Get Off Your Phone and Into Your Relationship*

In this episode of Men on the Path to Love podcast, I talk about the impact that our smartphones can have on our relationships. Are you putting your phone ahead of the people you love? Think about it. You'll hear Carl's story and what being on his phone did to his relationship and what he did about it. I'll share some research, and what you can do to disconnect from your phone and get connected with the one you love. Check out the Get Off Your Phone and Into Your Relationship, episode.                                                                                                  

*Language

Chapters

• 11:31 Introduction: Get Off Your Phone, Get Into Your Relationship
• 47:42 Carl's Story: The Cost of Phone Addiction in Love
• 10:01:39 Solutions for Reducing Phone Distraction in Relationships

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:11

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the get off your phone and get in to your relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who want to stop suffering in relationships and who want a deeper sense of love and connection. I coach him how to do it and how to be the best version of himself for himself and for his current or future relationship, to live the life he loves.

Bill Simpson: 0:43

So what would we do without our phones, right? You know? I think most of us can't imagine not having a phone and I think, for the most part, phones are good. You know we need them. It's just part of where we are now with technology and there are a lot of different advantages to having a phone, especially in relationship. Our phones allow us to stay in touch with our significant others throughout the day, you know, through texts and calls, video chat, voicemail, and they're great to have, like I said, in case of an emergency. You can share things with your significant other, like memes, music videos. You know reels, other, like memes, music videos, you know reels, articles and, of course, podcasts. Hint, hint. You can send each other content that makes you think of each other, whether it's a silly reel or pictures or videos that bring back great memories. It's just a way to stay connected.

Bill Simpson: 1:39

So I could go on and on with good stuff about phones, but I think you got the picture right. So I'm not here to bash phones. No, I'm here to shed some light on how our phone usage can negatively impact our relationships. And what prompted me to do this episode was observing couples at restaurants with both of them being on their phones and not interacting with each other, with both of them being on their phones and not interacting with each other. I see it all the time old, young, you know, in between and I've seen it at my own family gatherings, where the whole room of people are on their phones and, again, not interacting, not connecting. So I decided to do some research and was really surprised how much extensive research has been done around this. You know and it's not again that phones are bad, it's how that they're used in relationship that makes the difference, and it can go both ways. You know, they can either strengthen your connection or make it weaker, and sometimes it can be a fine line.

Bill Simpson: 2:46

Now I'll dive into the research in a few, but first I want to share Carl's story not his real name. He was on his phone so much that it caused problems in his relationship with his fiancée, claire not her real name either. You see, carl had his own business. He was an investments guy and he was on his phone a lot dealing with clients from all over the world, from different time zones. So he was taking calls and answering texts during all hours of the day, and there were countless times where he and Claire would be in the middle of a conversation and the phone would ring and he would interrupt the conversation to take the call, or he would be texting while she was trying to have a conversation with him. And it even happened a few times when they were having sex. His phone went off and he answered it, and when Claire would say something about it, all Carl would say was that it was his business, it's what he had to do. He would say things like how do you think you got those diamond rings you wear? Or that dress I bought you, and so on. He never apologized for his behavior, because he didn't see that he was doing anything wrong, because he saw it as his business came first. End of story.

Bill Simpson: 4:03

Well, it finally came to a head when Claire had to be rushed to the ER with severe stomach pains. Carl was with her. Yet when the doctor came in to give Claire her prognosis, carl got a call and excused himself from the room to take the call. Well, needless to say, claire was pissed. Well, needless to say, claire was pissed. And what made it worse is it turned out that Claire was pregnant and she didn't know it. Well, when he got back to the room and found out that Claire was pregnant, he got all happy and whatnot, you know. And Claire wasn't having it and Carl knew he was in trouble. And on the way home from the ER, they tried to talk about it, but Claire was so angry that she decided to table it until she was in a better place to talk, which was a good move on her part.

