In-Laws or Outlaws: How to Protect Your Relationship from Your In-Laws

In this episode, you'll hear Leon's story and how his in-law's meddling caused major suffering in his marriage with his wife Leah, and what he did about it.  Find out what you can do to protect your relationship from your in-laws, family or anyone meddling in your relationship or marriage.

Chapters

• 0:19 Navigating in-Law Relationships in Marriage
• 8:33 Navigating in-Law Interference in Marriage

Transcript

Bill Simpson : 0:19

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the in-laws or outlaws how to protect your relationship from your in-laws episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach him how to do it and how to be the best version of himself for himself and for his current or future relationship and to live the life he loves.

Bill Simpson : 0:52

I'm going to start off by saying that, even though I've gone through three divorces, I always got along with my in-laws and they never meddled in my marriages, and I consider myself lucky with that. I say that because of the many clients I've had who've shared horror stories of how their in-laws were way too involved in their relationship and it caused serious problems. I've also had clients who are in-laws and I would hear them talk about how involved they were with their kids' relationships and I'd have to coach them on leaving them alone, you know, and staying out of their business, and it wasn't easy, let me tell you.

Bill Simpson : 1:31

You know, some parents can be overbearing when it comes to their kids and unfortunately, that can continue as they grow up and get into relationships or marriage and as a parent myself, I get it. You know I want to protect my kids, even when they're grown, you know. Protect them so they don't get hurt or make mistakes. It's kind of natural for a parent, right, and it can be really hard to resist getting involved. But my rule is I don't get involved if they don't ask, and even then I limit my involvement. You see, they have to experience life's ups and downs, just like we did. You know, to learn and grow from those experiences. And as parents it's hard to witness our kids struggle. Or maybe we see something in the person they're with that they don't. Yet they have to see it for themselves for it to have any real, significant impact. You know, the harder you push, the more likely they are to resist.

Bill Simpson : 2:33

I remember as a kid seeing how much my grandparents on my mother's side meddled in my parents' relationship, especially my grandmother. They didn't approve of my father as a choice for my mother to marry and I know it caused stress on the marriage. It may have been one of the reasons why my parents got divorced, I don't know. But I do know that it negatively impacted the relationship and if I could pick up on that dynamic as a kid. I know it must have been hard for them, right? Well, fast forward to when I was getting married. My father didn't approve of my choice to marry interracially and he threatened to cut me out of his will if I did so. Well, I married her anyway, and even though we eventually got divorced, it wasn't for the reason my father objected. So for me, it wasn't my in-laws, it was my own father. Now, with Leon, it was his in-laws.

Bill Simpson : 3:32

Leon and Leah not their real names had been married for about three years and Leah's parents had never truly accepted Leon. From the very beginning, they believed that their daughter, you know, with her master's degree in social work and her nature to succeed at whatever she did, they thought she deserved a partner with a similar or higher educational background, someone like a doctor, a lawyer or an academic. Leon, however, had only completed two years of undergrad before becoming very successful at selling cars, specifically Mercedes-Benz. And even with his financial stability and how much he loved Leia, her parents saw him as less than you know and unworthy. Leia's parents were, on the surface, polite to Leon, but their microaggressions undermined him. Their disapproval wasn't about love, it was about status and education, all that ego stuff.

Bill Simpson : 4:36

Well, over time, their interference and meddling began to put a strain on Leon and Leah's marriage. They and when I say they, mostly her mom would make comments about Leon's job you know, downplaying his success as a car salesman. About Leon's job you know, downplaying his success as a car salesman. At family gatherings, her mom would say stuff like how much better life could be if Leah were married to someone with a more prestigious profession. They would ask Leon things like when are you going back to school, or have you ever thought about doing something more meaningful with your career, or have you ever thought about doing something more meaningful with your career? And at first Leah would just brush off their comments as harmless, you know. Yet Leon felt totally disrespected. He was proud of the career he had built, but Leah's parents constantly putting him down left him feeling less than or inadequate.

