Rejected and Resentful: Navigating Sexual Disconnection in Relationship

In this episode, find out how mismatched sexual expectations can lead to resentment and disconnection. You'll hear Andrew's story and learn how he transformed his relationship by embracing open communication and empathy, finding a deeper mutual understanding, and a more balanced connection. I also offer practical tools for expressing your needs without blame and handling rejection with compassion. Check out the Rejected and Resentful: Navigating Sexual Disconnection in Relationship, episode.

Chapters

• 0:11 Navigating Sexual Disconnection in Relationship
• 8:49 Navigating Sexual Communication and Rejection
• 14:16 Navigating Relationship Improvement Discussions

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:11

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the rejected and resentful navigating sexual disconnection in relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationship and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach him how to do it and how to be the best version of himself, for himself and for his current or future relationship, to live the life he loves. To live the life he loves.

Bill Simpson: 0:54

So sex and relationship can be complicated, man. I mean it's a big part of most relationships, right? It's what separates us from being friends, although of course there's the whole friends with benefits thing. But for the most part, sex plays a major role in committed relationships and when it comes to relationship, as opposed to being single and just having sex for sex and not for a long-term commitment. But in relationship, there are a whole lot of men who equate sexual intimacy with feeling emotionally connected. You know the sense of closeness or even feeling validated as a man. It's part of how we have been conditioned.

Bill Simpson: 1:31

And the other side of that is when a man feels sexually rejected, it can lead to him feeling inadequate. You know, feeling a lack of self-worth, being less than a man that kind of thing, a lack of self-worth, being less than a man, that kind of thing. And again, it's part of our conditioning. Or if he feels like he's not getting enough sex and it's not dealt with appropriately, it could lead to him having resentment or even contempt, which is the number one indicator that the relationship is done or it's on its way out. And he can also feel this resentment even when it's about him feeling rejected, because he can internalize that rejection and then that can turn into anger and resentment.

Bill Simpson: 2:17

And it's a big deal with a lot of the men I've talked to and the research shows it as well. Feeling sexually rejected is a huge stressor, especially for men in relationship, and when it happens over and over, without talking about it or addressing it, it can leave him feeling not only inadequate or less than a man, but also feeling ashamed, frustrated or even feeling unloved

Bill Simpson: 2:44

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Bill Simpson: 2:45

I remember early on in my relationships, when I'd be turned down for sex, how bad I would feel. Part of it was feeling rejected, of course, and it was also feeling disappointed because I'd be looking forward to it so much. I wanted it, and instead of talking about it in a mature way or taking care of my emotions, I would tend to internalize it, you know, being angry and resentful, feeling entitled that I deserved it. You know all that would be going on inside of me and then I would be outwardly blaming my partner. It's like how dare you turn me down, right, yeah. And sometimes it comes down to a mismatch of sexual needs or libido. You know one partner may be hot to trot and the other one more, you know, lukewarm, and the one who has the higher libido may feel rejected by the other and the one with the lesser libido may feel pressured to perform when they don't want to. So you can see how complicated it can get. And when you don't talk about it, keep it all in, it can be a real mess.

Bill Simpson: 3:58

It brings to mind the complicated case of Andrew and Andrea not their real names In the beginning of their relationship. You know the sex started early, I think like the second date, and it was amazing and sex was the primary drive in their relationship as the feelings they had for one another started to grow.

Bill Simpson: 4:22

Then, after about a year or so, you know as much as Andrea loved having sex with Andrew, she started feeling that she wanted more from him. You know, more communication, more vulnerability, more empathy and more non-sexual intimacy. And when Andrea would ask for more from him than just sex, andrew would just shut down. There would be times when Andrew may have had a hard, long day at work and he was in need of some physical comfort, you know, and he was anticipating sex that night, only to have Andrea say that she was tired and didn't have the energy. She just wanted to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie.

Bill Simpson: 5:05

So Andrew felt rejected and over time, the more Andrea would turn down Andrew's sexual advances, you know, due to her being tired and whatnot, the more he felt rejected. And the more he felt rejected he started feeling resentful. Well, he took it as they weren't on the same page sexually and again he just shut down and refused to talk about it. And as time went on, they started arguing a lot and it got to a tipping point in their relationship as to whether they were going to make it or not. And that's when they both agreed to get help. And that's when they both agreed to get help and with that support, andrew and Andrea were able to really see each other.

Bill Simpson: 5:54

That, for Andrea, it wasn't that she wasn't sexually attracted to or sexually compatible with Andrew. She loved making love with him. In her words, no one does it better. It was just that she wanted more than just sex for intimacy, and Andrew learned about how important it is to talk about what's going on with him and to be able to express his needs in a mature way, to have a sense of compassion and empathy towards Andrea, which required him to be vulnerable.

Bill Simpson: 6:29

And he also learned that intimacy didn't always mean having sex. And this was a big pill for Andrew to swallow, and yet he was up for the challenge. He was able to get more clear about his needs for sex and intimacy and for Andrea to understand Andrew's sensitivities, that his need for sex was his way of feeling intimate, you know, just feeling closer to her and feeling loved. And he really didn't know of any other way. He didn't know that simply cuddling on the couch without it leading to sex was a great way to feel close. And in hearing this, andrea was very understanding and she agreed to give Andrew some grace as he navigated new ways of creating intimacy. And the key here was that both of them were open to seeing each other's perspective, finding the room to grow and to stay connected. Finding the room to grow and to stay connected.

