Understanding Codependency in Relationship

In this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, you will hear Will's story. On the surface his relationship seemed perfect but it hid the deeper issue of codependency.  Find out what codependency is and discover practical strategies to overcome it and how to create an authentic relationship beyond codependency. Check out the Understanding Codependency in Relationship, episode. 

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:09

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the codependency in relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach him how to do it and how to be the best version of himself for himself and for his current or future relationship and to live the life he loves.

Bill Simpson: 0:39

I recently got an email from a listener who wanted me to do an episode on codependency. Got an email from a listener who wanted me to do an episode on codependency. Now I've done episodes about losing yourself in relationship, being true to yourself, and also where I've depicted a lot of codependency, but I've never done an episode specifically explaining codependency explaining codependency. So here we go. What does codependency mean anyway? Well, codependency in relationship is a behavioral pattern where one partner excessively relies or depends on the other partner for their emotional support, to validate them, or even depend on the other for their sense of identity, and they basically give up their own needs or even their own well-being for the other person's needs and this creates an imbalance in the dynamic of the relationship.

Bill Simpson: 1:39

It can show up in different ways, like where one spouse or partner feels like they need to fix or save the other, one may need constant reassurance that the other won't leave, and being clingy or controlling, there can be a lack of boundaries, you know, where they can't say no or don't say what they need. And, like I said, they can also lose or give up their sense of themselves or identity in order to please the other.

Bill Simpson: 2:15

Now to illustrate how codependency negatively impacts a relationship, I'm going to share the story of Will and Wendy. I made up their names, by the way. Will and Wendy had been together for several years and on the surface they seemed like a very happy couple, very connected, but underneath the surface their relationship was in deep trouble. Will had always been a giver, you know, always eager to please, and he hated confrontation and conflict.

Bill Simpson: 2:50

And Wendy tended to be emotional and she depended on Will to take care of her emotions, and that was whether it was calming her down after a stressful day at work or having to solve all of her personal problems. And along with Will feeling like he was responsible for Wendy's happiness, he felt like he had to walk on eggshells with her in order to keep her from getting upset and with this he felt more like her caretaker than a partner, and he had gotten to the point where he had given up He gave up golfing and gave up his dreams and even friendships in order to cater to . Wendy's needs. He stopped playing golf with his friends because Wendy would get anxious when he wasn't around and he didn't have the courage or the heart to tell her how frustrated he was without feeling guilty, and he avoided confrontation altogether for fear that Wendy would freak out or threaten to leave. And as a result, there were a lot of unresolved problems and misunderstandings.

Bill Simpson: 4:02

They decided to get some help and they went to couples counseling and after giving it a try, will was able to see how codependency was impacting their relationship. You know Wendy's emotional dependency and he even saw how his behavior was codependent you know, not setting boundaries or speaking up for fear of hurting Wendy or that she might leave. And he saw that he was neglecting his needs for hers and unfortunately Wendy could not see it and took no responsibility for her part.

Bill Simpson: 4:38

Well, the last straw happened when they were having an argument and Wendy accused Will of not being present enough for her, though he had spent months and months neglecting his own needs to prioritize hers, and at this point, will had had it Feeling emotionally spent and exhausted. He finally realized that, no matter how much he gave, it would never be enough to satisfy Wendy and her endless need to be validated. And it was that night that Will made the decision to let go and end the relationship. Now the story doesn't end there.

Bill Simpson: 5:21

After his breakup with Wendy, will decided to take a break from pursuing a relationship and to focus on himself. He found a therapist and did some deep work. He read books on personal growth and healthy relationships and he even joined a codependency support group and with this he got more clarity and was able to identify his own patterns of codependency on a deeper level and practiced setting boundaries through role-playing with other members of his support group. Well, one evening at a local fundraising event, will met Wanda not her real name. Will saw her as full of positive energy, confident, and noticed that she had a strong sense of independence. And they hit it off immediately.

Bill Simpson: 6:14

Their relationship got off to a good start, both being open, having mutual respect for each other and establishing a strong foundation of emotional honesty. And from the jump, will made it clear that he valued his personal time and space. He mentioned how he liked his time with his friends and playing golf, and Wanda respected that. She respected his boundaries and shared her own boundaries, which Will honored as well. And, unlike his relationship with Wendy, will didn't feel responsible for managing Wanda's emotions. They were able to support each other when things got hard, and yet they both took responsibility for their own emotional well-being and his old patterns would still come up, but he knew how to take care of himself and not act on them. They were honest with each other and communicated openly, creating a safe space to express their needs and address their issues without the fear of being judged, and Will's relationship with Wanda thrived.

