Lies Boys Were Told About Being A Man And The Truth They Need To Know

Have you ever questioned the traditional beliefs about what it means to be a man that have been passed down through generations? Like 'big boys don't cry.' I did an episode recently called Big Boys Should Cry: The Proven Benefits of Crying where I debunked the 'lie' that big boys don't cry, using research, my experience, and some common sense. In this episode, I dig deeper into more of the 'lies' boys were told about masculinity from my own experience and what my clients have shared with me over the years, and I debunk those 'lies' as well. 

Chapters

• 0:10 Uncovering Lies About Masculinity
• 12:08 Finding Love Through Self-Discovery

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:10

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast. The lies boys were told about being a man and the truth they need to know episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach him how to do it and how to be the best version of himself for himself and for his current or future relationship, and live the life he loves. A few episodes back, I did an episode called Big Boys Should Cry the Proven Benefits of Crying, and it was based on the lie I was told and many of us guys were told that big boys don't cry. Well, I debunked that lie with some research, a little common sense and my own experience.

Bill Simpson: 1:07

In this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, I'm going to share more lies that I was told as a boy and some that my clients have shared over the years, especially when it comes to a relationship. Now, one lie I remember was my dad telling me You're queer if you masturbate. Now, I don't know if any of you have heard that one growing up, but it really effed with me for the longest man. I mean. I was so confused and it didn't make sense to me, you know, because I wasn't attracted to guys. But I certainly masturbated and I eventually figured it out. Maybe it was like sixth or seventh grade in sex ed that it was normal for boys to masturbate and that it didn't mean I was gay. But it still took me some time for it to really sink in. And it just goes to show the impact that these lies can have. Another lie I heard growing up was that real men don't back down from a fight. So I never did. Now I got my ass kicked a couple of times and I won some fights too. But it wasn't until later in life and studying martial arts that I learned that fighting was the last resort and that it was only used to defend myself and never to instigate a fight. It's all about the yielding and in relationship.

Bill Simpson: 2:36

Men who have the belief that real men don't back down from a fight. Well, that can cause problems when it comes to conflicts or arguments. You know this belief can lead to unnecessary conflicts or arguments. He may not be willing to compromise, you know, and feel like he has to dominate his spouse or partner instead of looking for a solution. And what's real is that being able to compromise and resolve conflict or arguments, man, it's really crucial for the long term of the relationship. Men who see compromise as being weak may have a hard time maintaining a connection for the long run, and the research is clear that being able to communicate and act in a way that de-escalates tension in relationship is essential in maintaining a positive and long-lasting relationship.

Bill Simpson: 3:33

And to go along with not backing down from a fight is the lie that you're showing weakness if you apologize. Now I didn't hear this growing up, but many of my clients did. Truth is, apologizing can be a very powerful way to heal relationships and to build trust. Research says that acknowledging our faults and expressing regret or remorse can significantly strengthen a relationship and reduce resentment and contempt in a relationship. And reduce resentment and contempt.

Bill Simpson: 4:09

I had a client share a lie that he heard as a boy that men should be the main provider. Yeah, and this is a pretty common belief among men. I certainly bought into it. I was in a marriage where, after being the substantial provider in my previous marriage to, where my new spouse was the main breadwinner, and it really shook my world as a man, you know, and the same is true for many of my clients, you know feeling less than a man, having to depend on a woman as a provider. Well, I ultimately learned that that was bullshit and the research backs it up. It shows more and more that in relationships where both partners contribute and feel valued are more fulfilling. Studies find that couples who see their roles as complementary to the other and who are flexible in how the money comes in experience greater relationship satisfaction.

Bill Simpson: 5:03

Another lie I hear from clients is that they were told to ask for help is a sign of weakness and man. This couldn't be further from the truth. It takes strength and courage to ask for help and the most successful men have asked for help along the way, whether it's financial success or success in relationship. And when it comes to relationship, asking for help and support is so important for the emotional stability and long-term of the relationship. Studies show that couples who support each other's mental health experience less anxiety, less depression and less conflict and arguments. And again, this takes strength and it is not a sign of weakness and man. I am so grateful that I had the strength to seek out and got the help I needed to be where I am today.

