BONUS Grief & Grace: Jamai's Story of Love, Loss & Legacy

In this bonus episode, you will hear my conversation with musician, artist and entrepreneur Jamai. You may have seen him on Season 14 of the Voice. He was on team Alicia Keys.

Jamai tell his story of when he was 6 years old, his mother was tragically murdered by her ex boyfriend, and through his art and determination, was able to heal the wound of grief and live the life he loves. His goal is to normalize men speaking of their grief. 

We discuss the importance of men acknowledging their grief and other feelings, the horrors and signs of domestic violence, and more.  It’s a conversation I think every man should hear. 

This episode contains details of domestic violence. Sensitive listeners please be advised.

Links to Jamai:
Website
Docuseries

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 or Text: BEGIN to 88788
 

Transcript

Bill Simpson: Host

00:26
Hi and Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the grief and grace Jamai's story of love, loss and legacy episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach them how to do it and how to be the best version of themselves and live the life they love. In this bonus episode, I had the privilege of speaking with musician, artist and entrepreneur Jamai. 

01:01
You may have seen him on season 14 of the Voice. He was on team Alicia Keys. He was the singing telegram guy. ,Jamai tells his story of when he was six years old, his mother was tragically murdered by her ex-boyfriend and, through his art and determination, was able to heal the wound of grief and live the life he loves. His goal is to normalize men speaking of their grief. We discuss the importance of men acknowledging their grief and other feelings, the horrors and signs of domestic violence and more. It's a conversation I think every man should hear. So please stick around and for sensitive listeners the ride might get a little rough at times, so keep that in mind, fasten your seatbelts. It's the Men on the Path to Love podcast. Welcome Jamai to Men on the Path to Love. 

Jamai: Guest 
02:00
Thank you so much for having me. I'm so honored to be here. Thank you. 

Bill Simpson: Host
02:04
Well, likewise, man, because I did see you on the Voice. Really, I remember the singing telegram thing, man, I was like, really I remember this dude yeah. 

Jamai:Guest
02:15
Wow, how cool is that. I had no idea that you actually remember me, so that's cool. 

Bill Simpson: Host
02:21
No doubt, man, when you reached out, I'm like I know this guy. I know this guy. I feel like I know you already after seeing you on the Voice and seeing some of your stuff. Man, I'm like, all right, this guy I know. So you know, jemai, I'm all about telling stories on my podcast. I'd like for you to just jump in, take as much time as you need to tell us your story. It's such a powerful story, man. 

Jamai: Guest
02:43
Well, Bill, first let me thank you for having me on the platform. I'm thankful that you had me on because of hence the name of this podcast, and we talk about being on a path to love and this journey. I've definitely been on this path for some time. I'm a musician. I've always loved music, but when I was six years old, my was murdered um, and she was 23 at the time.

03:09
I grew up very familiar with grief, but maybe not in a way that that some others have grown up with it. I mean, or have have been familiar with it. I've had grief at a lot of different stages because I was so young, I was six years old and so, um, it wasn't that nobody you know. My family shared with me as much as I was able to understand. She was murdered at the hands of her ex-boyfriend through a very severe domestic violence situation, and not a lot of people know that she was even being abused. 

03:39
If anybody ever has had a parent die a lot of times, it's this thing where you feel like, once you get that age that your parents was when they die, you feel like you don't know you're going to live past that age. So that was one stage of grief when I turned 23, uh, the age that she was when she passed. And then, uh, I wasn't aware of this, this other phase where my mom was 23. And when her 23rd anniversary was approaching, I realized that she would be gone for as long as she was alive, and so to me, that opened up a whole nother level of grief, you know just a whole nother perspective that I had not taken account for prior to, and that was really devastating for me.

04:26
So I was inspired to create an album. I'm a singer, I'm a musician, and so I said I'm going to create 23 songs, and the initial plan was I'll create 23 songs and I'll release a song a week for a span of six months. But in this process, I was inspired to actually put it all on one project. In this process, I was inspired to actually put it all on one project, and the title song of the album is the song's title 23, shannon's Last Words and obviously her name was Shannon. 

