Navigating the Nag: How to Handle Nagging in Relationship*

Do you it hate when your spouse or partner nags? Does your spouse or partner’s nagging turn into arguments and disconnect? Want to put a stop the nagging? In this episode, you’ll hear Jason’s story and how he stopped the nagging in his relationship. I'll give you tips on how you can handle the nagging in yours.  Check out the Navigating the Nag: How to Handle Nagging in Your Relationship, episode.

*Language

Chapters

• 0:10 Effective Communication in Relationships
• 13:10 Seeking the Risk in Relationships

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:10

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Navigating the Nag how to Handle Nagging in Relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach them how to do it and how to be the best version of himself for himself and his current or future relationship and live the life he loves.

Speaker 1: 0:41

So nagging, right man? I hear it over and over from men. I see in my practice, you know, like I can't stand it when she nags, or she's always nagging me about something, or the classic all women do is nag, nag, nag and brother. When I hear that last one man, it's like no man. It's so unfair to make a blanket statement like that right Now. Granted, there are women who nag and, frankly, men too, for that matter but it's usually the woman that gets the nag label, you know, and what we men perceive as nagging is more than likely something a lot deeper going on in the relationship, you know, like some unresolved issues underneath the surface, or it can just be a sideways way of saying that their needs aren't being met and they're not being direct, and no matter what the nag is all about. It's really how you respond to it that makes the difference. You know, if you get all defensive and yell at her to stop nagging, well see how far that gets you. And it certainly didn't work for one of my clients.

Speaker 1: 1:54

I'll call him Jason. He was a pretty open-minded guy, which I appreciated. He took in feedback well and had no problem admitting when he was wrong, which was a good thing. And one issue that Jason really struggled with was when his partner I'll call her Janice when Janice would nag at him, it drove him up the wall and he let her know it too, and the way he described it it was the cause of a lot of arguments. So I asked Jason to give me some examples of what Janice did in terms of nagging, and he said that she would nag about him taking out the trash when the trash was piling up and she'd be like you never take the trash out when I ask you. I've told you a thousand times blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1: 2:43

Another example he told me was when they're running late for something and how she nags at him to hurry up, saying like we're going to be late again because of you. Why can't you ever be on time. And another one that really gets to him, he said, was when she nags him about being on his phone. So much saying you never spend time with me anymore, you're always on your phone, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, I got the idea.

Speaker 1: 3:11

So I asked him you know how would he respond to her when she would nag about taking the trash out, you know? And he said, well, he would say something like you know, I'll get to it later, stop bugging me about it. And then I asked him you know about being late? And he said something similar like I'm hurrying, I'm doing the best I can, you don't have to keep nagging me. And then, of course, I asked him about when he was on his phone, and he said something like I just want to chill after a long day, can't I have some space?

Speaker 1: 3:46

So I appreciated Jason for his honesty and how he responded, and it gave me some clarity on how I was going to coach him. And, as always, I supported him first and told him that I understood why he would respond the way he did and that it can be really frustrating being nagged at, you know, especially repeatedly. Then I asked Jason how it was working for him the way he handled it and he he chuckled and said that not so good, you know, and, like I mentioned earlier, he had said that it was a source of a lot of arguments. So I asked him to think about his responses and if he could have responded in a different way. And he thought about it and he said that maybe he could have responded in a different way. And he thought about it and he said that maybe he could not have yelled at her, you know, and I said, well, that's a start, right.

Speaker 1: 4:36

And I explained to Jason about mindful communication, you know, really listening and having empathy and reflective listening and that kind of thing, and he was starting to get it. Yet he asked me if I could give him some examples. So I decided to use the examples he gave me and the first was around the whole taking out the trash thing and instead of him saying, you know, I'll get to it later, stop bugging me about it. He could have said something like you know, I hear you, janice, and I understand how frustrating it can be when I don't do it. You know, I hear you, janice, and I understand how frustrating it can be when I don't do it right away, I'll take care of it. Well, when Jason heard that, he squirmed a little bit and said that it made him sound like a pussy, and after he gave it some thought, he got it.

Speaker 1: 5:24

So then the next thing was about him running late, and instead of you know, oh, I'm hurrying, I'm doing the best I can, you don't have to keep nagging me he could have said you know, I can see that being on time is really important to you and I apologize for running late. I realize I need to work on managing my time better, and I'll do my best next time, and I really would appreciate it, though, if you could talk to me in a more respectful way. And Jason was like damn, yeah, you're right. And he really liked the last part about the way she spoke to him, and he was really starting to get the idea by now. And when I asked him about how he could have responded to Janice around being on the phone, when I asked him about how he could have responded to Janice around being on the phone, he said that he could have said you know, I hear you, janice, and I'm sorry you feel that way. You're right. I'll put my phone away so we can have some quality time together and I was impressed, you know, and he was too. He was like did I just say that?