Bill Simpson: 6:01

Here's another lie one of my clients shared with me, who in the beginning was very hesitant to work with me as a coach, because growing up he heard his dad say over and over it's a man's job to fix problems, not talk about them. It's a man's job to fix problems, not talk about them. And when I heard him say that I'm like man, it makes sense to me that he would resist talking with me. This is the lie that makes it hard for men to talk about what's going on in their lives. Many boys are taught to focus on solutions rather than what they're feeling, and when they grow up and get into a relationship, this can get in the way of communicating how he's feeling and get in the way of understanding his spouse or partner's feelings rather than trying to fix them. According to the research, couples who focus on understanding each other's emotions rather than trying to fix problems are happier... b ottom line. When they're able to feel validated, it creates a sense of safety in the relationship and from that sense of safety you're more apt to solve the problem, right? And when you're focusing on the problem rather than validating her experience, your spouse or partner may feel unseen, which can create a disconnect, and you hear me talking about that a lot.

Bill Simpson: 7:22

How about the lie? All you need is love. Yeah, man, one of my clients told me his mother used to say that a lot and he believed it. You know, as long as he loved his partner, all would be okay. He had this romanticized idea of love and relationship and that really got him into trouble in relationships when he grew up. And you know, it's a beautiful sentiment, no doubt, but the truth is we need a lot more than love to make a relationship work. I loved all my exes, but the relationships didn't last. It's so important to do more, you know, to communicate openly, to have common interests and values, to be able to compromise when necessary and, for me most importantly, to be vulnerable and empathetic. Yeah, and that, with love on top of it, that's the long term of your relationship, right there?

Bill Simpson: 8:23

And speaking of being vulnerable, that's another lie that we're told, as boys, right, girls don't find vulnerability attractive. Yeah, girls don't like it. And when boys hear this, they're often discouraged from being vulnerable, which later on he may have a hard time opening up to how he's feeling, you know, especially when it comes to his fears or insecurities, or maybe there's issues he may have with his spouse or partner and he's afraid to be vulnerable, to bring it up. Well, research shows that women do find men who are vulnerable attractive. Yeah, and the research also suggests that vulnerability is the foundation of emotional intimacy in relationship. You know, sharing insecurities and fears actually builds trust and a deeper sense of connection, which is essential for that deep, meaningful and long-lasting relationship. And to go along with this lie about women not finding vulnerability attractive is the lie. You'll never understand women, so don't bother trying.

Bill Simpson: 9:37

A client said he heard that from his father a lot. You know. When his father talked about his mom, he said his father would be very dismissive of his mother's feelings and he said that he was the same way in relationship. You know, he would always downplay whatever his partner was feeling or what she experienced, whatever his partner was feeling or what she experienced, and he would never talk about his feelings. And this was always a source of conflict in his relationship. And once he learned about being empathetic and understanding, it made all the difference in the world when it came to feeling fulfilled in his relationship. Yeah, the truth is, and the research backs it up, couples who commit to really understanding each other's thoughts, feelings and experiences are much more satisfied in the relationship Go figure right. Are much more satisfied in the relationship Go figure right. So I'm sure there are plenty more lies or misconceptions that we learned as boys that I haven't mentioned. If you have any you'd like to share, please let me know. You can reach me from my show page or my website, menonthepathtolovecom.

Bill Simpson: 10:47

Here's a quote from author and advocate for healthy masculinity, Mark Green. He writes quote Culture hands boys a script of lies about masculinity, but real strength lies in rewriting it unquote. And that's exactly what we're doing here at Men on the Path to Love and that will bring an end to this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast. The Lies Boys Were Told About being a man and the Truth they Needed to Know episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thanks for taking the time to listen. I really do appreciate it.

Bill Simpson: 11:27

Now coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, have you ever got so caught up in your relationship to where you feel like you lost yourself, or maybe losing your true identity for the sake of someone else or for the sake of the relationship? Well, if so, you're not alone. It happens a lot more than you might think with men. It happened to me and many of the clients I've seen and let me tell you it sucks. So on the next episode of the men on the path to love podcast, I share Ollie's story and how he got lost in his relationship and what he did about it. I'll also let you know what you can do if you feel lost in your relationship.

Bill Simpson: 12:08

Please join me for the Lost in Love: Rediscovering Yourself in Relationship episode. It's on the Men on the Path to Love podcast. And you know, I'm always looking for ideas and topics for the show. So if you have any ideas, please let me know. You can contact me from my website, men on the path to love .com. That's men on the path to love .com. And if you're getting something out of listening to this podcast and know someone you think might benefit from listening as well, then please share the link and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.