Reading the Signs: How to Tune In To Cues in Your Relationship

Ever feel like you're missing the hidden messages in your relationship? Noticing the subtIe signs or cues from your spouse or partner can help you uncover these hidden messages, and can be a real game changer in your relationship. In this episode, you'll hear Gary's story and  how he went from clueless to clued-in to transform his relationship. Check out the Reading the Signs: How to Tune In To Cues in Your Relationship, episode.

Chapters

• 0:21 Reading the Signs in Relationships
• 8:38 Understanding Relationship Cues and Signs
• 16:43 Improving Relationship Communication Techniques

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:21

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast Reading the Signs how to tune in to cues in your relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach them how to do it and how to be the best version of themselves and live the life they love. So let me ask you how good are you at picking up your spouse or partner's cues? Well, noticing these cues can be a real game changer for the success of your relationship.

Bill Simpson: 0:59

You'll hear me talk a lot about how important communication is in relationship, right? Well, not all communication is verbal. In fact, a lot of very important messages are sent in more subtle ways, like the tone of the voice, body language, through touch or a look or an expression. And back in the day I was pretty bad at it. Really I sucked. I remember when I first started dating and I would be out on a date and would have no idea if my date wanted a kiss or not, you know. Or even when I was first married, my wife at the time would have been keeping her distance, you know. Her body language would have low energy and she wasn't being very affectionate. And then I would want to have sex and she would get pissed off and I didn't have a clue as to why. Then I would be pissed off because she didn't want to have sex. Well, I wasn't picking up on her cues that she wasn't up for it.

Bill Simpson: 1:59

And I have to say this is true for a lot of guys. It can be really hard to pick up on these subtle cues or signs, and for me, it wasn't until I was made aware of these cues or signs and what to look for that my relationships changed for the better. And I've gotten to the point now to where I'm so tuned in to where it blows my wife's mind at times, and frankly, it goes both ways. She can read me pretty well too. So recognizing your spouse or partner's cues is a skill that can make all the difference in the world when it comes to having a deeper connection and especially to help prevent misunderstandings.

Bill Simpson: 2:39

And this brings me to Gary's story. Gary, not his real name. He learned the hard way, man. I mean, he was as clueless as I used to be. Gary was this great guy. He was funny, hardworking and he was very much in love with his fiancée, grace, not her real name.

Bill Simpson: 3:00

Gary's biggest issue was that he wasn't very good at picking up on the subtle cues and signs that Grace would give when she needed to feel supported. Now, it wasn't that Gary didn't give a crap, he just didn't notice the cues and that caused some friction and misunderstandings in their relationship. Things like when Grace had been feeling overwhelmed with work and instead of coming out and just saying it you know that she needed support she would drop hints by sighing heavily or saying how tired she was. And Gary had his own stuff going on and would totally miss Grace's cues. He would say "only two more days until the weekend, babe, or he would just change the subject and Grace would end up not feeling seen or supported. And Grace got really quiet when Gary had made a comment about what a pain in the ass planning for a wedding was. Gary didn't notice that Grace had gotten quiet and he just kept on talking about it. He didn't have a clue that Grace was hurt by what he said and Grace really enjoyed planning the wedding, so it really hurt her deeply.

Bill Simpson: 4:09

Now this kind of stuff would go on and on and on and it started to have impact on their relationship. And the real kicker was when they were at a family gathering and Grace, who was usually outgoing and engaged with everyone, had become withdrawn after Gary's uncle had made a crude comment about her career as a massage therapist and not sure what to say. Grace kind of forced a smile and she looked over at Gary as to say you know, I need some support here. And all the while he was laughing along with his uncle. Well, you can imagine that didn't go over well with Grace at all. I mean, she felt betrayed and totally unsupported. She got really quiet and her silence filled the room to where others noticed it. And Gary's sister noticed it and took Gary aside and told him that she thought Grace was looking at him for support after what his uncle said and that he didn't seem to notice and, even worse, that he was laughing along with his uncle.

