Beyond the Comfort Zone: How Discomfort Can Strengthen Your Relationship

In this episode, I share Frank’s story and how being uncomfortable in his relationship became his best friend, to the point where he grew to thrive in relationship.  Find out how being uncomfortable can help you thrive in your relationship. Check out the Beyond the Comfort Zone: How Discomfort Can Strengthen Your Relationship episode.

Transcript

Men on the Path to Love
S3 Ep10
Beyond the Comfort Zone: How Discomfort Can Strengthen Your Relationship

Bill Simpson:

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, Beyond the Comfort Zone: How Discomfort Can Strengthen Your Relationship, episode.  I’m Bill Simpson your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship, and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach them how to do it, and how to be the best version of themselves and live the life they love!

Ok, so how in the hell can discomfort strengthen your relationship you may ask? It’s kind of like when I did the episode on Change is Easy where I said change is easy, it’s our attitude about change that makes it hard. Not to say there isn’t hard work to be done but it’s that you’re not struggling to take action and do the work because you’re committed to it.

So when I say discomfort can strengthen your relationship, it’s getting out of your comfort zone to make the changes you need to strengthen your relationship.  When you try to make changes to become a better version of yourself, you’re gonna have some discomfort, because it will seem unusual or foreign to you. Trying things you’ve never done before is getting out of your comfort zone.  When you start feeling comfortable with being uncomfortable, you’re on to something big. That’s how you grow to be the best version of yourself.

I’ll use Frank as an example. Frank (not his real name) was referred to me by his therapist. It was clear that he wanted to make some changes in his life. Especially in his relationship with his fiancee, Fran (not her real name of course). Frank was getting a lot of feedback from Fran that had him concerned that she might break off the engagement. 

Some of the feedback was that, for one, Frank had a hard time validating Fran’s feelings and experiences.  She would tell him how she felt about something and he would get defensive or at times, dismissive. She tried to explain to him that she needed to feel heard and he would respond with I do hear you. This frustrated Fran to no end. 

Another thing that Frank got feedback on was how he talked to Fran in a way that confused her, and she often didn’t know where she stood in the relationship.  And when she would try to get clarity he would shut down the conversation by saying something like, “you heard me.” 

Fran also noticed that Frank spent more time hanging out with his friends after he got off work than he was spending with her.  When she pointed it out to Frank, he got defensive and said “I come home to you every night don’t I?”  This was so hurtful for Fran to where she knew she had to take care of herself.  

Now, even though Fran & Frank were engaged, they still had separate places. Fran stayed with Frank most of the time. In order to take care of herself, she started spending more time at her place, since Frank insisted on hanging out with his friends. Frank took notice and was afraid that Fran might break it off. And this is where he felt the need to get some help.

So Frank had explained to me all of this, the feedback Fran had given him, and we got started.  The first thing was to address his defensiveness. It was funny, when I mentioned it, he said “but I don’t get defensive.”  I smiled and told him that he was being defensive, right now. And he was like, “oh.”  That was a good sign because he got it. 

I shared with him a phrase that I share with all of my clients and that is ‘reality is in the eye of the receiver.”  I explained that it is not about being right or wrong, it’s about validating her experience.  I gave him an example, say if she said something like “I need you to stop with your attitude.”  Instead of being defensive and saying, “I don’t have an attitude.” Stop, take a breath and say something like “I’m sorry you experienced me that way, tell me more, tell me how I did that.”  

Well, Frank didn’t like that one bit. He was like “I can’t do that man, it goes against my nature.” I supported him and told him that I got what he was saying, and that I used to be the same way. And I told him that if he wanted to improve his chances with Fran that he would have to work on getting out of his comfort zone, to grow and be a better version of himself.

He had this puzzled look on his face. Since I knew he liked to play tennis, I asked him how it was the first time he played tennis. He said it was really awkward at first, especially with serving and his backhand. I asked why he didn’t quit if it was so awkward. He said that it was because he really wanted to learn how to play.  I was like, so even though it was uncomfortable at first, you got out of your comfort zone, because you really wanted to know how to play. He smiled and said “you got me.”

So I asked him, do you want to be a better version of yourself? He was like “For Fran? Yeah.”  I said “no, do you want to be a better version of yourself for you?” Because if Fran decides to leave or not, you’ll still have the same issues.  He thought about it for a minute and was like “you know, you’re right.”  He smiled again and said, “I’m all in coach!” 

To me, this meant that Frank was coachable, and that’s when we really got down to business. I encouraged Frank to get comfortable with being uncomfortable because in order to change he would have to get out of his comfort zone, and be open to change. I told him that the discomfort was from trying to shift his old way of thinking and acting, to a new mindset and way of behaving. 

Because that’s how the brain works. It resists change.  Accept that the brain does that, feel the discomfort, and keep going. Keep telling your brain that you’re going to think and act differently, when you do that, your brain will eventually stop fighting you, and you will be beyond the discomfort and feel comfortable with your new attitude and behavior.  

I asked Frank if he could see how discomfort could be a positive thing, and that it meant that he was growing and becoming a better version of himself. And the more discomfort he had the more he was going to grow.

Well, Frank got it. No longer afraid of change and the discomfort of change, he did the work. He told me that he made discomfort his best friend. He put post it notes with the words “be comfortable with uncomfortable” all over, in his car, at his desk at work, on the fridge at home and so on. Frank’s commitment to doing the work, discomfort and all, really paid off. Part of the work involved Fran seeing me with Frank from time to time. She was committed to her growth too. Together, Frank & Fran were truly on their path to love.

So yeah, when you are thinking about making a change, make discomfort your friend, and don’t try to fight it. Accept that it comes with the territory. It’s part of the process so you might as well get used to it. It makes the process of change so much easier. Whether it’s in your relationship or any aspect of your life. And going back to attitude, it’s our attitude about the process that can make it easier or harder…you decide.

In the words of the late self-help guru Bob Proctor, he says "Your ability to deal with discomfort directly determines how much success you will have in relationships and in life.” Alright, so get comfortable with uncomfortable!

And that’s going to do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast. I’m Bill Simpson your host. I appreciate you listening. 

Coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, it’s a bonus episode with author Dr Mark Hicks. Mark poured his heart and soul into his book "Learning Love: Building a Life That Matters and Healthy Relationships That Last.”  He says in today's world, where loneliness and conflict are pressing issues, he’s confident that his insights can offer hope and guidance for those seeking deeper connections. Hey, I’m all about that. Please join me for the Learning Love with author Dr Mark Hicks, bonus episode on the Men on the Path to Love podcast.

Now, as always if you have any topics you’d like me to cover or want to reach me for any reason please contact me at website menonthepathtolove.com. You can sign up for a free coaching session with me, how to communicate better in relationship. You can also download my free cheat sheet, 5 Ways to communicate better in relationship. You can do it all at menonthepathtolove.com.

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And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love!