How to Stop Arguing and Start Connecting in Relationship

Arguments happen in relationships. It's just a part of being in a relationship. It's the extent the impact of arguing has on your relationship that matters. Would you like to argue less and connect more?  If so, this episode is for you. In this episode, you'll hear Nate's story and what he did about the seemingly endless arguments in his relationship. I'll also give you some tips on how you can stop the arguing and start connecting in your relationship, and live the life you love!

Chapters

• 0:04 Finding Connection and Ending Arguments
• 8:01 Effective Communication in Relationships

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:04

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the how to stop arguing and start connecting in relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach him how to do it and how to be the best version of himself, for himself and for his current or future relationship, and live the life he loves.

Bill Simpson: 0:37

I want to start off by saying that arguing and having disagreements is a natural part of being in a relationship. Okay, it happens. It's to the extent or the impact it has on the relationship that makes the difference. I remember one relationship I was in where we would get into an argument and it would last for hours and just as I thought we'd come to a resolution, I would say something that would bring it all back to square one and we'd have to start all over again. And man, let me tell you it was so damn frustrating and exhausting. Frankly, it had gotten to the point where the arguments were far outweighing the good stuff, right, and, needless to say, that relationship didn't last. And so that's what I mean about how much impact arguing has on the relationship, and who knows what would have happened if I knew then what I know now. And this brings me to my client. I'll call him Nate.

Bill Simpson: 1:41

Nate was in a similar kind of relationship where there was a lot of arguing. He and his partner, natalie not her real name had been seeing each other for a couple of years when I met them, and they had actually known each other in high school but never dated. Well, their relationship was complicated from the get-go. Natalie was married but separated at the time, and Nate had gone through a divorce about six months prior. And what made it complicated was that Natalie was still living with her husband, even though they were separated, and Nate's ex had cheated on him repeatedly and that's why he had gotten divorced. So, with Natalie still living with her estranged husband, you can imagine this didn't sit well with Nate, especially since he had been cheated on in his marriage, right? Na Nate put a lot of pressure on Natalie to move out, and this was a source of arguments between the two of them for a long time, and it would get ugly too, with a lot of name-calling and judgments flying all around.

Bill Simpson: 2:48

And then, to make it even more complicated, natalie had a weak moment, as she put it, and had sex with her estranged husband on his birthday. She said that she felt sorry for him and that it meant nothing to her. She was remorseful and said that it wouldn't happen again. Well, this made Nate furious, you know, considering what he had been through in his marriage, he did give Natalie an ultimatum. He said that she move out or he was done with the relationship. Well, finally, natalie did move out and got her own place. Even though Nate wanted to get a place together, natalie said that she wasn't ready for that yet. Now, even though Natalie had moved out, she was still technically married. She told Nate that it was a business arrangement they had because of business assets they shared as a married couple.

Bill Simpson: 3:52

And again this became another source of seemingly endless arguments. Nate was having a hard time trusting Natalie and Natalie was getting frustrated that Nate didn't trust her. And that's when I came into the picture. Nate had been referred to me by his therapist at the clinic where I worked to help him out with his stress. It turned out referred to me by his therapist at the clinic where I worked to help him out with his stress. It turned out that his relationship was his primary source of stress. And he was psyched when he found out that I worked with men in relationship. And after he told me his story, we got to work. I validated and acknowledged his concerns. We discussed and practiced mindfulness and self-compassion strategies, boundary setting as well as mindful communication strategies to help in talking with Natalie.

Bill Simpson: 4:35

One day, nate was with me and said you know, bill, this makes so much sense what you're saying, but when I get around Natalie it just goes out the window. And he asked if I could meet with the two of them and I agreed, as long as it was okay with Natalie. Well, she agreed and was actually eager to meet with us. So then I took them through the whole reflective listening process where they got to say their piece without any interruptions from the other and then reflect back to make sure that they felt seen and heard. And this was a big help because both of them were desperately trying to be heard by the other, but the arguing kept getting in the way. And from my vantage point, it was awesome to witness because once they felt seen and heard, they instantly got all lovey-dovey and whatnot, you know, and this was a great start. Well, the problem was that it didn't last outside of our session, they would go right back to their old patterns, which is typical, by the way. It takes a lot of practice to get this stuff to sink in.

