When Love Hurts: Signs of Men Being Abused in Relationship

In this episode, I share the heart-wrenching story of my friend Melvin, who didn't know he was experiencing emotional abuse and gaslighting from his partner, Melissa. I'll share some of the not-so-obvious signs how men can be abused in relationship. You just might be surprised. Check out the When Love Hurts: Signs of Men Being Abused in Relationship, episode.  

National Domestic Violence Hotline
800-799-7233
Text BEGIN to 88788

Chapters

• 0:09 Men's Experience of Relationship Abuse
• 13:37 How to Stop Arguing in Relationships

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:09

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the when Love Hurts Signs of Men being Abused in Relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach him how to do it and how to be the best version of himself, for himself and for his current or future relationship, and to live the life he loves. A few episodes back I had a conversation with my guest, walt Blau, and he was saying how he had been in an abusive marriage and he didn't realize it. It wasn't until his sister-in-law pointed out how controlling his wife was that he finally got it that he was being abused.

Speaker 1: 1:03

And so often when we think of abuse in a relationship, we think of women being abused right. Well, from my own experience and working with men and along with the research man, you'd be surprised how many men suffer from abuse in relationship. Now, when I say abuse, I don't mean the obvious physical abuse. I think most men would recognize that as abuse right and, trust me, a lot of men have experienced physical abuse in their relationship. A survey conducted by the CDC found that one in seven men have experienced severe physical violence by their partner at some point in their lives. One in seven. What, now? What I'm going to talk about is the more subtle emotional abuse. Here's an interesting statistic from that same survey I mentioned from the CDC 48.8% of men have experienced some kind of psychological aggression by a partner in their lifetime. That's almost 50% man. That's almost 50% man. And there's research that says that psychological abuse, or emotional abuse, is as damaging as physical abuse. So I thought it would be a good idea to do an episode about men who are being abused in relationship, and I'll start by telling Melvin's story.

Speaker 1: 2:28

Melvin, not his real name, of course. He was a close friend of mine from my high school days. He was this easygoing guy, you know, he didn't take life too seriously. He was one of those guys who was always in a good mood, right, and it took a lot to bring him down. Well, when I caught up with him at one of our reunions, I noticed that he didn't seem like his old self. He had gained a lot of weight and he looked a little disheveled and I could tell he was trying to put on a happy face.

Speaker 1: 2:59

But I sensed that something wasn't right and I had a chance to have a private conversation with him and he told me that he had been in a committed relationship with a woman named Melissa not her real name and they had been together for about five years. He said that he really loved Melissa. Yet no matter what he did or how hard he tried, he said he couldn't do anything right. Nothing he did seemed to please her. And he said he felt so guilty and ashamed about it. And when I asked him why he felt guilty and ashamed, he said because just the other day Melissa told him how disappointed she was in him because he couldn't decide on what health plan to get during open enrollment at his job. He said she was like you know, I thought you're supposed to be the man of the house, but I make better decisions than you. And she went on to say no wonder you're not getting that promotion. You can't even handle something as simple as your benefits.

Speaker 1: 3:58

And when I heard that, I was like hmm, you know? And he told me that you know that they hadn't had sex in like six months. And I was like why not? And he said that every time he would try to talk about it, she would have all this attitude and put the blame on him, saying if you really loved me, you wouldn't upset me like this. I'm like what? And then he said he didn't blame her for being upset with him because his memory was going bad and that it was so frustrating for him and Melissa.

Speaker 1: 4:33

And at this point I was like, hmm, I was really getting concerned and I asked him to tell me more about this memory thing. He said that Melissa was always telling him how he keeps forgetting conversations they had had and he was like Bill, I think I'm going crazy. And I told him, I said, Melvin, man, you're not going crazy. And I asked him if I could give him some feedback as a friend and as a coach, and he agreed. I told him that I've had men in my coaching practice describe a lot of the type of things he was experiencing with Melissa and that it sounded like he was being emotionally abused, you know, being gaslighted and he was like what he's like? No man, it's me, it's me. And I told him, well, yeah, you have a part in this, but that it wasn't him.

Speaker 1: 5:25

And I explained to him about gaslighting and that it sounded like a classic case with Melissa. Well, as you can imagine, it was a hard pill for Melvin to swallow, but thank God he trusted me and he asked me what he should do and I advised him not to do anything but observe, you know, and maybe read up on gaslighting, or listen to my episode on gaslighting and that was season two, episode three, by the way and I suggested that he seek therapy and take it from there. Well, he did just that and his therapist concurred about the whole gaslighting thing. And, without getting into all the details, melvin eventually broke up with Melissa, as she wanted nothing to do with therapy and all the stuff he was doing. And I do speak with Melvin from time to time and he always jokes with me about how I saved his life and how grateful he is now that he met a woman that is truly there for him, and last I heard they were doing well.