05:02
But more interestingly is her cause of death was exsanguination, which is from the loss of blood, and so in this song, I'm basically imagining what her last words could have been. As this death was slow, you know, as this death was painful, I'm wondering what her last words could have been. And so that song is so special and dark. Or when I first did it, it was very hard to listen to. And so, in the process of preparing for the album's release, I wanted to have conversations, I wanted to read news articles, I wanted to look at autopsy reports and police reports and do my due diligence, because I thought I was at the age that I could finally know certain details and have certain conversations. And so that turned into as a true artist, it turned into me creating a documentary. 

05:53
You know, I've always loved movies. I've always loved, I've grown to love editing and directing through my music videos, and so I was having conversations with her friends. That was with her that night. And so I was having conversations with her friends. That was with her that night. It just so happened that I had a conversation with the judge that happened to let my mom's murderer out of jail earlier that day, and so I just had conversations and the goal was to just put this in the documentary as the album was approaching its release. Having those conversations with those people, it was a bit overwhelming for me.

Jamai: Guest
06:28
I just kind of got cold feet about the documentary. I kind of was just like I need to process this because I've learned so many new things and I'm just not ready to move forward with it. So I released the album, I put it out and, interestingly enough, when the album was released, I've noticed that my bad days because if anybody knows anything about grief, you know, uh, holidays one christmas can be a great christmas and another christmas can be like you lost that person that morning yeah, um, one wed Wednesday could be a beautiful Wednesday and the next Wednesday could be the worst Wednesday ever. That's just how grief works. I realized after releasing the album and telling her story through music that I hadn't had those really, really bad days like I was having. 

07:24
Excuse my dog, I'm sorry in the background so it's kind of cathartic like you were able to healing process and I had no idea I've never been to therapy, uh, I had no idea that things would get a little easier to deal with just by simply merely telling her story, by revealing it to the world and kind of giving her her just due, telling her true story through music. And just a few weeks ago I was really inspired because I realized my grief has evolved and so I ran across what would be the first installment of the documentary and I was inspired to just say I want to make it a docu-series because one I want the world to meet, my mom. 

08:13
And then secondly, I'm no longer at the place that I was when I was creating it, that I was in the discovery space. I was in the really dark space of finding things out. You know, it's like a time capsule of where I was with my grief and as I reach different phases of my life. I want to be able to give a snapshot of where I am now with my grief. You know how it's evolved when I have my first kid, or how it's evolved when I get married, or you know just different spaces in my life. And I'm realizing now that, as I'm on this press run doing interviews, that I'm really spreading awareness that this really transcends me. It's really about telling people to be mindful of domestic violence and the signs of it and just how common it is, you know. 

Bill Simpson: Host
09:08
Way too common. I saw a snippet of your docuseries and it really touched me because at the end of the snippet you talk about like as an adult, now you can grieve. And the reason why that touched me was that my mom gave custody to my father when I was eight years old and she died when I was 13. And yet I never saw her after she left. So those five years I never saw her and then she died and I remember going to her memorial service, even at 13. I was numb, I had no feelings, I didn't cry, I hadn't seen this woman in five years. She left me and different story, because your mom didn't choose to leave, right, but in my case I didn't have that grief, I just I was numb. And it wasn't until I must've been about 25, 20, yeah, about 25 years old is when it hit me. 

Jamai: Guest
10:13
Isn't that interesting. 

Bill Simpson:Host
10:15
Right. So that's why it really, really touched me when you said that man, I cried like a baby and all these feelings come up and you know, ultimately I'd gone to therapy, realized that you know it was an abandonment issue and all that kind of stuff. And yet it is funny how that, how grief, works Not funny, Ha ha but interesting how it doesn't impact us until later in life, especially when it's happened to us at such a young age. 

Jamai: Guest
10:42
So interesting. I'm almost curious to hear more about your experience, but not a lot of people can relate to that, because I also had the realization that I was too abandoned. My father. 

Bill Simpson: Host
10:57
He went to jail when my mom was pregnant with me, and he didn't get out of jail until I was 10. So my mom was murdered when I was six. 

