Is My Relationship Worth Fighting For?

Is your relationship truly worth fighting for? In this episode, you'll hear Hakeem's story about how he was on the fence with his marriage and what he decided to do.  I will share with you some of the essential questions you should ask yourself about your commitment, happiness, and the overall health of your relationship. Check out the Is My Relationship Worth Fighting For?  episode.

Chapters

• 0:12 Is Your Relationship Worth Fighting For?
• 9:21 Navigating Relationship Challenges With Courage
• 15:57 Enhancing Communication Skills in Relationships

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:12

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Is my Relationship Worth Fighting For? Episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach them how to do it and how to be the best version of themselves and live the life they love. So I'm going to start right out of the gate and say I think that most all relationships are worth fighting for if you want it. That being said, as much as you may want it, there are a lot of things to consider if you're on the fence about your marriage or relationship. I'll get into those considerations as I share Hakeem's story.

Bill Simpson: 1:00

Hakeem, not his real name, was a guy who was definitely on the fence about his marriage. He had one foot out the door. He was referred to me by his therapist at the clinic where I work to help him with his stress and anxiety. When he found out that I worked with men in relationship, that's all he wanted to talk about, because he felt that was the cause of his stress and anxiety, and this is not uncommon with the men that I work with. Anyway, he had a long list of complaints that were all about his wife, hannah Not her real name, of course. After hearing his complaints about Hannah, I came out and asked him if he wanted to stay married to her and he hemmed and hawed, which, right there, showed me his ambivalence. He finally said that he didn't know. He said that he loved Hannah and all, but it was so stressful being in the relationship with her. Well, that's when I shared with him something I was told a long time ago and that was the best way out of the relationship is to have both feet in, that meaning being totally committed to doing whatever it takes to see if the relationship can work and if it doesn't, at least you've tried everything you can and you can walk away from the relationship in good conscience. It took a minute for it to sink in and Hakeem finally got it. He was like I gotta be all in to see if I want to be out. And I was like, yeah, because if you have one foot out the door of the relationship, that could go on and on forever and you're still in the same mess. Nothing happens unless you commit. So if you're not committed and 100% in, then your relationship is very unlikely to succeed. Well, at this point Hakeem was like okay, I'm 100% in, let's do this. And that was a huge step for Hakeem and that's when we decided to get down to business.

Bill Simpson: 3:03

We started with me giving him some things to consider about his marriage. First of all, was he happy? You know, was there enough good stuff in their relationship bank to make up for the not-so-good? In other words, was he more content in the marriage or more frustrated or resentful or whatever? He said that for the most part he had been content and happy, but that last year had been very stressful and frustrating for him. You know lots of arguments about what he said were stupid things. Well, I asked if he and Hannah had talked about the issues they were having in their relationship and he said not really. You know that they mostly argued and blamed each other for stuff. I asked him if Hannah knew he had one foot out the door, and he said that she didn't come out and say it. Yet he noticed that when he would pull away that she would act nicer to him. So he figured she could sense it.

Bill Simpson: 4:04

And I asked Hakeem if he was getting his needs met in the marriage and he was like well, you know, we haven't had sex in like six months, and that was something to consider. And I went a little deeper and asked if he felt loved, respected and cared for, and he said for the most part, yes, although the arguments had gotten ugly a couple of times. Well, that led me to ask how they handle conflicts in the relationship and he said not so great. You know that they played the blame game a lot and they wouldn't really speak to each other after an argument like the next day, but a few days later they would be back on good terms without talking about what happened. So by this point I felt that there were some potentially easy fixes here. You know, working on communications and conflict resolution this is all common in relationship.

Bill Simpson: 5:01

So the next thing I asked Hakeem to consider was how balanced he felt the relationship was. Did he feel like they both contributed equally to the marriage or was it one-sided? And that would include things like emotional support and, of course, the pragmatic responsibilities. You know the household needs, finances and stuff like that. He said that she did complain about him not doing enough around the house and he felt that he was more budget conscious than Hannah and that she would spend money without talking with him With this. I asked him about values, you know, did they have similar values? And he said for the most part they did. And then an obvious question I had was did he see himself with Hannah for the long run or did he think he'd be happier apart in the long run? And this brought Hakeem back to being in 100%. He's like nope, I'm in it. Okay.

Bill Simpson: 6:04

So there were a few other considerations I was going to bring up, but since Hakeem was committed to having both feet in, I thought we had plenty to start with. So we worked on having that hard talk with Hannah and facing the issues in their relationship and ways of how he could approach the conversation. I shared with him mindful communication techniques and conflict resolution skills he could approach the conversation. I shared with him mindful communication techniques and conflict resolution skills he could use with Hannah. And after a few sessions of working on these techniques, hakeem asked if I could see the two of them together to help start the conversation, and I told him that I was willing to if Hannah was on board. It turned out that she was, and so the three of us met. Now Hannah was very open and seemed willing to give the new techniques and skills a try.

Bill Simpson: 6:53

Well, this lasted for about a month and then things started sliding back to the way it was before. Hakeem was more frustrated than ever, said that Hannah wasn't trying anymore, and after talking with her friends about it, she said that the stuff I was coaching him on was all bullshit, and the relationship took a big turn for the worse. I asked Hakeem how he felt about it and he said that what I was coaching him on made sense to him, but it just wasn't working with Hannah, and he was back on the fence again. Frankly, he was damn nearly off the fence by this point. So there were a few more things I wanted Hakeem to consider before he threw in the towel. I asked if he thought that Hannah would agree to talk to a therapist or marriage counselor, and he said that he had already asked and she said no.

