Appreciation Situation: How to Get the Recognition You Deserve in Relationship*

One of the biggest issues men have in relationship is that they feel undervalued or unappreciated. In this episode I talk about the essential role of appreciation in relationships. I share Vic's story and how he didn't feel appreciated in his relationship and what he did about it, and what you can do if you feel unappreciated in your relationship. Check out the Appreciation Situation: How to Get the Recognition You Deserve in Relationship, episode.
* Language

Chapters

• 0:13 The Power of Appreciation in Relationships
• 15:09 Men on Love Podcast Promotion

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:13

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast. The appreciation situation how to get the recognition you deserve. In relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach him how to do it and how to be the best version of himself for himself and for his current or future relationship and to live the life he loves your relationship and to live the life he loves.

Bill Simpson: 0:51

So one of the biggest complaints or issues I've heard men talk about is how they don't feel appreciated enough in their relationship and frankly, it can be hard to feel connected with your partner or spouse if you don't feel appreciated right. Well, I did a whole episode on appreciation, the first season of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, episode nine, and a story that I told in that episode and a story that I mentioned a lot on this podcast is how my wife and I put in our wedding vows that we say at least three appreciations to each other every night before we go to sleep, even when we're away from each other or if we're really tired, we'll say something like I appreciate everything you do. Times three. That's how important appreciation is to us, and the research is clear that appreciation is a win-win process. Well, it doesn't take a genius to figure that out. You know it's good for the person being appreciated, obviously. Know it's good for the person being appreciated, obviously, and it's even better for the person doing the appreciation. It puts us in a more positive mindset when we appreciate others or have a gratitude mindset.

Bill Simpson: 1:58

Now, going back to men not feeling appreciated enough in relationship, it brings to mind Vic and Vicky's story, not their real names. Vic was referred to me for some mind-body support at the health clinic where I work. He was struggling with anxiety and he had some depression and, man, he was full of complaints. He was having issues at work with his supervisor treating him unfairly and he said that his girlfriend, vicki, was on him all the time about what he wasn't doing or wasn't doing right and he felt like he was doing a lot of good stuff, yet she hardly ever appreciated him for anything.

Bill Simpson: 2:40

Well, I supported Vic and how hard it must have been having his boss and his girlfriend on him all the time that he couldn't get a break from work or at home and he was like, yeah, man, that's the story of my life. And when he said that, I asked him to tell me more you know, more about his life and how he grew up. And if he felt unappreciated growing up and he was like 100% he said that with his dad he could never do anything right, no matter how hard he tried, it just wasn't good enough and he would voluntarily do something around the house, you know, without his dad having to ask, only to be criticized about it. And when I asked him about his mother, he said that she was similar and that she was always on him about stuff, what he wasn't doing, and never once appreciated him for what he was doing. So after hearing this, it all made sense to me. You know why he said it was the story of his life.

Bill Simpson: 3:43

And through this realization I was able to get Vic to see that there was a deep pattern established of him not feeling appreciated. And most of the time, you know, we bring our old family patterns into our relationships and even recreate the dynamic in our relationships Because it's familiar and we tend to gravitate to what's familiar. Well, the good news here was that Vic was able to understand where I was coming from. He recognized the pattern and he said that he wanted to break the pattern. So we got to work and the first thing was doing the self-compassion work. His feelings of being unappreciated ran deep and he had internalized what he was getting externally you know the feedback from his parents that he could never do anything right, that there was always something he wasn't doing. You know. And he said he got the same feedback a lot in school. So he figured it was just him.

Bill Simpson: 4:44

So I had to get him to see that in order to break the pattern that he would have to be aware or be mindful of when he was having those thoughts and feelings of being underappreciated. I told him that it would take a lot of repetition, a lot of practice, to change that old narrative, the old story. And I gave him an exercise to do, and that was every morning, to write down ten things he loves about himself and ten things he appreciates or is grateful for. And he was like, really I can't even think of one. And that made my heart sink because I could see how deep his wound was. Well, he kept at it and slowly but surely he started feeling better about himself. He said that Vicki noticed the change in him too. So we ended up getting Vicki involved and she was all for it. She actually apologized to Vic for not appreciating him enough and she loved the idea of the appreciation exercise and she agreed to do it with him every day and she said that she was actually feeling underappreciated too.

Bill Simpson: 5:58

Now, with both of them having the awareness to notice and appreciate each other, it made a huge difference in the dynamic of their relationship. And Vic said that it kind of felt weird at first and at times he resisted and not trusting the process fully because he wasn't used to it. Well, over time he did get more and more used to it and now he says, whenever he feels unappreciated, that he checks in with himself, you know, with self-compassion, and he gives himself appreciation, no longer a victim of his need to be appreciated externally in the way he did before, you know, and giving appreciations to Vicki helped him too, recognizing that it goes both ways and that giving and receiving appreciations is definitely a win-win.

Bill Simpson: 6:52

So you can see from Vic and Vicki's story the power of appreciation, right, you know. And when men don't feel appreciated by their spouse or partner, that they suffer, and we all suffer when we don't feel appreciated and especially when we feel like we're giving so much, you know, and we don't get recognized for it. I get it.