Bill Simpson: 5:13

Well, gary trusted his sister and her feedback and it made him realize that he had missed something really important. He also realized that he had gotten the same kind of feedback from Grace over time but he never really took it to heart. And now, with his sister's feedback, he finally got it that his lack of awareness might be affecting their relationship, now realizing he could use some help.

Bill Simpson: 5:38

Gary had heard my podcast a few times, a friend had turned him on to it and he decided to reach out to me and together we worked on understanding about the subtle cues that partners often give in relationships and, based on what he had told me about his feedback from Grace, I coached Gary on how to pay closer attention to Grace. When she gets quiet or when her body language shifts or the tone of her voice, you know not so much what she says but how she says it. And, most importantly, I helped him learn how to communicate when he wasn't sure about a cue, you know, how to ask Grace in a kind and compassionate way, to check in with her to see how she was feeling or if she needed something or needed support with her, to see how she was feeling or if she needed something or needed support.

Bill Simpson: 6:28

Well, over time, gary got better at picking up Grace's cues and her subtle signs and responding in a way that made Grace feel seen and heard and that she was important to Gary and Grace, seeing Gary making an effort to being better attuned to her feelings, started to trust Gary more and in turn, she was able to be more direct in expressing how she was feeling and what she needed, and, with the two of them working on their personal growth, it helped deepen their level of intimacy and trust and overall strength of their relationship, sealing the deal to finally get married. Their relationship sealing the deal to finally get married and it was a pretty amazing journey for Gary, you know, going from being clueless and unaware of the cues and subtle signs to becoming a more attentive and supportive partner, and it truly is a testament to the power of getting support to be the best version of yourself, for yourself and for your relationship.

Bill Simpson: 7:28

So let's take a deeper dive into what research says about the importance of noticing these cues and subtle signs in relationship and what are some of the main cues you might want to look for. I'll start with body language, which is a big one, as I'm sure you know that body language can say more than words. Right, you know positive body language often goes with relationship satisfaction, while negative body language might mean there are some underlying issues going on. Examples of negative body language are, say, if your spouse or partner is looking away when you're talking or avoids eye contact, or maybe she's crossing her arms and her heart while you're talking with her, those might be signs that she may feel uncomfortable, maybe she's not interested or that she might need some space Now. Positive body language, on the other hand, could be maintaining eye contact, having a soft face or a subtle smile, keeping arms and heart open and showing positive gestures. All that can demonstrate that you are engaged and want to connect.

Bill Simpson: 8:38

And with body language comes how often touch comes into play. Research and common sense really for all this stuff. It suggests that touch is a powerful way to communicate in relationship and there is a correlation between physical affection and emotional intimacy and the overall relationship satisfaction. So if your spouse or partner is not touching you as much or not showing physical affection or pulls away from your touch, it may be a cue that something's wrong or that they at least feel disconnected. And on the other side, giving more affectionate touch can be a sign of feeling connected and at ease. And I'll add to that too much affectionate touch can be annoying to the other person. So it's important to create a balance with your touch, you know, and just check in with her if you feel it may be too much.

Bill Simpson: 9:35

Another cue is tone of voice yeah, the how you say it versus what you say, and relationship researcher John Gottman of the Gottman Institute found that the tone of voice is a critical factor in predicting relationship success. A harsh or critical tone can lead to conflict and dissatisfaction. You know, being unusually curt or distant, or overly soft-spoken or withdrawn All that can be a sign of an emotional shift, like having a sarcastic or dismissive tone might mean she feels frustrated or resentful. Well, the good news, on the other hand, is that a warm, supportive tone encourages connection. So if her tone is calm and soft, it could be a sign of feeling connected or a desire for intimacy.

Bill Simpson: 10:29

Now, along with tone, there can be verbal cues. According to the research, the way partners speak to each other, including word choice and phrasing, often reflects the underlying emotions and relationship health. So negative ways of talking can be a sign of deeper issues that need to be addressed and that could be saying things like you always blah, blah, blah or you never blah, blah, blah. All that might mean there's some unresolved frustration or there are needs that aren't being met and you'll want to talk about it. And speaking of talking about it, another thing to be aware of is communication in general, and you'll hear me say it over and over, and research backs this up and it's pretty obvious, but it bears repeating.

