How to Stop Being the Labeled "The Problem" in Relationship*

Have you ever felt stuck in the role of being "the problem" in your relationship? You're not alone. I hear it all the time, and I once was perceived as "the problem" in a previous relationship as well. There is a way to stop being "the problem."  In this episode, I share Benji's story and how he stopped being the problem and became the solution.  It's a story of amazing transformation. I'll show you how you can do it too. Check out the How to Stop Being "The Problem" in Relationship, episode. 

*Language

Chapters

• 0:10 Being Labeled the Problem in Relationships
• 6:11 Embracing Change in Relationship Dynamics
• 11:36 Overcoming Relationship Challenges With Emotional Awareness
• 17:30 Navigating Relationships With Love and Support

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:10

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the how to stop being labeled the problem in relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationships and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach him how to do it and how to be the best version of himself for himself and for his current or future relationship, to live the life he loves.

Bill Simpson: 0:42

I remember years ago when I was in a relationship where it was clear in my partner's eyes that I was the problem in the relationship. We had gone to a couple's counselor and my partner had a whole laundry list of all my so-called pathologies. Man, I mean, if I had taken everything she said to heart, I'd either be on meds or a mental health facility or both. But fortunately I had the wherewithal not to take all that she said to heart. I was open to hearing all this and I acknowledged my part, yet I didn't take it all on. You know all that she was saying. The bottom line here is that she saw me as the problem in our relationship and subsequently, over the years and doing the work that I do, I realized that I wasn't alone.

Bill Simpson: 1:34

A lot of men I've worked with and talked to have felt that they were labeled as the problem in relationship, and a great deal of the women I've worked with and talked to see their man this way and frankly, yeah, I mean, there's certainly room for men to grow and be more accountable in relationship no doubt Women too, okay. But to be labeled the problem is just unfair Because it takes two to make a relationship work. Okay. It's part of why I chose to be a relationship coach for men, because men get a bum rap as being labeled the problem, you know, and being labeled the problem, you know it just does no one any good. It only causes harm and disconnect. The one who only sees the other as the problem is not taking responsibility or accountability for their own shit, and the one being labeled as the problem can end up feeling like shit, less than a man, you know. He can end up feeling frustrated and angry and, as a result, feeling disconnected in the relationship, right?.

Bill Simpson: 2:44

It's like what happened to a patient of mine who was referred to me by his therapist at the clinic where I work. I'll call him Benji, not his real name, of course. When he came to me he thought he was the biggest fuck-up on the planet. I'm telling you, man, he thought everything that was bad in his relationship was his fault Because his partner, bettina not her real name, bettina told him so Every single day it was something. He didn't have a good enough job, he didn't do enough around the house, he was always late, always forgetting something, never did anything for her, never did anything right. She was relentless. And what was interesting, or sad really, was that Benji agreed. Yeah, he said that he had heard it all his life, so it must be true.

Bill Simpson: 3:37

And it turned out that Benji had been diagnosed with ADHD as a kid. And for those who don't know, adhd stands for attention deficit, hyperactivity disorder and, like it implies, those with ADHD tend to get easily distracted or they can get really hyper-focused, they can be disorganized, they can be impulsive and hyperactive and, sadly, those with this diagnosis are often labeled the problem, especially with boys and men. And the reality is that it can be a real challenge being in a relationship with someone with ADHD, with someone with ADHD.

Bill Simpson: 4:22

The good news is that it is treatable, often with meds, therapy and coaching or some other things. So, anyway, when Benji told me about his ADHD, it all made sense. You know the things he said that Bettina was saying about him. I asked Benji what he was doing about his ADHD and he said that he used to take meds and had stopped for a while, but now he had reconnected with his psychiatrist and that he was back to taking meds and seeing his therapist. And the reason his therapist referred him to me was to learn some skills to help him cope with his ADHD.

Bill Simpson: 4:56

The first thing we worked with was his identity mindset around ADHD that it did not define him as a person, that it was just a label for how his brain works and that he had a lot of positive traits that can come with ADHD. He was very creative and artistic as a musician and sound designer. He was kind, he was fun to be around, had a great sense of humor, and I shared with him that he wasn't alone with his ADHD, that there are millions of people with ADHD, including a lot of smart, successful, creative, talented and famous people. I also helped him realize that ADHD was not an excuse for when he fucked up. You know it was his responsibility to be accountable for his behavior in life in general and especially in his relationship. I made him aware of how his behavior could impact Bettina and how to have empathy for her around it and also to ask her for some grace around his ADHD that his lack of focus was not intentional it's just how his brain works and for Bettina to be patient with his efforts to improve that.

