New Year, New Us: Setting Relationship Goals Together

Imagine transforming the way you approach New Year's resolutions by setting relationship goals as a couple. In this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast you'll hear Ukie and Uma's story and how they became masters of New Year's resolutions and goal-setting as a couple, and strengthened their relationship. Find out how you can strengthen yours as well.  I'll also give you some tips on how to make your resolutions and goal-setting stick better. Check out the New Year, New Us: Setting Relationship Goals Together, episode.

Chapters

• 0:00 Setting Relationship Goals Together
• 11:25 The Appreciation Situation

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:00

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the New Year, new Us Setting Relationship Goals Together episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach him how to do it and how to be the best version of himself, for himself and for his current or future relationship, and to live the life he loves.

Bill Simpson: 0:31

So welcome to a new year and a new opportunity to make changes and to grow to be the best version of yourself. You know it's a traditional time of making New Year's resolutions, right? Well, I did a little research on those resolutions and I find it quite interesting. One study found that only about 8% of those making New Year's resolutions actually keep them. Another study shows that about 75% keep their resolutions for the first week and by the end of the month month it goes down to about 65%. Other studies suggest that only 20 to 30% maintain some of their resolutions by the year's end. Well, despite these findings showing that the likelihood of success is relatively low, those who do make resolutions are still 10 times more likely to make changes than those who don't set any goals at all. Makes sense right. So there's still hope to make those resolutions and positive changes in your life.

Bill Simpson: 1:37

Now I'm going to get into what you can do to make those resolutions stick a little better, but first I want to share Yuki and Uma's story Not their real names. They've been married for I think like five years now, and they have a tradition where they take the week between Christmas and New Year's to set goals and, as they put it, versus resolutions for the upcoming year, and they say it's been very helpful. They actually started this tradition before they got married. It all started after they got engaged, while in their senior year in college. Yuki was an engineering major and was all about planning. Uma loved it because, even though planning was good for her, she had a hard time doing it, and doing it together with Yuki was a win-win for her. So, anyway, while on Christmas break, they decided to take some time to plan out the upcoming events for the following year, two major ones their graduation and their wedding. Yuki said that by planning in advance, it made those two milestone events much less stressful and easier to manage, and that's when it became a tradition for them. Now they've got it down to a science. They start with some self-reflection and they set goals that they want to accomplish together as a couple, as well as their individual goals.

Bill Simpson: 3:01

Now, to keep this long story short, I'm just going to focus on their mutual goals as a couple. They actually break it down into categories. Now, I know this sounds extra, but remember, yuki is an engineer and it's just how his brain works. So the first category is the more pragmatic stuff, and this would include events like from when they first started planning their graduation and wedding. These could be vacations, holiday celebrations, birthdays and so on.

Bill Simpson: 3:34

Another pragmatic goal is about finances making a budget for the next year, looking at the possibility of big-ticket items they may have to purchase, like a car or appliances, expenses around maintaining their home, how much debt they accumulated, how much they want to save for their emergency fund or invest in the future, what charities they want to donate to or volunteer for. They also look at their health and wellness goals making sure they've scheduled or plan to schedule their annual checkups and dental cleanings, maybe goals to exercise together, or how they can improve on what they eat, maybe planning healthier meals together, and so on.

Bill Simpson: 4:19

Then they take a look at their relationship. They look at what worked over the past year and what didn't work and how to improve what didn't work. Things like communication, spending quality time together, how to handle conflicts better, how to improve intimacy and what goes on in the bedroom, you know, keeping that romantic spark alive. And the last category is setting goals for the family. That would include planning a family right or being prepared for an unexpected family, perhaps it happens right Setting goals for their kids' education and activities, summer camp, etc. And, as I mentioned, they also have their own personal goals that they set. Now, to a lot of you this may sound like a lot, and for most people it is, but for Yuki and Uma it is well worth the extra effort because it pays off significantly in the long run, helping to sustain the long term of their relationship, which their commitment is all about.

Bill Simpson: 5:29

So what do you think? Do you think setting goals together for the new year is a good idea? I'm telling you, it is my wife and I do something similar to what Yuki and Uma do. We set basic goals that we envision us achieving together, and our individual goals as well. Then we create a vision board. This is where we cut out pictures and words from magazines or print images from our computer that inspire us or reflect our goals and vision. You know images and words that evoke emotions, that get us emotionally involved. And we get a big piece of foam board and we glue the images and words on the board. Then we place it where we see it every day and it reminds us to focus on where we're going. It keeps us motivated and we usually manifest most, if not all, of what we envision.

