Gratitude is the Best Attitude in Relationship

Imagine transforming those little quirks in your partner that once drove you up the wall into moments of connection and appreciation. In this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, I reflect on my own journey of gratitude in relationship and share Rick's story and how adopting an attitude of gratitude transformed his relationship. It just might transform yours. Check out the Gratitude is the Best Attitude in Relationship, episode.

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:18

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast. The gratitude is the best attitude. In relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach him how to do it and how to be the best version of himself for himself and for his current or future relationship and live the life he loves.

Bill Simpson: 0:49

Here in the US, we celebrated Thanksgiving last week and in me reflecting on my own gratitude, I got to thinking about how grateful I am for my wife, karen, and the relationship we share Almost 16 years together and we're stronger than ever. I always knew that I wanted a relationship and marriage that is as strong as ours, and it took me a while to get there three divorces later and I have to say that I am so grateful for those previous marriages as well, because I wouldn't be where I am or who I am today. I learned so much and grew so much because of them and I think by having those experiences it has made me a better coach, because I've lived the mistakes I made in relationship and I was able to overcome them and and to grow and offer that perspective to my clients.

Bill Simpson: 1:45

Well, one of my clients I'll call him Rick, not his real name, of course. He appreciated my perspective. He had gone through two divorces before coming to see me. He had met a woman who he felt deeply connected, more so than he had ever been in a relationship, and I'll call her Ria. He was at the point where he was ready to work on himself so he could be in a long-lasting relationship, and this was a big step for Rick and I commended him for it.

Bill Simpson: 2:16

Well, as excited as Rick was about his connection with Ria, he also noticed a pattern that was very familiar to him creeping in on him, and that was his tendency to rush into relationships without allowing himself to notice the issues. That could be a problem for him, much less address them. He would ignore them and then realize hindsight you know that there were red flags. Well, after he and Ria had been dating for a few months, rick did begin to notice some habits of Ria's that annoyed him. They were seemingly small things, but they were starting to get on Rick's nerves, like leaving the kitchen cabinets open after she got something out, he said it felt like she was being inconsiderate of him and it reminded him of how his exes were in previous relationships.

Bill Simpson: 3:07

Another thing that annoyed Rick was when Ria would talk during movies or while watching TV, you know, making a funny comment or a plot prediction. Rick preferred silence and found her talking distracting. And the thing that annoyed Rick the most was when Ria would be consistently late. It drove him up the wall. He was a stickler for details and for being on time and he felt disrespected when she would be late. Now, in the past, rick said that he was quick to judge his exes and their annoying habits. He would get resentful, he would hold it against them and ultimately the relationship would go south, and he said that he didn't want the same thing to happen with Ria. And again I commended Rick's honesty and courage to work on himself. So that's what we did. We got to work and, frankly, it really came down to practicing an attitude of gratitude.

Bill Simpson: 4:07

I decided that we would take a look at the three examples Rick cited. First, was the cabinet issue no big deal, right? Well, I asked Rick what was Ria doing when she left the cabinets open? And he said that it was usually when she was making coffee or dinner. And I was like so she was doing something for you, preparing coffee or a nice meal and he was like, yeah. And then I said, well, what if you were to feel grateful that she was thinking of you and doing something nice for you? And he said that he had never thought of it that way, but that it still annoyed him that she left the cabinets open. And I got it, you know. And I said well, well, what if you were to say to Ria something like you know, I really appreciate you making coffee for me and I was wondering if you could try to remember to close the cabinet when you're done getting the coffee out? He was like, okay, I like that. And then I explained to him that offering gratitude and appreciation was a soft lead-in to confronting her about the cabinets and that way she could take it in better than if you confronted her by saying you always leave the cabinets open. You're so inconsiderate. And Rick chuckled and he agreed with me. He said that he would give it a try.

Bill Simpson: 5:30

Next was the talking during the movies and TV issue. I supported Rick in how that it would be annoying and we went a little deeper into Rick's experience of Rio when she did it and he admitted that her commentary was funny and often insightful. So I said, well, what if you just laughed along with her or acknowledged her insight and see it as a way to connect, rather than being all frustrated and reactive? And he thought about it for a minute and again, realizing that he had never thought of it that way, he said well then, I should be grateful for the connection, right? And I was like, yeah, because you're actually connecting instead of just staring at the screen in silence. And he got it. He said that it may take some time getting used to, but he got it. And that leads us to the issue that bugged Rick the most, and that was Ria being late.