Bill Simpson: 7:14

I've been in that situation in relationship and it sucks. And the truth is we can either fall victim to it or we can take action to do something about it. And Vic had been playing the victim most of his life and he really was a victim because how he was raised by his parents and even how he was treated in school, and it wasn't until he got help that he took action not to be the victim that he was as a child and to empower himself. You know, transforming from victim to victor. So I invite you to ask yourself do I want to be the victim or victor?

Bill Simpson: 7:56

Now, to be the victor in not feeling appreciated in your relationship is to have the awareness or mindfulness that you feel underappreciated. You accept that thought or feeling and then take action based on what's important to you, your values and how your best self would like to respond. Now, I almost always recommend that you take a look at yourself first. You know. Ask yourself is what or any of what she is saying true or valid? What do I need to feel appreciated? Am I appreciating myself? Am I appreciating her. So it's getting some clarity as to what may be going on for you internally that you're reacting to so strongly to what's going on externally, like being criticized. And if what she is saying has any grain of truth to it, then own it, take responsibility for it.

Bill Simpson: 8:58

And when you're clear about what's going on with you internally and you're clear about what you need when confronting your spouse or partner, before you talk about it, ask yourself how would my best self confront her? How would I want to be approached or confronted about this? You know, instead of saying "all this shit I do for you and all I get from you are complaints and criticism, how about appreciating me? Sometimes bitch, okay. Now that might be a little extreme, but you get the idea. You might want to try a more vulnerable approach where you emphasize how you feel and what you need. When you take responsibility for your own shit and make yourself vulnerable. She just might appreciate you more.

Bill Simpson: 9:47

So when you're in a calm place, when you're chill, that's the time to talk about it and you can say something. Like you know, I can appreciate that you feel frustrated when I don't do something that you ask me to do or that I don't do it right. You know I need to work on that and I apologize. So that's owning it and it's also supporting her and how she may feel, which helps to open the door for her to receive your confrontation. Then you can say something like "and not but and I feel frustrated when I hear you complain about what I don't do and I need you to, or I would like you to, or I would appreciate it if you were to recognize the things I do do. So there's your I feel I need statement,

Bill Simpson: 10:37

And then the last part would be saying something like and if you ever feel unappreciated, please tell me, because I don't want you to feel that way. I do appreciate you. So if we put all that together, it would be something like I can appreciate that you feel frustrated when I don't do something you asked me to do, or that I didn't do it right, and I feel frustrated when I hear you complain about what I don't do and I need you, or I would like you, to recognize the things I do do, and if you ever feel unappreciated, please tell me, because I don't want you to feel that way. I do appreciate you. Now, obviously, you can use your own here, o kay? The, the main thing is to come with the intention of supporting her first. Then you confront her with I feel I need and then support her afterwards by recognizing the part of you that does it or may do it too.

Bill Simpson: 11:35

Now, that's pretty deep, and if you would like to try another way to get more recognition or appreciation, this is a more passive way, yet it may work better for you. It could be saying something like"You you know, babe, I realize I haven't shown you much appreciation lately and I just want to appreciate you for and you fill in the blank and then you can say something like you know, "I I heard about this exercise where we give each other three appreciations every day as a way to help us feel closer. I'd like to try it and I was wondering how you feel about it. Now, if she responds with something like nah, that's so corny, I don't want to do that every day. In other words, if your spouse or partner resists giving you appreciation, then that may be a sign there's something deeper going on in the relationship and you might want to seek help.

Bill Simpson: 12:34

Okay, so just to recap, how to get more recognition from your spouse or partner make sure A that you check yourself . Be honest with yourself and see if what she says has any validity. Is it true or even a grain of truth in there? Accept responsibility for it. If it is true or valid, don't play the victim. Have compassion and appreciation for yourself. Get clear about what you feel and need or want. Then talk about it. Let her know how you feel and what you need to get the recognition or appreciation you deserve. And give her the appreciation or recognition she deserves.

Bill Simpson: 13:21

And please try that appreciation exercise. It really does work. That's saying three appreciations to each other every day, even when or especially when you are angry or frustrated. It can help you feel more connected. And if she resists, please get some help. Who wouldn't want to give appreciations to the person you love? Right, all right.

Bill Simpson: 13:48

I'm going to wrap up this episode with a quote from motivational speaker Tony Robbins. He says, " teach others how to treat you. Men need to model respect and appreciation for themselves and their partners to cultivate mutual recognition. Unquote. I appreciate that sentiment, tony. Thank you,

Bill Simpson: 14:13

And that will do it for another episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the appreciation situation how to get the recognition you deserve in relationship episode. I hope you found this helpful. My name is Bill Simpson. I thank you for listening.

Bill Simpson: 14:30

Now, coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, I received an email from someone the other day suggesting doing a show about codependency. I got to thinking that even though I've done shows on losing yourself in relationship, you know being true to yourself and mentioning codependency here and there, but I never did a full episode on it. So guess, guess what the next episode is all about? Codependency! I'll share Will's story and the impact codependency had on his relationship. Please join me for the Understanding Codependency in Relationship episode. Thanks for the suggestion, by the way.

Bill Simpson: 15:12

And if you have a suggestion for the podcast, I want to hear it. You can reach me from my home page or you can contact me from my website, menonthepathtolove. com. That's menonthepathtolove. com. Now, for those of you who don't know, I am on a love mission and for my love mission to grow, I want everyone to know about the Men on the Path to Love podcast. So please share the link to this podcast and share the love, and until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.