Bill Simpson: 4:55

After a good night's sleep and feeling better, claire approached Carl to have a talk and the first thing she did was insist that he turned his cell phone off. And he tried to resist, but she was adamant about it. She was like mm-mm and he reluctantly agreed. She also asked that he just hear her out before saying anything, and he agreed. He knew he was in deep shit. So anyway, claire explained how frustrating it was for her and even how disrespectful it felt when Carl would choose his phone call or text over her you know interrupting their conversations and how humiliating it was when he took calls in the middle of them making love, and she told him that in her mind, no client in the world was worth the damage he was doing to their relationship and if he felt otherwise, that their engagement would be over, she wasn't taking it anymore.

Bill Simpson: 5:55

Well, this really woke Carl up. I mean, it just hit him like a ton of bricks and he realized how selfish he had been. He was always taught that as a man, that business came first, you know being the provider, and now, with the thought of losing Claire, it turned his whole outlook upside down. He got really quiet and looked at Claire in the eyes and apologized deeply. He said that she was right. You know that no client in the world was worth losing what they had and that he would work on it. Claire was so touched and relieved because she hated the thought of leaving him.

Bill Simpson: 6:39

Well, to make a long story short, carl and Claire collaborated to establish boundaries with their phone usage. Claire even admitted that she spent a lot of time on her phone with social media and games, and that she wasn't always present with Carl either. And ultimately they worked it out. And it's not to say that it wasn't challenging or that they don't violate the boundaries occasionally. It's that they've got a mutual understanding now and that they keep each other in check and it's all good. So there you go. That's just one way in how we use our phones can negatively impact a relationship.

Bill Simpson: 7:27

Now, going back to the research I mentioned earlier, I found out that this is a thing you know, it's called fubbing, which is basically snubbing another person or your spouse or partner in this case in favor of your phone. And I had no idea it was a thing. I mean, I knew people did it, I just didn't know. They came up with the name fubbing. Well, anyway, one study found that fubbing increases relationship dissatisfaction, as partners feel disrespected, like Claire did, or unimportant or maybe even undervalued. Another study found that excessive phone use is linked to higher relationship conflict and, with that, lower relationship satisfaction, especially when one partner perceives the other's phone use as intrusive or just too much. And in that same study they came up with a term called technoference. And in that same study, they came up with a term called technoference, in other words, technology interfering with real-life interactions, which can lead to arguments, resentment and feeling emotionally disconnected.

Bill Simpson: 8:45

Here's one I found that said that excessive smartphone use is linked to decreased intimacy and sexual satisfaction. When partners prioritize screen time over FaceTime or skin-to-skin time, it can certainly lead to a loss of physical and emotional intimacy. And one more study found that when one partner feels ignored due to phone use, that they may withdraw emotionally, leading to feelings of loneliness, frustration and disconnection. And you know where those feelings could take you, right? So, like I said, there's a lot of research out here and you may think that, oh, it's no big deal, you know phones, yes, so what? Everybody does it. Well, obviously it's serious if all this research keeps showing it and, frankly, you may be in denial, right. So I'm asking you to take an honest look at yourself and see if you're guilty of fubbing, and then think about your spouse or partner's phone behavior and see if there's some truth in that it could be interfering with your connection or your relationship.

Bill Simpson: 9:51

Now the question is what to do about it. And before I get into all that, I want to say that this isn't a man thing, you know. I mean, it goes both ways. Men and women, doesn't matter, we all can be, you know, sitting with our spouse or partner and instead of connecting, we get caught up in doom, strolling, texting, checking notifications and, you know, just being attached to our damn phones. Okay, all right, so we're probably all guilty of this at some level. So what can we do about it?

Bill Simpson: 10:25

Well, I've got some tips for you to help you get a grip on how to get off your phone and into your relationship. First is to talk about it, you know, have an open and honest conversation without pointing any blame at one another. Just try to come to a mutual agreement that you'd both like to be on your phones less and connect more when you're with each other, and don't do that whole tit for tat thing you know like. Well, if she's on her phone, I'll be on mine, you know. No, come to a mutual agreement, and once you do, then you're off to a great start. Now remember, if you want your spouse or partner to be more present and not be distracted by their phone, you have to model it. Show that your relationship is more important than being on your phone. And if you're not sure if your phone use is impacting your spouse or partner. Just check in and find out, just ask, and this helps you to be accountable, show that you're paying attention and have a better understanding of where she's coming from.

