Hi, and welcome to the men on the Path to Love podcast. The from boy to man overcoming childhood wounds and relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are struggling in relationship how to communicate effectively, build trust, and deepen intimacy so they can be the best version of themselves in relationship and live the life they love. So I'm gonna show my age here.
Back in the early nineties, I read a book by a guy named Robert Blye. It was called, a book about men. It was very influential in the men's movement at the time. Bill references the parable iron John which in a nutshell is about a boy or a prince growing up and maturing with the help of the wild man iron John. Who is a metaphor for the wild untamed side of masculinity that's been basically suppressed or overlooked in modern society.
He recognized that our wild side does have its place in contrast to the so called sensitive new age man at the time. And I see it as finding balance between the masculine and feminine that's within all of us. Anyway, it was in reading this book and following Robert Blai's Movement that I became aware of the concept of our inner child. And in the book, he talks specifically about the impact of absent fathers, which can leave an abandonment wound. Although my father was physically present in my life as a functional alcoholic, he was emotionally absent in a lot of ways.
And where my fear of abandonment came was from my mother. She gave custody to my father when I was around 8. She had had a heart attack and died when I was thirteen. And I never had contact with her during that time. So as a little boy, I had been abandoned.
And that wounded inner little boy inside ultimately impacted how I was in relationships as an adult. So it's important to understand that our childhood experiences can influence our behavior as adults. And if we are not aware of how those experiences influence us, especially the negative or traumatic ones, our inner child or little boy can get triggered and have a negative impact on our relationship. Now for me, with my mom leaving me, I subconsciously had that fear of abandonment. Which had me overlapping relationships from high school up until my second marriage, meaning I would be in a relationship And over time, I would meet someone else, someone new.
I would end the old relationship to be with a new person. And it wasn't until I went to therapy that I realized, subconsciously, I was afraid to be abandoned. So I would end the relationship first to avoid being abandoned. Had I not come to that awareness I would have probably continued that pattern the rest of my life, like many folks do. So when you're an inner little boy or for the women listening, little girl because it goes both ways.
When your inner child's experience, I'll say that gets triggered as an adult. He or she comes out so to speak and is trying to run the show in the relationship. And that can be bad news. And, again, without having that awareness, man, it can be like 2 kids going at it. You know, 2 little people doing their thing.
Like, you know, you did too. Didn't knock. Did do. Didn't or having a temper tantrum and acting aggressively or whatever. You're all mad at each other and you don't even know how you got there, right? Because, subconsciously, your inner child is out and trying to navigate an adult relationship where he or she doesn't belong. Let me give you another example with Mike's story, not his real name. Bill, Mike grew up in a household where his mother was overly controlling, basically dictating every aspect of his life. From a young age, Mike's mother made sure that she controlled his daily routines from what he ate to what he watched on TV, to what clothes he wore, and so on.
She would plan every detail of his schedule. Which left Mike having little room for independence or making his own decisions. He felt suffocated and frustrated that she controlled everything. And when he spoke up about it, she would say that she knew best, and it was for his own good. Another thing that she did that Mike hated was how she would often dictate who he could be friends with.
She would monitor his every move when his friends would come over. She would even send some kids home if she didn't approve of them. And this was embarrassing and humiliating for Mike. And the thing that bothered him the most was how relentless she was for Mike to excel in every aspect of his life. It didn't matter what it was.
You know, it could be school, sports, music, a game, chores around the house, or any extracurricular activity. Yeah. His mom demanded perfection and would chastise him for anything she saw is less than perfect. And this gave Mike a deep rooted fear of failure and not being good enough. Yeah.
Fast forward to his adult life and specifically his relationships, Mike didn't have a very good track record. And a lot of it had to do with how he was brought up, which left Mike with deep seated emotional scars and issues. Like having a hard time trusting his partners. He would constantly second guess his partner's intentions for fear of being betrayed or hurt. And with his lack of trust, it created distance in his relationships, keeping him from being open, honest, and vulnerable.
