Big Boys Should Cry: The Proven Benefits of Crying

Growing up I was taught that big boys don't cry. It's how most men were conditioned and how some still are today. If you are of this mindset, check out this episode where you will hear Kyle's story and how he changed his mindset about crying.  I share what the research says about the physiological and emotional benefits of crying.  You just might come to the conclusion that big boys should cry.

Chapters

• 0:11 Benefits of Crying for Men
• 9:31 The Healing Power of Crying
• 15:25 Navigating in-Law Relationships

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:11

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast. The big boys should cry the proven benefits of crying episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop their suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach them how to do it and how to be the best version of himself for himself and for his current or future relationship, and to live the life he loves.

Speaker 1: 0:44

Well, guys, if you're anything like me, you probably were brought up with the idea that big boys don't cry. Yeah, I mean, men have traditionally been conditioned to believe this. Right, I certainly heard it growing up, one of those lies they tell us as boys, and I was kind of a sensitive kid growing up and I would cry sometimes. Yet I preferred to shed my tears in private. I felt ashamed when I cried in front of others. You know, because of that whole big boys don't cry thing, I remember when I was 13, my mother died of a heart attack and I didn't cry. She had left about five years prior and I never saw her during that time. So really it was like no big deal. You know, she was gone. She was gone, and it wasn't until many, many years later, after going to therapy, that I was able to cry about it. I had actually done cry therapy workshops where the sole purpose was to cry. It had an enormous impact on my personal growth and who I am today. And folks, there's a biological reason that we have tears and cry. Yeah, the bottom line it's to make us feel better. How about that?

Speaker 1: 2:08

Well, I'll get into the research and science as to the benefits of crying in a little bit, but first I want to share Kyle's story. Kyle not his real name, of course was a patient of mine at the health clinic where I work. He had been referred to me by his PCP for some mind-body support for his high blood pressure and anxiety. In talking with Kyle, I found out that he had experienced an extreme amount of loss growing up and as an adult. His father went to prison when he was three years old. He lost his younger brother to gun violence when he was 15. His mother was rarely home. She'd be hanging out in the bars and the streets, he told me, and as the oldest of six kids, he felt that the responsibility of taking care of the family was on him, and when he talked about his past with me. He was so matter-of-fact and nonchalant about it and when I pressed him on it, you know as to why it didn't seem to bother him. He basically said you know, it is what it is and that was the past and you know that was it. And I asked him if he had actually mourned the losses that he experienced and he said that he didn't have time for all that. You know, with him feeling responsible for his family, and he felt like he had to stay strong in his words.

Speaker 1: 3:35

Fast forward now to when he started seeing me. He had a wife and two kids. He was the caretaker for his mother who was in ill health and he was working two jobs to make ends meet. And when I asked him about what he was doing for himself, again he was saying that he didn't have time for all that. You know, with all that responsibility on him, I came out and asked Kyle if it made sense to him that, with all that he had been through growing up and the amount of responsibility he put on himself then and now that he might feel anxiety, he played it down and was like you know, I guess so.

Speaker 1: 4:18

And then I asked him to imagine if his best friend or somebody he cared about had been through and was going through the same thing he had gone through and was going through how would he see it? And he paused and was like, yeah, you know, I guess that's a lot. So he got it and so I started coaching Kyle, first and foremost on self-compassion, and we did some mindfulness work and after some time had gone by, I asked him you know when was the last time he cried? Some time had gone by. I asked him you know when was the last time he cried? And he said that he couldn't remember ever crying. And I asked him if he cried after his brother was killed and he said no, that he got very angry but that he didn't cry.

Speaker 1: 5:05

I explained to Kyle how healing crying can be and that it could actually help him with his anxiety. I shared how it had helped me and continues to help me. Well, he was like good luck trying to make me cry, you know, and I knew that just trying to make Kyle cry wasn't the answer no, so we just kept working on ways to try to bring his blood pressure down and reduce his anxiety and he was slowly making progress. And one session I offered to do an energy session with him. I do what's called integrated energy therapy, which in a nutshell it's kind of like Reiki, if you've heard of that. It just helps to release emotional issues that can get stuck right.

Speaker 1: 5:55

And well, kyle was pretty apprehensive at first, and when I explained the subtle nature of the process and how it could possibly benefit him and that all he had to do really was just lie on my massage table and I would do the work, he was open to give it a try. Well, about halfway through the session I noticed Kyle's breathing was getting faster and I just observed. Then suddenly I saw tears starting to trickle down his cheek and, man, he started to boo-hoo cry. I mean like snot cry, and I have to tell you it was like music to my ears. I just stayed present with him as his crying eventually came to an end and after he got off the massage table, we talked about it and Kyle joked about me finally getting him to cry.

Speaker 1: 6:49

And when I asked him how he felt, he said that he felt good. You know that the weight on his shoulders had lifted. He said he felt lighter. He said he felt very calm and relaxed and he was like dang man, I need to do this more often and over time, as we continued to work together, he did cry more often. He saw the benefits in letting himself feel and cry and, yes, his blood pressure started to go down and he felt a lot less anxious and he could deal with his anxiety in a much better way. In a much better way. So, yeah, crying can be a really good thing, understanding that it is a natural and healthy way for the body and mind to deal with stress, to manage emotions and your physical health, and it doesn't matter if there are tears of sadness, happiness or even anger. Crying helps to regulate our overall well-being.

