we do and I kind of wanted to say no. But I also kind of wanted to say yes because there was a lot of benefits to it. But I wanted to make sure. If I was going to say no to her, it was because I decided the lifestyle she wanted to live wasn't for me, not because I was afraid of the lifestyle. I didn't want to say no because I was scared to find out. I wanted to say no because I really got comfortable and decided you know, this isn't for me. So that's how we ended up being married. That's how we ended up diving in. That's how I ended up getting deeper and deeper into this craziness. Yeah, yeah.

Bill Simpson:

Well, and in this chapter you talk about the friendship with Sophie.

Adam:

Oh, the Fight Club chapter.

Bill Simpson:

Yeah, fight Club chapter that I was reading and first of all, tell us that story because it led up to what I was reading from you so much vulnerability and so many feelings that were stirring up inside of you. Tell us that story.

Adam:

Sure, I'll give a little background first, and that any intense experiences that bring emotions to the surface for me, I know, okay, there's a chance to work on myself if these emotions are negative emotions and they're self-inflicted negative emotions and such. So one of the reasons I dove into this relationship was specifically for that. I wanted to learn more. I knew that the non-monogamy was going to be an incredibly sharp knife that would cut into my soul, and I figured that was going to be a great way to look under the hood and find things out about myself I never knew were there. A great way to look under the hood and find things out about myself. I never knew were there. And this all comes to a head in chapter nine, which is Fight Club, which is the real pivot point in the book, where, after I go through all this craziness and I finally get to the root of a lot of the issues that are driving me crazy. And so the chapter is about a friend of hers named Sophie. All names are changed in the book and I'm anonymous. Yeah, I'd such pleasure to tell all your listeners that Everyone's anonymous. I'm anonymous.

Adam:

So Sophie was a PhD friend of Jane's that they had this great little fun relationship. They were party animals together. They went out. They didn't have a sexual chemistry. Sophie was a lot more conservative than Jane was, so their wildness was purely kind of fun, partying out running around New York City. They became best friends. She was always staying with us. She was just a wonderful human being.

Adam:

Anyway, she gets diagnosed with inoperable stomach cancer and is given six months to live and I mean it was absolutely heartbreaking. But one of her bucket lists she decided well, I've got six months to live, I want to do a bucket list and one of her bucket lists is to have a foursome where she gets double penetrated by two men and her and Jane sort of have this crazy fun night together. The key thing there was that Sophie and I had no attraction to each other so I was not invited to be part of the foursome, which in itself was kind of an ego hit. But I kind of understood why. But then there's this idea and without knowing the lead up to it it's a little difficult.

Adam:

One of the hardest things I had troubles with in my relationship with Jane was I didn't like knowing about hookups she was going to have in the future. I only liked knowing about hookups. I didn't't like knowing about hookups she was going to have in the future. I only liked knowing about hookups. I didn't like even like the past. I just after the fact was easier because it was in the past. It happened. Jane and I are still together. That was a lot easier for me to process. A lot of the book is about me learning how to process all the experiences that Jane was having, because to her, sharing them with me, verbally talking about them, was sort of a love language for her. She's very much a different kind of woman.

Bill Simpson:

Yeah, that's it.

Adam:

But so this whole I refer to as the Sophie foursome this whole experience pushed me to the edge of who I was. It was something that was happening in the future, it was something that I was excluded from and it tapped into all of my fears and all the rot in my psyche around who I was and self-worth issues and imposter syndrome issues, masculine issues, validity issues as to my value. It was one of the hardest things I'd ever gone through was when this happened and I left town. I went out West. I didn't even want to be around and it it it broke me down to a place I didn't even know I could get to, uh, like on the floor, bleeding, lying there, knocked out.

Bill Simpson:

Yeah, there was a part in that chapter where you were waiting to hear back from Jane.

Adam:

Yeah.

Bill Simpson:

And the agony that I experienced reading it. Like I could only imagine, like you were so descriptive and so in touch with all those painful feelings because she hadn't responded. You would text her, you'd try to call her and no response. Tell us about that.

