Playing Together, Staying Together: The Power of Shared Experiences in Relationship

In this episode, I talk about the transformative power of shared experiences in relationships. Research shows that engaging in fun or challenging activities together, couples can build stronger bonds and improve relationship satisfaction. You'll hear Zach's story and how the lack of shared experiences with his fiancé impacted his relationship, and what he did about it. Check out the Playing Together, Staying Together: The Power of Shared Experiences in Relationship, episode.

Chapters

• 0:09 Power of Shared Experiences in Relationships
• 15:26 Navigating Sexual Disconnection in Relationships

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:09

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast playing together, staying together, the power of shared experiences in relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach him how to do it and how to be the best version of himself for himself and for his current or future relationship, to live the life he loves.

Bill Simpson: 0:42

My wife and I really enjoy each other's company. She's my best friend and I love hanging out with her. Now, don't get me wrong. I enjoy my alone time, my work time and time with my friends and family as well, what naturally happens for my wife and me. You know, the fact that we enjoy our shared experiences that help us feel connected is actually backed up by research, and I don't think you need research to realize this. It's common sense right, and research does show that. It's true, it's pretty clear and it consistently shows that shared experiences play a crucial role in relationships. These shared experiences and time spent together help couples to bond and to build intimacy, to build trust, have great memories and, most of all, relationship satisfaction for the long term of the relationship.

Bill Simpson: 1:41

One study showed that when couples engage in fun or even challenging activities together, they feel closer. These activities and time together can actually trigger the release of the feel-good transmitter known as dopamine, which helps to reinforce spending that time together as a positive experience. The husband and wife team of author and Elaine Aaron, both psychologists and researchers, came up with what's called the self-expansion model, suggesting that one way people grow is by incorporating aspects of their partner into their self-concept and with having shared experiences, especially new ones that need them to work together as a team. It helps them to deepen their bond with a sense of shared identity as a couple and I don't mean that in a codependency way, okay.

Bill Simpson: 2:39

There's also research that says couples who create positive shared experiences and memories are more likely to handle conflict better. Having these positive memories gives them something positive to look back at, to compare with making it easier to navigate present challenges together. Looking back to say you remember when we did this? Oh yeah, and then that helps to bring them closer. Having shared experiences also helps to open up and strengthen communications and trust, which helps to break down the walls that may keep them from feeling seen or heard or understood.

Bill Simpson: 3:18

And one last thing I'll mention is from long-term studies showing that couples who consciously and deliberately include new experiences into their routine usually have a higher relationship satisfaction. You know, sometimes couples can fall into a rut with their routine and one or even both of them feeling taken for granted, and by incorporating new activities it can help keep the relationship feeling fresh and alive. So there you

Bill Simpson: 3:51

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Bill Simpson: 3:51

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Bill Simpson: 3:52

There's lots of reasons why hanging out and having fun with your spouse or partner is so crucial in the foundation and the long term of your relationship. Now, one of the complaints I get a lot from my female patients and clients is that their spouse or partner spends too much time with their friends and or extended family instead of doing things with her. And what I get from my male clients and patients is that they don't understand why their spouse or partner doesn't understand why he needs to hang out with his friends and family. And that was the case with one of my patients at the clinic where I work Zach, not his real name, man Zach. He just couldn't get his head around. Why his fiancée Zan not her real name either why Zan had such a hard time with him hanging out with his friends and extended family, and he would say to me you know like what's so bad about it? It's not like I'm out chasing other women, it's my friends and family. And I told him that it wasn't a bad thing, that in fact it's a good thing to spend time with friends and family outside of his relationship.

Bill Simpson: 5:07

The issue was the extent of how much time he spent with them versus the time he spent with Zan, and he said that he was with her a lot. You know that he came home to her every day. They watched TV together and slept together every night, and I acknowledged him for that. I saw where he was coming from. Yet I went a little deeper and asked him what kind of things they did together outside their daily routine, and he said that they would go out to eat or go to movies sometimes. And I asked if they had any common interests

Bill Simpson: 5:44

or hobbies that they did together and he said not a whole lot. He said that he likes to go to the gym and work out with his buddies and she doesn't. Same thing with sports, he said. You know he watches sports all year round with his friends and family, but not with Zan, and after work he goes to a pub to have a few beers and throws darts with his friends before he comes home to Zan.

Bill Simpson: 6:11

Well, after hearing all this, I was like Zach, that sounds like a lot man. And he just got all defensive on me and he said you know that Zan was welcome to go out with her friends and family instead of waiting at home for him. So why would she have a problem with me going out with my friends and family? I told him, if I had to guess, I didn't think it was about spending time with his family and friends, as it was about how much time he was spending with them and how little they were doing together in comparison. I shared with him the importance of

Bill Simpson: 6:48

having shared experiences in relationship, that it was good for the long term of the relationship and, from what he shared with me, from my vantage point, it seemed like he and Zan were starting to drift apart. I asked if that was true and he paused and thought about it and said that he loved Zan very much. It just felt like they were in a rut he said the more she complained to him about spending time with his friends and family, the more he wanted to

Bill Simpson: 7:19

be with them and not with her. He said that he would like to be with her more, but her complaining made it hard. I acknowledged Zach for his honesty and I asked him if he was open to having Zan join us for the next session and he agreed.