Bill Simpson: 11:34

So one idea is to agree on having like phone-free time or like a phone-free zone. My wife and I, we have this general rule about no phones at the dinner table. It could also be when you're having a date night or before bed. I mean, it really comes down to what works for both of you, and the research suggests that phone-free quality time improves relationship satisfaction and emotional connection. I would think so, right? Yeah, of course.

Bill Simpson: 12:10

Now make sure that when your spouse or partner is talking to you, that you pay attention. Yeah, man, don't be looking at your phone going uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah, uh. No, put your phone down, man, and make eye contact with her and listen to what she has to say, and it goes both ways. Expect the same from her. Make sure that she's really connecting instead of looking at her phone when you're trying to talk to her. And another idea is just turn off your notifications when you're having quality time. That way you can avoid distractions and I know this may be hard at first or you may forget at times. So have some grace here, but make that a practice. That way you won't be as distracted. Have some grace here, but make that a practice. And you can also agree on setting limits on how much social media or other apps you may be looking at that take you away from connecting with your spouse or partner.

Bill Simpson: 13:11

And I get it. You know it's so easy to just doom scroll right and yet the next thing you know, an hour, maybe two hours have gone by and you just can't get that time back. You know it's done and think about it. That time could have been spent connecting with your spouse or partner for the good of your relationship. Right, and one thing I mentioned at the beginning of the podcast talking about the good stuff around phone usage, and that was how you can use your phone together. You know, sharing funny memes or reels, playing a game together, listen to a podcast like Men on the Path to Love together, and so on.

Bill Simpson: 13:55

Now I have to say that sometimes being on our phones is a way to avoid interacting or connecting with our spouse or partner. So it's important to be really honest with yourself here, because there could be a deeper issue underneath the surface that you may need to take a look at. You may not know what's going on with her, but if you are doing it to avoid, that's something to take a look at and figure out what that is, and I would do it sooner than later, you know. Talk about it or, better yet, get some professional help to help you sort things out. Because, again, the sooner the better, then you can kind of nip this in the bud. Don't let it go too long, and there's no shame to getting help. That's why I'm here and that's why a lot of other professionals are here for you.

Bill Simpson: 14:47

All right, so now you have some ideas to try out if you think you guys' phone use is getting the way of connecting. And again, be honest with yourself. It may be a lot easier to be on your phone than to really connect with your partner or spouse, but let me tell you it's far worth the effort in the long run of your relationship. Otherwise, you are risking drifting apart and becoming strangers. Because your phone got in the way. Your phone became more important. You were fubbing, so get honest and think about it. All right, all right.

Bill Simpson: 15:28

I'm going to close this episode with a quote from Oprah which is kind of a modern take on the Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh's quote, and she's right on point. She says, quote the most precious gift you can give someone is your undivided attention. No text, tweet or notification is more valuable than "... Thank you, Oprah, and that will bring this season three finale to a close. The Get Off Your Phone and Get Into Your Yelationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you for listening and if you are a repeat listener to this show, thank you for another great season. I do appreciate your support.

Bill Simpson: 16:15

Now I'm going to be taking a brief hiatus, just a couple of weeks, as I tweak a few things and make season four even better than all the other three. And if you have any ideas, please tell me so I can make Men on the Path to Love podcast better for you to listen to. Please let me know. You can go to my website, menonthepathtolovecom. I would love to hear from you and while I'm on hiatus, I will continue to send emails out to my list giving you reruns of some of the most popular episodes. So if you would like to be on my email list to get your weekly episode delivered to you in your inbox. Just email me at bill at men, on the path to lovecom.

Bill Simpson: 17:01

And what do you say that we collectively light up this planet with some more love, y'all? Yeah, don't you think we need it? Well then, share the link to this podcast and share the love, and until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.