Safe & Sound: How to Build Safety and Trust in Relationship

Have you ever gotten the sense or feedback that your spouse or partner might not feel safe at times in your relationship?  Maybe you haven’t felt safe at times. Feeling safe in relationship is essential for you to be free to be your authentic self, to build trust, and for the longevity of your relationship. 

In this episode you’ll hear Eric’s story and how his wounded past caused him to create an unsafe environment in his relationships, and what he did about it. Check out the Safe and Sound: How to Build Safety and Trust in Relationship, episode.

Transcript

Men on the Path to Love
S3 Ep8
Safe and Sound: How to Build Safety and Trust in Relationship

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, Safe and Sound: How to Build Safety and Trust in Relationship, episode.  I’m Bill Simpson   your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship, and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach them how to do it, and how to be the best version of themselves and live the life they love!

Safety and trust are so important in relationship. I know for me, it’s part of what allows me to feel free to be my authentic self in my relationship. And it’s one of the top priorities in how I treat my wife. I want her to always feels safe in our relationship. I’ve said this before when it comes to our spouse or partner feeling physically safe, it’s understanding that for the most part men are bigger and stronger than women, and that in itself can create an underlying/subconscious current that at any moment it could be physically unsafe for them. It’s so important to remember that and to behave in a way that helps to create a sense of physical safety.

What I’m going to focus on in this episode is creating emotional safety in your relationship. And for a lot of men, creating emotional safety is more challenging than creating physical safety.  There are reasons for this. One is how men have been conditioned socially or culturally. We have to be strong and not show emotion or talk about our emotions unless we’re angry or something more acceptable to men. Being vulnerable is considered showing weakness. Ironically, being vulnerable is one of the best ways to create safety and build trust. I’ll get into that more a little later on.

Another reason why it could be challenging to create emotional safety in relationship is from our past experiences and old emotional wounds.  This was the case for Eric (not his real name of course). Eric had always been decent guy, yet when it came to relationships, his emotional wounds from the past got in the way in his relationships. 

When Eric was growing up he never felt like his parents really got him or understood him, and that he felt neglected a lot. They meant well, it’s just that neither one of them really showed much emotion. Especially when it came to showing affection. And when Eric would express himself emotionally, he would get shut down or criticized, especially by his father who would say things like “stop whining” or “I’ll give you something to cry about.”  

This ultimately caused Eric to shut down emotionally, keeping his emotions inside, for fear that he would be criticized or be rejected. There was also an underlying sense of being abandoned, not physically because his parents were physically there but they were emotionally absent. Leaving him feeling abandoned emotionally.

Later in life as Eric got into relationships, his wounded past played out in ways that left his partners feeling emotionally unsafe. 

• He had a really hard time being vulnerable. He wouldn’t express himself emotionally which made it hard to really connect. One example was when one of his partners asked about their future, he would give vague answers or change the subject. This left her feeling disconnected and confused. And she broke up with him.
• Eric’s jealousy would show up too because of his subconscious fear of being abandoned or that his partner would chose someone else. So when his partners would be talking to another guy he would interrogate them with a bunch of questions. At times he would go as far as monitoring their phones or social media. This kind of behavior through trust out the window, and left his partners feeling like they had to walk on eggshells when he was around. They couldn’t just relax and be themselves. And ultimately they would leave.
• And along with his jealousy was his need to be in control. It was his way to keep from feeling rejected. So he would have to be in control of everything in the relationship whether it was when and how they spent time together, to what clothes his partner was wearing, or even their opinions. Over time his partners would feel suffocated and leave.

The thing was that none of these partners were really able to say to Eric what they were feeling in a way the he got it, you know, the impact his behavior was having on them. They only shared that they were tired of it and would just break up.

Well that changed when Eric met Erica (not her real name). Erica was different. Erica was very strong yet she was patient and compassionate. It got to the point with Eric’s behavior that her patience was wearing thin and she started to feel unsafe emotionally in the relationship. Especially with his jealousy. Unlike his previous partners, Erica broke it down in a firm yet kind way. She told Eric straight up that she loved him yet his jealous behavior had to go. That she didn’t trust him and didn’t feel safe in the relationship. And that she couldn’t be in a relationship where she didn’t feel safe.

Well, this certainly woke Eric up and with the thought of losing someone he felt so deeply for, he decided he had to do something. And that was to seek therapy to try to get to the bottom of what was getting in the way of his relationships. It was through therapy where he was able to connect the dots of his past wounds, the lack of emotional support from his parents, feeling rejected and abandoned, to how it played out in his relationships. 

Once he got that, he was introduced to the power of vulnerability and being able to talk openly about his feelings. He got that by talking about his fears and insecurities with his partner rather than shutting down or trying to hide his feelings, that he could create a stronger sense of safety and trust in the relationship.

