Let That Old Story Go: Freeing Yourself From Past Loves

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where your past relationship haunted your current relationship? Maybe you were dumped or cheated on and you were really hurt and you think your current spouse or partner will do the same to you. 

In this episode, you’ll hear Cameron’s story and how holding on to his past relationship stories created serious problems in his relationship. Find out why it’s a good idea to let of your old relationship stories and how to do it. 

Transcript

Men on the Path to Love 
S3 Ep5
Let That Old Story Go: Freeing Yourself from Past Loves

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Let That Old Story Go: Freeing Yourself from Past Loves episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship, and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach them how to do it, and how to be the best version of themselves and live the life they love!

For a good portion of my life, there was a subconscious narrative, a story, I was telling myself and that was “she’s going to leave me so I better leave first.” And this goes back to my first real crush, I’ll call her Faith. When I was about 12 years old, I had the biggest crush on Faith and I was terrified to let her know for fear she didn’t feel the same way. I remember asking a mutual friend what I should do and she encouraged me to tell her. I took this as a good sign since she was good friends with Faith. 

Well, I didn’t have the guts to tell her face to face, so I decided to put a note in her mailbox since we were neighbors. It was a very simple, “I like you do you like me” note.  I waited nervously to hear her response. It wasn’t until 3 days later that I found her note in my mailbox. With my heart pounding, I eagerly opened the note and it said that she liked me. I couldn’t believe it. I was ecstatic. So we started talking and hanging out.

Fast forward about a month or so,  I was just getting home late from school, and I saw her on her front porch sitting with this guy who was a couple of years older than her and they were holding hands. I felt like I got punched in the gut. I ran really fast by her house and went to straight to my house and slammed the door shut. I was devastated and went up to my room and cried, feeling broken-hearted.

Well, little did I know at the time that I had abandonment issues. I’ve mentioned this before on this podcast, how my mother gave custody of my older brother and me to my father when I was 8 years old and subsequently she died of cardiac arrest when I was 13. I never saw her in between that time. So with Faith, I was abandoned again. Get it?

This had quite an impact on me in all of my relationships up until my 2nd marriage. I mentioned this before too, how I would overlap relationships. When I subconsciously feared that I may be abandoned by my girlfriend, partner, wife, I would meet someone else so I wouldn’t be alone. It wasn’t until I learned to let that old abandonment story go that I learned how to be ok with myself, whether I was in a relationship or not. Which freed me to me more authentic in relationship moving forward. 

So letting go of old stories from previous relationships is really crucial for the health and success of current relationships. It only makes sense. And it can be really hard, especially if you have no awareness of your subconscious patterns. I hear over and over, why do I keep finding the same type of women to get into a relationship with. Well, part of it is that your subconscious is familiar with that dynamic. We tend to gravitate to what we know even when it’s not good for us. It’s familiar and comfortable.

I’ll give you an example with Cameron’s story and of course that’s not his real name, I change the names to protect their real identity and for confidentiality sake. Anyway, Cameron had had his share of relationships. And at some point in all of his relationships he would end them because he felt like he was being nagged all the time. It always about what he was doing wrong and hardly ever was he acknowledged for what he did right. He felt criticized and didn’t feel appreciated and he would leave.

Then he met Carmen (not her real name) and things were different. Carmen appreciated Cameron's strengths and wasn't the nagging type. Cameron felt like she was “the one” and their relationship grew to where they soon ended up getting engaged.  As time went on, Cameron’s subconscious patterns creeped in where he was actually behaving in a way to get Carmen to nag him. And again, this was subconscious. 

An example was one evening after dinner, Carmen had asked Cameron if he could help her with the dishes. Now instead of him seeing it as a simple ask from Carmen, right away Cameron got all defensive and was like “you’re always on my back about something.” And Carmen was like whoa hold up, and explained to Cameron that all she was trying to do was simply ask for some help with the dishes. She got pissed and stormed off.