Bill Simpson: 7:37

And when the three of us met, I was able to get a better sense of what was going on with Zan. You know it was pretty much what I had suspected. You know it wasn't about spending time with family and friends, it was the amount of time Zach was with them and that she missed being with him and having fun together. Instead of Zach getting all defensive like he was

Bill Simpson: 7:59

prone to do, he was able to soften and say that he missed her too. So I had them share what they used to do together that they both enjoyed. And, man, it was like the floodgates opened. They started reminiscing about how they used to go to concerts, to go dancing, weekend getaways, shopping sprees, miniature golf, bowling and so on, and I was blown away. I was like look at all these activities you guys like to do. And I asked them what happened. Well, they looked at each other and had this

Bill Simpson: 8:40

puzzled look on their face like they didn't know. So I asked them if they were open to doing these things again and they smiled at each other and said yes. So with that, I suggested that they schedule a date night each week and plan some sort of weekend activity at least once a month, put it on a shared calendar and treat it like it was gold, a must do, make it a priority. And they agreed, and it was amazing to me in how one session we were able to come to a relatively easy fix and the bottom line was that they both missed each other and the activities they shared together. That brought them closer together and deepened their bond.

Bill Simpson: 9:31

Now this story had a happy ending for Zach and Zan and, to be frank, it's not always this easy. Sometimes there are deeper wounds or issues that need to be worked out before they can get to where Zach and Zan got. Each couple is unique, right, the important thing is the intention to make it work and usually with that intention, commitment and effort, it can be worked out. So what can you do to have more shared experiences with your spouse or partner? Well, I thought you'd never ask. Start with taking the initiative and

Bill Simpson: 10:13

suggesting that you do more together. When you take the initiative, you're showing her that you are committed and give her some ideas too. You know it could be planning a weekend getaway or trying out a new restaurant or looking into a new hobby you could do together. Be willing to step out of your comfort zone to try new things. Getting out of your

Bill Simpson: 10:39

comfort zone helps you grow.

Bill Simpson: 10:42

I had a client whose wife wanted them to take salsa lessons together and he kicked and screamed and said he wasn't going to do it. And finally he did. He gave in, he did it and he ended up loving it. He's a salsa dancing mm-hmm. And it could also be finding something that's new to both of you or something that combines both of your interests. For example, my wife likes yoga and I'm more into Tai Chi, and we both like doing what's called Chi Kang, which is kind of like a combination of the two. ..

Bill Simpson: 11:22

And you know, shared experiences don't always have to be a big thing. You know some grand gesture, you know it can be the little experiences that you share day to day Incorporate daily rituals that help you stay connected. . One that my wife and I do is we give each other a kiss each time we leave our home and when we return, and even if it's just to take the trash out and I know man, I know it may seem corny, but we enjoy it and it keeps us connected and it's a great excuse to kiss. And, you know, make sure, whatever you do together, that you are present and

Bill Simpson: 12:06

mindful. In other words, pay attention, be engaged in the conversation, listen actively, be curious and ask questions that show that you're interested and that you care. This also can help create a deeper connection. And be sure to have open and honest communications about your shared activities. Man, if you're doing something that absolutely irks you and makes your skin crawl, then don't do it. You know she'll feel your

Bill Simpson: 12:39

resistance and it won't be fun for either of you, and that goes both ways. By the way, now there could be room for compromise here. You know, if it's something that she likes to do more than you, and you're okay with it, because the big picture is that you want to spend time with her, that's okay. And again, that goes both ways. So I'll give you an example. Say, if she wants Chinese for dinner and you want Italian, you choose Chinese because you want to be with her, that's fine. And you can let her know, right, and say you know I'm more in the mood for Italian and it's more important to me that we be together and I'm okay with Chinese tonight. And how about we have Italian next time? Or something like that. That way she knows that you know you don't really want Chinese, but she knows you want to be together, and that's where the deepening comes in. That's where the connection comes in, and I also suggest that you periodically check in with each other to reflect on the activities you're doing together to see if it's working for both of you. Maybe you'll need to reassess and try something different if it's not.

Bill Simpson: 13:58

The bottom line here is that you find what you both enjoy doing and keep your eye on the prize for what's good for the long term of your relationship. So those are just some of the ways you can build shared experiences and create lasting memories together. Now remember having these shared experiences aren't just nice things to do or nice things to have. Rejected are Resentful: Navigating Sexual Disconnection of Relationship, long,

Bill Simpson: 14:29

lasting relationship. I've got a quote for you from Harvard scholar and researcher on adult development, robert Waldinger. He says quote the happiest and healthiest people are those who nurture strong relationships. Shared experiences, whether big or small, act as the glue that keeps couples bonded over a lifetime Unquote. So there you go Start planning those shared activities, man. Go play, have some fun with each other and live the life you love. All right, and that will menonthepathtolove. com it for another episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Playing Together, staying Together, the Power of Shared Experiences in Relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you for listening. I hope you got something out of it.

Bill Simpson: 15:26

Coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, I'll be talking about sex, more specifically, the unmet sexual needs in relationship and the rejection men can feel when those needs aren't met.

Bill Simpson: 15:41

You'll hear Andrew's story and how rejected and resentful he felt in his marriage and what he did about it. Please join me for the rejected and resentful navigating sexual disconnection in relationship episode. Now I'd love to hear your comments about this episode or any episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast. If you have any suggestions for topics for the show or how I can make it better for you, just go to my website. That's the best way to reach me and while you're there, you can sign up for a free coaching session with me. I'd be happy to support you in any way that I can. That's at menonthepathtolovecom and, after all, I'm on a love mission, man, to spread the love worldwide, and I humbly ask that you help me by sharing the link to this podcast and sharing the love. And, until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.