Men on the Path to Love
Relationship coach Bill Simpson offers stories and wisdom, to inspire men be the best version of themselves in relationship and live the life they love.
Men on the Path to Love
Understanding and Overcoming Jealousy in Relationship
Jealousy is a complex emotion that most people experience, yet it's often misunderstood and can be either toxic or healthy depending on how it's managed. You'll hear Tina and Ike's story and how jealousy impacted their relationship. And I will help you get an understanding of what jealousy is all about and what you can do to overcome it. Check out the Understanding and Overcoming Jealousy in Relationship, episode.
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Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast understanding and overcoming jealousy in relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in relationship, men who want deeper love, real connection and to finally feel like themselves again. I help them become the best version of themselves, for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.
Bill Simpson:Jealousy it's one of those emotions that most people have either experienced directly or had others feel jealous of them. I know from my own experience feeling jealous is a terrible feeling. Jealousy is often misunderstood and that's why I decided to cover the topic in this episode. I'm going to break it down into two parts. The first part I will help you understand what jealousy is all about, you know what we're accustomed to understand about jealousy and that is the toxic aspect of jealousy, and you might be surprised to know that there is actually healthy jealousy, yeah. And the second part is about overcoming jealousy in relationship, and this can get tricky. Unless you're willing to do the work to overcome it, chances are it will keep showing up.
Bill Simpson:I'm going to share some research on how to understand and overcome jealousy, but first I want to share a story about a couple that I was seeing in my private practice Tina and Ike's story not their real names. Ike was in a marriage that had run its course when he met Tina, a single mom and successful entrepreneur. She owns clothing boutiques. They connected right away. Tina was struck by Ike's compassion and his humor, while Ike admired Tina's strength and independence.
Bill Simpson:Early on in the relationship, they were honest with each other. Ike let Tina know that he was still legally married, living in the same house with his wife, and Tina let him know that she had just ended a friendship with benefits situation and still remained in contact with that friend. At first neither one of them felt threatened, but over time Ike started to get increasingly uneasy about Tina still communicating with her former friend with benefits, and Tina grew resentful that Ike questioned her while still being married and living in the same house as his wife.
Bill Simpson:Well, in two sessions with me, I helped them unpack the deeper issues. For Tina, it was about understanding how her continued communication with her friend could trigger Ike's past wound from being cheated on, and for Ike it was about owning the fact that his unresolved divorce was causing insecurity and mixed signals. Well, they left the second session feeling seen and heard.
Bill Simpson:Ike soon filed for divorce and began the process of moving on. Tina, meanwhile, was launching a new boutique, selling her house and trying to buy a new one and juggling life as a single mom of two. Both were under tremendous stress, but instead of turning toward each other, they started unraveling. Ike, feeling neglected, began accusing Tina of cheating and snooping through her phone. Tina was exhausted. She felt disrespected and misunderstood, but began as a promising connection was slowly drifting apart by unchecked jealousy and not feeling safe emotionally.
Bill Simpson:Now I wish I could say there's a happy ending to this story, and maybe there will be, but the truth is I don't know where things stand. Ike didn't want to return for another session, and the last I heard from Tina, she said that she needed to have a serious talk with Ike. So maybe there's a part two coming. I don't know. Stay tuned. What I can say, though, is that jealousy was taking a serious toll on their relationship.
Bill Simpson:Now, if I were still working with Ike, the first thing I would do is validate his feelings. You know, it makes sense to me that he'd feel jealous. His wife cheated on him and now his partner, tina, has an ongoing connection with someone she used to be intimate with. That's a trigger and that deserves attention and care. And I'd also help Ike see that even if he has cause for jealousy, how he handles it matters. Accusations, name-calling and acting out is not going to help Tina feel any closer to him. In fact, they'll push her away. So I would encourage him to have compassion for his pain instead of acting out from it, to be direct and vulnerable about what he's feeling, and to learn how to express what he needs without putting Tina down.
Bill Simpson:And for Tina I'd talk about balance you know boundaries around work, transparency in her communication, reassuring Ike that he's important, he's a priority, while also holding the line when he becomes accusatory or controlling. Building trust goes both ways, and so does protecting that trust.
Bill Simpson:And look, I don't want to get too hypothetical here, but if I had to guess, I'd say this is a couple under pressure and that unhealed pain plus stress is making everything worse. The bottom line here is that toxic jealousy can turn what could be a promising relationship into a hot mess, and if we don't address what's under the jealousy, it just keeps showing up in unhealthy ways. Healing is possible. Both of them have to want it.
Bill Simpson:So now let's take a look at understanding what jealousy is all about, how jealousy can get triggered and what the research has to say. I'm going to start with research that sees jealousy from an evolutionary perspective that it was used as a protective emotion to make sure we maintain exclusivity with our partner and to keep them from seeking others and from others to seek them. This would ensure that they would have kids and keep the genetic lineage intact. Makes sense, right? So fast forward to today.
Bill Simpson:There's research that says that jealousy is linked to low self-esteem, attachment style and the fear of being abandoned or a sense of losing control. I'm going to go deeper into some of that in a minute, but first I want to share an interesting 2006 study that showed that jealousy activates the same part of the brain as it does physical pain. So this would make sense why jealousy can feel so intense, right? I know how awful I felt when I experienced jealousy.