Bill Simpson: 7:48

I wanted to know if he felt like he had grown in the relationship, and he said that he did notice his own growth. Yet he felt Hannah wasn't willing to grow, and when I asked him about what he had learned in his relationship, he sadly said how selfish Hannah was. He said he always knew it at some level, but not to this extent. Well, since Hakeem was still on the fence, I posed two questions what was he afraid of the most if he stayed, and what was he afraid of the most if he left? His answer to the first question was that he thought he would never be happy if he stayed, and if he left, he was afraid that he would be alone and hated the idea of dating again. Well, I pointed out the significance of him saying that he'll never be happy if he stayed, and I asked him if he was willing to stay with her, even if it meant he would be unhappy. He responded with a hard no. I then reassured him that the more he worked on his own personal growth, that he would be okay alone and that he would only be setting himself up for an even better relationship if he decided to leave. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said I'm done. Well, I encouraged him to really take his time to make sure, you know, and it turned out that Hannah was done too, and about a month later they filed for divorce.

Bill Simpson: 9:21

The fact that he didn't have any kids or much property or assets to divide. It went about as smoothly as it could have, and I have to say that I considered this a success for Hakeem. You know the fact that he stepped up to the plate and did the work to keep both feet in the relationship. He was able to walk away with his head up, knowing that he tried his best and that he was ready and willing to do the work. Hakim was committed to his personal growth and I have a feeling he's probably doing just fine right now.

Bill Simpson: 9:59

You know I've had people ask me how I feel when a guy comes to me to help save his marriage or relationship and it doesn't work out. And my response is even though I'm a relationship coach, it's never my goal to save the relationship. Although it's an amazing feeling when the relationship is salvaged, it's not my goal. My goal is to help the guy be the best version of himself for himself and take that to his current or future relationship. Whether the relationship works or not, it's a win for the guy because he's an improved version of himself and chances are he'll do better in his next relationship. That certainly was the case for me and a lot of men that I've worked with.

Bill Simpson: 10:48

Okay, so I hope, from listening to Hakim's story, that you got a sense of things to consider if you're deciding whether to fight for your relationship or not. I'm going to review what I shared with Hakim and a few other things to ask yourself to help you get a sense of clarity. Either way, I'll start with do I have both feet in the relationship, you know? Am I willing to do the work and is my spouse or partner willing? Am I happy in this relationship? You know? Am I getting more good stuff or not so good stuff? Am I just getting crumbs of the good stuff or does the good stuff outweigh the not so good? Another thing to ask yourself is have I had the tough talk about the issues in my relationship with my spouse or partner and am I willing to have the talk? What are my needs in this relationship and are they being met? Am I willing to take the risk to ask for what I need? Another is how do I feel about myself in this relationship? Can I grow and do well, or do I feel stifled or held back or diminished in any way? Do I feel loved, respected, safe and valued in this relationship?

Bill Simpson: 12:09

And, going from your personal reflection, take an objective, look at your relationship and ask yourself how do we navigate disagreements and conflicts. Does how we handle arguments cause more harm than good? Does it lead to a deeper connection or more anger and resentment and frustration? Is there reciprocity in our relationship? You know the give and take. Is it fairly balanced or one-sided, you know, and that includes putting forth effort in maintaining the relationship, the pragmatic responsibilities and emotional support as well. And another thing to think about is your potential future with your spouse or partner. Ask yourself do I see myself with this person in the long run? Do I see my future self happier together or apart? Do we share enough similar core values, goals and mutual vision for the future?

Bill Simpson: 13:07

And another important thing to consider is your physical, emotional, mental and even spiritual well-being. So ask yourself how am I feeling physically in this relationship? I remember one relationship I was in. My anxiety was so bad that I felt like I was digesting glass. It was awful and when I ended the relationship it all went away. It's also asking do I feel physically safe in this relationship and yes, men can feel physically unsafe in a relationship and asking the same for your mental, emotional and spiritual well-being. And, in the same vein, asking yourself can I be my true, authentic self in this relationship without being judged. Do I feel like I have to hide my true self or a part of my true self? You've got to be able to be your authentic self if you're going for the long term of your relationship.

Bill Simpson: 14:10

And in thinking about staying or leaving, ask yourself what would my life be like if I stay? What would it be like if I leave? And the two questions I asked Hakeem what am I afraid of if I stay and what am I afraid of if I leave? So there you go. I know that's a lot of things to consider and I realize that deciding whether to stay or leave in your relationship is a very personal situation and can be a very difficult decision. And if you've answered positively to most of these questions, I would say that your relationship is definitely worth fighting for.

Bill Simpson: 14:50

And again, if you really want it and if your spouse or partner really wants it, then that's a no-brainer. Fight like hell for it, right, yeah, get the help you need to fight for it. And if you're ambivalent about whether to stay or leave, put an end to the suffering and please get some help. You know, in all this trying to decide, you know, whether to stay or leave. It kind of reminds me of the old Kenny Rogers hit the Gambler. You know you've got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them. The gambler, you know you've got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away and know when to run. Yeah, I mean, the key here is to be self-aware, to embrace acceptance and have the courage to make a tough choice and do the work.

Bill Simpson: 15:40

If you want to fight for your relationship and that's going to do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, is my relationship worth fighting for. I hope this episode helped you. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you so much for listening.

Bill Simpson: 15:57

Now, if you have an idea or topic for the show, do tell. You can share it with me by going to my website, menonthepathtolovecom. You can email me or text me. And while you're at my website, you might as well sign up for a free coaching session with me on how to communicate better in relationship, which is one of the biggest, if not the biggest, issues couples face in relationship. If you need help with communication in your relationship, please take advantage of this free session and if you're not quite there yet, you know to do a session. You can download my free cheat sheet five ways to communicate better in relationship. Just go to menonthepathtolovecom and you know with my vision and mission to spread more love in the world with this podcast. I ask you to please share the link and share the love and until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.