Again, this was his subconscious behavior.  He wasn’t doing it consciously on purpose. It was his old pattern from his past relationships. Well, this pattern persisted and as a result their relationship began to suffer. Carmen was repeatedly being accused of things she wasn’t doing. And more and more she felt unappreciated. Finally Carmen called the engagement off.

This hit Cameron hard because he really loved Carmen and thought she was the one. It shook him to the point where he decided to get some help and found a therapist. In therapy, he discovered something that created a major shift in his mind. When he was growing up, his mom would constantly nag him. She would always bring up what he didn’t do and hardly ever acknowledged any of the good stuff. Subsequently, he got in relationships where this dynamic kept showing up.

Also through therapy, Cameron realized he had been projecting his unresolved feelings from his mom and his past partners onto Carmen. The subconscious story he had running under the surface was that all women nag. With this new awareness, Cameron got to work on letting go of this story. He learned how to express how he was feeling and how to communicate what he needed in a healthier way.

And after doing the work, Cameron reached out to Carmen, with a sincere apology, owning what he had done. And after explaining to Carmen what he had learned about himself, what he was working on, and that he was committed to change, Carmen saw something in Cameron that she hadn’t seen before. And as a result, agreed to give their relationship another shot. 

Now I don’t know if they are living happily ever after or not but thank God Cameron got some help because he was going down a slippery slope of some serious suffering in relationships. So I want to ask you now to reflect and ask yourself are there any old stories from previous lovers  or relationships you need to let go of? Think about your childhood. Be honest with yourself and think hard about this because letting go is critical for your relationship to survive.   

Holding onto old negative stories can keep you stuck in a painful pattern of anger and resentment. Letting go of these stories can help you heal emotionally. Taking away of lot of unnecessary stress for you and your relationship.

If you hold on tight to the old stories, it can come through in how you communicate and it lead to misunderstandings like with Cameron and Carmen. When you let go, you can clear the air and communicate from a more authentic place. It can help you help to create a deeper connection.

By letting go of the old stories and patterns, you create the opportunity to build trust and a better sense of security in the relationship. If past issues from previous lovers keep coming up, it can wear down trust.

Another thing that can wear down when you bring in your emotional baggage from old relationships is intimacy. Think about it, it’s not very sexy, in fact it’s a big turn-off. Letting go of that old shit allows you to be more vulnerable and open which in turn leads to more emotional and physical intimacy.

Holding onto negative stories can cause you to fall into blame and become defensive which ultimately leads to feeling disconnected.  By letting of the old stories you can have a more positive mindset and respond with empathy and compassion. You are also more likely to want to commit to your own personal growth and the growth of your relationship. 

Research backs all of this up. And again letting go of the old stories and negative past relationships is so important in keeping your relationship healthy.  A big part of the healing in the letting go is forgiveness. 

Understanding forgiveness is for you not your ex, your parents or whoever. It’s not about forgetting, it’s about letting go of the charge, the trigger, the energy connected to it. 

Forgive…and set yourself free from holding on to all that anger and resentment, and those negative patterns that can destroy your relationship. If you need help with this, there’s no shame. I can help you and there’s tons of other help out here as well.

I found this quote on Pinterest from an unknown source and it says “If you carry old bricks from your past relationship to your new one, you will end up building the same house that fell apart before.” I love it!

And that will do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Let That Old Story Go: Freeing Yourself from Past Loves episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host. I appreciate you taking the time to listen.

Coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, it’s a bonus episode, a conversation with the host of the Don’t Pick the Scab Podcast which I had the pleasure of being a guest, he’s also the author of the book It’s OK to Hate Your Ex. You know I’ve got to hear what he has to say. It’s the It’s OK to Hate Your Ex with author David Webb, bonus episode. 

Now if you like what you’re hearing on this podcast, please let other people know about it. Whether it’s your friends, neighbors, church, folks on social media, whatever, the world needs more love so please share the link and share the love.

If you have any issues in your relationship you need help with or would like a free coaching session with me on how to communicate better in relationship, just go to my website menonthepathtolove.com. You can also download my free cheat sheet, 5 Ways to Communicate Better in Relationship. It’s all at menonthepathtolove.com. Check it out.

And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.