Fear of Being a Feminized Man: The Myth And How to Overcome It

A few months back, a guy I was doing business with labeled me a "feminized man" for my professional and mindful response to a conflict we were having. In this episode, you'll hear my story along with Pierce's story and how he overcame his fear of doing what he called "women's stuff."  I also share the advantages of maintaining your positive masculine traits and adding some traditionally feminine qualities to become a more whole and authentic man, to be the best version of yourself, and live the life you love! Check out the Fear of Becoming a Feminized Man: The Myth and How to Overcome It, episode.

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:12

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast. The fear of being a feminized man the myth and how to overcome it episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach him how to do it and how to be the best version of himself for himself and for his current or future relationship, and to live the life he loves.

Bill Simpson: 0:44

So, as I mentioned at the end of my last episode, in promoting this episode, I had a run-in with this guy I was doing business with a few months back who I'll just say was not acting with integrity, okay, and I called him on it and I did it in a very professional and mindful way and we were texting and he responded his text said, spoken like a true feminized man, and I was like this guy, you know, I mean it was this typical toxic masculinity type of response, right, and I know this term, toxic masculinity, is overused and polarized and all that, and in this case it was true and he ended up cussing me out in his text and then he called me from an unknown number and cussed me out again and I wasn't having it. It was almost comical, really, and I wasn't going to stoop to his level. So I blocked him and I stopped doing business with him. Now I can't really blame him for how he reacted, really, because it's a mindset that a lot of men have been conditioned to follow and, frankly, I really wasn't that offended. It's just sad that his fear and insecurity of being a so-called feminized man may keep him from connecting with others, especially with women or in relationship.

Bill Simpson: 2:10

So with that, and then more recently with the pre-election rhetoric from those opposing a female president and more displays of that toxic masculinity, with all the ads and social media posts and whatnot, and with the listeners' suggestion for the show, I was like, all right, let me address the topic on my podcast Now. I did a whole episode about toxic masculinity a while back. It's actually the first season, episode 26 to be exact, so there'll be some overlap in this episode.

Bill Simpson: 2:46

So what does being a feminized man mean anyway? Well, it's a term that's used to describe a man who shows characteristics or behaviors that have been historically associated with being feminine, right, like being emotionally vulnerable or sensitive or being nurturing, rather than how men have been traditionally or stereotypically conditioned to accept what it means to be quote-unquote masculine, you know, like being stoic, not showing emotions or vulnerability, being assertive and showing physical strength. Well, the term feminized man is usually used in a derogatory or negative way, right, especially in cultures or circles that hold tight to traditional gender roles. And that was definitely the case with this guy who called me a feminized man, and frankly, I don't see it as a bad thing really. You know, adopting the qualities of compassion, vulnerability, empathy and being nurturing it's all good, no matter what you call it.

Bill Simpson: 3:53

You know, I think about some of the most powerful leaders in history, men who were compassionate, vulnerable, empathetic and strong, steadfast and able to inspire and move others. People like Gandhi, martin Luther King Jr. Even religious figures like Jesus and Buddha, and so on. But the point is it's not about being feminized. It's keeping our healthy masculine qualities and adopting some new ones, and it makes us more rounded and whole. And it's not like we're not capable of using these qualities. I mean, we all have them within us. It just might take more effort for some men to bring it out, or we have to learn it. I know I sure did. It was a learned behavior for me.

Bill Simpson: 4:42

And this brings me to Pierce's story. Pierce, nhis real name, was a patient that had been referred to me by his provider at the clinic where I work and he needed some help with managing his chronic pain. And he was. He was a good guy, you know, a little rough around the edges, but he had a big heart. Yet it took a while for him to show that heart. Part of what I do at the health clinic is I'm a body worker, massage therapist, and we started out doing some body work and what's called positional therapy for his chronic pain for his lower back. He was definitely feeling the benefit of the work we were doing.

Bill Simpson: 5:22

Then he started asking me about the other stuff I did as a mind body educator and integrative therapy practitioner. He had been checking out my brochure and I told him you know about mindfulness and meditation, self-compassion, mindful communication, using empathy and vulnerability all that good stuff. And he was like I don't know about all that. He said I ain't got time for all that mess. And he was saying that his girlfriend was into all that, but it wasn't for him. He called it women's stuff. And that's when I seized the moment to explain to him that it wasn't women's stuff. It was everybody's stuff right. Well then he went into how he and his girlfriend had been arguing a lot, and that's when I told him I was also a relationship coach for men. Well, he lit up when he heard that man he was like that's what I need. And again, seizing the moment, I asked him if he was willing to learn and practice the stuff I mentioned, like self-compassion and empathy, vulnerability and all that, and he reluctantly said yes.

Bill Simpson: 6:31

Well, I'll just cut to the chase and say that Pierce did the work you know, doing what he called women stuff, and over time he really did transform his mindset and his behavior and he's doing well in his relationship and he's actually sharing what he's learned from me to the men in his community maintaining his masculinity and adding the so-called feminine qualities to be the best version of himself for himself, for his relationships and his community and living the life he loves and his community and living the life he loves.

