Does Size Matter in Relationship?*

Does size really matter? I get to the bottom of this age-old question. Yes, I will touch on the often-taboo topic of penis size, and the size of other things that actually matter in relationship. I'll let you in on what the research says, and I'll share my story on the impact my size had on my life growing up. Check out the Does Size Matter in Relationship, episode.

*Some sexual content and language

Chapters

• 0:11 Size and Relationship Dynamics
• 9:33 The Impact of Size in Relationships
• 15:50 From Abuse to True Love

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:11

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Does Size Matter in Relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach them how to do it and how to be the best version of himself for himself and for his current or future relationship and to live the life he loves. So does size matter? Well, it's a question that's been around a long time. I can tell you that and, as someone who's been small in stature, it's a question I used to be quite sensitive to, frankly. I say used to, because I had to come to accept that I am who I am and it is what it is. Accept that I am who I am and it is what it is. And how I came to terms with it was realizing that it was my mindset that was keeping me small. Now for clarity I'm not talking about penis size here. I'll get to that in a minute. I'm just talking about my overall stature, okay?

Bill Simpson: 1:22

So growing up I never really thought of myself as small. You know, I played sports and I could hang and compete with the best and biggest of them. You know I got into my share of fights. You know I never thought about size, I just did what I had to do to defend myself and I won some and lost some. And it wasn't until in high school that it hit me literally. I was a freshman and we were scrimmaging the varsity squad and I was a running. I was a running back and I got the ball and there was this huge hole and I went for it and man, the next thing, I know it felt like I ran into a brick wall and the linebacker stood there just laughing at me and he was like over six foot tall and probably weighed over 200 pounds, and I was like 5'10 and weighed maybe 135. And man, I was on the ground, you know, with the birds tweaking all around my head and everything. I didn't know what hit me. And after that it dawned on me that, you know, this is probably not a good idea for me. You know, everyone seemed to have gotten bigger except me, and I realized then that size mattered in football, so I opted for track and tennis the remainder of high school.

Bill Simpson: 2:43

And one thing that had impact on me in regards to size was when I was a teenager parking cars one summer at a local fair in my hometown, some of the people driving in weren't paying attention to my parking directions and my older brother was working there with me and I was like, hey, why aren't these people paying attention to me? And I remember my brother saying maybe it's because of your stature. And that stuck with me and stayed in the back of my head for the longest and it took me back to when I don't know. I guess I must have said something about my size to my stepmother, who I love dearly. She told me this parable and I think it was about an elf or something. Anyway, all I could remember was the moral of the story, which was I am as big for me, said he, as you are big for you. That always helped me to put my size into perspective. I came to the realization that there were some things I could do that bigger people couldn't do. So it was all good.

Bill Simpson: 3:45

Now, to be clear, my size never got in the way of my career, my social status or relationships. I was a very successful radio personality for over 20 years. I had no problems making friends and my size never came up as an issue in relationship. You know, no complaints in the size department, if you know what I'm saying. And even though I didn't let size deter me from doing my thing in life, there was always the thought in the back of my head about what my brother said about my stature. And anytime I felt someone wasn't taking me seriously, I heard my brother's voice saying maybe it's your stature. I heard my brother's voice saying maybe it's your stature that would bring me back to feeling small. And it wasn't until years later, after some therapy and taking a workshop on body image and self-awareness, that all that stuff I was telling myself about my stature was really bullshit. You know, it was in my head and I realized it wasn't the outside world that was telling me about my stature, it was what I was telling myself. I had to let go of that old story you know what my brother said, and all that, and come into full acceptance of my size, love myself in spite of it and carry myself with confidence in the man that I am today. And, frankly, it's still a work in progress.

Bill Simpson: 5:11

So, going back to does size matter, you know? Does size matter in relationship? Well, it can, and it really depends on how you look at it, right? Well, I've done some research on size in relationship and I'm going to address the penis size thing and I'm going to talk about the size of some other things as well. So let's start with penis size.

Bill Simpson: 5:36

Okay, get that out of the way. And, man, you know it's amazing how much a lot of men think about this and you know it's amazing how much a lot of men think about this. And for those men who watch porn, it can make any man think that he's undersized because of the penises in porn are so disproportionate to the average guy. Right, and most of the women I've talked to said that they would be terrified if a guy was that hung. And to think that you're less than a man because you're not hung like that is such bullshit. Look, man, your masculinity is not determined by the size of your penis Period.

Bill Simpson: 6:17

Now, I'm not going to lie. Penis size may matter to some folks in a sexual relationship, but when it comes to a committed relationship, the research is overwhelmingly clear that emotional connection, emotional intelligence, communication and shared goals and dreams are way more important than penis size for the long term of the relationship. And if penis size is an issue and you have all the other elements I mentioned, then you'll figure out a way to make it work. There's more than one way to skin a cat. So how else can size come into play in relationship, you may be wondering.

Bill Simpson: 6:59

Well, I was wondering about it and decided to go deeper into size in relationship. I'll begin with what I started the show with, and that is physical size and body image. You know the physical size, such as body weight and height. Body image, you know good looks. All that can matter, of course, in terms of attraction in the relationship and also the dynamics in a relationship. But to what degree it matters depends on the individual. The research says that although physical attraction and body image may be more important at first, but for long-term relationship satisfaction, it's the emotional connection and shared values and dreams that matter most. You know, issues with body image, whether for yourself or your spouse or partner, can lead to insecurity or feeling jealous or having self-esteem or self-confidence issues. And on the other side, being body positive and having body acceptance, no matter what, can lead to a deeper connection and overall comfort in the relationship.

