Walking the Vulnerability Tightrope: When There is Too Much Vulnerability in Relationship*

What happens when vulnerability becomes a double-edged sword in relationships? In this episode, you'll hear Sean's story and his journey from being too vulnerable to finding balance with his vulnerability and how you can learn to express your emotions without losing yourself, a skill that can transform your connections and lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Check out the Walking the Vulnerability Tightrope: When There is Too Much Vulnerability in Relationship, episode.

*Language

Chapters

• 0:10 Balancing Vulnerability in Relationships
• 16:04 Reviving Desire in Relationships

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:10

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the walking the vulnerability tightrope when there is too much vulnerability in relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach him how to do it and how to be the best version of himself for himself and for his current or future relationship and to live the life he loves.

Bill Simpson: 0:43

Now, if you listen to this podcast on the regular, you hear me talking about vulnerability a lot. And, man, let me tell you it's so important to be vulnerable in a relationship you know, to be aware of your feelings and sharing what you feel and what you need. Vulnerability helps us to build trust, to build safety and intimacy in our relationship and, as my experience as a relationship coach and frankly, the research backs this up that a lot of men push back when it comes to being vulnerable for fear of being seen as weak, and those are the guys I coach how to become vulnerable or be more vulnerable. Now, on the other side of that coin is when guys are too vulnerable.

Bill Simpson: 1:35

Case in point I had a patient at the clinic where I work, a woman telling me about this guy she met, who was different from other guys she had dated. He was sensitive and he shared his feelings and she found him endearing. And it really was a breath of fresh air for her, because the guys she had dated in the past, you know, they kept their feelings in, except for maybe when they were angry, which is how a lot of men have been conditioned, right. Well, after a couple of months his behavior stopped being endearing. She started noticing the red flags, like when he was jealous of the affection she showed her dog, saying you love your dog more than you love me. And when she would set a boundary he wouldn't honor the boundary. Love me. And when she would set a boundary he wouldn't honor the boundary. And the stronger the boundary she put up, he would become obsessive. She would block his phone number and he would call her from someone else's phone. She blocked him from her social media and he would still find a way to reach her. And her biggest fear was that he would commit suicide because he had threatened to do so and, for those who don't know, that's very aggressive behavior. So she threatened to call the police if he contacted her again and last I heard he backed off.

Bill Simpson: 2:59

Now, obviously, this is an extreme example of being way too vulnerable, you know, to the point of being emotionally dysregulated. You know that being passive-aggressively violent and potentially causing mental, emotional or even result in physical harm due to the trauma of his behavior. So, with vulnerability being so important in relationship, the key here is balance. It's finding that happy medium of, like I said, expressing your feelings and your needs and also being self-aware, regulating your emotions and maintaining your own sense of self and independence, and seeing the strength and courage it takes to be vulnerable and having the confidence in knowing that you are deepening your connection, no matter what the relationship is, and doing it without losing yourself in the process. And this is likely to be a learned behavior for most of us, and it certainly was for me and for most of the men I've coached.

Bill Simpson: 4:08

And it was true for one client in particular, named Sean not his real name. Even though Sean had a big, tough exterior, he was a very sensitive soul and he had a big heart and when he loved soul and he had a big heart and when he loved man, he loved hard, 110%. And when he met Sheila not her real name he fell for her right away, and she fell for him too, because he had this strong and masculine physique, and yet he was gentle and caring and vulnerable. Over time, though, his vulnerability became an issue with Sheila. It was really his insecurity. You know he would get jealous a lot. He would text her at work several times a day, to the point where it was annoying and distracting to Sheila. He whined and complained often and blaming her for when things didn't go his way that had nothing to do with her. And when Sheila would call him on his shit, he would cry and beg for forgiveness and promise never to do it again.

Bill Simpson: 5:13

Well, one day, when Sean was doing his crying and begging thing, sheila, feeling overwhelmed with having to feel responsible for Sean's feelings, yelled at him and said Listen, I can't take this shit. I feel like I'm dealing with a 10-year-old. Throw the fuck up or I'm out of here. Well, this cut Sean deep and it caused something to wake up inside of him. He knew she was right and he didn't want to lose her, so he realized that he had to do something. And that's when I came into the picture.

Bill Simpson: 5:49

When Sean described to me all the things I just mentioned, I couldn't help but wonder what his childhood must have been like. But before we got into all that, I supported him and validated his feelings, his fears and anxiety about losing Sheila and how ashamed he was about how he behaved. And we started with self-compassion for all that he had been through. And while we were going through this self-compassion process that I coached my clients on, he said to me you know, bill, my mom was abusive and as a kid I was terrified of her. Do you think that has something to do with how I am with Sheila? I was blown away with how Sean came to that conclusion on his own and I told him that it certainly could be, you know, because usually what we grow up with we end up repeating in relationships unless we have the awareness or get some help.

Bill Simpson: 6:50

Well, Sean and I talked about it and we did some deeper self-compassion work on how hard it must have been for him to grow up under those conditions and I let him know that it was definitely okay to cry and to nurture that part of him and to find balance in how much he cried or shared with Sheila and what was appropriate, you know, asking himself is this something I can work out on my own versus going to her with this childlike need for assurance or for her to take care of him. Well, after hearing that, he got it, and once he had a strong sense of compassion for himself, we worked on moving forward. In spite of his past. He set a goal that he was determined to heal and grow.