Jamai: Guest
11:02
He didn't get out of jail until I was 10. So my mom was murdered when I was six. He didn't get out of jail until I was 10. Now it's not like my father's come home. It's this person that is my father, that I don't have a rapport with. So it's not like my grandmother wasn't about to just let me go and be with my dad. I know him. I don't know him through bars. You know what I'm saying. 

11:23
I don't know him through bars. You know what I'm saying. It wasn't until very recently that I realized that, even though I was loved, even though I never felt neglected, I was probably I can't think of a good word but I was probably celebrated more than an average kid because of, maybe, pity or maybe, the extra attention that was needed. I was always the center of attention, but so the idea of being abandoned or feeling not where I don't belong, or left out, it never dawned on me. But just recently, I mean at this big age, I was like wow, I was. I truly experienced abandonment too, and it works its way out in our. I truly experienced abandonment too. And it works its way out through our personal relationships, our adult relationships, how we perceive ourselves, even subconsciously at times. 

Bill Simpson: Host
Oh yeah, I mean total subconscious. And for me and I've said this on the show before where my abandonment issue showed up, because I've been divorced three times, and here I am doing a relationship coach for men, right, and what happened? I would overlap my relationships ever since I was a teenager. I would have one girl, be with the next one and then leave her, and that went into my first marriage. And it wasn't until I got therapy that I realized that I didn't want to be abandoned. So you know, so that's how that subconscious stuff works out. 

Jamai: Guest
12:48
Wow, for sure I'm aware you know it's a way to protect yourself. You know it's not the way to protect yourself. That's, that's so interesting and it's definitely uh, it's like what else would your podcast be called? Like on that path. 

13:06
Yeah, you're truly, truly on the path, man. You know, yeah, I didn't realize it until very recently. Uh, because when you're a kid, you think, uh, what is in front of me or what is you know what is right here? 

Bill Simpson: Host
13:20
So in the moment. 

Jamai: Guest
13:21
Yeah in the moment, and so I feel like you know, as I've been trying to explain to people, is, yeah, I cried. I cried when my mom, when they told me my mom passed. You know, my grandma told me she went to heaven. I remember when the investigators come into my great-grandma's house and the police talking to the. I remember the funeral. I remember I knew what was going on. But then at six you cry and then you go play Right and then you cry and then you play with your cousins and then you cry and then you watch your favorite. You know, it's just like the way that you know your brain is wired as a kid. That's the process. That's the process. 

14:02
And so missing my mom was as I entered into different stages, you know, and as I got to see other people's moms and you know my mom, I remember her coming to like my elementary school and she would come and sit in the back of the classroom and she would help the teacher teach sometimes. And so I remember getting at a different age when one of my classmates' mom came and did that and I'm like man, I wish my mom was here. I remember my mom would here. I remember, or you know, I remember, you know just all those different things that you, that those subtle things that make your mom your mom right, you know. And uh, another thing is everybody has a glamorized view of their mom for the most part. But you know how like some people were, like, well, my daddy's girl, or I'm a, you know, it was really me and my aunt, or really my grandfather, me and my mom and our immediate family were like I don't want to say the black sheep, but like she was. You know, you got to see her. 

15:03
You know her personality is virus and I'm like that too everybody else in my family. They hate people, I hate people, they don't like social. Yeah, yeah, they're like if it was a color, it was like me and my mom would be like lime green and the rest of the family would be like brown or like I get it so so even growing up it was like missed her. 

15:27
But I even couldn't relate as well to my family because me and her were more alike, and so now it's more like my muse in a lot of ways. You know what I'm saying, so yeah. 

Bill SimpsonHost
15:40
You know you mentioned earlier Jamai about domestic violence and a lot of stuff was going on that nobody even knew. Is there any light you can shed on that to for those out there who may be suspect or wonder if there's something going on, like what are some of the signs that you can? 

JamaiGuest
16:00
remember. So my mom was my mother. As I did research, I realized that her case was by the book classic domestic violence. It was not isolated or special. In a lot of ways she went through the isolation phase, the denial phase. A lot of times people don't realize that in domestic violence cases, whenever a woman threatens to leave or involves authority, the violence takes another step up. And so in my mom's case that was exactly what happened. She put a restraining order on Thanksgiving week, about Tuesday. She was dead by Saturday. So she had reported the abuse. 