Bill Simpson: 5:44

Now, since Nate had sort of a short fuse, we had to set up some rules. One was that the moment he felt heated or either of them, for that matter, feeling heated or their emotions getting high that they would take a time out and stop arguing and agree to resume the conversation when they were both calm, arguing and agreed to resume the conversation when they were both calm. We worked on Natalie being more open with Nate and getting her to understand, due to her past actions with her ex, that it may be a challenge for Nate to trust her and that he was allowed to ask questions as long as he wasn't using them to beat her up. She got it and Nate got it too. We also worked on Nate taking Natalie at her word that she loved him and had no desire to be with anyone else and to stop using the past as a way to bring her down, and Nate agreed. They both trusted the process, and yet it took some time for them to get to the point where they trusted each other and saw that, in spite of their disagreements or issues in their relationship, that they could truly connect without having to argue so much. They got away from having to be right or justify their position to the bigger goal of staying connected. They adopted a new way of working things out that made all the difference in the world. They adopted a new way of working things out that made all the difference in the world.

Bill Simpson: 7:07

So here, nate and Natalie's story is a beautiful example of how it is possible to stop the arguing and start connecting in the relationship. So many times I've seen couples totally missing the point. You know, not seeing the bigger picture of staying connected even when they have differences or issues in the relationship. You know endless arguing and that whole not feeling seen or heard all that can slowly wear down the relationship to where all that's left are feelings of resentment or contempt and eventually the couple drifts apart, which can be deadly to the relationship. So what are some things you can do to stop the arguing and start connecting in your relationship? Well, I have a whole list of things you can do, so let's get to it.

Bill Simpson: 8:01

Number one as I mentioned this with Nate and Natalie, it was so important active and reflective listening. I talk about it a lot on this podcast. They both needed to feel seen and heard. Right and active listening is about hearing your spouse or partner without interrupting and without thinking about how you're going to respond. Just be present with her, hear her out and let her have her say Then you can switch roles and do the same thing for the other person. The reflective piece, or what's called mirroring, is saying back to her what you heard. Mirror back to her to make sure she feels that you got it right. You know you can say something like what I'm hearing you say is xyz, or I hear that you're feeling xyz, or maybe it sounds like you need blah, blah, blah. You're not admitting to right or wrong. You're just acknowledging her experience and this can help you both feel seen and heard. Letting go of having to be right and getting all defensive and whatnot can help you to build trust and take some of the tension out of the relationship.

Bill Simpson: 9:16

Now, empathy is a word you'll hear me talk about a lot too. Empathy can go a long way when there's a disagreement or an issue and again, it can help each other to feel seen and heard. Empathy is taking into consideration how your spouse or partner may feel or what she might be going through. And again, it's not about being right or wrong, it's acknowledging her experience. It's not about being right or wrong, it's acknowledging her experience. You can ask yourself you know, how would I feel if I was in her shoes right now. Empathy can help you feel more connected and show that you do understand and it's not, again, keep saying it, not that she's necessarily right, but that you understand where she's coming from and can empathize, can relate to it, and this can be helpful in preventing feelings of resentment and it can also reduce how often you guys argue.

Bill Simpson: 10:12

Another thing you can do before you have a conversation about the issue is to use what relationship expert and researcher, dr John Gottman, a guy I talk about a lot. He calls this a soft startup, meaning entering the conversation in a supportive way, versus starting off with a criticism or an aggressive tone. Support her where she is first saying something like I see you're really upset, that's the support piece and then confront her with I feel and I need that could be I see that you're really upset and I feel disrespected when you talk to me that way, and I need you to talk to me in a respectful way and instead of being critical and saying you oh, you're so rude, you never text me back, you can say something like you know, when I don't get a response to my texts, I feel ignored and I'd really appreciate having better communication. And you heard where I used I statements, and that's another important part that can help you. You'll notice I didn't say you're disrespectful and you need to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. No, it's I need you to. Instead of saying you're so selfish, you know, you can try something like I feel like I don't matter when I don't get my needs met, and this way of talking can create a deeper sense of empathy and understanding with each other.