Bill Simpson: 11:17

Effective communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship. That's why, on my website, I offer all this stuff about communication right? Well, research shows that when changes in how your spouse or partner communicates, like not being as open or maybe being more critical, they can be early warning signs that there's a problem in the relationship. They can be early warning signs that there's a problem in the relationship. I'll give you an example. Say, if your spouse or partner starts giving like short, one-word answers like how are you Fine, you okay today, yes, or avoids getting into meaningful conversations, it could mean that she's upset or feeling disconnected. Yet when she does engage in deep conversations or checks in with you often, it may be a cue that she wants to be closer. I'll give you a few more cues to be aware of and I know it's a lot, but it's important to have this awareness and a big one is how you respond to emotional cues.

Bill Simpson: 12:19

According to research, emotional responsiveness, or the ability to recognize and respond to a partner's emotions, is directly related to relationship satisfaction. And when there's a lack of emotional responsiveness, it can lead to feelings of disconnection and even isolation. And this was the big issue Grace had with Gary. He didn't show empathy when she was upset with what his uncle had said, and it wasn't until Gary's sister pointed it out that he was able to see how hurt and isolated Grace felt. And when he was able to eventually respond to Grace's emotions with empathy, it made all the difference.

Bill Simpson: 13:01

Another sign to look out for is when your spouse or partner changes her habits or routines, especially when they don't involve you. Now, significant changes in behavior can be a sign that there's a shift in the dynamics of the relationship. So say, if your partner or spouse suddenly begins spending more time by herself, or maybe she's starting new hobbies without you, or even changing her daily habits, all this could be a cue that she's not happy or maybe wants more independence. And when you notice these things, it's so important to talk about it and get clarity, to understand why she's making these changes and to address any underlying issues and if you need to get help to resolve these issues.

Bill Simpson: 13:49

And the last cue I'll talk about is being aware of how future plans are discussed. Having conversations of a mutual future together is a positive sign that there's a commitment to the relationship. Now, on the flip side, if your spouse or partner talks less and less about future plans that involve you or, even worse, starts making individual plans without talking to you about it, that could be a sign that the relationship's future might be on shaky ground. And again, talk about it openly and try to resolve any underlying issues. So there you go.

Bill Simpson: 14:25

I hope you now see the importance of recognizing the cues and signs in relationship. John Gottman, the relationship researcher I referenced earlier, calls those cues to connect with your spouse or partner. He calls them bids, bidding for your attention and connection. And these bids are desires to connect and it could be, you know, a look in the eyes, it could be a smile or certain expression, it could be a gentle touching of the shoulder or the neck or the back or something to show affection and to bid that you're asking for connection. And these are really important John says, and are all a part of the cues and subtle signs. And I'm going to wrap this up with a quote from him. He says "successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures and small acts. Bids for connection are the fundamental unit of emotional communication in a relationship. Recognizing and responding to these bids can make or break a relationship. Enough said.

Bill Simpson: 15:39

And that will bring this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast to an end. The Reading the Signs: How to Tune In to Cues in Your Relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you for listening.

Bill Simpson: 15:54

Coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast it's a bonus episode with my guest, Craig Richard. You'll hear his inspiring story of how, as an expert rock climber, had a devastating accident that shattered his leg. Just a year later, with metal in his leg, he reached the 3,000-foot summit of El Capitan, one of the most difficult climbs in the world. And not only that he became a national finalist on the TV show American Ninja Warrior. He's battled Lyme disease which is no joke, by the way as well as anxiety and depression, to become what he calls a heart-centered leader with an insatiable thirst for life. Make sure you check it out on the next Men on the Path to Love podcast. You will definitely be inspired.

Bill Simpson: 16:43

Now, if you have a topic you'd like for me to cover or want to get in touch with me, simply go to my website, menonthepathtolove. com. You can email me from there. You can actually sign up for a free coaching session on how to communicate better in relationship, as well as my free cheat sheet five how to communicate better in relationship, as well as my free cheat sheet Five ways to Communicate Better in Relationship. Just go to menonthepathtolove. com and if you know someone you think needs to listen to this podcast or just want to put more love out into the world, then please share the link and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.