When Your Spouse or Partner Isn't Your Fan: Clarifying Perception in Relationship

In this episode you’ll hear Fred’s story and how everyone thought he was the perfect guy…except his wife,  a Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde kind of thing. Learn about how to live an authentic life in and outside of the home.  Check out the When Your Spouse or Partner Is Not Your Fan: Clarifying Perception in Relationship, episode.

Transcript

Men on the Path to Love Podcast
S2 Ep22
When Your Spouse or Partner Isn't Your Fan:
Clarifying Perceptions in Relationship

Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the When Your Spouse or Partner Isn't Your Fan: Clarifying Perception in Relationship episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host, I coach men who are struggling in relationship how to communicate effectively, build trust and deepen intimacy, so they can be the best version of themselves in relationship, and live the life they love!

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where all of your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, aquaintances, just about everybody, all see you as this great guy…except your spouse or partner? I had a taste of this years ago when I was a co-host of a long-running radio morning show in Philadelphia. Everyone saw me as this local celebrity and would be excited to meet me and what not. Yet when it came to my wife at the time, she wasn’t impressed like that. She didn’t care that I was this celebrity, that’s not why she married me. I’ve heard this a lot about spouses or partners of celebrities. What I appreciated about my ex being that way was that it helped to keep me humble where it mattered the most, at home.  

Now like I said, that’s just a taste of what I want to talk about in this episode. What comes to mind for me is Fred’s story. Fred (not his real name of course) was this good-looking, charming, charismatic guy, with a million dollar smile and a body like a Greek God.

He could’ve easily been a model or a movie star. He would light up a room when he walked in. He was friendly and approachable. People (especially women) would gravitate towards him. This certainly helped him as a corporate salesman. Fred was very successful and just about everybody thought he was awesome, “Mr Perfect” they would call. He was perfect to everyone…except for his wife Faye (not her real name). 

Now don’t get me wrong she loved Fred and everything but she didn’t quite see him like other people saw him. Of course, she found him attractive and sexy, and recognized his success, yet there was another side to Fred that most people never saw. He was pretty much an asshole at times when it came to Faye. 

He had this dark side that would come out. It was almost like a Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde kind of thing. One example was how he would be on the phone with a client being very charming, laughing and what not, then as soon as he would get off the phone, he would be all serious and grumpy around Faye. He would get verbally abusive and put her down. He could also be very controlling. 

The worst for Faye was when they would go to parties and everybody would say how lucky she was to have a great guy like Fred as a husband. 
She would smile and say thanks or whatever, and on the inside she would be like “if they only knew.”  Overtime, Fred’s dark side became even darker, especially when he was getting pressure from work to increase his sales quota.  He would get frustrated over the slightest things at home. He would lash out at Faye and basically blame her for everything. 

When Faye would approach Fred and tell her how she was feeling. He would get defensive and or be in denial, or, again blame her. He wouldn’t take responsibility for his behavior.  When she would ask if there was something she could do, and he would say something like “I don’t why you don’t see me like everybody else does, you’re always pointing out my flaws, or how about being there for me? And sometimes he would just say leave me alone, and go isolate.

Now, I know all this because it was Faye who was my client at my clinical practice. I encouraged Faye to invite Fred to come to one of our sessions and he actually did one time. He was a very likable guy. He seemed very open to what I had to say and offer. He shared how he felt about Faye and even acknowledged the times he was being an asshole to her.  Then he went into how she never supports him and how she’s always on him about something. 

After listening to what Fred had to say, I gave Faye an opportunity to show him some support, to reflect back to him what she heard him say. And it was quite nice to witness them trying to work things out. I was definitely encouraged and, based on what Faye had shared about Fred, I was skeptical too.

Well, the next time I saw Faye she said that Fred seemed a little better at first but then he went right back to his old ways. I told her that was pretty normal. I asked if she wanted to bring Fred back in and she said no, that he was cool with the first session but he didn’t want to come back. He said he thought that they could work it out together and that he didn’t need help.  To make a long story short…fast forward a few months later, after no improvement, in fact things got even worse, Faye finally threw in the towel and filed for divorce. It was a shame too because Faye really did love Fred and tried everything she could to make it work.  Fred was just not willing to do his part. 

Now, this wasn’t the first time I had heard about this from the women in my practice. I’ve referenced similar situations in previous episodes. And I want to be very clear that it’s not just men who do this. Women do it too. My mother was a great example. Her demeanor was totally different outside the home then it was at home. And I think that can be typical for most of us at a certain degree. You know, we’re more comfortable showing our worts and baggage at home. Yet when the difference is extreme, like with Fred, then it can be a real problem in a relationship, as you heard.