Bill Simpson: 7:31

So does any of this stuff I'm talking about ring a bell? Can you relate to feeling resentful when you get turned down for sex? Well, it's quite common actually for men to feel this way. I know I did, like I said in the past. So what can you do about it if you are consistently feeling rejected or that you feel like you're not on the same page with your partner or spouse sexually? You know what do you do with those feelings of rejection. You know, maybe feeling inadequate or less than a man and all that All that can lead to feeling resentful. You know, maybe feeling inadequate or less than a man and all that All that can lead to feeling resentful. You know, feeling disappointed and frustrated and angry.

Bill Simpson: 8:13

Well, the first thing to do is try to get really clear about what's going on with you and I know it's hard for some guys, and I know it's hard for some guys, but before you start blaming her for everything, take some time to notice what you're feeling, and when you're in a calm place, then that's the time to talk about it. You know, if you're all caught up in your resentment and your anger and your frustration and it all comes out sideways. That's not going to help. So get in a calm place, talk about it.

Bill Simpson: 8:49

Because communication here, especially with sex, it's so important Because when you stuff it, you know it only makes matters worse, right, and if talking about sex is difficult for you, I get it, man, I mean, you're not alone. It's just one of those things in our society and our culture that's hard to talk about, for whatever reason, and one of the ways to get over that is to lead the conversation with the fact that it's hard to talk about and chances are it's hard for her too.

Bill Simpson: 9:25

So be honest and say you know this is really hard for me to talk about, and yet I feel it's important to have a conversation about sex and remember to use 'I' statements. I say this a lot because, especially when you're talking about a topic that is as sensitive as sex, using 'I' statements takes away the blame. Instead of saying you always blah, blah, blah, blah, blah or you never blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, say something like I feel really disconnected when we don't have sex, then you can add a need in there, like and I need to talk about it and I need to talk about how we can feel more connected or intimate or something like that. And if you're feeling like the two of you aren't on the same page sexually or don't have the same desires, just accept it, it's okay. And then take some time to explore and see what interests both of you Make it a collaborative effort, which can be a lot of fun once you get into it. But the main thing is it's got to work for both of you and if you need help, there are therapists and coaches that specialize in this kind of thing and it can be well worth the time and money. Specialize in this kind of thing and it can be well worth the time and money.

Bill Simpson: 10:46

And when it comes to feeling rejected, try not to take it so personally and I know it can be hard, right, because it feels really personal. Try to see it as a temporary thing and that there will be other times to have sex and be careful with your expectations. This can get us in a lot of trouble. You know you may have this agenda in your mind. You know you're thinking all day that you want to have sex right. Yet she may be on an entirely different wavelength and even if she, you know, hints at it in the morning or you're flirting, you know, during the day, but then changes her mind later because, whatever reason, she's exhausted or whatever. It's okay, man, it's only temporary. And, as I say a lot when it comes to sex, it's always better when you're both into it. And if you are consistently being rejected, even after talking about it, then again get some help. It's out there.

Bill Simpson: 11:56

And oh, and another way to deal with rejection is having self-compassion. I talk about this a lot too. It's something that we as men don't get taught. Most of us men, women we just don't get taught this. I had to learn it and it's a real life changer.

Bill Simpson: 12:09

Let me tell you so having self-compassion when you feel rejected, just acknowledge it. Have compassion for yourself, as you would for someone that you care about. That's going through the same thing you are. Just have compassion for it, about that's going through the same thing you are. Just have compassion for it and then let it pass, because it will Figure out what you can say to yourself or you can do to make you feel better so you can move on, and this will help to dissolve any resentment or anger that may come up for you, because you're having compassion for how much it sucks when you feel rejected, yet you keep on keeping on. And I'll say it one more time if you need help with any of this, please reach out. There's plenty of help out here. Go for it. Stop suffering. Life is way too short man.

Bill Simpson: 13:03

Okay, so here's a quote I found for you that puts it in perspective. It's from the author of the book the Sex-Starved Marriage, michelle Weiner Davis. She says quote Men who feel sexually rejected often withdraw, but this only deepens the divide. Instead, reaching out with empathy and expressing their needs without blame is the bridge to understanding." I am loving that...

Bill Simpson: 13:32

And that's going to do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Rejected and Resentful Navigating Sexual Disconnection in Relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I thank you for listening. All right Now coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast.

Bill Simpson: 13:54

Do you ever feel like you're being labeled as the problem in relationship, that in every argument it's your fault? I know personally how that goes. I'll be sharing Benji's story. He was labeled the problem in his relationship. You'll hear what he did about it to be the solution to the problem. Please join me for the how to "Stop Being Labeled the Problem in Relationship episode,

Bill Simpson: 14:23

And if there's something on your mind about your relationship you need help with or you have a topic you'd like for me to cover on this podcast, then by all means let me know. I want to hear from you. It's as simple as sending me an email Bill menonthepathtolove. com, or just go to my website, menonthepathtolove. com. You can email me from there, you can set up a free coaching session with me and you can download my free video Five Ways to Get the Recognition you Deserve in Relationship. Just go to menonthepathtolove. com

Bill Simpson: 14:59

And just to let you know, I have a goal that I'm working on and that is to share as much love as I can all over the world, and you can help me with this by sharing the link to this podcast and share the love and until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love!.