Speaker 1: 6:37

So that's a typical scenario where a man was being emotionally and mentally abused and he didn't know it. And, again, it's more common than you might think. Now let's take a look at ways men can be abused in relationship, and I'll start with what I talked about in Melvin's story, and that is gaslighting, and gaslighting is probably one of the hardest forms of emotional abuse to spot unless you know what to look for. You know there's the obvious verbal abuse, right where the spouse or partner yells and calls him names, threatens him, criticizes him, humiliates him, throws insults at him and ultimately undermining his self-esteem. But with gaslighting it tends to be more subtle and can also be very damaging.

Speaker 1: 7:32

Damaging, and just to recap what gaslighting is, it's a type of manipulation where the abuser, in this case Melissa, makes the other person, melvin, question his reality, and often the abuser may deny they're being abused, right, they may ignore or minimize the guy's feelings or they might twist situations to make him doubt his perception of what's really going on. Like with Melvin and man. Melvin fell for it hook, line and sinker. And it wasn't so much that Melvin was gullible or naive, it was A he loved and trusted Melissa and B she took advantage of that love and trust and thank God Melvin got support because he could have gone in a whole other direction. And according to the research, this type of emotional abuse you know, gaslighting can be as damaging as physical abuse, as I said earlier, and it can lead to long-term mental health issues like anxiety, depression and low self-esteem in men.

Speaker 1: 8:36

Another form of abuse men may be subjected to is sexual abuse. Now there's the obvious, physical sexual abuse. You know the sexual coercion where they may be forced or manipulated into doing sex acts that they don't want to do. Well, the not so obvious is again the emotional piece, the emotional manipulation around sex. Right and I touched on that a little bit with Melvin's story where Melissa was withholding sex from him and this is a manipulative tactic to try to gain control or even punish the guy and, as a result, a guy may feel a lot of guilt or shame because he's not able to satisfy his spouse or partner's sexual needs, and Melvin even said that he felt guilty and ashamed.

Speaker 1: 9:25

Right Now here's a form of abuse that you might not be aware of, and that's financial abuse. Yeah, this could look like her having financial control, where he may not have full access to his money or he has to turn his money over to her and she may also run up a lot of debt in his name. She may also make financial decisions without of debt in his name. She may also make financial decisions without his consent and with financial abuse, he may feel trapped in the marriage or relationship and feel like he has to stay because he depends on her financially or he could be afraid to file for divorce because he may not get any money. It's all about control. and

Speaker 1: 10:12

And another controlling form of abuse is social isolation. This would be keeping him from seeing certain friends or even family members, so that he's isolated from getting any outside support. This is very common. She could make him feel guilty for spending time with others, or she could be overly critical of family and friends, which can cause isolation as well, causing him to back off seeing his friends and family to keep the peace and avoid conflict, and in the meantime he becomes more and more isolated as he gives in to her control. He becomes more and more isolated as he gives in to her control.

Speaker 1: 11:00

And the last form of abuse I'll mention, and one that really makes me mad, is using the kids to manipulate. You know it's threatening to keep the kids from him or saying lies about him in front of the kids, that kind of thing. And the research is clear here and common sense will tell you that this can be emotionally harmful to the parents and especially emotionally harmful to the kids. And I hate it when parents use their kids against each other. It's just so wrong. So all these types of abuse that I've mentioned, including physical abuse.

Speaker 1: 11:32

They may be experienced by some men differently than others. Some men may not even be aware of the lesser obvious forms of abuse. That's why I did this show. Or some men may feel less than a man. If they admit that they're being abused, they may feel they have to be quote-unquote strong, and admitting being abused may be seen as weak. You know, they may feel stigmatized if they report it or talk about it. Or they may not be believed if they report it right.

Speaker 1: 12:06

Well, I'm here to tell you, fellas, the first step to deal with abuse is to recognize and be aware that it's happening both the obvious and not so obvious. And the next step is getting the help you need. That shows strength and courage and is not a sign of weakness. It's for your own physical, emotional and mental well-being. And there are plenty of resources out here, like counseling and support groups. There's the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which is a great resource, and it's available for you 24-7. The number to that is 800-799-7233. Or you can text the word BEGIN to 88788. And I'll have those numbers in the show notes for you.

Speaker 1: 12:55

By the way, I'm going to close this episode with a quote from actor, producer and advocate for victims of abuse, tyler Perry. He says, quote real strength is not about physical power. It's about having the courage to stand up for your emotional well-being. And that's what it's all about. And on that note, I will bring this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast to a close. The when Love Hurts Signs of Men being Abused in Relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you for listening.

Speaker 1: 13:37

Coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast. Are you getting sick and tired of arguing in your relationship? Do you want to do something about it and stop it? Then join me for the how to stop arguing and start connecting in relationship episode. Now, if you have a topical concern you would like for me to address on this podcast, then please contact me and let me know. Just go to my website, menonthepathtolovecom. That's menonthepatht to lovecom. And if you've got something out of listening to this podcast, then I ask you to please share the link and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.