Lost in Love: Rediscovering Yourself in Relationship

What happens when you lose yourself in a relationship? In this episode I explore the complexities of self-loss and how men can rediscover their sense of self-worth and independence. You'll hear my personal story of identity loss and the lessons I learned to reclaim it. And you'll hear Ollie's story and his journey of losing himself in relationship and what he did about it. Check out the Lost in Love: Rediscovering Yourself in Relationship, episode.

Chapters

• 0:00 Navigating Self-Loss in Relationships
• 9:01 Maintaining Identity in Relationships
• 17:00 Overcoming Fear of Feminized Masculinity

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:00

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Lost in Love Rediscovering Yourself in Relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach him how to do it and how to be the best version of himself for himself and for his current or future relationship and live the life he loves.

Bill Simpson: 0:31

So over the years I've seen many men lose themselves, so to speak, in relationships, and that includes myself. Sometimes it's putting their partner's needs above their own, thinking they may lose them if they don't. Or it can be a combination of what society expects and their own expectations, or it could just be the dynamic of the relationship itself. And it's actually a thing. It's called self-loss and that's when a man's sense of himself or his self-worth becomes too entangled with the relationship, where he loses his sense of independence, autonomy and feeling fulfilled in his relationship.

Bill Simpson: 1:19

Well, I learned about self-loss the hard way. I experienced it in one relationship where I allowed myself to be defined by my partner. She saw me a certain way. You know an image she had of me, of this local radio celebrity which I was when we met, so it's not her fault. And as I was phasing out of that career role into my coaching and holistic health practice, it was hard for her. Truth is, I was struggling with my identity internally as I was transitioning into a whole new role in lifestyle and struggling with my own ambivalence. I questioned my desire to go for my new role, my dream and my vision, and by not feeling supported by my partner, made it worse. Yet I allowed myself to be swayed by her image of me you know my old me and again, not her fault and I was starting to lose ground on going for the new me. You know my future self and it got to the point where I lost myself, not only in my relationship. I lost my own sense of self period, and it wasn't until I was out of that relationship that I was finally able to find myself again and I vowed never to allow myself to lose myself in relationship ever again, and I stayed true to that vow..

Bill Simpson: 2:53

I've had many clients where they had lost themselves in relationship and the one that stands out the most is Ollie Not his real name, of course. I have no idea how I came up with that name, but anyway, ollie was madly in love with Olive Not her real name. She could do no wrong in his eyes. He would do anything to keep her happy and at first he loved doing it.

Bill Simpson: 3:25

He didn't mind if she wanted to go to a movie that he didn't particularly wanted to go to. He would go anyway, just to be with her. And when they would go out to eat he would always let Olive pick the restaurant, even when he would have preferred somewhere else. He gave up playing music. He would play music once a week with his friends and he gave it up because Olive wasn't really into music and she wanted him to spend time with her.

Bill Simpson: 3:57

And another thing Ollie told me he would do was he would avoid arguments at all costs, so he wouldn't say anything that he thought would upset Olive, like not telling her he didn't want to go to the movie she picked or the restaurant she picked, or stand up for himself when he wanted to play music with his friends. And there were times Ollie said that he wanted some acknowledgement from Olive for all the stuff he did for her, but he was afraid to say something for fear that she would be upset..

Bill Simpson: 4:28

Well, over time this started to slowly wear thin with Ollie. This started to slowly wear thin with Ollie and by the time he got to me he was feeling resentful, he felt unappreciated, his self-esteem and self-confidence were down the tubes and he felt lost and he was basically blaming Olive for everything. Well, the first thing I did was to acknowledge Ollie for what he was feeling and what he was going through, and we started right away with doing the self-compassion work you know, recognizing how hard the situation was for him and that all that he was feeling was legit, and in doing so, it helped to build Ollie's self-esteem and self-confidence.

Bill Simpson: 5:15

Next, I pointed out to Ollie his part in the dynamic. He was focusing so much on keeping Olive happy that he wasn't in touch with his own happiness. Well, when Ali heard that, he pushed back pretty hard. He was like man, making Olive happy makes me happy. And I was like you know, man, that's all good and well, right, yet look at where that's gotten you. And I asked him if he was happy and he said no and that he was open to learning more.

