Men on the Path to Love Podcast
S2 Ep21
Do/Don’t: Navigating Ambivalence in Relationship
Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Do/Don’t: Navigating Ambivalence in Relationship, episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host, I coach men who are struggling in relationship how to communicate effectively, build trust and deepen intimacy, so they can be the best version of themselves in relationship, and live the life they love!
I first heard the expression “do/don’t” years ago from a therapist I was seeing at the time. It was in a group therapy session she was leading and one of the group members was talking about his partner. He shared about how they had gotten into an argument over the weekend over something he thought was stupid. He said that one minute she talked about wanting to go out to eat and the next minute she changed her mind and wanted to stay home. And the therapist said, “she was do/don’t-ing you, I do/don’t want to go.” We all kind of chuckled because we had never heard that before. I thought it was a great way to describe ambivalent behavior.
Have you experienced “do/don’t” in your relationship? I certainly have in the past. Ambivalent behavior can be really frustrating for the person being on the other end of that behavior, and especially when it is chronic or repeated often. And frankly, I can imagine it might be hard for the person who is being chronically ambivalent, you know, how frustrating it must be for them not being able to make up their mind about something and being paralyzed trying to make a decision.
And there are a lot of reasons why some folks are ambivalent:
Many who are ambivalent are simply afraid of making the wrong decision, especially when there are a variety of choices. It can paralyze them in making a decision.
Sometimes it’s having a conflict in values or priorities that make it hard to decide. Torn as too what’s more important to them
They may have difficulty managing their emotions, and have low self-esteem or low self-confidence, all can contribute to ambivalence.
If they have history of trauma, is a big reason and it can certainly make it hard to make decisions.
Perfectionism is another reason. If they are a perfectionist, they may be afraid that they will not live up to their expectations, and, again make the wrong decision.
Peer pressure and social expectations can make it hard for some people to make a decision.
Sometimes it just comes down to their personality traits, they could have anxiety, neuroticism, borderline personality disorder and more.
Chronic ambivalence can be really complex and influenced by a variety of factors, and may vary depending on the individual. When someone is chronically ambivalent in relationship, it can be crazy-making to be on the other end of it.
That was the case for Caleb (not his real name). His partner Caitlin (not her real name) fit the description of being chronically ambivalent. When they first met, Caleb thought it was kind of cute when Caitlin couldn’t decide at times. It could’ve been about where to eat, what movie or TV show to watch, simple stuff like that. Caleb would just step in and decide. It was kind of good for his ego. Overtime though, it became more and more of a problem and was no longer cute.
The first snag was when it came to having sex. Caitlin would send mixed messages at times. She would say how much she wanted to make love and then would change her mind and say no, that she wasn’t up to it. Caleb would get so frustrated.
Another problem arose when they were talking about moving in together
and Caitlin would always be on the fence. She would say she loved him, yet would give some excuse as to why she wasn’t ready to move in.
The last straw for Caleb came when he asked Caitlin to marry him and she did the do/don’t…saying that she wanted to be engaged eventually, just
not right now.
And that’s when I came into the picture. Caleb, not knowing what to do reached out to me for support. I felt for the guy, you know. He really wanted to marry Caitlin yet he said that she was driving him crazy with her ambivalence, and that was considering ending the relationship.
So we did what we could on our end, the usual stuff, you know, how to talk with Caitlin openly, honestly and respectfully about how her behavior impacted him. Practicing reflective listening or the mirroring technique to try to hear her and really understand where she was coming from, having empathy for what it may be like for her. Making room for Caitlin’s autonomy, and being true to herself, along with holding her accountable, setting proper boundaries, and so on.
Caleb really embraced these new skills and went for it. He said that he found them to be very helpful. He actually began to see Caitlin in a different light and responded accordingly. She opened up to Caleb in a way that she never had. She admitted her ambivalence and could see the impact that it was having on Caleb, and she felt bad about it, she was remorseful. She said that she would work on it. Well, Caleb said that she had made some attempts but still struggled. As a result, he said that he began to distance himself from her just to protect his heart.