Speaker 1: 7:57

So I'm going to get into the research now as to how crying can benefit you emotionally and on a physiological level. Let's start with the emotional benefits. One is stress release and emotional release. Like in the case of Kyle right and most folks, frankly, they report feeling a sense of emotional relief and they feel less stressed or weighed down by negative emotions after they have a cry. After they have a cry, crying can help balance your emotions too, and part of it, it helps to keep you from suppressing your feelings. You know, when we do that, that can cause anxiety and depression and all kinds of things With crying. It can help you, after you've cried, to process the complex feelings that can come up, and do it in a healthy way, which can lead to more consistent emotional stability. Crying can improve your mood. Most people's mood improves after a good cry I know my mood shifts for sure. Crying can actually encourage social support. Think about it when other people see you crying, they're more likely to reach out and support you right, and getting that support from others is really important for our mental health and overall well-being. So now let's get into the physiological benefits of crying.

Speaker 1: 9:31

Crying helps to release the body's natural calming and pain-relieving chemicals. They're called endorphins and these endorphins can promote a sense of physical and emotional well-being. And crying can help release the toxins in the body that don't serve us. It's kind of a natural detox to get some of the stress chemicals that can build up in the body. You know tears that come from emotional crying, which is different from like reflex tears right. Emotional tears have the stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline and other toxins, and crying helps to flush these stress hormones out of the body, which helps to reduce stress. And once those hormones are flushed out, it can help you get back to a sense of normalcy, you know, emotional balance.

Speaker 1: 10:27

Now, another physiological benefit to crying is that it activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which controls, like, our rest and our digestion. So it's activated by crying. It helps with relaxation, you know, by slowing down the heart rate, and it allows the body to be in a more restful state. And with that, the research shows that crying can actually help you sleep better, especially with that emotional crying. And having a good cry after a really long and taxing day can actually help you sleep better and deeper. And with slowing down the heart rate from the parasympathetic nervous system, crying can be good to help you with reducing that high blood pressure, like with Kyle. Yeah, studies show that participants in the study reported that after a good cry their blood pressure went down, and especially if they were in an environment where they felt safe and supported. And one more biological or physiological function of crying and tears is to lubricate and protect the eyes. Yeah, crying keeps the eyes clean and hydrated and healthy, which helps you to see better and can keep dust and allergens from irritating or damaging your eyes. How about that? So I hope, after hearing all this research, why crying is a good thing that you may be adopting a new mindset that big boys should cry. Man, it's a beautiful and natural thing.

Speaker 1: 12:11

I give myself permission to cry. I even have a playlist of like 10 songs that really make me sad and sometimes, when I feel the need to cry to just get it out of me, I put on the playlist and usually by I don't know song three or four, the tears start to fall and, fellas, I feel so much better afterwards. I'm telling you so I encourage you to give it a try if you're feeling the need to cry. And some of my clients and folks I know say they'll watch a sad movie or read a sad book on purpose just to get that cry out. So find a tool that works for you, for you to use to deliberately get that cry out so you can feel better. And I know some people hate to cry and I get it and I can't say that I love to cry. It's just. I know that if I do, I'll feel better.

Speaker 1: 13:10

So giving yourself permission to cry without any shame or any stigma attached to it, it'll make you feel better. Trust me and those of you who say, man, if I start crying, I'll never stop. Well, I'm here to tell you you will stop. The body knows when it's time to stop and you will Trust it. And trust that after a good full cry man, you will feel better.

Speaker 1: 13:40

And I have to say, if you're feeling like weepy all day, or crying on a daily basis, or several times throughout your day, maybe without knowing why per se, well, you may be experiencing clinical depression, and that's a whole new ballgame and I encourage you to seek help. Now, this doesn't include if you're in, like the first year, of grieving the loss of someone. No, that's different and is usually a temporary type of depression. I'm not talking about that. So, all in all, crying is a good thing for all the reasons I've mentioned. So let go of your ego, let go of your old mindset that big boys don't cry, man. Let the tears flow and know it's all good.

Speaker 1: 14:33

I'm going to close this episode with a quote about crying from author Washington Irving. He says, quote there is a sacredness in tears. They're not a mark of weakness but of power. Yes, sir, and that will do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast. The big boys should cry. The proven benefits of crying. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you for listening.

Speaker 1: 15:13

Coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast do your in-laws or partner's parents meddle in your relationship? Well, if so, you will definitely want to check out the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast when you'll hear Kyle's story of how his in-laws made it unbearable and what he did about it. Please join me for In-Laws or Out-Laws how to protect your relationship from your in-laws episode.

Speaker 1: 15:42

Now, if you have an idea or topic for the show something you may be going through in your relationship please reach out to me. You can text me from my show page or you can email me from my website at menonthepathtolovecom. If you would like to talk with me or have a free coaching session with me, you can schedule one at my website. You can also download my free cheat sheet Five Ways to Communicate Better in Relationship. It's all at menonthepathtolovecom and listen. If you got something out of listening to this podcast, I ask you humbly to please pay it forward and share the link to this podcast and share the love and until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.