The Art of Setting Boundaries

In this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, you'll hear Xavier's story and the impact that his lack of boundaries had on his relationships.  Learn how the absence of boundaries can lead to emotional exhaustion and how setting them can prevent misunderstandings, conflicts, and resentment. Check out The Art of Setting Boundaries, episode.

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:10

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast the Art of Setting Boundaries episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach him how to do it and how to be the best version of himself, for himself and for his current or future relationship, and to live the life he loves.

Bill Simpson: 0:45

Last Monday's episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, I expressed how important it is to establish clear and firm boundaries when it came to avoiding codependency in relationship. Well, establishing clear and firm boundaries is important period, and that's why I decided to devote a whole episode to setting boundaries. So why is it so important to set boundaries boundaries.

Bill Simpson: 1:02

So why is it so important to set boundaries? Well, there are several reasons why. One that I just mentioned is to avoid codependency that it gives both individuals in the relationship a strong sense of self, you know, a sense of independence rather than being codependent. It's also a way to show respect for yourself and your spouse or partner when you communicate your needs in a clear and compassionate way. It helps you to feel confident in who you are and it fosters respect for each other's values, opinions, emotions, time and space. And with that, setting clear boundaries helps to create a sense of safety and trust that it's not only okay to express your thoughts, feelings and needs, it is encouraged.

Bill Simpson: 1:53

And when you set clear boundaries and those boundaries are respected, it can help prevent a lot of arguments, misunderstandings and disappointments. Having clear expectations about what's accepted and what's not can make a huge difference in how you resolve conflicts and how you get along. And when there are no boundaries it can be emotionally exhausting, you know, rehashing the same old stuff over and over again without getting anywhere. And when this happens repeatedly it can lead to resentment, burnout and drifting apart, which is one of the worst things that could happen in a relationship. So hopefully you can see why it's so important to set clear and firm boundaries. And setting boundaries can be a real challenge for some people, especially if they grew up not having any boundaries

Bill Simpson: 2:47

.

Bill Simpson: 2:47

Like Xavier Xavier, not his real name he grew up with three older siblings and his household was in constant chaos. Man, I mean from as early as he could remember. His parents rarely set boundaries. He and his siblings basically had the run of the house and if there were attempts to set boundaries or consequences. They were empty, meaning, for example, that his mom would say something like If you jump on that couch again, I'm going to take away your Nintendo for a year and then never do it right. All the kids knew that there'd be no punishment. You know, just hearing their parents' mouth, that's all. So they got away with everything. And the way that Xavier described it, it sounded like the Gallagher family in the series Shameless, if you know about that show.

Bill Simpson: 3:40

So anyway, fast forward to his adult life and, more specifically, his relationships. Xavier had no boundaries when it came to dating women. He didn't care what they thought, you know, he just did what he wanted to do and that was that. You know he would disregard their feedback or their hurt feelings. He took no responsibility for his actions. He would always put the blame on his partner or someone else or some situation, and he never held himself accountable. And if he really liked his partner or, more often, when he needed a place to stay, he would promise to change in order to buy himself some time. But he never would change. So, as you can imagine, his relationships never lasted very long. His behavior and lack of boundaries left his partners feeling unseen, unheard and mostly disrespected.

Bill Simpson: 4:39

Well, one day I got a call from Xavier and after seeing my brochure at the clinic where I work, his girlfriend at the time had given it to him. He said that he liked what he saw and that he wanted to come see me and he asked if he could bring his girlfriend with him, since she was a patient at the clinic. So I agreed and they both came in for a consultation and it started out with his girlfriend sharing her concerns about his behavior, you know, a lack of boundaries and all that. And Xavier was surprisingly open and he told me about how he grew up and after listening it all started to click in my mind and it made total sense. You know, considering how he grew up, you know, without any boundaries, that he would have a hard time with boundaries as an adult. Well, xavier and I kind of hit

Bill Simpson: 5:31

it off right and he said that he was all in and that he wanted to work with me. You know, with mindfulness, setting boundaries and all that stuff. So we made an appointment for soon after and I wish I could say that we got to work and that Xavier was committed to his growth and all that.