Bill Simpson : 5:34

Another thing that Leia's dad did was to offer financial help, but he did it in a controlling way, you know like. When Leia mentioned that they were saving for a house, leia's dad offered to put a large down payment on the house, but only if the house was closer to their home and if Le Leah was on the deed, not Leon. Well, this really pissed off Leon, and he was feeling like an outsider in his own marriage. And Leah would always try to keep peace with her parents. She wanted to accept their help but Leon flat out refused. He said no way. He didn't want their financial support if it meant sacrificing their independence as a couple. And this created tension in the marriage, as you can imagine, as Leah tried to balance her loyalty to her husband and to her parents.

Bill Simpson : 6:27

Well, the last straw came when Leah's mother introduced her to an old family friend, a lawyer. It was at a family event and she made a big deal of how perfect he was right. She went on about his success and made sure to mention that he had been single for a while a subtle suggestion that he was a better match for Leia than Leon. And Leon was standing close enough to hear all this and he confronted Leia's mom with some choice words and he stormed out of the gathering. Leia tried to defuse the situation, but it was too late. The damage was already done. Leon felt humiliated and was really hurt by her mother, thinking that Leia could do better. Well, it got to the point where Leon was about to throw in the towel and ask for a divorce.

Bill Simpson : 7:21

Now they ended up having a heart-to-heart talk and Leia finally understood how her parents' behavior was not just hurting Leon, but it was damaging their marriage, and she did see her part in it. You know that she wasn't setting strong enough boundaries with her parents and that she was trying to please everybody and she was getting pretty stressed out about it as well and she made it clear to Leon that her loyalty needed to be first and foremost to him. After hearing this, leon felt better and suggested that they go to counseling to try to figure out how to deal with her parents, and Leia agreed. During counseling, leon drew the line in the sand and told Leia that for him to stay in the marriage, that she had to stand up to her parents, letting them know that their behavior was hurting their relationship and that they needed to respect Leon as her husband. And, as scary and as hard as it was, leah did great. She explained to her parents that she needed them to accept and respect Leon as her husband, that he was her choice and if they wanted to be a part of their life, they had to accept him. And if they wanted to be a part of their life, they had to accept him.

Bill Simpson : 8:33

Well, leah's parents were hurt at first and they kept some distance. They were a little cold, but Leon and Leah made a unified front. They didn't let their parents' reaction stand in their way and, as a result, leon felt more secure in his role as Leah's husband and Leah felt more empowered to keep their relationship safe from her parents meddling. And with this their relationship grew much stronger, deepening their emotional connection and trust. They actually set new boundaries with both sets of parents, making sure that their marriage came first. In the end, even though Leah's relationship with her parents became more distant, she and Leon found a better sense of peace and balance in their marriage. They grew stronger as a couple. They learned that the key to a lasting relationship was for them to stand together no matter what outside challenges may come up. To stand together no matter what outside challenges may come up. So, as with Leon and Leia's story, they showed that it's possible to overcome in-laws who meddle.

Bill Simpson : 9:42

The bottom line here is that in managing in-law meddling, there has to be open and clear communication. You've got to set strong boundaries and have mutual respect within the marriage. The research is clear Couples who collaborate and work together to maintain a united front against any outside challenges are likely to have a strong and long-lasting relationship. Challenges are likely to have a strong and long-lasting relationship. So, with that said, let's look at some ways in which in-laws can negatively interfere in relationship and what you can do about it. I'll start with overstepping boundaries. Now, this could look like giving you unsolicited advice, showing up unannounced, involving themselves with financial decisions, parenting or even how you run your household, and if this is the case, it's essential to set clear boundaries from the get-go. You and your spouse or partner have to be on the same page and agree on what the meddling is you know, and how to bring it up, and, once you do, from that unified front, let the in-laws know, in a polite and firm way, what the boundaries are.