Then one evening Caleb got a call from Caitlin and she was in tears.
She said she was afraid that she was going to lose him and decided that she would get some help around her ambivalence. She found a therapist that she really trusted. Through the process, she opened up about how she was often neglected and emotionally abused by her mother as a child, being raised by a single mom with mental health issues.
Caitlin always knew that something wasn’t right, you know, the way her mother treated her, yet she went along with it because it was her mother. She suppressed her intuitive feelings and as a result, struggled to trust her own judgment, which led to her having challenges with decision-making in general, and specifically being ambivalent in relationships.
When Caleb shared this with me, he got all choked up, feeling bad thinking about all that Caitlin had gone through as a child, and rightly so. After allowing room for Caleb to have his feelings, I reminded him in understanding and empathizing about Caitlin’s history, to also continue to hold her accountable, and for her to take responsibility for the impact her ambivalence was having on the relationship.
I remember Caleb saying, “Bill, I’m on it.” Well, he was on it and more. Fast forward, after some hard work, they ended up getting married after all, and both of them were committed to a life of personal growth and mutual support.
Now, this was an amazing story with an amazing outcome, and frankly, pretty rare. Often, chronic ambivalence or do/don’t-ing can cause relationships to fall apart overtime, especially when it’s not addressed in a healthy and effective way.
If you’re experiencing ambivalent behavior from your spouse or partner, chronic or not here are some things you can do:
As I mentioned in Caleb’s story, you will want to talk openly and honestly about the issue. Try to separate the behavior from the person (I did a whole episode on that earlier this season episode 8 to be exact).
Be supportive, have empathy and understanding, through using techniques like active and reflective listening. Build trust by offering reassurance that you are committed to working together to try to make things work.
And with understanding, hold her accountable and responsible for her choices.
Allow room for her autonomy in making decisions. Try not to pressure her or coerce her into make the decision YOU want. Rather, try to empower her to really own her decisions.
And after all that and you’re still struggling, please get some help. And you may even need support with doing all that I mentioned. Trust me, getting help is worth it as you go for the long run of your relationship.
I found a quote I’d like to share from author Esther Hicks that brings it home. She says, "To overcome ambivalence in relationships, we must cultivate trust, communication, and empathy, creating a safe space for vulnerability and authenticity to thrive.” You nailed it Esther!
And that will do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Do/Don’t: Navigating Ambivalence in Relationship, episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host, thank you so much for listening.
I’ll tell you what’s coming up on the next episode, but first I want to share an email from a listener that might help you if you’re wondering the same thing. In a nutshell, he had gone through a bad relationship and is currently single. He basically asked if he should wait and work on himself before getting into another relationship. This is a great question and here’s how I’m going to answer it. Yes and no…now hold up, I’m do/don’t-ing aren’t I?
Alright, well the only way to really get good at being in a relationship is to be in a relationship. I can’t tell how many times I’ve heard single people have all this advice about relationships, so why aren’t they in a relationship, right?
Now, you can definitely work on yourself. That should be a lifelong journey, just don’t feel like you have to wait until you’re perfect and totally healed in order to be in a relationship. If you find yourself with the opportunity to be in a relationship, and you want to be in one, go for it! AND work on yourself to be the best version of yourself in relationship…thanks for the email.
Coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, you’ll hear Fred’s story and how everyone thought he was the perfect guy…except his wife, and what he did about it! Please join me for the When Your Spouse Isn't Your Fan: Clarifying Perceptions in Relationship episode.
If you have any suggestions or topics for the podcast, any comments you’d like to share or have any issues in your relationship you need help with, please email me at Bill@menonthepathtolove.com, that’s Bill@menonthepathtolove.com.
And if you would prefer to talk with me instead, no problem. You can schedule a free, hour long, discovery call with me, and we can talk about anything you’d like. And one call may be all you need. Just visit my website at Men on the Path to Love.com, and right on the home page just scroll down and click on the scheduling link and sign up. It’s just that easy. Once again go to menonthepathtolove.com.
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And until next time keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.