Bill Simpson: 6:11

He probably had a 50-50 chance of getting it right, especially in the beginning, and those efforts to improve included us working on creating systems to help with his focus, creating structure and routine learning, mindfulness practices like self-compassion, meditation and tai chi, as well as mindful communications to help how he handled conflicts and better ways to respond and talk to Bettina. He handled conflicts and better ways to respond and talk to Bettina, and over time, benji got better Through getting the proper medication, therapy and mind-body practices. It all started to click and he found a new way of showing up in his life. The people close to him noticed this positive change, especially Bettina, and she grew too and having a better understanding of Benji and his mental health, able to separate the condition from Benji himself as a person, and what I appreciate is that it was a combination of Benji's hard work and commitment to his growth and Bettina's openness that made it all work. Now it's not to say that Benji doesn't lose focus and get distracted and all that unintentional behavior that would drive Bettina crazy. No, it's still there, yet it's gotten much better and the main thing is that he no longer sees himself as the problem, and neither does Bettina. They now know how to handle any issue that may come their way and they know where to get help if they need it. The bottom line is their commitment to their growth and each other, and it's a beautiful thing to witness.

Bill Simpson: 7:53

So this is just one example of how men can be labeled the problem in relationship, and in the case of Benji and Bettina, it's due in part to Benji's mental health condition, and that's certainly not the only reason as to why men tend to be labeled the problem. It really comes down to how we as men have been conditioned, you know, and how we communicate and how we handle our emotions, how we resolve conflicts and what's expected of us as men in relationship.

Bill Simpson: 8:27

Now it makes sense to me that if we've been conditioned to hold back our emotions and not to show vulnerability, maybe not to communicate effectively, whereas women are more apt to be more open with their emotions and be more vulnerable and talk about it, that women could see the man as the problem and blame him for not being satisfied in the relationship. Well, there's research that validates this. Men who have been conditioned this way can have a hard time expressing his needs. Conditioned this way can have a hard time expressing his needs, resolving conflicts and showing emotional availability, which all are a big part of a healthy, long-term relationship.

Bill Simpson: 9:13

Now another thing that comes into play is the traditional norms around masculinity and the whole power dynamics thing, you know, having to be in control, to be dominant and independent and whatnot. So if men resist being open emotionally or they dominate making decisions and all that, they may be perceived as being stubborn, not having empathy or not being willing to change and again being seen as the problem. And traditionally men are more likely to shut down emotionally and avoid or not talk about an issue or what's going on with them, whereas women traditionally are more apt to resolve an issue and to talk openly. And in the woman's eye, again he's the problem.

Bill Simpson: 9:57

And these are things I hear over and over from the women in my clinical practice, and I do explain to them how men have been traditionally conditioned to be this way and that it's not their fault, really. You know, it's a matter of awareness, and having this awareness and being re-conditioned or learn a new way of being, you know, a new way of behaving, to grow and make the relationship the best it can be, so it will last. And it was definitely a learned behavior for me and it went against what I used to think of what it meant to be a man, and I'm so glad I have this awareness today.

Bill Simpson: 10:40

So what can men do to stop being labeled or perceived as the problem in relationship? Well, there's a saying that my mentor says a lot and I've said it on this podcast too and that is you are the problem and you are the solution. And that applies to when you want to blame your spouse or partner or the world for all your problems. What it means is you've got to take a look at yourself first. Now it would be nice if your spouse or partner would look at herself instead of seeing you as the problem, right? Unfortunately, you have no control over that, but if you really want the relationship to work, then be willing to look at yourself, see your part in it and be the solution. I say this as much for you as for her and the long term of your relationship and it's time to have the courage to challenge those traditional norms.

Bill Simpson: 11:36

All right, so if you're finding yourself, you know, shutting down emotionally, having a hard time talking about and expressing your emotions or your thoughts or your needs, then it's time for you to let go of your ego and your fear and working on developing a sense of emotional awareness. Get in touch with what you feel and need. Yeah, it's hard, I know it's hard. It was hard for me and it still can be challenging at times. Yet it's well worth it, man. Yeah, and it may be hard at first, but I'm telling you from my own experience it will make a huge difference and I've seen it in the guys that I work with.