That’s when I came in the picture to team up with his therapist in offering mindfulness and self-compassion skills to help him get a stronger sense of himself so he that he could bring strength to his relationship with Erica.

After lots practice and hard work, Eric was able to let go of his jealous behavior (not that he didn’t feel jealous at times, he let go of acting out on it). He was also able to let go of having to be in control and learned to trust Erica and that her feelings and opinions were valid and that he supported her independence. 

All of Eric’s effort paid off as he was able to create more trust and safety in his relationship and Erica, too was able to support Eric on his journey of self growth and give him what he needed to feel safe and trusting as well.

It never ceases to amaze when I see couples commit to their love, owning their own stuff and making the tough and necessary changes, how their relationship transforms into one of fulfillment and longevity. It’s a beautiful thing!

So what can you do to create more safety and trust for your spouse or partner?Some of the key elements for creating safety and trust include:

• Number one is of course, communication. Talk openly and honestly. As hard as it may be, be totally transparent.  Now that’s not to say that you don’t filter things that would hurt your spouse or partner, just because you had a thought doesn’t mean you have to act on it if it is hurtful. That’s not building trust. It’s about being clear and honest so you can minimize misunderstandings. And part of communication is listening actively, without judgment, and make sure you listen to understand and be supportive. And ask if your partner or spouse feels safe and find out what you can do help her feel safer.
• Another way to create safety and trust is being emotionally present and vulnerable. As I mentioned earlier, this can be challenging for men. When you are open with how you feel and encourage your spouse or partner to do the same, you’re laying the foundation of trust and safety. And again, being supportive. You can do this by showing empathy and validating her concerns. You don’t have to agree necessarily, just validate her concerns and make sure you feel validated as well.
• Be consistent and reliable with your behavior helps to create safety and trust. When you are consistent and predictable with your behavior, you are showing that you are dependable which helps to create safety and trust. Part of that is being consistent with your word and commitments. And being consistent with showing your support and affection too.
• Respecting each other’s boundaries is big. Avoid being controlling and give your partner or spouse the space they need. And part of respecting each other’s boundaries is to accept each other’s individuality and autonomy. That was something Eric had to let go of. And it can got a long way in creating safety and trust. It allows each of you to be free to be your authentic selves. 
• Make sure you work on your conflict resolution skills. It’s so important to work things out in a healthy way to help avoid prolonged arguments and feeling disconnected. Learning skills like active listening that I mentioned. Try coming from your self instead of saying “you need to blah, blah, blah” say “I feel ______ and I need you to blah, blah, blah.” And focus on the issue or behavior, not the person.
• And the last thing I’ll say is to try to come from a place or energy of continued support and encouragement. So many times I’ve seen couples get cynical and lose sight of the fact that you love this person and to be supportive in whatever they are going through. That can be emotionally, pragmatically (the day to day stuff), it could even be financial support.  It’s being supportive and collaborative during the good times as well as the not so good times.  And be encouraging with your spouse or partner’s goals and personal growth rather than being critical or responding negatively. Encouragement and support, again helps to create an environment of trust and safety.
• I want to say that if think your past wounds are getting in the way of creating a safe and trusting relationship, please reach out for help. Trust me, you will be glad you did.

I found a quote from psychologist and author Esther Perel that sums it up nicely. She says, ”The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life. Creating safe, secure, and nurturing connections with others is fundamental to our well-being.” Yep, a relationship that is safe and sound.

And that will bring this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast to an end, the Safe and Sound: How to Build Safety and Trust in Relationship, episode. My name is Bill Simpson, thanks for listening.  

Coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path podcast, it is a bonus episode with my guest Jamai, you may have seen him in Season 14 of the Voice, he was on team Alicia Keys, the singing telegram guy. 

Anyway, when Jamai was 6 years old, his mother was a victim of domestic violence, at just 23 years old she was murdered by her ex boyfriend. Jamai released an album about it entitled 23. He’s has just released the 23 docu-series in which he takes us through that tragic event, and his experience of dealing with grief and the mental health aspect of losing his mother to domestic violence. His goal is to normalize men speaking of their grief. It’s a conversation I think every man should hear. Please join me for the Grief & Grace: Jamai’s Story of Love, Loss and Legacy, episode.

And if you have an idea for the show please let me know. You can reach me at my website menthepathtolove.com where you can sign up for a free coaching session on how to communicate better in relationship. I also have free cheat sheet you can download called 5 Ways to Communicate Better in Relationship. Simply go to menthepathtolove.com.

Now here comes the part where I ask you to help me make the world a better place with more love and connection by posting this podcast to your social media…it’s time to share the link and share the love.

And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.