16:48
My mom, she even was suffering seizures from the head trauma and nobody knew in our family why she was suffering these seizures. She went to the doctors and my grandmother was present with her at the doctor's office and doctor, you know, his this analysis was the only kind of seizures. These, these kind of seizures usually come from head trauma. She lied right to the doctor. I found this out recently. 

17:18
She had these like uh, this thing that connects to her brain to monitor her brain activity, because they had, you know the doctors, they're trying to figure out why she keep having these seizures. And so she started wearing hats because she was hiding that she would wear these pendant things on her head and it got really bad and so she reported it. You know she stood her ground and he happened to already be on probation for a drug charge. He hadn't been served the restraining order but he was going around, actually going looking for my mom and telling people that when he found her he's going to kill her. So one of my family members reported that to the police and when the police came to our home he was outside of the home with a gun waiting for us to get on and he went to jail. This is like Black Friday and the judge let him out within maybe 12 hours. 

Bill SimpsonHost
18:17
Wow. 

JamaiGuest
18:19
Yeah, my mom was dead Maybe 5 o'clock that next morning. She was about 6 am. She was pronounced dead that next morning. That next morning she was about 6 am. She was pronounced dead that next morning. And so you know it's such a crazy tragic story because we from Chester it's a small town so this particular judge had been friends with the friend of the family. He was close friends with my grandparents, went to high school with him and you know the process of creating this project. 

18:50
I got to meet with him, I finally got to have a conversation with him and uh, so yeah so it was just a lot of different things, but a lot of those things that I just said are very common in domestic violence situations. Um, when he was released, after being arraigned and released, that evening he went to immediately pursue my mom and she went to him, and so people need to realize that, like, abuse is so much more mental than it is physical. Right, and Stockholm Syndrome is a real thing, yeah, in so many ways she. She went to authorities and authorities failed to protect her, and so a woman usually needs at least 21 days to not go back to her abuser, to at least break that cycle. 

19:40
And so these are just things that I've learned. But to your question about reading signs, I always say that the worst thing to tell somebody is why don't you just leave? You need to just leave. 

19:52
That's the worst thing you could tell somebody, but the best thing, in my opinion, you could do is to let them know that you see the signs and to tell them that when they're ready, you can assist them in whatever way possible. And if that means we're just going to move clothes out the house a little by little, or we're going to wait till the kids get to summer school, or we're going to make sure we can lock in a shelter, whatever it is, because it will never be just like that. It's going to be a process, and a lot of times women are in far more danger after they threaten to leave or after they leave. It just is just very common. So be a space for people. 

Bill Simpson: Host
20:38
Yeah, I mean, and it's you know, it's so important for people to be aware of that because, yeah, it sounds obvious that, oh, you should just leave. But it's not like that. When you're in that domestic violence situation and you know, and sometimes it's like you got to act like this guy's okay, that everything's cool, and in the meantime maybe you're putting money away or maybe you're making all these arrangements, but you want to be as cool as you possibly can so you can get out of this place alive. 

Jamai: Guest
21:05
And that takes a lot of strength, and courage of this place alive and that takes a lot of strength and courage, a lot of strategy and, you know, a lot of women are financially bound to their abuser, share children with their abuse. Like it's a lot of different, just layers to that. It's just not that simple to get up and leave you know and an abuser's entire goal is to break you down in every way possible. So that means they're taking all the money out of the joint account or they're slashing your tires or they're lying to other people about you. My mom went through all of that. Her tires were slashed. That's how he got out, by telling the judge that my mom was abusing him, and so just classic behavior. And I went through a season where I was angry with my mom. You know why would you go to him? What would you know what was? 

Bill Simpson: Host
21:59
But people just didn't understand that's a part of that and we can't help who we love. You know, and it sounds crazy that people that aren't in it from the outside you, the outside, you can see it, but when you're in it it's a whole different story. 

Jamai: Guest
22:12
It's a whole different story and it wasn't until I was in a relationship of not being physically abused but mentally abused where I understand the Stockholm Syndrome aspect of it, and I do want to be clear that men do experience domestic violence for sure, absolutely. 

