Hidden Agendas: Overcoming Passive Aggressive Behavior in Relationship

In this episode I talk about passive aggressive behavior in relationship. Do things like giving your spouse or partner the silent treatment, or saying you're fine when you're not, using sarcasm, or agreeing to do something and not do it.

You'll hear Bilal & Belinda's story and what passive aggressive behavior did to their relationship. I’ll talk about just how crazy-making it can be in relationship, and what you can do about it, whether it’s your spouse or partner doing it, you doing it, or both! Check out the Hidden Agendas: Overcoming Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Relationship, episode.

Transcript

Men on the Path to Love 
S3 Ep3
Hidden Agendas: Overcoming Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Relationship

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Hidden Agendas: Overcoming Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Relationship. I’m Bill Simpson your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship, and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach them how to do it, and how to be the best version of themselves and live the life they love!

So what is passive-aggressive behavior anyway? Passive-aggressive behavior is when someone expresses negative feelings indirectly or covertly instead of being open and direct with what they’re feeling. It’s like when I talked about content over process where there is a disconnect between what is said and what is done. Passive-aggressive behavior often shows up with this underlying energy or resistance or hostility.

I’ll give you some examples: 

• Probably the most common is the silent treatment.
• And the familiar saying you’re ok when you’re not ok right?
• Another one is deliberately procrastinating, you know deliberately putting off doing something your partner wants you to do because you’re pissed off or when you agree to do something your spouse or partner asked you to do and don’t do a good job out of anger or resentment. 
• Sarcasm is a big one. Being sarcastic when you’re frustrated or showing contempt, and remember contempt can be a relationship killer.

So you get the idea. I’ve been on both sides, on the receiving end and I’ve been guilty of doing it. And I have to say, passive-aggressive behavior can make a real mess of a relationship. What can happen is it creates a dynamic where there is a sense of distrust and tension that doesn’t get resolved, because the underlying issues or what’s really going on, aren’t dealt with.

Take Bilal and Belinda for example (not their real names of course). They had been in a committed relationship for about 2 years.  They had a lot love for each other, but the one thing that was causing a problem in their relationship was passive-aggressive behavior, especially on Belinda's part. Bilal, was pretty chill, and yet he often found himself confused and even and hurt when Belinda act passive aggressively. 

Whenever Belinda was upset, she would give Bilal the silent treatment instead of talking about what she was feeling. Bilal would ask what was wrong, and Belinda would respond with the classic, "Nothing, I'm fine," leaving Bilal feeling confused and alone with his feelings.

Belinda would also use sarcasm. Like, when Bilal was late for a date, she would say, "Oh, it’s so nice of you to finally show up," with a fake smile. Bilal was like damn…feeling the guilt trip and also feeling unappreciated.

Another thing that Belinda would do that really frustrated Bilal was to agree to do things Bilal asked her to do but then off put off doing them. And when Bilal would ask if she had done it, she would be all annoyed and would say "I’ll get to it.” Not only did it frustrate Bilal, he felt unheard.

It’s kind of funny because this is the kind of stuff I would hear my women clients say about their men. So it shows that it goes both ways right? Anyway, Bilal was able to recognize that Belinda was being passive-aggressive. Well, the thing was Bilal would be passive-aggressive too without even knowing it. His was less obvious. He would do stuff like if Belinda did something that bothered him, he would brush it off with, "It's not a big deal," even when it was.

Sometimes he would make side ways comments if Belinda did something that bothered him. Like leaving he kitchen a mess he would be all matter of fact and say "I guess some people just don’t care about cleanliness.” Belinda would feel judged and get defensive.

And when Bilal would feel hurt or frustrated, he would shut down and was cold, not giving any reason why. Belinda knew something was wrong but couldn’t get Bilal to talk about it.  This would create a disconnect between them.

Well, one evening, Bilal came home late from work. Belinda was obviously upset. She had shut down and didn’t want to talk about it. Bilal, had had it with the constant tension between them, and pulled a Belinda on her saying “aren’t you in a good mood.”  Well that landed like a fart in church, and the next thing they blew up at each to where Bilal finally left the house, feeling defeated and desperate.

He called a friend of his who had worked with me and the friend told Bilal about me. Realizing that their relationship was on the road to ruin, Bilal reached out to me. He learned all about passive-aggressive behavior and was able to see that he was guilty of it too. After some role playing, I encouraged Bilalto open up to Belinda and admit his part in the dynamic, and he did.