Bill Simpson: 5:51

But no, that wasn't the case. He didn't show for his appointment. He had come up with some excuse, you know, and, long story short, he didn't show for three more appointments and I just had to let him go. I mean, and it was such a shame too, because, with his awareness of his lack of boundaries, I thought there was something to work with. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough for him to want to change, and maybe one day he will. So this certainly wasn't the happy ending that I often share, and it just goes to show the negative impact of having a lack of boundaries can have on relationships. And it makes it really hard to set boundaries when you are brought up without someone to model setting boundaries. Ideally, the role of a parent is to set boundaries for their children so they can grow up with a sense of appropriate boundaries. Now, sometimes kids can grow up where the boundaries are too strict and they may learn to be afraid to say no for fear of repercussions, or they may rebel against any kind of boundary later in life. You know there are plenty of factors that can contribute to a lack of boundaries and instead of going into all that, I'd like to share how you can set boundaries. It can be quite an art to it and once you master it, let me tell you, your life will change for the better. All right, so here we go.

Bill Simpson: 7:25

First is to recognize what your limits are and that setting a boundary might feel uncomfortable. You know you may be out of your comfort zone, and that's okay. Having that awareness can help you determine what you need to do to step out of your comfort zone and take care of yourself, and this is where support can be helpful. You know it could be as simple as a trusted friend or someone like myself, like a coach, and oftentimes what I do is role play with my clients so they can get used to setting that boundary. You know, practice and rehearse it and that way they get used to setting a boundary. You'll also want to get really clear about what it is that you need in setting that boundary and then communicate that need in a calm way. You know, using what I recommend a lot is using I statements and, more specifically, I feel I need You'll hear me say that a lot, and that could sound like something like I feel angry right now and I need some space to calm down. Once we're both calm, we can talk about it or something like that.

Bill Simpson: 8:38

Now, be sure that you are assertive and firm, not aggressive. Don't be confused with that. It's not being aggressive. You just want to be assertive and firm. You don't want to be all wishy-washy, no, you want to hold your ground, stay in your shoes and remember your goal. It's taking care of yourself and your needs. It's not an attack. And, with that being said, don't be so rigid that you're not willing to compromise when there's room to do so, and be consistent with your boundaries. Don't be some timey, you know, and if the boundary gets crossed, make sure you follow through with your boundaries. Don't be some timey, you know, and if the boundary gets crossed, make sure you follow through with your consequence. Otherwise, it's not a boundary. Here is where you lose your power and your respect.

Bill Simpson: 9:31

Now, timing is everything when setting boundaries. The time to do it is when you're both in a calm or neutral space, like I mentioned. See, when you're in the middle of an argument, both of you are much less likely to be open and receptive to the boundary right. And it's also a good idea to check in periodically to reassess the boundary if necessary, because remember, it's always going for the long term of the relationship. It's not about control, it's what works for both of you, so you both feel seen, heard, respected, independent, all those things. And if you're really struggling with setting boundaries, then by all. means get

Bill Simpson: 10:18

And some professional help. All right, I'm going to wrap things up with a quote from someone I quote a lot, and that is author Brene Brown. She says, quote daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. Unquote, and that's what I'm talking about. And that will do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Art of Setting Boundaries episode. I'm Bill Simpson. Thank you so much for

Bill Simpson: 10:53

listening.

Bill Simpson: 10:54

Now coming up next on the Men on the Path to Love podcast. You know, as men we've been traditionally conditioned to be the financial supporter of the relationship and the family, right? Well, this can weigh heavy on a man and cause frustration, especially when there's a disparity of income and the majority of the financial responsibility is on him. Well, that was the case for Giannis. Financial responsibility is on him. Well, that was the case for Giannis. You'll hear his story and how he dealt with feeling overburdened with the financial responsibility in his marriage. Please join me for the Weight of the Wallet, navigating Financial Stress in Relationship episode, and if you have an issue in your relationship you need help with or a topic you'd like for me to address, please contact me, either from my show page or the best way is through my website, menonthepathtolovecom. That's menonthepathtolovecom, and if you think it's a good idea to have more love in the world, then please do your part, share the link to this podcast and share the love, and until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.