Men on the Path to Love
S2 Ep23
The Power of No: Setting Boundaries in Your Relationship
Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, The Power of No: Setting Boundaries in Relationship, episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host, I coach men who are struggling in relationship how to communicate effectively, build trust and deepen intimacy, so they can be the best version of themselves in relationship, and live the life they love!
Setting boundaries in any relationship can be hard for a lot of folks. I know it was hard for me and I had to learn how to say no and set boundaries to save myself in relationship. Setting boundaries can be especially hard if you grew up in an environment where setting boundaries or saying ‘no’ was physically or emotionally dangerous. There are other reasons too that I will cover in this episode.
But first, I’m going to share Pierce’s story (okay, say it with me, not his real name). Pierce was a kind-hearted man, always putting others before himself. His gentle nature often led him to be taken advantage of, especially in his romantic relationships. He would let women walk all over him, you know, he couldn’t say no and assert himself to get his own needs met. He would often blame the women for their behavior, not seeing his part in the dynamic.
In Pierce's first serious relationship his partner would constantly demand his attention and expected him to drop everything for her at a moment's notice. Pierce, was so eager to please, that he would do whatever she wanted without question, even if it meant neglecting his own needs and responsibilities. Eventually, Pierce felt that his partner was taking advantage of his generosity, and he resented her for it, which led to them drifting apart and ending the relationship.
This pattern repeated in several subsequent relationships. He would let women manipulate him into doing things he didn't want to do, guilt-tripping him whenever he tried to assert himself. Pierce, desperate for love and validation, and hoping that by pleasing his partners that they would , reciprocate and they never would. And of course, he would never confront them for fear of losing them, yet the relationship would eventually come to an end anyway.
Pierce eventually got to the point where he was feeling hopeless when it came to relationships. He began to question whether he would ever find a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Well, this all changed when he met Penny (not her real name) while he was playing with his dog at the local dog park. She was walking her dog and it was actually their dogs that introduced themselves first.
They hit it off instantly and ended up dating. Pierced noticed that unlike the other women he had been involved with, Penny was kind, understanding, and showed that she genuinely cared about him. She never took advantage of his kindness or manipulated him into doing things he didn't want to do.
One day, Penny made a subtle comment to Pierce saying that she noticed that they always did what she wanted to do and wanted to know what he wanted to do. Pierce was pleasantly shocked. No one had ever asked him what he wanted. He was so happy.
And then it dawned on him and actually put a spotlight on his old pattern of going along with whatever his partners wanted. This was a new awareness for him. Before it was just what he did and this time he really noticed it. And he thought to himself that it was so nice that she asked yet he felt something click inside him and he had the realization that he never asked for what he wanted, and that he never said no. He realized how terrifying it was to assert himself in any relationship. And with this new awareness he decided to get some help to try figure out how to be more assertive.
Pierce found a therapist at the clinic where I work that he really liked. Through therapy and self-reflection, he began to understand the importance of setting boundaries and saying no when necessary.
He found out through therapy that when Pierce was growing up, he didn’t not have had positive role models who demonstrated healthy assertiveness and boundary-setting. His witnessed his parents struggling with their own boundaries and were often overly accommodating to others. This is where Pierce figured he probably learned that putting others' needs before his own was the expected or was the only way to interact in relationships.
Working together with his therapist and myself, he learned mindfulness, self-compassion and communication skills and eventually felt confident enough to assert himself in his relationship with Penny.
When he finally mustered up the courage to say no to something he wasn't comfortable with, he was pleasantly surprised by Penny's response. Instead of becoming upset or resentful, Penny listened attentively to his concerns and respected his decision. Penny even commented how sexy it was to have Pierce assert himself to express how he felt and what he needed. This positive reinforcement helped to build Pierce's confidence and ended up strengthening their relationship even further.
