What To Ask Yourself Before You Get Married*

Ever wondered what it takes to create a thriving marriage? In this episode of Men on the Path to Love, I take you through Quincy's story and the questions I had him ask himself in trying to decide whether to take the leap of marriage. Find out his verdict. I invite you to ask yourself the same questions if you are contemplating getting married. You just might get some insight that could transform your approach to relationships in general, and marriage specifically.  Check out the What To Ask Yourself Before You Get Married, episode.

*Language

Chapters

• 0:00 Questions Before Marriage Podcast Episode
• 3:46 Important Considerations Before Marriage

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the what to ask yourself before you get married episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach him how to do it and how to be the best version of himself for himself and for his current or future relationship, and to live the life he loves.

Speaker 1: 0:33

So I'm thinking, you know, by you listening to this podcast, you may be thinking about getting married, maybe for the first time, or maybe gettingried, or maybe you're just curious. Well, as someone who is very happily married and I've been so for the past over 15 years and as someone who has been through three divorces, well, I got to tell you I wish someone had given me a list of questions to ask myself before I got married. Well, that being said, I really have no regrets, because I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't gone through those experiences. So, if you are thinking about getting married, it's a good idea to do some honest soul searching and some self-reflection, and I know it's really easy to get caught up emotionally. So that's why it's important to take a pause and just reflect from a more neutral perspective. You know it's like balancing the heart and the head. You know you definitely want the heart to be all in right and you want the head to be all in too. This is a huge commitment here, so you want to maximize the potential for a long-term relationship.

Speaker 1: 1:56

Now, I'm going to give you a list of questions to ask yourself, and I'm going to do it by sharing Quincy's story not his real name, and I'm going to call him Q for short. Q was an acquaintance of mine and when he found out that I was a relationship coach for men, he told me that he was thinking about getting married and wanted some advice. Told me that he was thinking about getting married and wanted some advice. He said that, as much as he wanted to get married, that there was still a part of him that was scared shitless.

Speaker 1: 2:26

I understood the fear. It's a big decision, right, and I told him that I wouldn't advise him as to whether he should get married or not, but that I would give him some questions to ask himself, to do some self-reflection, and I instructed him to be really honest with himself in answering the questions. So to get him to do some self-reflection, I asked him questions like why do you want to get married? You know I mean that's a big question, right, and I know you know some people just want to be married. I know I went through that and there's other reasons why folks get married. So why did he want to get married

Speaker 1: 3:06

?

Speaker 1: 3:07

Have you worked through your issues that you had from past relationships? Because if we haven't worked them out, chances are they're going to show up in your new relationship or your marriage out. Chances are they're going to show up in your new relationship or your marriage. The other is how well do you manage your emotions and are you willing to be honest and vulnerable and present your true, authentic self with your partner? To get him to reflect on how solid he felt the relationship was, we're asking him questions like how well do you and your partner communicate? Now, this is huge.

Speaker 1: 3:46

One of the major issues that couples have is how they communicate with one another. And if you're having a lot of arguments, and how well do you handle these arguments and conflicts? Are you having more conflicts or arguments than you do good times? Are you open and honest? Do you trust your partner? Do you respect her and do you respect her opinions and does she respect you and your opinions? Big things to think about.

Speaker 1: 4:22

Then there was the shared goals and values piece. Man, this is really big. And my wife and I, when we met online, we did all the goals and values. Before we even talked to each other on the phone, we were doing it via email. So questions like do you have enough values in common, like around having kids? You know some couples get along great but one wants kids, the other one doesn't. Religion is another one. Politics that's big right now. What are your financial values and goals and what are your career paths? What about parenting? Do you both have similar values around parenting, because that can be a deal breaker. And again about respect do you respect your partner's values that are different than yours and does she respect yours?

Speaker 1: 5:16

Another thing I had Q take a look at was being able to have a sense of himself and independence in his relationship. Like how much do you depend on your spouse for your happiness? I can't tell you how many guys and women for that matter you know they put all the happiness on their partner. Can you be true to yourself in this relationship? I've seen it where you know guys lose their identity. I know I did in one of my marriages. What interests do you have outside your relationship and will you be able to sustain those interests? And does your partner support your interests? Does she support your career, your hobbies? You know the interests outside the relationship and then on the other side, do you or are you willing to support the same for your partner her outside interests?

Speaker 1: 6:11

And the last thing I had him consider was the longevity of the relationship. Yeah, I mean, do you see yourself maturing and growing with your partner as you get older? You know things happen, things shift, things happen as you get older. You know you don't look the same. You may have different values and so on. So do you see yourself maturing and growing with your partner? Are you willing to do the work or whatever it takes to keep the relationship going when things get hard? And is your vision for the future and your goals compatible?