Adam:

Yeah, so I'm out west, so I'm three hours behind her no-transcript. Oh my God, I'm worthless. What did I? Who did I think? Why did I think she would fall in love, with just all these incredibly juvenile responses? I was upset she didn't call and that was totally valid. But the self-worth issues that my brain, the death spiral that my brain was going on, was purely self-inflicted and all the self-worth issues and what I thought I was doing getting into this relationship. I was stupid. How could I have let myself be fooled? All this negative stuff and that, yeah, that day was one of the hardest days of my life not to call up and start screaming at her or leave angry voicemails. It was to this day. I'm still impressed I actually didn't do that, but it was razor thin Because when Jane finally did call, it was actually one of the most moving phone calls I've ever had in my life and Jane came out of the experience even more in love with me, which I never could have expected.

Bill Simpson:

Now you were playing all these scenarios out in your head, and then the reality was she was more in love with you than ever.

Adam:

Yeah, I call that the negative outcome. Fantasy spiral. Yeah, it's like you're creating a fantasy. You have no idea what's going on, and but you're. You're so sure your head is creating these negative fantasies. Oh, this is. I know this is what's happening. I know I'm going to so angry I'm going to.

Bill Simpson:

Yeah, when you don't get that response, it's natural to to have those thoughts.

Adam:

Absolutely and in all fairness, it was kind of bullshit. She didn't and she admits it and I was like, yeah, that was shitty, I totally should have checked in. I'm really sorry, but again, once we did speak, we spent two hours on the phone. She described the whole night to me, which soundedly I had yet inwardly I was in complete turmoil. But what was interesting about that whole experience?

Adam:

And after it's over, I go back to the videotape, so to speak, and I absolutely run through all the emotions and everything that happened with me and I really tried to figure out why the negative outcome fantasy, the death spiral of emotions, had been so me and I really tried to figure out why the negative outcome fantasy, the death spiral of emotions, had been so intense, why I had been making up instead of just waiting. Yeah, okay, waiting was tough, why had all this happening? And during that period and I really explored, the hood was open on me my heart was exposed raw to the world and I dove deep into who I was to find out where those negative emotions were coming from. And I found out there was a lot of imposter syndrome, fear that I was still holding from childhood about being excluded from stuff, and I was carrying this stuff with me and I didn't realize how much it was affecting my everyday life, and that was a perfect example of the reason I got into the relationship about seek the risk, not the reward.

Adam:

Is that experience? The Sophie Forson experience allowed me to see into my soul in a way I don't think I could have any other way, and allowed me to make some changes and to address some things that are allowing me to have a much better life now. That was the prize right there. It was a horrible experience, but I learned so much about myself in it and right there, that was the whole point. I got into the relationship. I thought I'm going to learn a lot about myself here.

Bill Simpson:

That's amazing, and did you go through any therapy or anything?

Adam:

No, I think in the book I say I probably should have been in therapy.

Bill Simpson:

I say I probably should have been in therapy. Well, the reason why I'm asking is that how you processed all that within yourself, that's amazing to me. Like you had the insight and taking another risk to really reflect on yourself and where you were, and to have been able to express yourself in writing and all those emotions that came up, whether it was that night or, you know, over a period of time, that you came up with this. That in itself is just just amazing to me.

Adam:

I appreciate that, thank you, and I credit a lot to that, to my involvement in the extreme sports world. I've journaled my whole life and there's a lot of my journal entries from earlier in the book and I always processed my emotions around competing in the sports I did and just life in general. I always processed that in writing Since a very young age. I just had done that naturally, and I'm not saying that's a substitute for therapy. I'm in therapy now Now.

Bill Simpson:

I've seen the value of therapy. It's great.