Bill SimpsonHost
22:29
I've been through that myself, so I get it. 

JamaiGuest
22:32
Having a woman speak down to you or speak bad about you or try to embarrass you. I've been through that. So it's definitely not just just towards women, but it is far more common, you know. 

Bill SimpsonHost
22:47
And I want to transition from that and I just want to say how sorry I am that you went through that and I can only imagine and from that you know, going through your grief and different emotions that you experienced from the trauma. What do you say to the men out here who may have experienced something similar or any type of trauma how to deal with that pain, how to deal with those emotions that may not make any sense. 

JamaiGuest
23:14
I would say and I know it's hard for a lot of men is find an outlet. 

23:22
Find an outlet to tell that story, because I think something we don't talk about is and this is no disrespect, and this is not saying that all women, but a lot of women, do not allow men to have a safe space to be emotionally, and so, society-wise, it's not just a macho thing with men, but it is also with women, because a lot of women want to be protected, they want to feel like the man always has everything taken care of, which is fine. 

23:53
But we are also human too, and so a lot of times men just are not comfortable with being vulnerable to their spouses because in an emotional exchange it could be thrown back in their face, you know, and so that's why men are more susceptible to suicide, simply because there is no safe space to express yourself. So I would say, find a way to let it out, and not just going to the gym, through thinking and processing things, through thinking and processing things, but finding a way to tell that story, whether you're emailing yourself, whether you're journaling, whether you're speaking it into your phone. A safe space that you know it won't go anywhere else, if you know somebody that you can actually tell that to, and if you are not yet ready for the big leap up, the big therapy where Right? 

Bill Simpson:Host
24:48
And don't be scared, don't be scared of that. 

Jamai:Guest
24:50
Yeah, you know that's, that's like a. That's like a thing, because it's a thing too where finding a therapist is like finding a spouse. Sometimes you gotta have the energy to do that, and some men don't even want their wives or other people to know that they doing therapy. 

Bill Simpson: Host
25:06
It's a stigma. 

JamaiGuest
25:08
Yeah, it's a stigma, especially for Black men. I would say take a baby step, get that phone out and start talking to them on your phone. Just get it out, you know what I'm saying. Start emailing yourself or journaling, just whatever you can do. That'll make you feel safe, but it'll also be a release, all that stuff that you're. That'll make you feel safe, but it'll also be a release, yeah. 

Bill Simpson: Host
25:30
Well, all that stuff that you know you're holding in and it's only going to impact you, you know, not only emotionally but physically, it can cause you to you know to get sick, have disease and break down because you're not allowing yourself to feel. 

25:44
And I always say you know what you feel is how you heal. And it's hard for men say you know what you feel is how you heal and are for men, you know, and I I guess the blessing here because there's always a blessing and all all that happens is you were able to through your art, you were able to tell your story and not only through your art. Now, with this docu-series, tell us a little bit about that and when can we expect to see it and where can we see it? And all that good stuff. 

Jamai: Guest
26:13
Well, the docu-series, like I said before, was created when I was creating the project back in 2022. And so now I'm releasing it in two parts. It's released just tomorrow the first episode, and then the following Wednesday will be the second episode, and I know you got to see it. So I want to hear and I want you to tell your audience what you thought of it. Yeah, it'll be on my website, jamaime J-A-M-A-I dot me, but I'm premiering it through YouTube. So it's the 23 docuseries Jemai J-A-M-A-I. You can find me on all socials at Jemai Music J-A-M-A-I Music. I am most excited about just introducing the world to my mom. I have home footage of know we glamorize our loved ones often, but I just want the world to know I wasn't lying when I said she was special. You know I'm not lying when I tell people she was really a magnetic soul, that her smile was infectious and that just her personality was just alluring, you know. 

Bill Simpson: Host
27:21
Yeah, no doubt I did see some of that footage and just a strikingly beautiful woman, and not just on the outside, but you could tell from the inside. You know this woman says I love you to somebody you know and I felt that. And then her bubbly personality, you know, just look like she just loved life. And I see that you know she passed that along to you. 