Bill Simpson: 5:50

So next, we worked on him, identifying and clarifying his values, what mattered to him and what made him happy, and that he was worth and deserved to be happy in his relationship. We worked on his communication skills and how to be assertive with Olive and doing it in a mindful and compassionate way. And I have to say Ollie was freaked out at first. He resisted because it was totally out of his comfort zone. Yet once he got more comfortable with being out of his comfort zone, he became much more confident in approaching Olive.

Bill Simpson: 6:32

Well, fast forward, and without going into all the details, ollie did approach Olive and had a heart-to-heart and it turned out that Olive had been aching for Ollie to step up and advocate for himself. And Ollie couldn't believe it, you know. It turned out so much better than he thought it was going to be. He was so relieved, he said, and Olive was open and she encouraged Ali to talk about his needs more often. And of course, this took time and there were a lot of bumps along the way. That's what happens when you're trying to change and do new things. Yet Ali was grateful that he finally found himself and he was happier than he had ever been in his relationship.

Bill Simpson: 7:21

And what I appreciate so much about Ollie's story is that he was able to find himself and still maintain his relationship, unlike myself and what I shared when I lost myself in relationship, as well as the many men I've talked to over the years. So does any of this resonate with you Losing yourself in relationship? You know, even a little bit. Well, it can be a real challenge balancing being true to yourself and trying to meet your partner or spouse's needs. You know, being true to yourself and trying to meet your partner or spouse's needs, you know, being true to yourself in a relationship isn't about always getting your way. It's being able to express your truth, compromise at times and do it for the good and long term of your relationship.

Bill Simpson: 8:11

And I'll use the example with Ollie and Olive, where Ollie deferred to Olive in picking the movies. Okay, instead of Ollie just deferring to Olive, he could have been true to himself, saying something like you know, babe, I appreciate you wanting to go to this movie and frankly, I'm not really feeling it. And yet I want to go anyway because I want to spend time with you and next time I can pick the movie. Well, in this case, Olive knows what's real for Ollie, and Ollie feels empowered by his decision. Here, ollie's going for the greater value of spending time with Olive and still letting her know what was going on with him and being true to himself. I'm going to share some more ways that men can lose themselves in relationship Now.

Bill Simpson: 9:01

I've already mentioned, with Ollie's story, about avoiding conflict and focusing too much on your partner or spouse's happiness. Those are some big ones, right. Well, how about having your relationship being your main focus in life? You know, not having a sense of purpose outside your relationship, making everything else secondary, giving up your needs outside the relationship. Man, finding purpose outside the relationship is very important. It could be your career, a hobby, it could be volunteering your time and effort and your energy, whatever. Doing this helps to build self-esteem and self-confidence too, and that you have a sense of purpose and achievement.

Bill Simpson: 9:50

And I have to say, in doing this, at first it may feel like you're neglecting your relationship, when you have the belief that your sole focus should be on your relationship. Well, frankly, the research says that the opposite is true. Having these outside interests can actually have a positive impact on your relationship, and it's all about balance here. And to go along with having your relationship being your main focus is feeling that you have to be overly responsible in your relationship, and what I mean by this is feeling like you have to be the fixer. You know, fixing all the problems in the relationship is on you. So you end up sacrificing your own needs or goals, and I see this a lot. And again, this is why it's so important to have your own goals and interests, and even friendships outside of your relationship, of your relationship. Doing this helps to honor your own values, your own unique abilities and your need for personal growth, you know, and at the same time, staying committed to your relationship. And again, balance is the key here.

