Men on the Path to Love Podcast S2 E15: Letting Go of Keeping Score in Relationship
Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Letting Go of Keeping Score in Relationship, episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host, I coach men who are struggling in relationship how to communicate effectively, build trust and deepen intimacy, so they can be the best version of themselves in relationship, and live the life they love!
"Keeping score" in a relationship refers to mentally or emotionally keeping track of what you interpret as being done wrong, complaints, or even contributions you’ve made to the relationship, all in an way to measure or compare who has done more of whatever, or who is "winning" in the relationship. It can show up in various ways, and while some degree of reciprocity in a relationship is natural, keeping an on-going, detailed score can be detrimental to the health of the relationship.
Over the years, I have had so many clients talk about how their partner or spouse keeps score. I’ve also had to point out to clients when they are keeping score and don’t even realize it. I know years ago I was guilty of keeping score in relationship. Especially when I was just starting out on my personal and spiritual growth journey. I found myself pointing out all the work I was doing on myself and judging her because she wasn’t doing as much as I was.
Even though she said she was all about her growth, I didn’t see her putting in the effort that I was. So, I was keeping score. And in hindsight, and after it was pointed out to me by one of my teachers/mentors that I was doing so, I realized that it wasn’t fair to her (or our relationship).
I found myself focusing on her rather than my own journey. My ego latched on to comparing myself and judging her instead of taking a deeper look at myself, which was all I had control of. I had a false sense of being better than her because I was doing the work, and in my eye, she wasn’t. The relationship eventually ended, and keeping score wasn’t the reason it ended, but it certainly didn’t help.
So, keeping score in relationship can get messy and cause all kinds of wedges and complexities in a relationship. And in Lenny’s story, he almost lost his marriage because he was keeping score. Lenny (not his real name) was a successful pharmaceutical salesman known for his charisma, determination, and his competitive spirit.
Whether it his was work, sports, card games, friendships, family interactions, and even his relationship with his wife Layla (not her real name) were all areas where he strived to be the best. While his competitive nature helped him achieve success in the workplace, it also unknowingly became a source of tension in his marriage.
With work, Lenny was proud of being the top pharmaceutical salesman in his region. He would often measure his success against his colleagues, celebrating his victories and feeling a sense of frustration and envy when others outperformed him. Layla noticed how when he talked about work it was all about numbers and his achievements, and over time, she noticed that his competitiveness had spilled over at home.
Like in family gatherings, Lenny's competitiveness would show up in talking about his kid’s achievements, bragging about their family vacations, or his DIY improvements at home, and so on. With this, he created an atmosphere of competition among his family.
And with Layla specifically. Lenny's need to keep score showed up in different ways. Like remembering who initiated the last date night, to comparing who did what with household chores, to who did more for the kids, or who spent the most money and so on. Lenny basically turned their marriage into a competition.
It got to the point where Layla had had enough. All this score keeping was taking its toll on their marriage. She was feeling disconnected emotionally and very frustrated. She decided to shared her concerns with Lenny. She told him how his competitiveness made her feel like she was always being judged and that their relationship had become more of a contest than a partnership.
This took Lenny aback. He appreciated Laylas’s honesty and he was shocked and saddened by what she said. He took some time to let it sink in and decided to reflect on his behavior.
In doing so, he realized that he had grown up in a highly competitive family. It was all about achieving and success, and where achievements were constantly compared. He shared this with Layla and she appreciated his vulnerability and they both agreed it would a good idea for Lenny to get some professional help.
In therapy, Lenny had learned that success in his family was how he got love and approval. This upbringing had instilled in him the belief that he needed to constantly prove his worth in order to be loved and accepted.
And with this new awareness he was able to learn healthier ways to validate himself. He also discovered the importance of being more vulnerable and emotionally available for Layla, to help create a deeper emotional connection. He practiced self-compassion, gratitude, mindfulness, and worked on sharing experiences together with Layla without making it a competition.
Over time, Lenny made a conscious effort to let go of his need to keep score. Layla, noticed how sincere Lenny's efforts were, and appreciated the positive changes in their relationship. While Lenny didn't always get it right, with the new awareness of his competitive nature and how it impacted Layla and others AND, his commitment to change, Layla saw his transformation, and as a result their marriage began to thrive.
Lenny's competitive edge transformed into being open to working together with Layla and being more supportive. Layla, seeing the positive shift, felt a renewed sense of connection, and they learned to navigate their challenges and day to day, as a team rather than competitors.
So does any of this sound familiar to you? Do you find yourself keeping score in your relationship? Or maybe you see this in your spouse or partner, or maybe you do it with each other?