Pierce's willingness to confront his past patterns and invest in his personal growth, not only transformed his relationship with Penny but also empowered him in all areas of his life. Now, he still slips into his old patterns from time to time (as most of us do) yet with Penny by his side, and his newfound confidence, Pierce continues his journey of self-discovery and personal growth, knowing now that he is worthy and deserving of, and entitled to, love and respect. As all of us are on our path to love.
Pierce’s story is just one example of why it’s important and beneficial to set healthy boundaries in relationship. Some of the benefits of setting healthy boundaries include having better communication, showing respect for yourself and each other, establishing emotional safety, better conflict resolution, preventing abuse, enhancing personal growth. When you as an individual and, together as a couple, establish and respect healthy boundaries, you will have a healthier and more fulfilling relationship, no doubt.
So how do you establish healthy boundaries in relationship? I thought you’d never ask. There are a lot of ways you can set healthy boundaries and I am happy to share some with you:
The first, that you hear me say a lot and that is being self aware. That’s when Pierce made his shift, when he realized he was allowing his partners to walk all over him. Then he had to figure out what he needed and to express those needs. Yeah, I mean Before setting boundaries, it's crucial to understand your own needs, your values, and yours limits, you know, where you draw the line in terms of acceptable for you.
- Being assertive in setting boundaries is another thing Pierce had to learn which is really important. Being assertive is different from being aggressive. Learning assertiveness can help you develop the skills to confidently express your needs and boundaries while at the same time being respectful of your partner. What I did with Pierce and a lot of my clients, is role-playing. Practicing by role-playing can help you be more comfortable asserting yourself in various situations.
- When you set boundaries it’s also important to communicate not only assertively but directly and clearly. Part of this could be using "I" statements to express what you need which help prevent defensiveness or misunderstanding. Like “I feel disrespected and I need you to talk to me in a more respectful, or calmer way” or something.
- Now once you’ve set your boundaries, it's important be consistent. This means not fluctuating or making exceptions when your boundaries are tested. Being inconsistent can undermine the whole reason for setting them in the first place.
- And that leads into having consequences when boundaries are crossed. Yeah, I mean you’re not really setting a boundary if you don’t enforce it with a consequence. That could sound like, “I’ve told you that I’m not going to talk to when you are yelling at me…I’m going to step outside for 15 minutes. When I come back and we’re both calm, then we can talk about it.”
- Now remember, healthy boundaries in a relationship go both ways. Make sure you respect your spouse or partner's boundaries and be willing and open to negotiate and compromise to find solutions that work for both of you.
- And finally as I always say, and that is if you’re having a hard time setting boundaries, get some help and support. No shame.
And to summarize a little bit here, setting boundaries in a relationship requires self-awareness, clear communication, consistency, and mutual respect. By using these strategies, you can establish and maintain healthy boundaries that promote mutual understanding, trust, and respect with your spouse or partner. Ultimately for the long term of your relationship, which is what we’re going for, right?
I love this quote from one of my favorite authors Paulo Coelho, he says “When you say 'yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'no' to yourself.” Yeah man. And remember this, “the only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you not having any.” Give that some thought!
And with that, I will bring this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast to a close, the Power of 'No': Setting Boundaries in Relationship, episode. I’m Bill Simpson, thanks for listening.
Coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, you’ll hear Quinton’s story of how he learned how to keep a positive attitude even after going through an ugly and messy divorce, and how you can too. Please join me for the How to Keep Your Head Up After a Breakup or Divorce, episode.
Now, if you have any suggestions or topics for the podcast, any comments you’d like to share or have any issues in your relationship you need help with, I would love to hear from you. Please email me at Bill@menonthepathtolove.com, that’s Bill@menonthepathtolove.com.
Or visit my website at Men on the Path to Love.com and schedule a free, call with me, and we can talk about anything you’d like. That one call could be all you need. Got to Men on the Path to Love.com and sign up right there on my home page. It’s just that easy. I look forward to hearing from you.
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And until next time keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.