Men on the Path to Love Podcast
S2 Episode 6 Get Out of Your Own Way in Your Relationship
Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Get Out of Your Own Way in Your Relationship episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host, I coach men who are struggling in relationship how to communicate effectively, build trust and deepen intimacy, so they can be the best version of themselves in relationship, and live the life they love!
So when I say get out of your own way in relationship, I’m talking about self-sabotage in relationship. And what I mean by self-sabotage is, it’s about behaviors, actions, or attitudes that someone has that basically, undermines the health, happiness, and success of the relationship. You know, the pattern of behaviors or thoughts that create problems, conflicts, or that gets in the way of the growth and stability of the relationship.
Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby, the author of the book “What’s Your Sabotage?” has her definition, she says "Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn't happen."
I’ll give you an example of this with Trent’s story. Trent (not his real name of course) he was a good guy, with good intentions and yet he had this knack for self-sabotaging his relationships. No matter how well things were going, he somehow found a way to “F” things up.
He would do stuff to undermine trust, like keeping secrets, things he would do behind their backs, being dishonest and lying. He would hide how stressed he was at work, pretending that everything was fine. Then he would make decisions without his partner’s input, like not making plans he was asked to make, or canceling plans they had made together. He would say that he was protecting them from unnecessary worry. Another thing that he would avoid was talking about their future. One thing he never did cheat but he certainly thought about it.
Even when things would be going well, Trent would search for clues that would make him doubt the relationship, the slightest thing would cause him to doubt. Say his girlfriend would make a comment about an actor she found attractive, he would get jealous and say something like, “Is that the kind of guy you want for a boyfriend?” And think that the relationship was doomed. Needless to say, he was pretty insecure.
There was other stuff he did or I should say he didn’t do. He procrastinated a lot. You know, avoiding responsibilities within the relationship, not doing his part, leaving everything up to his partner.
As I just mentioned, he would avoid making specific plans, and he would often distract himself with other activities, like spending extra time golfing or socializing with friends, rather than focus on his relationship.
Trent, in his pursuit of personal growth, often prioritized his own journey over the needs of his relationships. Saying he needed space for him to get to know himself better. And even with his personal growth, he found it terrifying to make himself vulnerable, you know being open and sharing his feelings.
One more thing I’ll add is that as frustrated as his partners would get with Trent, he was always the one to end the relationship.
Well, one day he met Tessa (not her real name). She was a woman who seemed to understand Trent in a way that no one else had. Despite Trent's past patterns, he genuinely wanted to make this relationship work.
In talking with one of his good friends, his friend was blunt and told him that if he wanted it to work out with Tessa that he had to stop getting in his own way, you know stop the self-sabotage.
The good news was that Trent was into personal growth and saw this as a huge opportunity to grow and to break free from his self-sabotaging tendencies, he would need some help. Well, his friend referred him to me and Trent decided to give me a try.
As I got to know Trent and he shared about his past, and how his mother left him and his family when he was 10, never to be seen again, it started to make sense to me and could explain why he established these self-sabotaging patterns in his relationships. It looked like the root of his self-sabotage was his underlying fear of abandonment.
When I asked Trent to take a look at the fact that his mom left him at an early age whether it could have anything to do with his self-sabotaging pattern. It was one of those moments where I could see his face light up, and he was like “Yeah, because I’m afraid they’ll leave me? That makes a lot of sense.” Now despite his personal growth journey, Trent had never made the connection between his fear of abandonment and his tendency to self-sabotage his relationships.
With this realization, we got to work. Trent learned about mindfulness strategies, understanding and practicing self-compassion for the loss of his mom and the impact it had on his relationships and his life. We worked developing empathy, and learning mindful communication skills. And as he explored these concepts, Trent began to uncover and heal more and more of the underlying issues that contributed to his self-sabotage.
Through introspection, Trent discovered the profound impact of his fear of abandonment on his relationships. I helped him navigate through his emotions, providing tools to address and heal his past wounds, so he could move forward. Trent gradually gained the confidence to confront his fears and his insecurities, allowing him to be more present and invested in his relationship with Tessa.