He just couldn't connect on a deep level, and his girlfriends or partners would always end the relationship. And with Mike's inability to be vulnerable, made it hard for him to maintain real intimacy in relationships. He would often withdraw emotionally. Or at the first sign of any type of conflict or disapproval, he would sabotage the relationship for fear that he would be controlled or criticized like his mom did. And not consciously mind you, this would be subconsciously sabotaging.
Well, the turning point finally came when Mike had to face his demons, so to speak. He was madly in love with his girlfriend at the time, and he thought she was the one. And she ended up breaking up with him. Breaking his heart and it crushed him. And one night, he went to his sister for some support, and she was brutally honest with him.
And told him the reason why he couldn't hold down a relationship was because how their mother treated him. She witnessed first hand growing up how their mother was with him. And she wasn't that way with his sister as much as it was mostly Mike. His sister pointed out all the things their mom did to him, and he finally got it, you know, that how he was raised impacted his relationship. Well, after this, he felt really lost and had this desperate need for change.
And Mike decided to go to therapy to unpack some of the baggage of his past traumas and figure some things out. And it was through therapy that Mike began to connect the dots between his childhood experiences and his subconscious patterns that ultimately sabotaged his relationships. He learned to recognize how his fear of intimacy and need for role was from his mother's overbearing behavior. And with hard work and commitment, Mike gradually got some insight into his inner child or little boy and began to develop more healthy ways to cope. And take responsibility for when his little boy experiences would surface and be triggered.
He was able to recognize his in her little boy had no business being in a relationship with an adult moment. Well, fast forward, eventually, Mike met Michelle. Not her real name. She had done some inner child work too, and she showed Mike a lot of patience, understanding, and lots of love. And with Michelle's support, Mike learned to deal with his fears and insecurities better, allowing himself to be vulnerable and trust thing in ways he never thought possible.
And the 2 of them learned to call each other out when either one of their little people would come out. They gave each other and their little people some grace, recognizing that it was a work in progress. They both had the tools to notice and address their emotional triggers and take responsibility for their behavior. They were definitely committed to their growth and going for the long term of the relationship. So I hope you now have a better understanding about how our childhood wounds can impact our adult lives and especially in relationship.
Oftentimes, we end up in relationships that open up our past wounds and trigger our little people inside. The dynamic is familiar. You know, so we tend to gravitate towards it, whether it's good for us or not. And not recognizing and not healing those wounds can cause a lifetime of suffering in relationship. And being aware, working on healing those wounds and taking action to grow can make a huge difference.
Now as a relationship coach, I don't delve into your childhood and process all that stuff. It's a therapist's job to do that, right? What I do is when you are already aware of those childhood triggers, then I can coach you with some technique to help you recognize when you are being triggered and how to navigate or respond to the emotions that come up when you're triggered. And how to behave in a way that keeps your inner little person in check so that your mature adult self is present in your relationship. If you wanna know more about how that works, you can contact me through my website, men on the path to love.com.
So I'm gonna go full circle here back to Robert Blai from his book, Iron John, a book about men. He quotes American Mythologist, writer, and like for Joseph Campbell. He said Campbell said, quote, where a man's wound is, that is where you'll find his genius. Yeah. I mean, when we overcome our childhood wounds, it can be our greatest reward.
And on that note, I will bring this episode to an end. The from boy to man, overcoming childhood wounds in relationship episode. I am Bill Simpson, your host. Thanks for taking the time to listen. Now coming up on the next episode of the men on the Path to Love podcast, It's a bonus episode.
Conversation with resilience and mindset coach and author, Victor Guisfredi. He wrote a book called No Grail Without Dragon, a man's unconventional path to love, purpose, and peace. Victor tells his amazing story of the highs and lows of his journey and how he faced his dark night of the soul, where now he is on a love mission to empower men to thrive, transform fear into power, and design their lives with promise. It's a must listen. Now, you have a suggestion or idea for the show, issue in your relationship you need help with, or just wanna connect with me.
Hit me up at my web site, you can email me or set up a free call. Go to men on the path to love.com. You can also download my free cheat sheet five ways to communicate better in relationship. It's right there on my homepage at men on the path to love.com. And as always, if you know anyone you think might benefit from listening to this podcast, please share the link and share the love.
And until next time, keep your heart open, and stay on the path to love.
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