Bill Simpson: 11:47

Now, it can take some getting used to to talk like this. You know you're not used to it, right, but with practice this can be a real game changer. And the main thing here is the intention behind your conversation. You know that you're not pointing blame at your partner. You're taking responsibility for yourself and the impact that her behavior is having on you, not blaming her. Focusing on one issue at a time is important when you're arguing or having a conversation right. When you start bringing up multiple issues, it can get really confusing or overwhelming, and things can get out of hand. You know, and you're much better off resolving the issue or solving the problem when you stick to one issue or problem at a time.

Bill Simpson: 12:38

Now, another technique that can be helpful is what I shared with Nate and Natalie, and that was taking timeouts. You both agree that when an argument gets heated or your emotions are starting to rise, take a timeout, and this could be, like I don't know, 20 minutes or even longer if you need it. It's not that you're not going to talk about it, and sometimes that happens Like, oh, you're shutting down, you don't want to talk about it. No, I don't want to talk about it when our emotions are high like this, right, so you take that time out, let your nervous system chill out a little bit, and then, when you're both calm, then you can resume the conversation. This way, you're less likely to say something hurtful that you might regret later.

Bill Simpson: 13:23

And another thing that I'm big on, and that's focusing on your shared values and goals for the long term of your relationship. And when there's a conflict, it's resolving the conflict based on your long-term vision and goals you have as a couple. You know, don't let that escape you Remember this. It's a big picture, you know, and when you look at it from the perspective of your shared values and goals, the conflict doesn't seem like such a big deal. And when you revisit your goals and values on a regular basis, it can really reduce the amount of arguments you have and help to reduce the stress in your relationship, which is always a good recipe for satisfaction, right?

Bill Simpson: 14:09

And one more thing that I'll talk about that can be helpful in reducing arguments. That's kind of along the same lines as checking in about the shared values and goals thing and that's having weekly check-ins. You know you check in with each other to talk about any unresolved issues that may be lingering or any minor issues that might come up. You know, and it doesn't have to be a long, drawn-out thing Maybe 15 minutes to a half an hour can make a big difference. And when you're doing this on the regular and being proactive with your communications, it can help these small issues from becoming bigger issues, and it's making sure that any unresolved issues are addressed. All that can help you to avoid arguments. So now you have some strategies to help you to stop arguing so much in your relationship and start connecting on a more mature and deeper level. It's all about looking at the big picture of the relationship. Choose your arguments wisely and approach to resolve them from the fact that you love this person and that your intention is to work together to resolve for the long term of your relationship. Got it All right.

Bill Simpson: 15:29

It's time now for me to drop a quote on you, like I do each week. This one is from psychologist and author and relationship expert, harville Hendricks. I've referenced him before. He says quote If we spent as much energy connecting as we do fighting, we'd feel more fulfilled and less frustrated. Unquote. And now you've got some tools to use to fight less and connect more. Use to fight less and connect more. And that's going to do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the how to stop arguing and start connecting in relationship episode. My name is Bill Simpson. I thank you for listening.

Bill Simpson: 16:15

Coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast. Can you think of any lies you were told as a boy that didn't play out as an adult. You know, like big boys don't cry. Oh, I did an episode at the end of September called Big Boys Should Cry the Proven Benefits of Crying, where science debunked that lie. Well, on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, I will share more of those lies we were told as boys and I'll debunk them with adult facts. Please join me for the Lies Boys Are Told About being a man and the Truth they Need to Know. Episode. And, as always, if you have a topic, idea or concern about your relationship you need help with, please reach out to me. You can contact me by going to my website, menonthepathtolovecom. That's menonthepathtolovecom. Now I'd like to invite you to join my mission to spread more love in the world by sharing the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.