Bill Simpson: 7:07

So Pierce overcame his fear of being a feminized man. I'm going to share with you what research says men can do to overcome this fear. First, I'm going to talk about the pressure a man can feel not fitting into the traditional male, stereotypical role of what it means to be man r man ight, it's called. There's actually a name for it it's called gender role strain, okay, well, research suggests that instead, men should strive for what's called gender role flexibility, which means accepting and taking on both traditionally masculine and feminine qualities. And the reason I say this is that the research says guys who take on gender role flexibility tend to be more satisfied overall in life, you know, they have a greater sense of satisfaction in their relationships and they have better mental health outcomes too. Gender role flexibility is the way to go,

Bill Simpson: 8:10

All right, and to go along with that is what's called gender identity resilience, which basically means that men who see things like being able to express himself emotionally or being sensitive are really good traits to have as a human being, period, you know, rather than making it a man thing or a woman thing. And with this mindset, men see themselves as being more resilient and feeling overall more self-confident and self-accepting. And this would mean doing lots of self-reflection and learning to adapt to a new masculinity that is more authentic and in alignment with what's important to him, his values, and with this he's much less likely to care about being judged by others. You know it's like. So what I am who I am, I'm comfortable in my skin and I don't care what anybody thinks. And it can take some time to totally embody that new mindset, yet it can happen.

Bill Simpson: 9:13

Another way to overcome the fear of being a feminized man is understanding the benefits of being vulnerable, you know, and seeing it as a strength, not a weakness, or as feminine. Researcher Brene Brown did a lot of research on this and she concluded that vulnerability and emotional openness are critical for healthy relationships and mental health overall, no matter what gender you are. And with men who specifically embrace vulnerability often experience stronger connections with their partners, their family and their friends, which is linked to lower rates of depression and anxiety. How about that? So you can see that the benefit of embracing vulnerability far outweighs the risk of being looked at as, quote-unquote, feminized, it's like again. So what you know? This is good for me. Being vulnerable, it's good for me and my relationships. All right.

Bill Simpson: 10:15

Having a positive role model, both personally and in the public eye or media, can help in overcoming the fear. Seeing other men who embrace both masculine and feminine qualities, you know, like sensitive leaders or nurturing fathers or compassionate bosses, you know, and when men see this, it can help them to expand their idea or notion of what it means to be masculine. And the research says that when men see other men model this type of positive behavior, it can help them feel more comfortable being in touch with their true and authentic selves without that fear of being judged. And this is especially true for young men, you know, showing them that being a man or being masculine is actually multifaceted and that we can adapt with new, learned behavior.

Bill Simpson: 11:06

Now, what concerns me when it comes to role models in the media and trust me, I hope I'm wrong here, but with the upcoming administration depicting a more toxic masculine role model, I'm concerned that men may gravitate towards that model if they don't see others contrasting the behavior in a positive light. That's why I feel it's so important to do this podcast to show the multifaceted sides of being a man.

Bill Simpson: 11:35

And the final thing I'll say in regards to overcoming the fear of being that feminized man is getting some help around it. That's all a part of my love mission, you know, with Men on the Path to Love, with my podcast and coaching. So seeking coaching therapy, oh, and especially group support can be very helpful in shifting your mindset, and especially group support can be very helpful in shifting your mindset. It's all about providing a safe space where men can talk about their fears and about what it means to be a man and what society expects from us. Now, if you would like to join my Facebook group, my Facebook men's group, it's by invitation only. So if you send me an email to bill at menonthepathtolovecom, I can send you an invite and get you hooked up.

Bill Simpson: 12:25

So, with a Facebook group or a men's group, hearing from other men and getting support can go a long way in taking down some of the stigma attached to adopting the so-called feminine qualities right, and to see it as a healthy balance of both traditionally masculine and feminine qualities.

Bill Simpson: 12:46

Now, before I close out, I want to share this quote from former NFL player, actor and AGT host, terry Crews. I love Terry man. I mean, he's this bi u mand and got all a g g g a g got this you know compassion inside him. Anyway, he says quote the concept of a feminized man is rooted in fear, not reality. Strength is not diminished by kindness or empathy, it's amplified by them. Unquote you go, terry. That's what I'm talking about. Man, there you go, and that'll do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast the fear of being a feminized man the myth of how to overcome it episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you for listening.

Bill Simpson: 13:34

Now coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path of Love podcast, are you thinking about getting married for the first time or getting remarried? Well, you'll definitely want to check out the next episode, where I share Quincy's story of how he wasn't sure if he wanted to get married or not. I put him to the test with some questions I thought he should ask himself first, so find out his verdict. The questions you might want to think about if you're thinking about getting married. Please join me for the what to ask yourself before getting married episode.

Bill Simpson: 14:07

Now, I'm always looking for ideas and topics for the podcast, right? So if you have any, please let me know. You can contact me on my homepage or from my website, menonthepathtolovecom. That's menonthepathtolovecom, and if you feel that the world needs more love, like I do, then please share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.