JamaiGuest
27:44
Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you. It does my heart so well because it's like, wow, you got to see her. You know, you got to meet her. I got to show you the light that I came through. You know what I'm saying? Uh, I really have a mother. That's like pretty damn cool, you know you were lucky man.

Bill Simpson: Host
27:58
You had six years with her man. 

Jamai: Guest
28:03
That's awesome yeah, for sure. 

28:04
Bill Simpson: Host
Yeah, this is a prerecorded podcast, so your YouTube video will still be on right? 

Jamai: Guest
28:05
For sure, when this comes out, it'll definitely be available and, depending on whoever listens, you'll probably be able to catch both episodes. Yeah, it'll be available on YouTube for the world. I'm nervous as hell.

Bill Simpson: Host
28:28
Well, those nerves are good nerves, man, because, yeah, man, you know it's, it's, it's so personal, you know, and you're putting it out to the world and I gotta tell you, when I see people being real and just showing me who they really are, the walls go down and the heart opens up. And you know, I don't think you're gonna have any problem with that man because you just you, just being real. And I actually shared it with someone this morning and she was touched to tears and she can't wait to hear the podcast and to see the docueries. So I think you're onto something, man, and I think, honoring your mother with this. 

29:12
You know, I know you mentioned about not wanting to exploit your mother on the Voice. You know, because you know you see these backstories and they draw all this drama out and you chose not to do that for a deliberate reason, and that, again, is honoring your mother. And now you're doing it your way. You know it's not going to be edited like the producers wanted to come out. You're doing your real thing and that's so authentic and I think that's what's going to come through to the viewers. 

Jamai: Guest
29:41
Thank you, and I'll try to tell everybody like they were as classy and as tactful as one could be. It's such a sensitive space for me. 

Bill SimpsonHost
29:49
Yeah. 

Jamai: Guest
29:50
It was no way. It was just no way. It was no way. Do you want me to tell my story? And I can't pick what parts of the story you tell? 

Bill Simpson: Host
29:59
You have a little bit of snippet right. 

Jamai:Guest
30:03
Exactly, I don't have control over that. So you know exactly I'll have control over that. So you know, trust that if I'm good enough, let me be good enough. You know and I know, that's just not how tv works I know that's not even society works, you know you. You get your points based off of pity or or relativity, or all those things. It wasn't worth it to me to exploit my mom for a tv show. 

Bill Simpson: Host
30:29
Jamai, I can't tell you how much I appreciate you reaching out to share this. I look forward to the series, and I'm sure my listeners will too. I'll have the link to the YouTube. I have everything in the show notes for people to check out, and I wish you continued success. You've turned a tragedy into a blessing, and it's allowed you to heal and move forward, and I commend your strength and your courage to do so. 

Jamai: Guest
30:56
Thank you so much, bill, and I truly appreciate you having me and I look forward to speaking with you more. Man, and I'm wishing you all the best love and success. Man On the path to love man Very good man, and wishing you all the best love and success man On the path to love man. 

Bill Simpson: Host
31:09
Very good man, and that will wrap up another episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast. Thank you for listening and again, thanks to Jamai for sharing his deep personal story of love his deep personal story of love, loss and legacy Such an inspiring message to give hope and healing to us all. You can find links to Jamai and his work, his music, his docuseries and more in the show notes. Now coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast. I share Frank's story and how being uncomfortable in his relationship became his best friend, to the point where he grew to thrive in relationship. Find out how being uncomfortable in your relationship can actually help your relationship thrive. 

31:59
Please join me for the Beyond the Comfort Zone how Discomfort Can Strengthen your Relationship episode zone, how discomfort can strengthen your relationship episode. And hey, I'm always open to suggestions for the show, the topics you'd like for me to cover, any issues you may be having in your relationship, or just let me know how I can make the podcast a better listening experience for you. I'd love to hear from you. Just go to my website, menonthepathtolove.com, and you can contact me there and while you're there, you can sign up for my free coaching session on how to communicate better in relationship. You can also download my free cheat sheet about the same thing five ways you can communicate better in relationship. The website, once again, is menonthepathtolove.com. 

Now remember to let folks know about this podcast. All right, the world needs more love, so please share the link and share the love and until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.