Bill Simpson: 12:20

And the thing is, she'll have more clarity and understand you better. She'll feel more connected and she'll have the opportunity to give you what you need. And if you suppress your thoughts, your feelings and your needs, she won't know and that can lead to her being frustrated and feeling disconnected. She can't read your mind, you know. You've got to talk to her. And if you shut down and keep it all in, well, she could read your energy. You know, and she'll know that something's wrong. But she can't read your mind. You've got to talk to her. And when you do talk to her, express yourself in a calm and respectful way. And that brings to mind to work on your communication skills.

Bill Simpson: 13:04

Listening is a vital part in communication. Pay attention to what she says and say it back to her so she feels seen and heard. You know, instead of getting defensive right out the gate, ask her to tell you more so that you get clarity of where she's coming from. And it's not about right or wrong, it's about her feeling seen and heard. I say this so much in my podcast and it's so important you can validate her experience without it being your fault. It's saying I'm sorry, you experienced me that way. That wasn't my intention and I can see how you might feel that way, or something along those lines. And instead of pointing fingers and saying you always blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, start with those I statements. I talk about a lot. You know I feel I need, I feel fill in the blank. I need fill in the blank. You know it's like I feel hurt by what you said and I need you to apologize.

Bill Simpson: 14:12

Another thing to do if you have a hard time being vulnerable is to change your mindset around vulnerability. You know, instead of seeing it as a weakness, see it as what it is a strength. Have the courage to be your best self in relationship and be vulnerable, because with vulnerability comes trust, a sense of safety and intimacy in your relationship, and all that is necessary for the long term of your relationship.

Bill Simpson: 14:38

Work on being empathetic, you know, putting yourself in your spouse or partner's shoes and instead of trying to solve the problem or control the situation, just listen and support how she might feel. That may be all she needs, and then she could solve the problem, or you can solve it together, if she wants, and check in with her from time to time to see how she's doing emotionally and let her know that you're there for emotional support as well. So those are just some of the ways you can be the solution to being the so-called problem in relationship, and I want to say that it's not just how men have been conditioned in our society that may see us as the problem. It can also be our unhealed emotional wounds from our past. You know the fears that we don't talk about and our mental health, like with Benji's . story And and all of I'm I'm men Men and women, it's all the same. It's just that men have been conditioned a certain way and if you're up for challenging these traditional norms and making the necessary changes, you'll be setting yourself up for an amazing relationship with yourself and your spouse or partner. And I know it can be really hard to change and to let go of our old ways and our old stories. Yet, man, let me tell you, it's worth it. I know personally how rewarding it can be, so I encourage you to go for it.

Bill Simpson: 16:14

Now, in closing out this episode, I'd like to share a quote from author, actor and co-host of the man Enough podcast, justin Baldoni. He says, quote Men can rewrite the narrative of being the problem by becoming the solution, by showing up, speaking truth and loving boldly. Unquote. Yeah, man, that's what I'm talking about and that's it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the how to stop being labeled the problem in relationship episode. My name is Bill Simpson. I thank you for taking the time to listen.

Bill Simpson: 16:55

Now, coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, I'm going to be talking about something that most of us own, that can have a real negative impact on our relationship, and you may not even realize it. It's that handy little device that we can't live without these days. I'm talking about our phones. You'll hear Carl's story and how being on his phone caused serious problems in his relationship and what he did about it. Please join me for the Get Off your Phone and Get Into your Relationship episode.

Bill Simpson: 17:30

And, hey, if you have any ideas or topics for the show, please share them with me by going to my website, menonthepathtolove. com. You can email me right from my website. I also have a free video you can download, called five ways to get the recognition you deserve in relationship. It's a short video, about 10 minutes long, that is packed with useful information that can help you get that recognition you deserve in your relationship and live the life you love. Yeah, and if you want to talk about how I can support you and what's going on in your relationship, you can sign up for a free hour-long coaching session with me at my website as well. Once again, it's at menonthepathtolove. com. and

Bill Simpson: 18:15

And with this whole Men on the Path to Love thing. Man, it's not just a job, it is my calling. I have been called to share the love worldwide y'all, and you can help me by sharing this podcast with your friends, family, social media, anybody you think could use it. Yeah, share the link to this podcast and share the love, and until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.