Little Things, Big Problems: How To Handle Micro Stress in Relationship

Have you ever found yourself getting annoyed or irritated when your spouse or partner does little things that drive you crazy? Like leaving their clothes all over the place, letting the dishes pile up, or change plans without telling you. Or maybe you’re constantly being yelled at for doing these things. 

They’re called micro-stressors. They’re not done on purpose like being passive aggressive is. It’s just those annoying things. In this episode, you’ll hear Dino’s story and how he and his wife Diane handled their micro stressors before it was too late. 

Transcript

Men on the Path to Love
S3 Ep7
Little Things, Big Problems: How To Handle Micro Stress in Relationship

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, Little Things, Big Problems: How To Handle Micro Stress in Relationship, episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship, and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach them how to do it, and how to be the best version of themselves and live the life they love!

Micro stress refers to the build up of the littles things or stressors that  people do that seem like no big deal yet over time can cause a lot of stress on the relationship. Unlike being passive aggressive, micro stressors are usually not intentional and aren’t meant to hurt the other person. It’s the little things that can drive you nuts like: 

• Leaving their clothes all over the place
• Letting their dishes pile up in the sink
• Sometimes it’s changing plans without telling you
• Or maybe it’s the small corrections or criticisms over really minor, insignificant incidents or issues.

Well, let me tell you Dino’s story and what micro stressors did to his marriage. Dino and his wife Diane (not their real names) had been married for close the three years. From the outside their relationship seemed pretty strong, and for the most part it was yet their micro stressors started to take its toll on their marriage. 

For Dino, it was how he had an annoying habit of leaving his sneakers all over the house. He had like a dozen pairs of sneakers and he would just leave them where he took them off. A lot of times Diane would trip over his sneakers when he wasn’t around and would end up picking them up a putting them away.  It wasn’t a huge deal but when it started happening more often, Diane began to get frustrated and agitated. 

Another example was when Dino would forget to tell Diane if his work schedule changed coming home late without telling her. Or he would make last-minute plans with friends without telling her. This cause Diane to feel some kind of way, like she didn’t matter. Now mind you, Dino wasn’t doing this on purpose. It’s just what he did.

The same was true for Diane. She had this a habit of constantly reminding Dino about chores over and over. She didn't mean to nag, but that’s how Dino took it. He felt like she didn't trust him to remember on his own.

Another thing that annoyed he shit out of Dino was when Diane would nit pick about the smallest mistakes Dino would make, like not loading the dishwasher the right way or missing a spot when he would wipe down the kitchen counter. The way Dino took it, he felt like he couldn't do anything right in her eyes.

So this kind of little stuff would go on. It was Dino who noticed Diane's behavior and was getting more and more annoyed. The thing was, he failed to see that his own behaviors were frustrating Diane, and adding to the tension in the relationship. You can imagine how over time these seemingly small stressors led to a lot of arguments and ultimately feeling more and more disconnected.

Well one day Dino came to me after being referred to me for some Mind Body support by one of the therapists at the health clinic where I work. All Dino would talk about was his frustration with Diane. At first, I listened and supported him in his frustration. He felt so supported that he asked if he could bring in his wife and I agreed. 

When the three of us met and hearing some of Diane’s side of the story, I was able to see that Diane’s behavior seemed more aligned with micro stressors than being passive aggressive. After pointing out what micro stressors were, Diane shared her frustrations about Dino’s behavior and asked if I thought it if was micro stressors.  

It sure sounded like it to me because I knew Dino was oblivious to what he was doing. That’s when I asked Dino what he thought. And he paused and said that he hadn’t thought about it that way and that he got it. That indeed he was guilty.

When all this came to light, we were able to get down to business. The first thing was them taking responsibility for each of their parts in the dynamic. Dino opened up and apologized to Diane saying that he didn't realize that what he was doing affected here the way it did. He also apologized for behaving in a way that had her feeling like he didn’t care or that he didn’t appreciate her. Diane, in turn, apologized saying that she didn't mean to nag or seem critical. She recognized how her actions had Dino feeling like he couldn’t do anything right.

The next step was to work on keeping it from negatively impacting their relationship. We started with communication. They agreed to take time once a week to talk about plans for the week to make sure they were both on the same page with each other’s schedules. And if anything changed they would let each other know right away.

We also worked on the two of them being more self-aware. Having them be present to how their own behavior might impact the other before saying something that may come out sideways.

I gave them appreciation homework. Before going to bed each night to offer at least 3 appreciations to acknowledge each other’s efforts and strengths.