Bill Simpson: 11:07

Another way men can lose themselves in a relationship is by stuffing or suppressing your emotional needs. And you know, historically and I say this a lot we as men have been conditioned not to express our emotions unless, of course, we're angry, right? You know we're not allowed to be vulnerable. To be vulnerable, well, fellas, when we stuff our feelings over and over, it can lead to feeling disconnected in the relationship. Maybe you start isolating or even become depressed, and that's why it's so important to be able to have a sense of self-awareness around your feelings, and I know this can be hard. And yet you can do this. Using self-compassion and mindfulness, for example, are great tools for self-awareness. Doing things like journaling and meditating can help, and, guys, the more self-aware you are with your feelings, your thoughts, even what's going on in your body, the more likely you are to find satisfaction and fulfillment in your relationship.

Bill Simpson: 12:19

Another thing I've seen is where men take on their partner's or spouse's preferences. Yeah, and they do this to sort of match what their spouse or partner wants or needs. Sometimes they go as far as even taking on their partner's or spouse's personality. This is usually done subconsciously, by the way, and over time, though, it can take its toll to where this guy has just lost his own identity and he didn't even know how he got there. And think about it. This guy has just lost his own identity and he didn't even know how he got there. And think about it. Would you want to be with someone who acts the same way as you or is like a mirror of you? No, and that can get boring after a while, and it can also lead to a lack of respect for the other person.

Bill Simpson: 13:14

And what's so important here is to be clear about your needs, about your likes and dislikes, and then expressing them in a firm, compassionate and mindful way, being true to yourself and maintaining mutual respect Very important, all right, I'm going to throw in one more way men can lose themselves in relationship, and that is when they sacrifice their health, their physical and mental health, and they do this for the sake of the relationship, not on purpose, but it's just neglecting his own self care and habits for good health to focus solely on the relationship. It happens, and the evidence is clear, that physical and mental well-being are really essential in keeping relationships strong. You know, making sure to exercise, to eat right, to have some downtime and maybe taking up mindfulness practices, like I mentioned, meditation, self-compassion all of those are proven to help you feel good about yourself, to become more resilient and to bring a sense of balance and positivity to your relationship.

Bill Simpson: 14:24

All right, so there you go. You can see that there are numerous ways men can lose themselves in relationship, and it's the same for women too, by the way. We all can. The key here again is to find that balance between being committed to your spouse or partner in relationship and being true to yourself and your own sense of independence. Really, it's making sure you keep your identity, a sense of self-worth, your dignity and feeling healthy. That's what being the best version of yourself is all about, and it's bringing that best version of yourself to your relationship and that's truly being on the path to love. You know the long term of your relationship, so you can live the life you love. All right, so here's this week's quote. It comes from author Gary Zukav. He says, quote If you are searching for love that will make you whole and complete, you will not find it. Whole and complete, you will not find it. Only by discovering yourself first will you find true wholeness and the ability to fully connect with another. That's it. That's what I'm talking about

Bill Simpson: 15:44

And that's it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Lost in Love Rediscovering Yourself in Relationship episode. My name is Bill Simpson and I appreciate you listening to this podcast Now coming up next time on the Men on the Path to Love podcast.

Bill Simpson: 16:04

A few months ago, I had a run-in with a guy that I'll say who was not acting with integrity, okay, and I called him out on it. I did it in a very mindful and diplomatic way. We were texting back and forth and his response to me was quote spoken like a true feminized man, and he didn't mean it as a compliment and I was like what? The? I'm not a feminized man. I consider myself a man with non-toxic masculinity, and it got me to thinking about the fear that some men have of becoming a feminized man. And I get it. You know doing the stuff I'm suggesting on this podcast, fearing that it would lead them down that path. And, fellas, it's not about being feminized, it's owning your masculinity in a non-toxic way.

Bill Simpson: 17:00

On the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, you'll hear Pierce's story and how he overcame that fear, and I'll set the record straight on how you can overcome this fear as well. Please join me for the fear of being a feminized man and how to overcome it episode Now. If you have an idea or topic for the show or maybe something is going on in your relationship you'd like for me to cover, please let me know about it. You can reach me on my show page or just go to my website, menonthepathtolovecom. That's menonthepathtolovecom. And if you're not afraid of being called a feminized man and you embrace your non-toxic masculinity and want to spread more love in the world, then please share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.