As Trent continued his personal growth journey, he found that the mindfulness and communication skills he had learned became really valuable tools in building a healthy and thriving relationship. He began to appreciate the importance of being vulnerable and open in order to build trust and a strong emotional connection.
With these newfound insights and skills, Trent transformed from a self-saboteur to a partner committed to the growth and success of his relationship. Tessa witnessed the positive changes in Trent and admired his dedication to overcoming his past. Together, they navigated the challenges, building a foundation of trust, understanding, and love that allowed their relationship to flourish.
Trent's story is a testament to the transformative power of self-awareness, mindfulness, and the willingness to seek support. Through his journey, he not only broke free from the shackles of self-sabotage but also discovered the strength to create a healthy and fulfilling connection with Tessa.
So in Trent’s story there are several classic signs of self-sabotage. You know, like
- Breaking down trust in his relationships by having secrets, being dishonest and lying.
- Always finding a reason to doubt the relationship
- Procrastinating and neglecting responsibility in the relationship
- Being afraid of being vulnerable
- Being insecure by comparing himself to others
- And even in his pursuit of personal growth, prioritizing it over his relationship so he didn’t have to take responsibility in making the relationship work
- And a classic sign that there is a fear of abandonment, by being the one who always ended the relationships.
Do any of these ring a bell for you? Well, there are other signs of self-sabotage:
- Creating Conflicts: Intentionally starting conflicts or arguments over minor issues, leading to unnecessary tension and stress in the relationship.
- Seeking Drama: Stereotypically, women are associated with creating drama, yet men can create drama too in their relationships to test their partner's commitment. This can damage trust and the stability of the relationship.
- Another sign of self-sabotage could be holding back affection or support. By refusing to show affection, or give emotional support, or not engage in healthy communication, can sabotage the emotional connection in a relationship.
- Being overdependent or overly independent: Whether you’re overly dependent on a partner or way too independent can throw off the balance of the relationship.
- Another thing to notice is your negative self-talk/self-criticism. If you’re always putting yourself down and beating your self up, it can lead to low self-esteem, which can impact a relationship. Low self-esteem ain’t sexy.
- And the last one I’ll talk about is being resistant to change. This is a big one because if you’re not willing to adapt to changing circumstances or work together to address issues, it can hold back progress for the long term of the relationship. Which I’m always preaching, that’s what you’re going for, the long term of the relationship!
Now in Trent’s case, his fear of abandonment was the root of his self-sabotage.
Self-sabotage often does stem from our personal fears, insecurities, unresolved issues, or past relationship experiences. It can be a reflection of our struggles within ourselves, and that can damage a relationship's trust and stability.
So recognizing the self-sabotaging behaviors I mentioned is the first step toward addressing and overcoming them. Doing so can lead to healthier and more fulfilling relationships, for sure. I encourage anyone listening who is struggling with self-sabotage in their relationships or if you suspect someone who is, to reach out for help. You can overcome this so you can be a better you in relationship, and live the life you love. For a FREE consultation, you can schedule with me by going to my website: MenOnThePathToLove.com.
Before I let you go, I have a quote from motivational writer William Arthur Ward, he says, ”The road to success is littered with the remnants of self-sabotage. Clear the path, and success will find you." Yeah, and this applies to the success of your relationship, career, anything your heart desires.
And that will do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Get Out of Your Own Way in Your Relationship episode. Coming up on the next episode I’m going to share Evan’s story, where he had to decide whether he was ready for a long term relationship or not. You’ll hear some of my story as well. Please join me for the Ready or Not: How to Tell if You’re Ready for a Long Term Relationship episode.
And remember, if you have any questions or issues in your relationship you need help with, comments or topics you’d like for me cover, or for any reason, just email me at bill@menonthepathtolove.com again that’s Bill@menonthepathtolove.com.
And as always, if you know someone who you think might benefit from listening to this podcast, please share the link and share the love.
And until time keep your heart open and stay on the path to love!