Do you find yourself as Dr Jekyl outside the home and Mr Hyde inside the home or vice versa? There can be a lot of reasons for this like:
What society expects from us, feeling pressure to be a certain way to fit in the norm.

Lack of work/life balance. Maybe feeling more in control in a work environment than being in touch with emotions at home.

It may come down to how we communicate, again being more comfortable communicating at work or with socializing than at home.

Fear of being judged or rejected from our peers or colleagues could  come into play. You now, from expressing our vulnerability or emotional side in public. 

Expectations in the roles that we play. For example, feeling pressure to take on the role as the main breadwinner or decision-maker at work, while having a more nurturing or supportive role at home. These expectations can influence how we see ourselves and how we behave in different environments.

I can give you another reason why we could be different at home than in public and that’s from our past experiences. Yeah, if we experienced trauma growing up or any negative experiences, it can definitely have impact on how we shape our interactions at home vs in public.

Having mental health issues can also be a reason. Taking responsibility for our mental health and getting help is the key here.

And the last reason I’ll mention is that we may have different ways to cope depending on the environment we’re in. For example, we may be more stoic or reserved in public so we don’t seem vulnerable or weak, yet at home we may express our feelings more openly with our spouse or partner as a way of getting support or validation. In this case, it would be the opposite of how Fred was.

Now, these are all legitimate reasons. And it can be no big deal if you handle life differently outside the home than you do at home. It’s to the degree in which it impacts your life, your relationship with your spouse or partner, or family.  If you’re in a situation where your behavior is drastically different in public than at home, and it’s causing problems or it’s the other way around, here are some strategies you can use:

First is to work on your self-awareness and the impact you have on others. Pay attention and be open to getting feedback, it’s one of the best ways to grow and be more self-aware. Incorporate self-reflection  as a part of this process for your personal growth.

One thing I work a lot with my clients is getting clear about what their values are and align themselves and their behavior accordingly. Get clear about your core values and work to embody them in a way that is consistent in all areas of your life, both at home and in public. When you act in alignment with their your values, it builds within you a sense of integrity and authenticity that will show up in all of your interactions. It’s easier said than done, yet it is well worth the effort.

Practice open and honest communication with your spouse or partner. Being vulnerable and share your true, authentic self at home with your spouse or partner, helps to build trust and deepen intimacy, creating a supportive environment where being authentic really pays off. Authenticity is important outside the home too. If you want others to see you as authentic then it’s critical that you be consistent.  By being true to yourself in all aspects of your life, you can build trust and credibility with others, developing genuine connections and relationships.

And finally, as I say a lot, if you’re really struggling with this then please get some help. I’m here for you as well as many others.

So by implementing these strategies that I just offered, you can now work on behaving in a way that is more authentic and consistent both in and out of the home. It can serve to bridge the gap, so to speak, between your public and private personas, and in fostering deeper connections and more fulfillment in all of your relationships. I have to say personally as someone who had to learn how to live an authentic life, that it feels very liberating to be doing so, period. 

I have a quote for you. This time from an unknown source. It says 
"The measure of a man's greatness is not in his public persona, but in the consistency of his character in all aspects of his life.” That’s what I’m talking about!

And that will wrap things up for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the When Your Spouse or Partner Isn’t Your Fan: Clarifying Perceptions in Relationship, episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host. I do appreciate you listening.

Now coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, you’ll hear Pierce’s story and how he had the hardest time asserting himself in relationships. He would let women just walk all over him until he learned to say “NO, Uh uh, not gonna to do it.” Please join me for the The Power of 'No': Setting Boundaries in Your Relationship, episode.  

Now, if you have any suggestions or topics for the podcast, any comments you’d like to share or have any issues in your relationship you need help with, I would love to hear from you. Please email me at Bill@menonthepathtolove.com, that’s Bill@menonthepathtolove.com.  

And we can also talk instead. Just visit my website at Men on the Path to Love.com and schedule a free, hour long, discovery call with me, and we can talk about anything you’d like. And often all it takes is one. Got to Men on the Path to Love.com and scroll down on the home page and click on the scheduling link to sign up. It’s as simple as that. I look forward to hearing from you.

And, as always, if you know someone who you think might get something out of listening to this podcast, please share the link and share the love.

And until next time keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.