Bill Simpson: 6:26

So the bottom line in setting goals or resolutions together is that it can definitely help to strengthen your relationship. The hard part is keeping them right. The research I mentioned earlier shows that it's hard to keep resolutions. Well, first of all it's knowing how your brain works when it comes to making changes. It does not want to change, it wants what we're used to and, with most of our behaviors being subconscious, you know our patterns that we've established over the years. Our subconscious brain basically runs the show and when we have a conscious thought that we want to change, the subconscious will accept it. Yet if you don't reinforce the subconscious with repetition of your conscious thoughts, it will go back to doing what we're familiar with our old patterns. So this is why resolutions can be so hard to keep. You know we fall off our diets or or we stop going to the gym and so on. So to really change requires having clarity of what you really want, what you desire, and it's about being disciplined, with lots of repetition, consistently using your conscious brain to feed your subconscious to where it finally develops a new habit. Now this can take at least 30 days, if not 60 days, of constant reinforcement.

Bill Simpson: 7:53

The key is consistency. So how do you stay consistent? Well, decide that you are committed to doing what it takes. Have an accountability partner. You know someone to be accountable to as you take steps to achieve your goal, and the beauty of setting goals and resolutions together is you have a built-in accountability partner each other.

Bill Simpson: 8:16

Right Now. Make sure you're not using your goals to beat each other up when the other isn't doing their part. You know it's about encouraging and inspiring each other for the common goal. Remember, you're in this together for the good of the relationship, for the long term, not to use it as a way to tear each other down, and trust me, I've seen it happen, and the same thing is true for your individual goals. And the same thing is true for your individual goals. Don't beat yourself up when you slack off or drop the ball. Give yourself some grace and simply get back on track as soon as possible.

Bill Simpson: 8:52

Stay committed, and you can always tell what you're committed to by what you're doing or not doing. If you're doing something other than what's going to help you achieve your goal or resolution, then that's what you're committed to, not your goal or resolution. Make sense? I hope so. Supporting each other is so important in achieving your goals and keeping your resolutions, and having different types of reminders available throughout the day can help you like creating a vision board, like my wife and I do. That's one way, and then take a picture of your vision board and make it your home screen for your phone, your tablet or your computer, or all of them.

Bill Simpson: 9:36

Meditate or envision for at least five minutes a day on what it would feel like to accomplish your goal or to keep your resolution, on what it would feel like to accomplish your goal or to keep your resolution and use all of your senses here. You know what would it feel like, look like, sound like, even what would it taste like or smell like when you achieve your goal. Think about it and this may sound crazy, but both of you set reminder alarms on your phone three times a day to reinforce your goal. Yeah, I'm telling you, it's effective. It really is, and it's something I do every day and again.

Bill Simpson: 10:13

Repetition is the key, you know, to get that subconscious on board. And anything you can do to reinforce your goal on a consistent basis will increase your chances of achieving your goal or keeping your resolution. And it may seem like a lot of work and effort and it is. Yet, like Yuki and Uma said and demonstrated, it is well worth the effort. And if you need help with keeping your resolutions or achieving your goals, reach out to me. I'd be glad to help you.

Bill Simpson: 10:48

I'm going to close out this episode with a quote from psychologist and relationship expert, Esther Perel. She says, " When two people work towards something together, they're no longer just lovers, they're teammates, builders and dreamers." Yeah, so make those resolutions together, go and live the life you want, you love. And that's going to bring an end to this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the New Year, new Us Setting Relationship Goals Together episode.

Bill Simpson: 11:23

I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I thank you for listening.

Bill Simpson: 11:27

Now coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, I'll be addressing one of the biggest issues I hear from men in relationship and that is they don't feel appreciated enough for who they are and what they do.

Bill Simpson: 11:41

You'll hear Vic's story and how he didn't feel appreciated in his relationship and what he did about it and what you can do about it if you don't feel appreciated enough in your relationship. So please join me for the Appreciation Situation how to Get the Recognition you Deserve in Relationship episode.

Bill Simpson: 12:03

And please know that I'm always open for suggestions for this podcast. If you have any suggestion or ideas how to make it better, topics you'd like for me to cover, or maybe an issue you're having in your relationship, please contact me by going to my show page or, better yet, my website, menonthepathtolove. com, and you can set up a free coaching session while you're there. That's menonthepathtolove. com.

Bill Simpson: 12:33

And as we bring in a new year and new beginnings, let's do the world some good by spreading more love, and one way to do that is by sharing the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.