Bill Simpson: 7:23

It was the first time he experienced a relationship where he and his partner were able to maintain their independence and identity and supporting each other in a way he never imagined. He no longer felt the weight and feeling of being trapped in codependency and instead he felt empowered to be his true self. He felt free while being in a fulfilling and supportive relationship, and that's what it's all about. So Will's story shows how codependency can really destroy relationships, you know, when it creates that emotional imbalance in the relationship and when it takes away one's sense of individuality and independence. Yet the good news here is that once you have the self-awareness of codependency, you can grow and heal from it, just like Will did.

Bill Simpson: 8:20

Now, if you are noticing some aspects of codependency going on in your relationship, whether from your spouse or partner or within yourself and often it's both, like with Will and Wendy here are some strategies to help you in overcoming codependency. The first thing is self-awareness. Do some self-reflecting and notice if you recognize any codependent tendencies or behaviors like people-pleasing or constantly putting your spouse or partner's needs before yours, or the need to be validated by your spouse or partner or others. And once you have the awareness that you're doing these things, then you can begin to break the pattern. You can work on setting healthy boundaries, which is critical with codependency behaviors. It's learning how to say no without guilt and doing it in a firm and compassionate way. It's getting really clear about what your limits are and set your boundaries accordingly and, again, in an assertive and compassionate way.

Bill Simpson: 9:30

Another thing to focus on is taking care of your own emotional needs rather than depending on your spouse or partner to do it. Now don't get me wrong. It's okay to get emotional support from your spouse or partner. It's to the extent that you need that emotional support. You know, if you have to rely solely on your partner for emotional support, that's codependency. It's really about having a mutual understanding with your partner or spouse that in a healthy relationship, both partners take responsibility for their own emotions and behavior. Being committed to your personal growth will help with this, and this could be through coaching, could be through books, courses, workshops and, of course, therapy, especially therapy when there are emotional wounds from the past that need to be healed, like unresolved childhood trauma or attachment issues.

Bill Simpson: 10:31

And building your self-image, self-esteem and self-confidence can help in overcoming codependency, and you can do this through self-compassion and self-care, acknowledging your accomplishments versus what you didn't do, you know, focusing on the positive, having that positive mindset, reinforcement with self-talk and daily affirmations.

Bill Simpson: 10:57

Learning mindful communications is helpful, too, in overcoming codependency. Being able to express your thoughts, your feelings and your needs clearly like I said earlier, in a firm or assertive and compassionate way, without fear of rejection All that can be extremely empowering.

Bill Simpson: 11:19

And building a support network can help a lot, and this can include support groups. Like Will had a codependency support group. It could be friends and family you can talk to, or mentorships to reduce having to overly depend on your partner and if any or all of these suggestions seem overwhelming to you, suggestions seem overwhelming to you, then I encourage you to seek professional help, a therapist, coach, clergy, someone to help guide you through the process.

Bill Simpson: 11:54

And getting that professional help was a big part of my healing journey. I had abandonment issues from when my mother left when I was eight years old and she died when I was 13. And I recognize my own codependency tendencies and I am grateful for the therapy and the mentors I had along the way to be where I am today. So just to recap the impact that codependency can have on a relationship, the bottom line it can create emotional imbalance and take away one's sense of identity and individuality. And it's understanding that healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect, independence and open communication.

Bill Simpson: 12:43

In order to heal codependency, it requires self-awareness, some therapy or professional help and, most importantly I think, is a commitment to breaking the unhealthy patterns of codependency. I'll close out this episode with a quote from the author of the book Codependent no More. Melody Beattie is her name and she says, quote codependency is not love, it's the need to control or be controlled. Healthy love allows both people to grow independently while supporting each other. And on that note, I will call it a wrap for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Understanding Codependency in Relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thanks for tuning in. Now

Bill Simpson: 13:44

coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast.... You heard me talking about the importance of setting boundaries in this episode, right Well, I decided to do a whole episode on how to set boundaries in relationships. You'll hear Xavier's story and how setting boundaries transformed his relationship and his life. Please join me for"The the Art of Setting Boundaries Protecting Yourself Without Losing Connection episode.

Bill Simpson: 14:12

And if you have an issue you're struggling with or have a suggestion for the show, I really would like to hear from you. You can reach me at my show page or visit my website, menonthepathtolovecom. That's menonthepathtolovecom, and if you could do me a solid to help spread more love in the world, I would appreciate it. Simply share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.