Keeping score in relationship can be sneaky at first, you know, not really noticing it per se. Yet over time, like in Lenny’s case, it can take its toll on the relationship.
Let me give you some more examples of what keeping score in relationship looks like.
- One is counting favors. This is where one partner may keep track of every favor they do for the other, and in return, expecting a similar or even bigger favor from the other. And if the favor is not returned, it could lead to resentment.
- There’s keeping score around who gives more attention or shows affection to the other. Keeping track of who initiated affection or attention the last time, and then expecting the other person to initiate next.
- Comparing contributions is a big one. You know, constantly comparing who contributes more to household chores, childcare, or other responsibilities. This can often lead to feelings of inequality within the relationship.
- Keeping track of financial contributions is another one. Who spends more money, who pays for meals, or who contributes more to joint expenses, and so on.
- Bringing up past mistakes or arguments you’ve had is one I hear often. Using these mistakes or arguments as a way to score points in an argument or disagreement. You know saying something like “yeah just like you lied about where you going last month.” Or referring back to past arguments even if they’re not related, to validate a point or win a current argument. That could sound like, “and like I said the last time, you don’t take any accountability for yourself, and you’re doing it again.”
- Another way couples keep score is by pointing out their sacrifices, using sacrifices they made in the relationship as a way to get a one up or manipulate the other person. “I gave up playing golf on Saturdays so you could have time for yourself.”
- Judging gifts is another way of score keeping that I see a lot. Judging the value or thoughtfulness of gifts and using it to measure the how committed the other is or how much they love the other in relationship.
- Keeping score of apologies. This is expecting the other person to apologize first or they keep track of who apologizes more often. “I apologized first last time, it’s your turn to apologize first.” That kind of thing.
- One final example is Using Keeping Score as Leverage in the relationship: Threatening to refusing to give affection to the other, or shut down communications, or some other aspect of the relationship based on what one may see as imbalances in the relationship. Like giving the silent treatment when one partner thinks the other is not doing enough.
So what’s the big deal in keeping score in relationship? Well, some of it is pretty obvious and some of the impact may be more subtle. I’ll break it down for you.
- Keeping score in your relationship can slowly break down the emotional connection between you and your partner, which is vital in relationship, right? The connection becomes more of a competition rather than a collaboration like in Lenny’s story. When you work together as a team, focusing on shared goals, showing appreciation for each other, will increase the emotional connection and intimacy.
- Scorekeeping can also lead to more arguments and conflict. This is because your spouse or partner may get defensive and push back, be resentful, or not feel valued or feel less than. Using mindful communications, reflective listening, and bringing up concerns without blaming the other, can help avoid unnecessary conflicts or arguments.
- When you keep score, you are taking the risk of potentially undermining a sense of trust and security in the relationship. When you keep rack of what you see as mistakes or faults, it can cause the other to not trust, which can make the other feel insecure. Now, the way to build trust is by being honest, totally transparent, and vulnerable; not keeping score.
- Another thing scorekeeping does is that it can create an imbalance of power within the relationship. You know, where one partner may feel less than or better than the other like I mentioned earlier. To counter this, you want to go for equality in your relationship, to be able to express and understand each other’s needs, and work together and collaborate to do your best to have those needs met.
- One thing that’s really important in relationship and that is resilience, especially when going for the long run. Couples who keep score may have a hard time bouncing back after a setback of scorekeeping, and resentment can set in. The way to build resilience is to use effective problem-solving skills, have forgiveness (very important) and being willing to compromise. All this leads to a much healthier relationship.
- And as always, if you or your spouse or partner have a hard time letting go of scorekeeping, get some professional help. You can overcome this.
Alright, in the words of singer/songwriter and damn good guitarist, John Mayer he says “Never keep score in love. The only way to win is together.” I know that’s right.
And on that note I will bring this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast to an end, the Letting Go of Keeping Score in Relationship episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host, thanks for listening.
Coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast, I’ll be sharing Reid’s story about how he went from being a mess when it came to relationships, and after some soul searching and hard work, became a conscious man who found love and relationship in a way that he never imagined. You’ll definitely want to check out the Conscious Man's Journey in Relationship, episode.
If you have any suggestions or topics for the podcast, any comments you’d like to share or have any issues in your relationship you need help with, please email me at Bill@menonthepathtolove.com, that’s Bill@menonthepathtolove.com.
Always remember you can schedule a free hour long, no strings attached consultation with me, simply by visiting my website at Men on the Path to Love.com, that’s menonthepathtolove.com.
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And until next time keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.