Men on the Path to Love
S2 Ep30
Does Falling Out Of Love Mean It’s Over?
Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Does Falling Out Of Love Mean It’s Over, episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host, I coach men who are struggling in relationship how to communicate effectively, build trust and deepen intimacy, so they can be the best version of themselves in relationship, and live the life they love!
So, does falling out of love mean the relationship is over? It could or maybe not. It may be challenging but not necessarily that it’s over. It all depends on the situation and the individuals involved.
Years ago, I learned about love addiction, that it was a thing. Love addiction, also known as "obsessive love," is when a person becomes overly dependent on romantic relationships or the idea of being in love, and when that fades out, or the honeymoon phase is over, they search for another, and continue the pattern.
There’s that kind of falling out of love. Then there’s the falling out of love over time in a long term relationship. Maybe the couple drifts apart, maybe their interests change, maybe one chooses personal growth and decides to change their mindset, maybe life gets in the way, or the focus is on family or career and not so much the relationship, it could simply be the natural evolution love of a relationship. So, there are a lot factors that can come into play when it comes to falling out of love.
A story that comes to mind is Cliff’s story (not his real name of course) Cliff and Clare (not her real name) had been married for over a decade. They had built a decent life together. They had three kids, good careers and a peaceful home. Their relationship was not without its share of ups and downs, but overall, they had solid relationship with a strong connection to one another.
However, as the years went by, life became increasingly hectic. Cliff's had an amazing career in the tech industry, and with that it required him to work long hours and he had to travel a lot. He was so preoccupied with work that he was tired a lot and would be distant when he was home.
In the meantime, Clare had a lot on her shoulders too. She had a lot of balls in the air that she had to juggle, you know, the duties and responsibilities of being a full-time parent, having her own career demands and goals, feeling the stress of keeping those balls in the air.
Now, they tried really hard to keep their family functioning the best they could. Yet Cliff started to feel a sense of dissatisfaction in his marriage. He couldn’t say exactly when it started, but he notice that the passion and excitement he once felt for Clare was fading.
He loved her deeply, of course, but there was this gnawing feeling inside that something was missing. Cliff wasn’t alone, Clare had noticed the shift in their relationship as well. She missed the intimacy they used to share, not just the lovemaking but the conversations they would have late at night, and how they used to laugh together. She longed for the intimate connection they once had, but she didn't know how to get it back to the way it used to be.
One night, after the kids had gone to bed, Cliff brought it up with Clare. He was very sincere and told her in a heartfelt way that he was falling out of love with her. Clare was shocked and couldn’t believe it. She began crying and asked Cliff if he was having an affair. And he was quick to reassure her told her that it was nothing like that. He said that he would never do anything to hurt her or their family.
Clare was so confused and wanted an answer that Cliff couldn’t really give her. When she asked him if he wanted a divorce he said that he didn’t know. The best he could do was to say that he still loved but that he wasn’t sure if he was in love with her anymore.
Clare felt like the rug had been pulled out from under. She was trying make sense of what Cliff was saying. Then it dawned on her that the shift she was feeling and struggling with was real. Even though Clare was feeling desperate and alone, she wasn’t ready to give up. She got firm with Cliff and basically demanded that they get some help to see if they could salvage their marriage. Cliff was reluctant at first, saying that with his heavy workload that he didn’t have time. Clare pushed even harder and eventually Cliff agreed.
The couples counselor they went to was amazing. With his help, Cliff and started to uncover and get to the bottom of the issues in their relationship. It took a lot of courage for both of them to face their fears and insecurities with a sense of honesty and vulnerability. As they got more and more into the underlying issues that had pulled them apart, Cliff and Clare found a new appreciation for each other's strengths and weaknesses.
They learned how to communicate more openly and authentically, sharing their deepest hopes and fears without feeling judged. Cliff and Clare realized that with the busyness of their lives, they had stopped doing things they used to enjoy together like hiking, dancing and going to shows.
The counselor also offered techniques to help them with their intimacy. It was a little awkward at first, but soon enough their passion for each other was reignited. They started to deepen their connection and rediscovered why they fell in love in the first place.
Slowly but surely, their hard work and effort had paid off. They made a conscious effort to prioritize their relationship. Cliff wasn’t so concerned about his work anymore. He was confident that his career was stable and had the autonomy to make some changes with his schedule. They both made time for date nights, weekend getaways, and were just grateful for any time they could spend together.
As their commitment to grow their relationship continued, Cliff and Clare realized that they didn't just salvage their marriage, they made it stronger. It wasn’t about falling out of love, but deepening the love they already had for each other and ultimately feeling a connection in ways they had never imagined.
So yeah, “falling out of love” doesn’t have to mean the relationship is over right? In fact, it’s pretty common for romantic feelings to shift over time. Research says that those intense romantic feelings at the beginning of the relationship often give way to a more stable, companionate love over the course of a long-term relationship. Like I said earlier it’s a natural evolution.
And again, falling out of love can have different effects depending on individuals involved and other factors in the relationship. Some couples may deal with this change and find new ways to connect and rekindle their relationship like Cliff and Clare did, while others may struggle to overcome it and may eventually drift apart which is usually detrimental to the longevity of the relationship.
One of the biggest issues Cliff and Clare faced was the external stressors work, career and family responsibilities. There can also be financial problems, or family issues can contribute to feelings of falling out of love. Research emphasizes the importance of addressing these external stressors and finding ways to support each other during challenging times.
Another thing to be aware of is that people simply change and grow over time and this can affect romantic feelings within a relationship. I’ve seen it happen where one starts a journey of personal growth and the other doesn’t AND is not supportive. Research says that couples who are able to support each other's personal growth and navigate these changes together are more likely to maintain a strong and lasting connection.
Something that I stress a lot with my clients is having open and honest communication AND be committed to the relationship. Effective communication and commitment to the relationship are so important when addressing issues related to falling out of love. Research suggests that couples who are able to openly talk about their feelings, concerns, and needs are more likely to work through difficulties and keep their relationship going.
And by all means, get some help if you feel yourself falling out of love, and see if you can get back on track. Don’t delay. It is possible. With open communication, commitment, and willingness to address underlying issues, couples can often get through it and have an even stronger connection. And with getting help you may find out that the relationship doesn’t work for you anymore, and that’s ok too. At least you will have help to navigate the end in a healthy way as well. It’s all good.
Here’s a quote for you from Author, Super Coach and Motivational Speaker Tony Robbins, he says "Falling out of love is a wake-up call to reevaluate and reinvest in the relationship, to choose love over complacency.” Wise words Tony!
And that’s gonna do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Does Falling Out Of Love Mean It’s Over, episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host. I appreciate you listening.
Now, coming up in the next episode I’ve got something for all the “bad” husbands. You will hear Byron’s story, he wasn’t just a bad husband, he was a horrible husband. Listen to find out what he learned to become an amazing husband. Please join me for the Mistakes to Miracles: Lessons for Horrible Husbands episode.
If there’s a topic you’d like me to cover, if you have any issues in your relationship you need help with, or just want to connect for any reason, go to my website menonthepathtolove.com, you can email me or set up a free discovery call and we can talk about anything you’d like. And while you’re visiting my website, make sure you download my free cheat sheet 5 Ways to Communicate Better In Relationship. It’s all at menonthepathtolove.com.
And hey, if you know someone who might get something out of listening to this podcast, I’d appreciate it you would share the link and share the love.
And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.