Speaker 1: 6:47

Well, at this point Q was overwhelmed. He was like, damn, that's a lot to consider. And I was like, yeah, you're right. Yet it is so important to think about it and to really get clear. It can potentially save a lot of heartache in the long run, and the key here is to be honest with yourself. Don't lie to yourself and think that it's how you should be or what she thinks it should be. With Q, I told him, man, take your time, and that there was no rush.

Speaker 1: 7:24

Well, over time, and after mulling through these questions, q made a decision he was not ready to get married Now. He was still committed to his partner and his relationship. He just didn't want to get married. He wanted to continue to work on himself and to go to couples counseling to make sure they were both ready, and I considered that a win. Yeah, I mean, q wasn't avoiding marriage. He just realized the importance of the commitment and that he had some more growing to do and he decided to wait the commitment and that he had some more growing to do, and he decided to wait.

Speaker 1: 8:02

Now I want to be clear that these questions should not be an excuse to avoid getting married. You know, a marriage is always a work in progress, right? And there's no crystal ball answer and there's usually some risk involved. I mean, what? 50% of marriages end up in divorce, right? So, yeah, it's a risk.

Speaker 1: 8:26

Yet in answering these questions, it can help determine if you're ready, or it can shine a light on what you and your partner need to work on to help to grow individually and in your relationship. It's so important to take these questions into consideration. I remember one time being so eager to be married and, as I think about it after knowing what I know now, it was more of a fantasy really than having a true understanding of what being in a marriage is all about. You know, I was young, naive and ignorant as to what it takes to be in a long-term relationship. And I know I wasn't alone because I've heard the same thing from other guys over the years and women too, for that matter and, like I said before, I wish someone had given me these questions before I got married. And by asking yourself these questions opens up the door for clarity, helps to make your relationship grow stronger and helps to establish a solid foundation for the potential of a long-lasting marriage.

Speaker 1: 9:37

All right, now I want to bring in the research here because it's so important. I'm going to give you four main takeaways that I got from it. One is communication is key man. I can't overemphasize that, and the research agrees. It repeatedly shows the importance of open and respectful communication in relationship. It's one of the biggest issues that couples face and, by understanding and addressing each other's communication styles, is crucial for the long-term success of the marriage. Communication styles is crucial for the long-term success of the marriage and, along with communication, is having those conflict resolution skills right, and again, this is crucial. If your conflict resolution skills are strong before marriage, then your chances of success is much greater. Of success is much greater. If they suck now, then not so much. So get some help around it and learn how to resolve conflicts before you commit.

Speaker 1: 10:41

Being emotionally sound or balanced the research is clear when you can handle your emotions in a mature and compassionate way, you're more likely to have more satisfaction and longevity in your marriage Makes sense, right. And of course, the opposite is true. If you do lack emotional stability, please get some help. No shame, just do it. And the same goes for your partner as well. And the last takeaway I'll share is having those shared values, goals and vision. The research emphasizes that couples who have shared values, goals and vision for the future are more likely to have overall satisfaction in the marriage.

Speaker 1: 11:28

And you know I tell this story a lot that when my current wife and I met each other, we met online and we were communicating via email and we did our values clarification before we even talked on the phone. It was like come on, man. Like you know, life's too short. Let's not waste time playing games. Let's get real about what our values are. Doing a values clarification exercise can really help in determining your compatibility in that regard, and you can find lots of values clarification exercises online. Or again, you can seek some help and I can share some with you as well.

Speaker 1: 12:07

Now, I keep saying get some help, because if you're not strong in a certain area of your relationship, it doesn't mean that it's not going to work. If you're committed to your growth and growing your relationship, then get the help you need in the areas where you need to improve and if you do decide to get married, continue to get the help you need to grow individually and for your. marriage

Speaker 1: 12:34

And All right, here's a quote I found from psychologist and author Jordan Peterson. He says quote marriage is a lifelong commitment, not a spur-of-the-moment decision. Reflect on whether you're prepared to honor that commitment. Unquote. Yes, indeed, do the work. Prepare yourself. You'll be glad you did. And that will close out this episode of the men on the path to love podcast, the what to ask yourself before you get married episode. My name is bill simpson and, as always, I thank you for listening. You could have been doing a million things instead, so know that I

Speaker 1: 13:20

do appreciate you taking the time to listen.

Speaker 1: 13:23

Now, coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, with Thanksgiving just last week and holidays ahead, I'm going to focus the next episode on the importance of gratitude in relationship and life in general. Really, you'll hear Rick's story and how the daily practice of gratitude transformed his relationship and his life. Please join me for the Gratitude is the Best Attitude in Relationship episode, and let me know if you have an idea or topic for the show you'd like for me to cover. Maybe something going on in your relationship you need help with. Just go to my show page or you can visit my website. That's probably the best way MenOnThePathToLovecom. You can see what I'm all about. That's at MenOnThePathToLovecom and during this season of light and love, I encourage you to spread more love in the world. Yeah, share the link to this podcast and share the love, and until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.