Adam:

It was a tool I had developed to help me get through difficult stuff, cause I have a lot of fear. People in the book I I do a lot of comparing the relationship to a lot of um, extreme rock climbing I did free soloing and the the emotions when they come up they're very similar in terms of the fear and trying to manage fear and trying to reframe fear. So I I hear what you're saying and I I really appreciate that and it was sort of just a natural. It was the first time I'd ever really done it in a romantic relationship but it was remarkably easy to move that function over from the sports world to romantic world.

Bill Simpson:

Yeah, so it's just in general overcoming that fear of whatever it is.

Adam:

It's overcoming, being controlled by your emotions, be it fear, be it jealousy, be it whatever it is, and understanding that emotions don't always serve you well, and if you recognize that, it can change how you process the world. It's funny the original title of the book was Chill the Fuck Out, because that was my, that's always been my mantra. Because that was my. That's always been my mantra. Especially if I'm climbing or free soloing and all of a sudden my brain starts going down a death spiral. It's like, hey, chill the fuck out, right, that's my mantra. But there was this point in my life where I realized that experiences were better because of the intense feelings, not in spite of them.

Bill Simpson:

Right.

Adam:

And that was a huge switch in my brain where I used to think there was something wrong with me because I had fear. But no fear is incredibly natural. It's what you do with it, that's how you process it, how you internalize it. That's where the difference is. It's not about not having fear. It's about how do you let fear affect your decision making.

Bill Simpson:

Yeah, and that's part of what I do in my practice is a mindfulness approach to those thoughts, to your feelings, even what's going on in your body. It's like you can't really control that. All you can control is how you respond to them and you get to make a choice based on what's important to you Forget the rest of the world, like what matters to you, and that's how you decide to respond to those. Yeah, I want to go back to how you were describing about questioning your own masculinity through that process with Jane. Tell me a little bit more about that.

Adam:

Sure. So I think we all have stories in our heads about who we are. I think that's pretty natural, and I don't know if it's more or less with young men, but it certainly felt pretty powerful for me. In my 20s I had this idea of who I was. I was a tough guy, I did tough things. I competed in these extreme sports. I did these things.

Adam:

I had a narrative in my head about my masculinity and who I was, but an incredibly large part of it was based was based on all this second party validation. Um, getting together with Jane completely blew that out of the water for a couple of reasons. Um, I didn't really understand how much I was basing my own idea of my masculinity on the desirability of my female partner. As a heterosexual male, uh, how desirable my female partner was became a part of how I was defining myself in my twenties and early thirties. And when Jane came into my life, that was shattered like with a two by four to the face, kind of shattered Uh, and I lost a lot of respect, uh, a lot of respect from the outside world and people who I really cared about. So I was forced to start trying to find other ways to think about my masculinity. That was a beautiful result of this experience, and so you know what is masculinity.

Adam:

In the book, I talk about bland masculinity and toxic masculinity. And if you're too bland, you're boring. If you're too intense, you're toxic. Both of those ends of the spectrum are extreme examples of valuable qualities. I want to be sensitive, I want to be caring, I want to be nurturing, but I also want to be tough and strong and the person that my partner can count on.

Adam:

And trying to understand that idea and take the best parts of both ends of the spectrum became how I started thinking about my masculinity. How do I want to behave? That's what it means to be a man. I want to be confident in the choices I make, choices in terms of how I behave, to be the ones that people say, wow, that's a quality individual. And making that transition from this second party validation about my heterosexuality into wow, there's a strong guy who cares for people, who's tough, who does the right thing, who knows right from wrong that's how I started thinking about my masculinity. Now, by the time this was all going on, I was in my early 40s and I don't know if I would have had the wherewithal all going on. I was in my early 40s and I don't know if I would have had the wherewithal to do it when I was in my 20s or even early 30s. I think I needed the experience of going through all that life to get to the 40s in order to make that transition possible.

Bill Simpson:

Absolutely. Yeah, that experience teaches us a lot of things about ourselves, about our own masculinity and so on, and I had a similar version. You know, we were conditioned and socially, you know, as men to be a certain way, and I went through all that myself and had to learn the hard way, so to speak, and evolved to where I am today. I'm curious where's Jane in the picture now?