Bill Simpson: 6:27

Now Rick did say that Ria had a really busy schedule and that his was more flexible. So I seized the moment to have Rick really take that in and that it made sense that she might be cutting it close or running late at times. Not that it was right necessarily, he agreed. He also said that she used the excuse that she wanted to look good for him and that's why she was late, and Rick didn't buy it and he would judge her. And that's when I asked him what if you were to have taken her at her word and appreciated that she wanted to take the time to look good for you. You know, instead of judging her that she was being disrespectful and he was like damn. And I helped him see that with an attitude of gratitude. He could see that her lateness was a sign that she cared enough that she wanted to look good for him, right?

Bill Simpson: 7:21

Now, I told him that he can be in gratitude and still ask for what he needs. Like I said with the cabinet thing, you know he could say something like I really appreciate that you want to look good for me, so take your time, and if we have to be somewhere at a certain time, like a movie or reservation, please be mindful of the time.

Bill Simpson: 7:42

Well, this whole attitude of gratitude really worked for Rick. He started to see things in a whole different light and I encouraged Rick to start journaling every morning what he was grateful for and throughout the day, if he caught himself complaining, judging or having a negative attitude, to stop and just shift his mindset to gratitude. And this applied not only to his relationship but for all aspects of his life. I also suggested the daily practice of appreciation with Rhea. This is the practice my wife and I had in our wedding vows and we do it each night. We give each other at least three appreciations each night before we go to sleep. And this is so important, especially when you're angry or feeling disconnected. It helps to shift the negative energy of the dynamic and it lends itself to more connection. Well, rick and Rhea eventually got married.

Bill Simpson: 8:41

By Rick embodying the mindset of gratitude and appreciation in dealing with adversity and challenges, he created that long-lasting relationship he so longed for. You know, his focus is now on what he loves about Rhea rather than what annoys him, which is a great lesson to us all. And to this day, rick tells me that every time he sees an open cabinet or hears Rhea's movie commentary, he just smiles and realizes how lucky he is to have Ria by his side.

Bill Simpson: 9:16

Yep, that's what it's all about. You know, when we focus on the good, the positive, that attitude of gratitude, man, life is amazing and I'm not going to lie, man, it can be very challenging. You know, our brain is so much more likely to focus on the negative than the positive or gratitude, right? So don't beat yourself up about it. Have compassion for the part of you that goes down that negativity slope. It's what we do. It's when our subconscious takes over, and the only time we can do anything about it is when we're aware that we're doing it. And once we are aware of it in our conscious mind, we shift to the attitude of gratitude. And the more the conscious mind feeds the subconscious mind with gratitude, the more positive and grateful we will be and a lot easier and enjoyable life will be. Now it takes a lot of practice and repetition to get it and let me tell you, it's worth it.

Bill Simpson: 10:15

Harville Hendricks and Helen Lakelly Hunt they're the creators of the Imago Relationship Therapy. They have this to say about gratitude in relationship. They say quote Couples who practice gratitude regularly create an environment where love can thrive because they are constantly building up each other rather than tearing each other down. I love it.

Bill Simpson: 10:40

And that's going to bring this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast to an end the Gratitude is the Best to Love podcast to an end. The gratitude is the best attitude in relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I am so grateful for you taking the time to listen. Thank you Now coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast.

Bill Simpson: 11:01

If you listen to this podcast often, you know that I talk about the importance of being vulnerable in relationship, right? You know being able to be in touch with your feelings and expressing your needs and so on. Well, what if you're too vulnerable, way too much into your feelings, to the point of being needy and playing the victim? Well, in the next episode, you'll hear Sean's story and how being too vulnerable negatively impacted his relationships and what he did about it. Please join me for Walking the Vulnerability Tightrope when there's Too Much Vulnerability in Relationship episode.

Bill Simpson: 11:37

And, as always, if you have a topic or issue or even a story you would like for me to share, I would love to hear from you. Just reach out to me on my show page or, better yet, visit my website at menonthepathtolovecom. That's menonthepathtolovecom. And during this season of light and love, what do you say? You spread more love in the world and share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.