Bill Simpson : 10:55

Another way I've seen in-laws meddle is through constant criticism. This could be criticizing one spouse or partner's lifestyle. You know how they parent or make decisions, and this constant criticism can create tension in the relationship and make one or both feel like they're inadequate. Now to address constant criticism, you as a couple should address it with the in-laws right and, even though you might want to lash out or be critical of them as well, you know, get defensive and fight back. You want to address it in a calm, respectful and firm way, right? That's where you're going to get the best results. The spouse whose parent is doing the criticizing should take the lead in the conversation. You could start with something like you know, I really appreciate your input and then explain to them what you need and that you need them to respect you both as a team. Remember unified front.

Bill Simpson : 11:55

Another example I see a lot when in-laws meddle is when they play favorites. You know, when an in-law favors one spouse or partner over the other, and let me tell you, man, this is crazy making yeah, and it can really mess up and cause division in the marriage and, you can imagine, leading to a lot of resentment as well. Now, this can be pretty tricky to navigate and, again, it's important to maintain a unified front. You want to check in with your spouse or partner, talk about how the favoritism is impacting the relationship and then work together on a strategy to deal with it. Then you go to the in-laws again from a place of solidarity, unity, you know, and express clearly and in a respectful way what you need from them.

Bill Simpson : 12:48

Another one I've seen is where in-laws compete for time and attention you know, they may want to spend excessive time with your spouse or partner, making your spouse or partner feel like they have to choose between their parents or extended family and you. Well, here it's important to set time management boundaries with them, you know, let them know that, while you value time with them, that your marriage is a priority and it might be helpful to schedule regular visits with them, you know, and make sure there's plenty of time set aside for your relationship without them interfering. Very important and one more thing I'll touch on is when in-laws meddle or interfere with parenting decisions. Oh man, you know, I hear this a lot and, as grandparents, they may challenge or even ignore your rules about your kids, like dietary restrictions or how you discipline them, or the routines you've established. They may interfere about what schools you send your kids to, and so on, and in this situation, you should make sure that you both agree on how you want to raise your kids and once you're clear, then again, as a unified front, let your in-laws know and politely ask them to respect your parenting decisions.

Bill Simpson : 14:13

Okay, so hopefully now you have a better idea as to how to deal with in-laws or any family member, for that matter, anybody who meddles in your relationship. The big takeaway here is that you establish yourself as a unified, united front. It's so important, I can't stress it enough. Having a unified front is like having a bubble surrounding you that protects the sanctity of your marriage or relationship and that the two of you are stronger together and that togetherness is what will serve you in the long run, the long term of your relationship.

Bill Simpson : 14:53

I have a quote for you from relationship researcher and expert, john Gottman, who I've quoted a lot of times on this show. He says quote when you marry someone, you marry their family, but it's crucial to protect your marriage from being controlled or influenced by them. Unquote. So there you go, wise words from the expert. And that's going to do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast In-Laws or Out-Laws how to Protect your Relationship from your In-Laws episode my name to protect your relationship from your in-laws episode my name is Bill Simpson. Thank you for listening..

Bill Simpson : 15:32

Coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast. A couple of episodes back, I interviewed Walt Blau and he shared his story about how he was in an abusive relationship and didn't even know it. Well, it's been on my mind and it made me reflect on my own journey and, of course, the men I've seen who've shared similar stories. So I decided to do an episode on it. I'll share Melvin's story and how he didn't have a clue he was in an abusive relationship until I pointed out the signs. You'll hear what he did about it and I'll share the signs of. You'll hear what he did about it and I'll share the signs of abuse for you to look for in your relationship. Please join me for when Love Hurts Signs of Men being Abused in Relationship episode.

Bill Simpson : 16:19

And, as always, if you have a topic or idea for the show, please let me know about it. You can contact me from my show page or, better yet, visit my website, menonthepathtolovecom. You can contact me from there and you can sign up for a free coaching session. Just go to menonthepathtolovecom. And if you'd like to see more love in the world, like I do, then please help me with my love mission and share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.