Another thing we did to keep Diane from seeming like she was nagging was to share a To-Do list and calendar. It served as more of gentle reminder and allowed Dino to take responsibility in doing his tasks.

And of course I had to remind them that change is a process and that it was likely they would slip into their old habits and to have patience and grace with each other as they worked on making changes.

And it was through lots of practice and grace that Dino and Diane were able to turn their marriage around into a more supportive, understanding, and loving one. They learned that by being aware and addressing micro stressors early on could keep the little things from being big problems, for the long term health and satisfaction of their marriage.

So does any of this sound familiar in your relationship? These little micro stressor that can sneak up on you and over time cause problems? Well, you’re not alone if you do. It’s pretty common actually. I think the key here is awareness and communication. If you notice it going on whether from your spouse or partner or from yourself, talk about it. And get help if you need it.

And I want to say there can be a lot of underlying factors can contribute to micro stressor, and again most of this is unintentional behavior, not on purpose, it’s just how it plays out. 

• A big one is poor communication. That was part of the problem with Dino & Diane is that they didn’t talk about it until they got help.
• Avoiding talking about it and not addressing issues directly can lead to those little annoyances piling up.
• Issues from past arguments that haven’t been resolved can also lead to micro stressors, especially when the unresolved arguments get triggered.
• Sometimes it comes down to personality and habits. Say if one of you has a perfectionist personality, their high standards can cause micro stress by constantly having to correct or be critical of the other person. And sometimes that can be their own feelings about themselves being projected onto the other person.
• And repeated bad habits, like leaving a mess, being late, or changing plans at the last minute can build up stress over time.
• Other factors can include stress from work and life and not having enough down time for yourselves. This may cause either or both of you to be more sensitive or less patient. 
• Another thing is if either of you aren’t getting your emotional needs met or there are some insecurities both can lead to becoming more sensitive to small stressors. If you’re not feeling seen or heard or if you feel unsupported or even unloved, can cause you to be irritated easily.
• There are more factors like traditional gender roles, societal expectations, life changes and transitions, and so on.

There are a variety of ways address micro stress in relationship like I shared with Dino & Diane:

• Start with Open Communication: Talk about your feelings, what you need, and what your concerns are openly, and do it on the regular to help avoid misunderstandings and create an environment of support
• Work on Conflict Resolution: Make sure you deal with your conflicts directly and clear up any unresolved issues rather than letting them silently build up and cause more problems.
• Show Appreciation for Each Other: Appreciating each other’s good stuff can offset some of the little annoying things.
• Manage Your Stress: That’s both individually and jointly. Work together to come up with solutions rather than letting stress get the best of you.
• Continue to Work on Self-Awareness and Personal Growth: This will help to create more trust and help to build emotional security and getting you emotional needs met.

So navigating micro stress in your relationship can be tricky. An by the things I mentioned and being aware and addressing the underlying factors, you can minimize the impact micro stress has on your relationship and create a more healthy and more resilient relationship. Do the work for the long term of your relationship.

I discovered a rather long quote from American author Gretchen Rubin, she says "In the end, it's not the huge things in life that make us or break us. It's the small stuff, the little annoyances and irritations, that add up over time and cause stress and tension.” She goes on to say, "What you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while. It’s not the big things that add up in the end; it’s the hundreds, thousands, or millions of little things that separate the ordinary from the extraordinary.” Thank you Gretchen!

And that’s going to do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Little Things, Big Problems: How To Handle Micro Stress in Relationship, episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host, thanks for listening.

Coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, it’s a bonus episode with a guy I’ve had on the show before, Dr. Simon Fokt.  He is a scholar, educator, philosopher, and writer…a really deep thinker. He shares his thoughts and experience with polyamory relationships and ethical non-monogamy. If you’re the least bit curious or about what poly and ethical non-monogamy is all about, you won’t want to miss it. Please join me next time for the Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy in Relationship With Dr. Simon Fokt, episode.

Now remember, if you have any ideas for the show, issues in your relationship you would like help with, please let me know. You can reach me through my website, While you’re there you can schedule a free coaching session on how to communicate better in your relationship. You can also download my free cheat sheet, 5 Ways to Communicate Better in Relationship. It’s all at menonthepathtolove.com.

And as always I encourage you to spread the word about the Men on the Path to Love podcast. Feel free to post it on your social media. I’m trying to make the world a better place with more love and connection. So please, share the link and share the love.

And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love!