Adam:

We are no longer married. The relationship ended after 10 years. We are very close friends. She helped immeasurably with the book. We had a period where we didn't speak for a little while. We needed some separation and I talk about that in the book. But she's family In fact. I was hanging out with her last night. Oh nice, we had a party, together with her and her new boyfriend Oddly, who has read the book and he's like well. Thank you for writing this. You gave me an instruction manual for Jane.

Bill Simpson:

That's awesome. I love it, oh man.

Adam:

And so, yeah, we eventually split. I realized that wasn't the relationship I wanted, and so, yeah, we divorced. But again, we're the, we're the, we're very close.

Bill Simpson:

That's great, adam. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time today to show not only your strength and your courage, you know, through your vulnerability and all of your experience and and having the courage to share it with folks in writing. You know, like ah to the world. You know, and I think men reading this book certainly can get something out of it, a lot out of it. Any last minute words you want to say before we wrap things up.

Adam:

I think you know the book was also another example of seeking the risk. Writing it and opening up it was honestly. Writing the book was the hardest thing of of seeking the risk writing it and, uh and opening up it was honestly. Writing the book was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It took me two and a half years. I wrote it during the pandemic um and I was sequestered and it was so hard and I had the most brilliant editor, who actually is, uh, has known me my entire life so he could call bullshit on me over and over again. It was great.

Adam:

So the writing of the book was really an incredibly wonderful experience. It was really hard. Even publishing it was very scary. But again, because it was scary, I knew there was a chance I'd come out a better version of myself on the other side, and that's exactly what happened. The response has been incredible. I've probably gotten over 200 emails from men and women who have said, oh my God, thank you for writing this. I didn't know that other people had these feelings. It's so great to read about that and that has been a wonderful experience. So I hope people check it out.

Bill Simpson:

If folks want to check it out, how can they get access to that book? People check it out. If folks want to check it out, how can they get access to that book.

Adam:

Yeah, I have a website for the book seektherisknet seektherisknet, and in there there's links to wherever you like buying your books, be it Barnes, noble, amazon. There's Audible. There's an Audible version of it where Jane and I read our parts. Oh cool.

Adam:

I love that it's on Spotify too. If you're a Spotify subscriber, it's included in your subscription, and if you want to email me directly, you can reach me at adam at seektherisknet. I respond to all emails I get from people and I love hearing people's thoughts about the work, so please reach out if you're interested.

Bill Simpson:

Right, and I'll have all that contact information in the show notes for folks who didn't quite get that. And again, adam, thank you so much. I wish you much success with your book. And you mentioned 200 people emailing you even though you weren't looking for outside validation. Man, look at that.

Adam:

It's just, it's so nice. Yeah, it's just. I just like that people are engaging with the art and enjoying it. Honestly, I wrote the book for me, just to get it out there and to try something I'd never done, and to have the response that I've been getting has been wonderful.

Bill Simpson:

That's going to do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast. Bonus episode Seeking the

Bill Simpson:

Adam's journey into non-monogamy. Thank you for listening and thanks again to Adam for sharing his amazing story. You'll find Adam's contact information in the show notes. My c menonthepathtolove. menonthepathtolove..

Bill Simpson:

My coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast how would you like to make your spouse or partner feel loved? That's what relationships are all about, right? Well, in the next episode I will give you tips straight from what my women clients have said over the years and what research says. Please join me for Love in Action. What research says Please join me for Love in Action how to Make your Spouse or Partner Feel Loved episode. And if you have an idea or topic for the show, please let me know by visiting my website at menonthepathforlovecom. Contact information's right there and you can even register for a free coaching session with me and you can download my free cheat sheet Five Ways to Communicate Better in Relationship. Once again, it's at menonthepathtolovecom, and as I continue to fulfill my love mission, I am asking your help in spreading more love in the world by letting folks know about this podcast. Please share the link and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.