Men on the Path to Love
S2 Ep25
How to Keep Your Head Up After a Breakup or Divorce
Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, How to Keep Your Head Up After a Breakup or Divorce, episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host, I coach men who are struggling in relationship how to communicate effectively, build trust and deepen intimacy, so they can be the best version of themselves in relationship, and live the life they love!
I got an email the other day from a listener who told me that he was getting a divorce. His wife had filed and he was hurting. He wanted to know what he could do to keep going and maintain a positive attitude.
This is not the only time I’ve have men ask me the same type of question. And the fact that this guy even asked how he could keep a positive attitude, said to me that he was already on his way.
Going through a divorce or break up is hard and it sucks, period. It’s one of the top five stressors. I know because I’ve been there more than I like to admit. A couple of months ago I did an episode called How Divorce Can Make You a Better Man. So continuing in this same vein, I’d like to share with you how you can maintain a positive attitude after going through a divorce or break up, and why it’s so important to do so.
I’ll kick it off by sharing Quentin’s story. Quentin (not his real name of course) was a friend of mine. He had built his whole life around his marriage. He and his wife, Quiana (not her real name), had known each other since high school. They never dated in high school yet they were friends. It wasn’t until after going away to the same college that they became more than friends and eventually got married after they graduated.
Fast forward to their late 20’s, Quentin couldn’t have be happier. Then one day, everything changed when Quiana dropped a bomb on him: she wanted a divorce. At first, Quentin was devastated and confused. He couldn't believe it. He didn’t understand what had gone wrong or how, what seemed to be a rock solid foundation, had crumbled. They had just been talking about starting a family. Quentin felt so hurt and was overwhelmed with grief. And he eventually found himself sinking into a really dark place. He was full of despair and self-doubt.
His family was very supportive as well as his friends, myself included. He was able to talk with us and share his pain. Quentin got lots of encouragement and his family and friends really stood by him. The support meant so much to him. He was reminded that he was not alone in the world and that he had people who cared about him deeply. This created a shift in Quentin’s mindset. He was determined not to let his divorce define him. He knew he had to find a way to keep his head up and move forward, that he had a lot more life to live.
This new mindset was all good and well, yet deep inside Quentin was still suffering. As time passed, Quentin realized that he needed to deal with all the feelings anger, sadness, grief and loss. He started seeing a therapist who helped him process those feelings. Through his therapy, Quentin learned to acknowledge his pain without letting it consume him, allowing himself to heal gradually.
Slowly but surely, Quentin began to rebuild his life. He found solace in his passions and hobbies. He rekindled his love for woodworking, which was like meditation for him. He hung out with his friends and laughed a lot. He discovered a whole new sense of strength and self-worth that he had forgotten he had.
Years later, Quentin told me that when he looks back on his journey, that he has a lot of gratitude. He acknowledged that the pain of his divorce would always be a part of his story, yet with maintaining a positive attitude even through the pain, he discovered what resilience was all about.
And knowing that getting through the pain of his divorce, that he felt confident that he could get through anything life put in front of him. Quentin embraced the future with optimism and hope, knowing that he has the courage to face whatever challenges that may come his way.
Yeah, and that’s what experience can teach us. Whenever I’m faced with a challenge, I think back to the most challenging times in my life, and I say to myself “you got through that, you’ll get through this.” And I know it’s true, and it helps me to keep on keeping on.
So if you’re going through a divorce, a break up or even thinking about it.
I’ve got some strategies you can use to get through it with a positive attitude like my friend Quentin did.
- The first thing I’m going to mention which helped Quentin, and helped me a lot as well, was having strong social support. You know, friends and family that you can talk to about the divorce, people you can share your feelings with, and get some validation, rather than isolate in your pain. There’s research that says social support is associated with better psychological adjustment and coping outcomes after a divorce or breakup.
- Another thing that can be helpful in keeping your head up is to practice acceptance and forgiveness: Accepting the reality of the divorce or breakup and practicing forgiveness, both towards yourself and your ex. This can be really hard if you are feeling angry and resentful, and rightly so. Understanding that forgiveness is more for you than your ex, you can let go of the burden of carrying all that really doesn’t serve you. Think about it. What good does it do, right? It doesn’t change anything or make it better. Forgiveness can help you with your healing, and having some kind of closure, and then moving on. Research shows that forgiveness can help reduce psychological distress and increase overall well-being when going through a divorce or break up.
- You also want to be realistic with your expectations: Understanding that healing is a process and that it takes time, and that there will be ups and downs along the way, can help you and avoid stress, and unnecessarily beating yourself up. Research suggests that having realistic expectations about the divorce or breakup process can help you cope better and reduce the stress of it all.
- A technique that I use with my clients to help them stay positive is what’s called reframing. That’s when you catch yourself having a negative thought, then reframing the thought with a more positive or realistic thought. An example of that might sound like, starting with the negative thought, "I'll never find happiness again. This divorce has ruined my life.” And then the reframe could be a simple self-compassion thought that I use a lot like, “Even though I’m having a really hard time, I accept myself just as I am right now.” Or, “Even though I’m having a really hard time, I have to remember that divorce is not the end of my story. It's a chance for a new beginning.”
- So in thinking about that new beginning, it’s important to focus on having goals for the future. Research tells us that setting goals and working to achieve them, can provide a sense of purpose and direction after a divorce or breakup, and in turn, help with resilience. This could be related to career, education, personal interests or hobbies. Like with Quentin getting back into woodworking.
- These are just some strategies you can use to help you stay more positive after a break up or divorce, or any challenging life event. And if you try these strategies and you continue to have feelings of hopelessness or are in distress, there is no shame in getting support from a therapist. What therapy can do is help you process your emotions, develop coping strategies, and get some insight into what you’ve been through, and eventually improve your mental health, and move forward.
Like I said earlier in the show, divorce and break ups are huge stressors. So give yourself some grace and compassion. The pain is real. It’s important to feel that pain so you can heal, AND keep your head up as you move forward. By utilizing these strategies I mentioned after a divorce or breakup, you can get through the transition with greater sense of strength, confidence and hope.
I have a long quote from author and motivational speaker Steve Maraboli who I’ve quoted before, he says "You are not a victim. No matter what you have been through, you’re still here. You may have been challenged, hurt, betrayed, beaten, and discouraged, but nothing has defeated you. You are still here! You have been delayed but not denied. You are not a victim, you are a victor. You have a history of victory.” You tell ‘em Steve!
And that’s going to do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, How to Keep Your Head Up After a Breakup or Divorce, episode.
I’m Bill Simpson your host, thanks for listening!
Coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path podcast, you’ll hear Franco and Francine’s story and how their cultural differences almost ruined their relationship, and what they did about it. Please join me for the United in Diversity: Navigating Cultural Differences in Relationship, episode.
Now, if you have any suggestions or topics for the podcast, any comments you’d like to share or have any issues in your relationship you need help with, feel free to reach out. Just visit my website at Men on the Path to Love.com. You can email me or and schedule a free discovery call with me. Go to Men on the Path to Love.com and sign up right there on my home page. It’s really easy. I look forward to hearing from you.
And, as always, if you know someone who you think might get something out of listening to this podcast, please share the link and share the love.
And until next time keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.