Speaker 1: 6:32

So we continued to work on his communication style, having empathy and all that, and in a relatively short period of time, jason felt more and more confident in using his skills with Janice, and I actually had a few sessions with the two of them so they could practice their skills together and then I could be there to help them when they needed it. Well, janice was so grateful, saying that she hated to be a nag and, with Jason using his skills, how much closer she felt to him. She said she finally felt seen and heard. And Jason was grateful too, saying that he felt closer to Janice and that she wasn't nagging anymore and, when they got in a jam, that they were able to work it out, and that's a beautiful thing.

Speaker 1: 7:19

So here, in the case of Jason and Janice, it was more about how Janice was expressing her needs, you know, and that Jason responded with resentment and a lack of empathy as a result, and what Janice's nagging was really about was getting her needs met, and Jason didn't hear it that way and he would get all reactive and defensive. So, understanding, you know the importance of effective communication. Jason started showing empathy you know, being vulnerable, letting go of his ego to really take in janice's feedback. And the key was in jason's ability to own his own shit and admit when he was wrong and that he called janice out on her shit and he did it in a respectful way, all right.

Speaker 1: 8:11

So I want to give you some tips on how to help you if you're experiencing your spouse or partner as nagging. I'll say right off the bat, instead of reacting or getting defensive when she nags, try to get an understanding of what's behind the nagging, which is usually, you know, the unmet needs or maybe there's an underlying issue in the relationship. Showing empathy and really listening can help in figuring it out. When you show that you are sincerely interested in resolving the issue, you'll probably reduce the amount of nagging you get. It's all about her being seen and heard, all right, and make sure you take care of yourself.

Speaker 1: 9:02

You know the nagging can just be a simple request, but if she's nagging you in a way that's kind of disrespectful or just a bad tone, speak up when your spouse or partner is nagging and set boundaries if the nagging becomes too much or if it's too intense or unproductive and when you do address it, do it in a respectful way. So instead of saying you're always nagging me, you could say coming from yourself. You know I feel overwhelmed when I hear you asking me repeatedly. And make sure you ask her what she needs in a calm and respectful way, because you both deserve that. You know there's no need to get into a shouting match around it. Also, try not to take the nagging personally and I know that can be really hard, you know, and yeah, I mean.

Speaker 1: 9:49

Instead of viewing the nagging as a personal attack, see it as an opportunity to talk about what's going on in the relationship and work together to try and resolve it and try to figure out when and how to address the issues and do it in a productive way, rather than nagging all the time. Collaborating can go a long way. Nagging just creates that disconnect. And to go along with not taking it personally, try to focus on the solution rather than keep focusing on what's wrong. You know focusing on the problem could go on and on and on on what's wrong. You know focusing on the problem could go on and on and on and you get nowhere. Focus on the solution.

Speaker 1: 10:38

Another thing is to be accountable and take responsibility, and that's one thing that I really appreciated about Jason is that he did take responsibility and that was huge, especially as a man. There's a lot of strength and integrity when you can admit you're wrong and take responsibility. And when you're navigating nagging in your relationship and you see she is trying to communicate better, let her know and appreciate her for it. And that doesn't mean you say, babe, I appreciate that you didn't nag me that time. No, it's more, like you know, I appreciate the way you asked me to take out the trash and I can see you're making an effort and that means a lot to me or something like that. And, as always, if you're really struggling with nagging in your relationship and you can't resolve it between the two of you, then please reach out for help.

Speaker 1: 11:28

So the bottom line here in navigating nagging in relationship is to do it through effective communications, with empathy, with patience, grace and have an open mind. Yeah, it's letting go of your ego to try to understand and address the underlying issues in your relationship, not take it personally. You're talking about your relationship here and when you focus on solutions, setting boundaries and having open and respectful communications, you can navigate nagging in a way that can actually strengthen your relationship for the long run, and that's what it's all about. I'm going to conclude with this quote from family therapist and author, terry Real. He says quote when nagging enters the conversation, it's a signal that connection is needed, not control. Approach the issue as partners, not adversaries. Unquote.

Speaker 1: 12:30

And on that note I will wrap up this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast the Navigating the Nag how to handle nagging in relationship. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you so much for listening. Now you'll definitely want to join me for the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast. It's a bonus episode where you'll hear my conversation with Adam, a lifelong risk taker and extreme sports competitor.

Speaker 1: 13:00

He's also the author of the book Seek the Risk One Man's Journey into Non-Monogamy, and I'm going to tell you straight up that it's probably not about what you think. It's really an amazing story of courage, strength, self-reflection, vulnerability and a lesson about the importance of taking risks in relationship and in life to learn and grow, to be the best version of yourself and live the life you love. Please join me for Seeking the Risk Adam's Journey into Non-Monogamy episode.

Speaker 1: 13:35

And if you have a topic or issue in your relationship you would like me to address on this podcast, please tell me about it. Just go to my website, menonthepathtolovecom. You can reach me there and that's where you can also sign up for a free coaching session with me and get my free cheat sheet Five Ways to Communicate Better in Relationship. Once again, it's at menonthepathtolovecom, and if you want to spread more love in the world, then please share the link to this podcast and share the love, and until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.