The Weight of the Wallet: Navigating Financial Stress in Relationship*

There is a silent weight that many men carry and that is the financial pressure in relationship. Because of traditional gender roles and societal expectations, many men still feel the financial pressure to be the provider, and their identity and self-worth are attached to it. In this episode, you'll hear Yannis' story and the impact that financial pressure had on his marriage. Find out how you can relieve some of the financial pressure that you might be feeling in your relationship. Check out The Weight of the Wallet: Navigating Financial Stress in Relationship, episode.

Chapters

• 0:09 Navigating Financial Stress in Relationships
• 12:29 The Power of Shared Experiences

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:09

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love. Podcast, the Weight of the Wallet Navigating Financial Stress in Relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach him how to do it and how to be the best version of himself for himself and for his current or future relationship, and to live the life he loves.

Bill Simpson: 0:45

Something I see that surfaces a lot with men I talk to and I see it in the research as well, and that is they often feel the burden of financial pressure in their relationships more so than their spouse or partner. They feel that most of the burden is on them to be the provider, and I get it. Traditionally, as men, we have been conditioned to do so. It's what society expects from us and it also has to do with our sense of identity and masculinity being attached to being the provider and how much money we make. And even though gender roles are changing, many men feel like a failure if they're not the main breadwinner.

Bill Simpson: 1:29

I remember when I was making big money in radio. You know it gave me a sense of confidence as a man in my marriage that I could provide significantly for my family and that my wife at the time didn't have to work. But she chose to and fast forward. Years later, when I was not making the big money in radio anymore and had just started my own private practice, taking like a zero off my salary, I didn't feel that sense of confidence as a man you know that I'd had before. It had been a false sense of confidence because it was attached to the money I was making and, to some extent, the local celebrity status that I had. I felt less than a man because my wife at the time was probably making twice what I was making and that I should have been the breadwinner. I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself, not so much for my wife. It was a hard pill to swallow and as much as I would try to accept it and not feel less than because of it, it would still come up for me.

Bill Simpson: 2:35

Well, over time, and after lots of self-reflection and therapy, I may add, I got it. My identity and worth were no longer attached to the amount of money I was making or what my spouse was making. All that was my ego shit. Now I realize that my identity and worth are based on how I feel about myself on the inside and regardless of my financial status, I feel a constant sense of abundance in so many ways in my life. I'm comfortable and confident in the man that I have become. I am who I am and it feels amazing, no matter how many zeros are on my paycheck. It took some work to get to this place and I am so grateful to be here. Some work to get to this place and I am so grateful to be here Now.

Bill Simpson: 3:31

Someone else who did some hard work around feeling the burden of financial stress in his marriage, and that is Yanis, not his real name he, and his wife, yasmin, not her real name, of course. They had been married for a few years when Yanis started feeling the financial pressure. When Yannis and Yasmin got married, they were both fresh out of grad school and making around the same amount of money. Then, a couple of years into the marriage, yasmin got a promotion at her job that put her salary way ahead of Yannis, and at first Yannis was cool with it. You know he was excited for Yasmin and grateful to have the extra household income, especially with having to pay back their student loans.

Bill Simpson: 4:14

Well, it finally got to Yannis when Yasmin was given yet another promotion and raise, and he hated the fact that he was envious of Yasmin's success and that he was becoming resentful. He started to shut down around Yasmin and when she would ask him if anything was wrong he would shrug his shoulders and say no. But she knew damn well there was something wrong. Well, over time it just got worse. You know they were arguing a lot. Yasmin was complaining that she was covering most of the household chores on top of her full-time job. Yanis had taken on extra hours to make up for what he wasn't bringing in and he was burnt out. They stopped having sex and they were on their way to drifting apart. Until

Bill Simpson: 5:04

one day Yasmin had had enough. She confronted Yanis Yannis and said that she wanted to go to marriage counseling, and Yanis Yannis resisted immediately. She said nope, and Yasmin put her foot down and insisted that they go or she was done with the marriage, and Yanis Yannis told her to do what she had to do and that it was the end of the discussion. Well, after a sleepless night of tossing and turning, janice had second thoughts and he realized that he didn't want to lose Yasmin. So he agreed to go to marriage counseling. Yasmin was relieved, and she suggested that they search together to find someone they both felt was a fit.

Bill Simpson: 5:50

Now, without going into all the details, it really came down to Yanis opening up about how he felt around Yasmin making more money than him. He said that he didn't talk about it with her because he was ashamed that he even felt that way. Well, Yasmin was so relieved to hear about what Yannis was feeling. She had no idea. She was worried that he was having an affair or something, and, with this new awareness, Yasmin was very supportive. She assured Yanis that she loved him and that she didn't care that she made more money than him, and yet she understood why he felt the way he did. She appreciated him for the non-financial contributions he provided in the relationship, like his emotional support and how he helped in making decisions, and as much as she complained about him not doing his share of household chores, she acknowledged that he did try.