He was also able to express to Belinda how the way her passive-aggressive behavior made him feel. Belinda pushed back at first but eventually took in the truth in what Bilal was saying. They both ended up committing to being real and direct with each other, and breaking the cycle being passive-aggressive. They agreed to no more silent treatment, no more sarcasm, no more saying you’ll do something and not do it, no more passive-aggressive behavior period.

Now, even with their commitment, they still slip into it from time to time, which is normal when you’re trying to change a pattern of behavior. The difference is that now they know what it is and they catch themselves and redirect. Bilal and Belinda found a deeper sense of connection and overall satisfaction in their relationship or I should say marriage. Just proving once again that with true commitment and effort, people and relationships can change for the better.

So you can see from Bilal & Belinda’s story how passive-aggressive behavior can negatively impact a relationship. And they were lucky. They were able to open up to get help before it got too late. I’ve seen time and time again when it has gone too far to the point of contempt for each other, which is like the point of no return.

So yeah, passive-aggressive behavior is not a good thing period. And especially when it comes to intimate relationships, and the people you love the most. And when you’re not aware you’re even doing it, like Bilal (AND Belinda really) then this can go on and on until you can’t stand each other.

Now if Bilal & Belinda’s story didn’t make an impact on you. Let me share what the research says about the impact passive-aggressive behavior can have on a relationship.

• It can lead to a breakdown in communication with lots of misunderstandings and confusion.
• It can cause distrust. Especially with repeated passive-aggressive behavior, over time, one may feel manipulated or wonder what the other’s true feelings and intentions are.This could lead to feeling insecure in the relationship.
• With a lot of times passive-aggressive behavior coming from underlying feelings of anger, resentment, or feeling powerless. If not handled directly these feelings can build up and cause further damage in the relationship.
• That whole silent treatment and shutting down emotionally thing, causes emotional distance. Which again, over time can result in the relationship drifting apart. Open and direct communications is a must and is one of the key factors in maintaining a healthy relationship.
• Another thing that passive-aggression can do in a relationship is cause more conflict, more fights and arguments, right?
• It can also have impact on each other’s mental health no matter who is being passive-aggressive. It can lead to more stress, anxiety, depression, and feeling worthless or not good enough.
• And the last thing I’ll mention that the research suggests (which is probably obvious) is that ongoing patterns of passive-aggressive behavior are associated with lower levels of relationship satisfaction and commitment.  Not good for the long term of the relationship.

So the bottom line here is that if you are experiencing passive-aggressive behavior from your spouse or partner or if you are exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior (or both) address it immediately and STOP. The sooner you do it the better. And if you need help, by all means get it. You will be glad you did.

Addressing passive-aggressive behavior and stopping it is essential, (crucial, I’d say) for maintaining a healthy, fulfilling and long term relationship. It takes strength and courage to do it and trust me, you’ll be glad you did. You can do it with learning how to communicate openly and effectively, with empathy and vulnerability, and being willing deal with those underlying emotions and conflicts directly.

I have a quote from author Robert Greene, who by the way, admits that he doesn’t try to follow all of his advice because if he did he would he a horribly ugly person to be around. Anyway, he breaks it down and keeps it real, he says "Passive-aggressive behavior is a cowardly way to express feelings and avoid conflict.” True that!

And that, will do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, Hidden Agendas: Overcoming Passive-Aggressive Behavior in Relationship. I’m Bill Simpson your host. Thanks for taking the time to listen. 

I want to put out a suggestion to you. When you find an episode that resonates with something you’re going through you or want to improve about you, listen to it over and over again. You will probably get something different out of it each time. And that’s how you really learn and begin to change. Repetition is the key. Our brain, our subconscious mind needs to hear it over and over until it really sinks in. Give it a shot and see what happens.

Now, coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast it’s a BONUS episode. You will hear my conversation with a really smart guy by the name of Ed Temple. He is a Transformative Coach and Visionary Author of the book The Leader as Coach. He’s also created a beta version of an AI coach. You’ll get some insight into how you can benefit from coaching and all that it offers. Please join me for the Transformative Power of Coaching with Ed Temple, next on the Men on the Path to Love podcast.

And if you would like to experience coaching first hand with yours truly, for free, simply visit my website at menothepathtolove.com. You can sign up for a free one on one session on how to communicate better in relationship. And as I mentioned earlier, open communication is one of the key elements of a healthy relationship. 

So check it out at menothepathtolove.com where you can also download my free cheat sheet, 5 Ways to Communicate Better in Relationship. And if you know someone you think might benefit from listening to this podcast or want to post on your social media, please share the link and share the love. 

And until next time keep your heart open and stay on the path to love!