Sexy Again: How to Rekindle the Desire for Your Spouse or Partner

Rediscover the passion in your long-term relationship with insights from this episode. You'll hear the compelling story of Tom who faced the all-too-common struggle of rekindling the spark after 18 years of marriage. You'll also get some practical strategies for addressing your own relationship challenges,  to help reignite the passion and desire with your spouse or partner. Whether you're struggling with similar issues or simply looking to enhance your romantic connection, this episode provides valuable lessons and inspiration to help you on your journey. Check out the Sexy Again: How to Rekindle the Desire for Your Spouse or Partner, episode.

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:03

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the sexy again how to rekindle the desire for your spouse or partner episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach him how to do it and how to be the best version of himself for himself and for his current or future relationship, and to live the life he loves.

Bill Simpson: 0:39

So I was at this gathering a while back where I met a guy who I'll call Tom, not his real name, of course. He was, I think, in his late 40s. He was this friendly guy you know. He was having an easy time talking with other folks at the gathering and when he found out that I was a relationship coach for men, he was really interested in talking with me and we were having a nice conversation when he got pretty vulnerable with me and was like, look, bill, I don't usually talk about this stuff, but since you're a relationship coach, maybe you could help me here. And I was like, yeah, sure, you know I was open to what he had to say and he was telling me you know, I love my wife Tamika not her real name. He said that they had been married for over 18 years and that she was his rock, but that he didn't feel that same physical spark anymore. You know, he said he wanted to, but it just wasn't there. And he said that they'd only had sex, like you know, every few months or maybe a special occasion. And he said he'd like to change it. But he admitted that he rarely initiated it. And he was even saying that he found himself noticing and looking at younger women more and more, and even though he'd never act on it, he just wished he could feel that way or in the way he used to feel towards Tamika. And again he asked me if I could help him. At that point I just said, look, let's set up a discovery call and see if I was a fit for him. And well, it turned out it was, and we got to work.

Bill Simpson: 2:18

Now the first thing I mentioned to him, even at the gathering, is that we're not always going to be attracted to or even feel love towards our spouse or partner at all times, and it's really thinking about the long term of the relationship, and what do you need to sustain that? So then we worked on how he was feeling about himself. I helped Tom explore his own self-image and he told me that he had gained like 30 pounds over the years and that he felt self-conscious about his body, aging and everything. And with the awareness of his own self-consciousness, I posed to him that Tamika might be feeling that way too. And he was like about me and I said, well, maybe, or maybe she was feeling that way about herself, you know, feeling self-conscious. I also got him to think about the possibility of if how he felt about himself had anything to do with how he was feeling about Tamika, about her not being attractive. And he was like, hmm, how can I feel attracted to her when I don't even feel good about myself? And I was like, yep, and he took it in. So that's when we worked on self-compassion, you know, like being kind to himself like he would to someone he cares about.

Bill Simpson: 3:44

I coached him how to reframe his inner critic and be more accepting of his imperfections, while making an effort to grow and improve himself. And as Tom became more self-aware, I encouraged him to have a heart-to-heart with Tamika about where things were and how he felt, you know. And I coached him on mindful communications before he did talk to Tamika. You know how to hold space for Tamika's feelings without getting defensive to validate her feelings and talk about his own fears and needs in a non-judgmental way his own fears and needs in a non-judgmental way and he got to where he felt pretty confident going in and the talk went well. He said, and he found out something that he didn't realize.

Bill Simpson: 4:31

Tamika said that she noticed how Tom was looking at other women when she was with him and she was saying how she felt invisible to him and that it hurt her deeply. And his impulse you know his go-to was to get defensive. But he said that he paused and actually took her in and she went on and admitted that you know that it didn't help, that she was feeling self-conscious about how her body had aged, especially after having three kids, and she said that she was going to go back to taking her yoga classes and start eating better. Well, tom told me how bad he felt about how hurt Tamika was and that, even though he felt bad, he was starting to feel closer to Tamika and actually found her more attractive. She had shared with Tom that she had been longing for more physical intimacy and then they both decided that they wanted to work on that to make it happen.

Bill Simpson: 5:37

So I gave them some homework to help them to get the spark back, and the first was to practice non-sexual touch, you know, like holding hands, giving each other hugs, back and shoulder rubs, even kissing, but without it leading to sex. The whole idea is to gradually bring in physical intimacy, which helps to build trust and create anticipation. I shared a couple of meditations that I recorded for the Insight Timer app to help them connect with why they fell in love in the first place and how to connect in the moment. Then I told them about a thing called sensory exploration. Now, this is where couples explore physical intimacy through various types of touch, like giving each other back rubs or massages, you know, taking turns, blindfolding each other, you know, to heighten their senses. Or they could just lie down together and share how the different touches felt, and again, without the expectation of sex. Now, the funny thing is, even though they weren't supposed to have sex, they had sex which is very common with this exercise, by the way and the spark was definitely lit.