Bill Simpson: 6:49

Well, Yannis appreciated Yasmin's support, which was really helpful he realized. The issue, though, was with how he felt about himself. You know his own shame, feeling less than a man like I had felt. He felt like he was failing as a husband, and instead of talking about it, he held it, in which only created distance between the two of them. And, as hard as it was, janus was committed to working on accepting that he and Yasmin were a team and all their money went into the same pot. What was hers was his and vice versa. He recognized how he could contribute more in non-financial ways that were just as important, if not more important, than the money, and that he had worth, no matter how much money he made.

Bill Simpson: 7:42

Now it still gets to Yannis. Sometimes, you know, the ego creeps in, and yet he responds to the ego and his feelings about it much better. He channels his feelings into accepting himself more and he continues to be motivated to be the best he can be, no matter what. No matter what. Now, Yannis's story is a classic example of the silent weight that men can carry in terms of their financial burden. In his case, it was that she was making more money than him, and in most cases, it's just the heavy financial burden men put on themselves, because for the and the truth is, guys a relationship is a partnership, not a paycheck, right?

Bill Simpson: 8:35

So what can you do if you're feeling the financial pressure in your relationship? Well, the first thing to do, man, is relax. Okay. Just breathe, man, and realize that you're not alone. Millions of men feel the pressure. Okay, and getting all worked up about it isn't going to help, you know. Putting all that pressure on yourself, no, and feeling all this anxiety around it only adds to the pressure. So you want to approach this situation with a calm sense of urgency? Okay, and try to reframe your thoughts around what it means to provide and how it impacts your sense of masculinity. Challenge the old school societal norms and ways of thinking.

Bill Simpson: 9:22

Understand that your masculinity is not determined by how much money you have in the bank or whether you are the main breadwinner or not, and it's not about your masculinity. Strong relationships are built on mutual support, and know that your value or worth as a man is not just based on being a provider or the money you make. It's also about providing emotional support, no matter what your financial situation. When you can support your spouse or partner emotionally and, better yet, support each other emotionally, you can get through any financial situation. And by all means, talk about it. Man, you got to communicate. Don't keep it in like Yanis did, and I get that it can be hard to talk about it, you know, but let me tell you. Once you do, it's like releasing the pressure valve, man. I mean.

Bill Simpson: 10:19

Understand that your relationship is a partnership and that you don't have to handle the pressure alone. Be open and honest about where you are with your finances and work together as a team, and the two of you will work it out. Make a financial plan that works for both of you. Work together. And one other thing I want to mention that is so important, and that is make sure to set a boundary with your work.

Bill Simpson: 10:47

If you put all of your focus on your career well, one day your bank account might be full, but your home may be empty. Think about that. Make your relationship a priority, because true wealth is found in the moments that you can't buy. You can't buy love like that, right. So please don't let the financial stress take you away from spending quality time in your relationship. Don't let the financial stress take you away from spending quality time in your relationship. It almost cost cost annis his marriage, and not just Yannis. I've seen it too many times. It's finding that work-life balance. So come up with strategies that help you to ease the financial burden, like creating a budget together or explore investing. And, again, make sure you give your relationship the attention and nurturing it needs. As my wife and I put it, keep the precious jewel of our relationship shining bright.

Bill Simpson: 11:45

All right, I found a quote that sums up this episode nicely. It's from actor, director, author and men's advocate, justin Baldoni. He says quote we have confused being a provider with being a paycheck. A real provider offers security, love and presence, not just money. Unquote. And that's presence with a C, by the way, not presents with a T. All right, and on that note I will bring this episode to an end. The Weight of the Wallet Navigating Financial Stress in Relationship episode. My name is Bill Simpson. Thank you for listening.

Bill Simpson: 12:29

Now coming up on the next Men on the Path to Love podcast, I came across some research the other day that said, shared hobbies and recreational activities are vital for men's sense of connection and relationship, and I've heard that in my practice as well.

Bill Simpson: 12:45

In the next episode you'll hear Zach's story and how he and his wife stopped having fun together and what it did to their marriage. Please join me for the playing together, staying together, the power of shared experiences in relationship episode, and you know I'm always open to ideas or topics for the podcast, so please let me know if you have any suggestions I want to hear from you, just go to my website, menonthepathtolovecom. That's menonthepathtolovecom, and while you're there, you can sign up for a free coaching session with me and we can talk about how I can best support you to be the best version of yourself, to live the life you love. All right, and speaking of love, for those of you who don't know by now, I am on a love mission and my goal is to spread love all over this planet. So do me a favor and share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.