Bill Simpson: 7:39

So we worked on mindfulness strategies to help in how he responded to his thoughts and emotions. We worked on his self-image you know how he saw himself and how he wanted to see himself moving forward. We worked on communication skills and setting boundaries for himself and with Sheila, and over time I could see Sean's confidence growing, and Sheila could too. And through all the ups and downs of what it's like to, you know, to grow and to change, sean persevered and continues to this day to take responsibility for his actions and behaviors and his emotions, still being vulnerable and keeping that scared little boy inside of him in check with compassion and staying committed to his growth to be the best version of himself period. So here, in the case of Sean, all it took was some awareness, especially thanks to Sheila and his desire to change, and, of course, some help and lots of practice along the way. And yet, with this new sense of confidence and understanding of himself, he created that healthy balance with his vulnerability. Now, who knows, with the other guy I mentioned at the beginning of the show, you know, hopefully one day he'll get it.

Bill Simpson: 9:05

So if you think you may be too vulnerable in your relationship, I'm going to share some ways for you to find that balance, just like I did with Sean. First is to determine what being too vulnerable looks like and the impact it can have on your relationship. Well, I've pretty much told you already. You know from the behaviors I described in both of my stories like being way too needy. You know being insecure, excessive crying, being emotionally dependent on your spouse or partner and not making your own decisions and not taking care of yourself, and all this can play out with feelings of jealousy, resentment, contempt and so on. So the impact of being too vulnerable can be detrimental to the relationship. And you know as much as women, especially in a heterosexual relationship, as much as they want and can appreciate vulnerability from their man, when it's too much, when it's excessive, they can often feel overwhelmed with these feelings of being responsible for his feelings, you know, or being too relied upon.

Bill Simpson: 10:16

And frankly, fellas, it ain't sexy. When it's too much or excessive and I think that's the fear that a lot of men have is that any type of vulnerability may be perceived that way, you know, as too much or excessive, and it's certainly understandable because of our conditioning. And again, balance is the key.

Bill Simpson: 10:39

So to keep that balance, start working on your self-awareness. Think about how your past and how you grew up may impact how you are in relationship now or how you were in previous relationships. Notice your familiar patterns and what triggers you emotionally and take responsibility for them. Practicing mindfulness, self-compassion and doing some journaling can help with this. And if you don't have that awareness but you know something's not quite right, then get some help. And, as I mentioned in the beginning, a lot of this is learned behavior. So be open to learning and to grow you know. Learn how to express and regulate your emotions appropriately and set boundaries for yourself when it comes to your emotions.

Bill Simpson: 11:28

Ask yourself, like I did with Sean, can I deal with this myself first or do I really need her support? And if you do, be clear as to what that support looks like. Is it to listen, to have her help you solve a problem, or whatever it is? Get clarity first, so you can take that to her, you know, and then learn to pause and reflect before reacting emotionally. Again, mindfulness can help with this, you know, reframing your negative thoughts to a more positive perspective can help, you know, catching yourself before you say something you might regret, and self-compassion I keep saying it that can help too, you know, with soothing yourself, taking care of yourself. And, again, journaling, as I mentioned, and exercise, meditating any healthy way to de-stress can help you.

Bill Simpson: 12:24

Work on having a sense of your own autonomy and identity so you're not solely relying on your spouse or partner or the relationship to define you. Relationships do so much better when each of you have a strong identity and sense of independence outside the relationship. Learn to communicate in a way that shows you are balanced with your vulnerability. You know, my go-to is I feel I need, for example, I feel disrespected when you talk to me like that and I need you to talk to me in a respectful way or something like that.

Bill Simpson: 13:03

And attitude, man attitude can play a big part too. And guys forget about how we've been conditioned from society as men. You know, when you come from a place of confidence, of self-awareness, being self-assured in your vulnerability, know your own courage and strength in being vulnerable and seeing it as a good thing. And most of the guys I've talked to who have been too vulnerable say they feel a lot of shame around it. And when they discover their own strength and courage in their vulnerability and that it deepens connection and that it's not weakness, they come across in a whole different way and, fellas, that's sexy.

Bill Simpson: 13:49

All right, and I'm going to say it again If you're struggling to do this on your own, then by all means get some help. Find a coach, a therapist, counselor, someone to help you through this, so you can find the inner strength and courage you have to be the best you for you and for your current or future relationship, your current or future relationship and, as I say, live the life you love. Now I can't overemphasize the importance of being vulnerable in relationship. It's so essential for deepening intimacy, building trust and overall connection. And by having that healthy, balanced attitude about your vulnerability, you know of being self-aware, of increasing your emotional intelligence, your EQ, being open to grow and heal from any underlying issues getting in the way. When you do all this, you're setting yourself up for a successful long-term relationship and a successful life as well.

Bill Simpson: 14:57

All right. So here's a quote from an author and researcher who has done a lot of work around vulnerability, brene Brown, and I've quoted her before. She says quote vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It's not about oversharing or unloading emotions without boundaries. Balance is the key. Unquote. And on that note I will close out this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast the walking the vulnerability tightrope when there's too much vulnerability in relationship. Episode.

Bill Simpson: 15:33

Now, coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, let's talk about sex. What do you do when you've been with the same person for a long time and the person you found to be so sexy at one point in your relationship and now not so much? What do you do? Well, that was the dilemma Tom had and frankly, it can be quite common in relationship. I share Tom's story and what he did about it and what you can do about it.

Bill Simpson: 16:04

If you don't find your spouse or partner sexy anymore, please join me for the sexy again how to rekindle the desire for your spouse or partner episode. Now if you have something in mind you'd like for me to talk about, maybe an issue in your relationship, please let me know. You can reach me from my show page or, even better, go to my website, menonthepathtolovecom, where you can sign up for a free coaching session with me and much more. Again, that's menonthepathtolovecom, and if you believe in love and would like to see more of it in the world, then by all means share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.