Bill Simpson: 7:02

Now, another thing I encouraged them to do was to schedule regular date nights, you know, and be more spontaneous as well, and, by all means have fun, and I also encouraged them to talk more and have meaningful conversations and have meaningful conversations. Well, over time, their sex life blossomed. It really did, no longer limited to, you know, every few months or special occasions, it was a regular thing with them, like once or twice a week, and Tom shared that he still noticed younger women, but that the pull wasn't there because of what he had with Tamika was so much more fulfilling to him and that they were closer than they had ever been. Well, tom had come to see Tamika in a new light, and it was really as he became more and more confident and connected with himself that he found Tamika to be more attractive. Go figure, tamika also began feeling more confident, knowing that Tom saw her and that he desired her.

Bill Simpson: 8:10

Tom's story is a testament to the power of having self-awareness, effective communication and his commitment to growth. And by addressing his own insecurities, being mindful of how he was showing up in his marriage and taking responsibility for it, Tom was able to transform himself and his marriage. So let's take a look at the process of how you can rekindle the spark in your marriage or relationship. If you're feeling like the flame is starting to fade Now, the first thing to do is to take a look at yourself. You know, one of my main mantras is I'm the problem and I'm the solution, right? So instead of right out of the gate focusing on your spouse or partner's flaws, take a look at yourself. How do you feel about yourself? Are you projecting your own feelings about yourself onto your spouse or partner? Tom was able to see himself doing that. How about you? Think about it.

Bill Simpson: 9:20

And another thing is if you're noticing that you're being hard on yourself, turn your focus to self-compassion. You know, every time you're about to, or you catch yourself beating yourself up. Stop and just reject that thought, dismiss it. And I know it's hard, and I know self-compassion can be challenging, because we tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others. Yet having compassion for yourself is so important, and something I've been doing for a long time is every morning, I write down 10 things I love about myself, even the part of me that struggles, and I invite you to try it and repeat it every day, every day, and love yourself, because the most important relationship you have is the relationship you have with yourself, and when you love yourself, you'll probably see your spouse or partner in a whole different light, like Tom did.

Bill Simpson: 10:23

Now, next is to talk about it Communicate, using mindful communication strategies like reflective listening, being empathetic and vulnerable to express what you feel and need, making sure that you both feel seen and heard. It's so important, and when that happens, you're much more likely to see each other in a more favorable or even sexier light. And maybe a part of having that talk is that you can talk about you both working on your personal growth and overall health and wellness. Now, hopefully, by just doing what I've mentioned so far, you'll start to experience a shift in how you see your spouse or partner. So here's where the fun stuff comes in. You know like rediscovering yourselves. You know remembering why you fell in love in the first place.

Bill Simpson: 11:21

You know doing the non-sexual touch thing, like holding hands, giving each other hugs and kisses without expecting sex. And then you can try the sensory exploration technique, like I did with Tom and Tamika. The sensory exploration technique, like I did with Tom and Tamika. You know taking it slow, giving each other massages, back rubs. You know doing that whole taking turns, blindfolding each other thing to heighten each other's senses and then to talk about how the different touches feel. Was that good or not, so good or neutral, Take note of what works and what doesn't work. And again, it's doing this without the expectation of sex. Now, if by chance you have sex, cool, just make sure it's a mutual decision. And if one of you doesn't want to, then respect the boundary. Respect each other, because after all, the expectation is not to right, it's just to create that intimacy through the senses.

Bill Simpson: 12:27

I also mentioned in Tom's story was having regular date nights. You know, do it on the regular and have meaningful conversations, explore new interests together, stuff that you can both get into and find ways to have fun. Life's too short, man. Find something in common that you can have fun with. So these are just some basic ways to help you rekindle the flame in your relationship, and if you want more, I suggest exploring on your own. There are plenty of techniques and options out here. And, better yet, reach out for help through couples counseling, sex counseling, coaching. All those kind of things are out there for you Now.

Bill Simpson: 13:14

I truly believe that the more you focus on your own personal growth and learn to love yourself, you will see your spouse or partner and anyone else for that matter in a much better light. It all starts with you and I will say, if you feel like you've tried everything you can and you still don't feel attracted to your spouse or partner, and you've gotten all the help around it, it's okay to stop your suffering and move on. All right, okay, I'm going to share a quote I found about rekindling the spark in relationship. It's by the author of the book the Five Love Languages, gary Chapman, who I've referenced before. He says, quote physical connection starts with the emotional connection. When you feel seen, heard and valued, the spark ignites, naturally. Unquote, and I'll add to that make sure you see, hear and value yourself first. And that will do it for another episode of the men on the path to love podcast, the sexy again how to rekindle the desire for your spouse or partner episode. My name is bill simpson, thank you for listening.

Bill Simpson: 14:37

Now coming up on the next episode of the men on the path to love podcast. It will be the last episode of 2024. So I thought I would do something I've never done before and that is to review the top 10 topics of the year according to how many downloads the episode got. And you know, one of the best ways to learn is through repetition. So reviewing the top 10 topics can only reinforce what you can do to be the best version of yourself for yourself and for your current or future relationship. So please join me for the Year on the Path to Love, the Top 10 Topics for 2024 episode and, as always, if you have a topic you'd like for me to cover, please tell me. You can reach me from my show page or go to my website, menonthepathtolovecom. That's menonthepathtolovecom, and during this holiday season, it's all about sharing the love, right? So again, do your part and share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.