Bill Simpson: 8:12

What about the size of your bank account? You know financial size Well. Studies on the role of finances in relationship shows that when one partner is making much more than the other, it can cause stress and conflict. You know there can be this power conflict in terms of making the financial decisions, as well as feeling independent and feeling respected. And couples who communicate openly about finances and have shared financial goals are more likely to be satisfied. So financial size can matter.

Bill Simpson: 8:50

How about the size of your family or the size of your social network? Well, both of those can matter. You know there's research that says partners who have strong and supportive social networks, you know, families and friends who provide pragmatic and emotional support tend to have more successful relationships. Whereas overbearing families and friends and I'm sure you know what I mean about that especially if they have different values or having problems setting boundaries, they can drive a wedge in your relationship, causing stress and tension. Too much family and social network.

Bill Simpson: 9:33

Do you think the size of your home or living space matters? Well, research certainly suggests it could. If your living space is too small or overcrowded or uncomfortable. Space is too small or overcrowded or uncomfortable, it can lead to stress and conflict. The flip side of that is more spacious and well-organized homes and living spaces tend to be more relaxing, right and have more positive interactions with their spouse or partner as a result.

Bill Simpson: 10:05

Personality size is another one to think about. It could matter. Yeah, the research is pretty clear that personality traits like assertiveness or dominance can influence relationship dynamics. It's been my experience with couples who are both assertive or both passive tend to work when one partner is more assertive or dominant than the other. The imbalance can really go both ways. It could be harmonious or a disconnect, depending on how well the couple communicates and resolves conflict right. And this leads me to think about the size or the degree to which you communicate most definitely matters. Yeah, I talk about it all the time and it's pretty obvious, I think, and the research backs it up, saying that how often couples talk and the quality or depth of their conversations are really essential in maintaining a strong emotional connection. And when couples talk often and openly about what's going on in their lives, you know, sharing their thoughts and their feelings or any concerns they have these couples tend to have a stronger connection and show more resilience, whereas couples that don't talk openly or don't talk very often tend to have more misunderstandings, conflict, arguments and emotional disconnection.

Bill Simpson: 11:32

And in thinking about emotional connection, how about the size or depth of your emotional capacity? That matters big time. Yeah, what I'm talking about here is how well does your spouse or partner manage, express and respond to emotions in your relationship? Well, there are studies that show that being emotionally available, or having the ability to be vulnerable and empathetic and connect on an emotional level, is far more important to a relationship satisfaction than, say, you know what I mentioned earlier about how they look or their you know their physical appearance. The more emotional capacity a couple has, usually the healthier the relationship is. You know they tend to resolve conflicts better and have a deeper level of intimacy. And when there's little to none emotional availability, there's the tendency to decrease satisfaction in the relationship and ultimately drift apart, which is like a death sentence for the long term of the relationship. And another way that size matters, which sounds kind of awkward to say it is the size or amount of time you spend together. Yeah, research shows that couples who prioritize quality time together are more likely to have a higher relationship satisfaction. Makes sense, right. And the other side of that is, with couples who don't spend much time together especially, you know, with their busy schedules or just life getting in the way can lead to emotional distance and drifting apart, and again not good for the long term of the relationship. So the size of shared time matters and is a big factor in connecting emotionally. Balancing time together is key to maintaining a healthy relationship for the long run.

Bill Simpson: 13:35

And one more thing I'll mention here is that the size of your goals and dreams matter. I mentioned that earlier. Research says that couples who have similar goals and dreams, or that their goals and dreams complement each other, they're more likely to stay together and be happy. I know that's big for my wife and me and we're definitely on the same page. Yeah, because when couples have different goals and dreams, it can cause conflict in the relationship. You know, like if one partner wants kids and the other doesn't, or maybe they have different career paths that aren't in alignment, you know, it may be hard to find common ground, which can lead to being frustrated or resentful and whatnot.

Bill Simpson: 14:24

So there you have it. I guess size does matter after all, huh, or it can anyway, and I'm going to go back Even though penis size might be important for some in terms of sexual satisfaction. Once again, it's very clear from the research that other size issues, like emotional capacity, communication and those shared goals and dreams I mentioned all that matters and are much more important when it comes to relationship satisfaction. They all can lead to a deeper connection, a sense of happiness and really a better chance at going for the long term of the relationship and living the life you love, right.

Bill Simpson: 15:10

Well, when it comes to whether size matters in relationship, pastor and motivational speaker TD Jakes sums it up nicely. He says the heart is not measured in size but by the depth of the commitment to love. Can I get an amen, and that will do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Does Size Matter in Relationship episode? I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I thank you for listening. Coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast it's a bonus episode.

Bill Simpson: 15:50

You'll hear my conversation with Walt Blau. He is the host of the podcast Be Raw. He reached out to me and wanted to share his story of how he had been in this tumultuous relationship that was abusive and he didn't even know it, and once he realized it and moved on, he found an amazing relationship with his current wife for over 12 years. He shares a secret ingredient to what helps keep his relationship stay strong. Please join me for Walt's Story from abuse to finding true love on the next Men on the Path to Love podcast,

Bill Simpson: 16:27

And if you have a story or issue in your relationship you'd like for me to address, please reach out and let me know about it. You can text me directly from my podcast page where it says fan mail, and if you want me to respond to you directly, you can also reach me through my website, menonthepathtolovecom. You can set up a free coaching call there and you can download my free cheat sheet Five Ways to Communicate Better in Relationship. Just go to menonthepathtolovecom.

Bill Simpson: 17:01

And what do say s say e work on spreading more love in this world. Well, you can start by sharing this podcast link and share the love and until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.