Bill Simpson:Now I mentioned attachment style as being a factor. Well, the research says that what's called attachment theory plays a big part in how jealousy shows up in our adult relationships. Basically, the idea of attachment theory says that our early experiences with our parents or caregivers significantly shape how we understand ourselves and others, which can influence our relationships and behaviors in life. So let me break down attachment theory a little bit here for you.
Bill Simpson:There's what's called anxious attachment and this is often driven by fear of abandonment, like I mentioned for myself, that's where I would get jealous. Now this could show up like what it did with Ike. That's where I would get jealous. Now this could show up like what it did with Ike, and that was him checking Tina's phone. You know needing constant reassurance or overanalyzing Tina's behavior. All right, that's anxious attachment. Then there's avoidant attachment and this is when one avoids emotional intimacy and they may seem detached. But when jealousy is triggered it can come out sideways, through sarcasm, withdrawing or being passive-aggressive.
Bill Simpson:And a third aspect of attachment is secure attachment. This is where one still experiences jealousy but usually manages it with using direct communication and trust building. This secure attachment is a more healthy form of jealousy, whereas anxious and avoidant attachment were more toxic. So that's the difference between toxic and healthy jealousy. You know, we can have jealousy, it just depends on how we respond to it. And if we're doing it in an unhealthy way, you know, that's bad news.
Bill Simpson:So you can see how, when we carry all of our unhealed wounds from our past or past relationships, how it can negatively impact the next one, and especially if you've been cheated on, like with Ike, or maybe you felt betrayed some other way or didn't feel emotionally supported, and that's why toxic jealousy comes out. You know like who's she texting, who's she talking to? Or there could be flashbacks of a previous relationship saying things like that's what my ex used to do all the time, or even having feelings of low self-worth, you know, thinking I'm not good enough, I'm worthless, blah, blah, blah.
Bill Simpson:So, with all this in mind, you might want to think of jealousy that is experienced today or in the moment that it has less to do with what's actually happening in that moment and more to do with the unresolved pain from the past. And that unresolved pain can turn into toxic jealousy which can cause serious damage to a relationship. It can chip away at trust and safety. It can create resentment and emotional distance, causing couples to drift apart. It can become a dynamic where it's more about control instead of about connection, and if the issue is not dealt with appropriately, then it could get out of hand with abuse, verbally, emotionally or even physically. And if it ever gets abusive. By all means, get some help.
Bill Simpson:Okay, so how do we overcome jealousy? Well, the first thing I think of is to create, or have, a sense of self-awareness. You might want to think of jealousy as it's often less about the other person's behavior and more about your response, physiologically or emotionally, to what you perceive as real or imagined threats of losing the one you love. What's real? Ask yourself.
Bill Simpson:Now, to help you with that, I encourage you to journal. I was resistant to it at first and I tell you it's changed my life. It's really helpful. It's helpful to get out what triggers your jealousy, write it all out and then respond to those triggers with a sense of self-compassion. Don't beat yourself up. Love yourself in spite of your jealousy and give yourself some grace. We are all suspect to it and if you recognize in yourself that you may be stuck in an attachment style that's either anxious attachment or avoidant attachment, I encourage you to get some support through therapy or a coach to help you feel more emotionally secure. And, once you have awareness of your jealousy, work on communicating better with your spouse or partner.
Bill Simpson:Come from using, I feel and I need. I talk about this all the time in my podcast. You know I feel I need, rather than being accusatory, and that I feel I need could sound like you know I'm feeling jealous and I need to figure out what's going on with me. I'll check in with you later. Be vulnerable, share your thoughts and feelings versus acting out or saying something you may regret, and know that it's okay to set a boundary without having to be controlling, and this is so important. Rather than say, Ike, saying, block your friend or we're done, that's controlling. Okay, now you could say something like I got to be honest with you when you're texting your friend.
Bill Simpson:It brings up insecurity in me and I know it's something I need to work on, but I also want to feel safe in our relationship. I know it's something I need to work on, but I also want to feel safe in our relationship. I'm not asking you to cut him off, but I'd appreciate it if you could be open with me about the nature of your conversations and just reassure me that there's nothing I need to worry about. And you might want to add something like can we talk about how we both want to handle friendships with exes moving forward? What a difference that would make, right? Yeah, and it's an easy fix. Really. That's the way I see it.
Bill Simpson:So I want to reiterate that it's important to know that jealousy happens, man, it's not a character flaw. It's called being human, and the difference is how you respond to it. Like I mentioned, there's healthy jealousy and toxic jealousy. With the right awareness, tools and support, you can transform your jealousy and to build a deeper sense of trust, first with yourself and with your partner or spouse. And if you feel your jealousy is getting in the way of your relationship, I really encourage you to do the inner work it requires to get to the other side. I'm here to support you in any way that I can, so please reach out.
Bill Simpson:All right, I'm going to close this episode with a quote about jealousy from American writer and Buddhist teacher, jack Kornfield. He says quote American writer and Buddhist teacher, jack Kornfield. He says, quote the cure for jealousy is to recognize it as a sign that we are not secure in ourselves. Unquote yeah, man, a wake-up call for sure, right, yeah, and that will do it for another episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the understanding and overcoming jealousy in relationship episode.
Bill Simpson:I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you got something out of it. Now coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, has addiction ever played a part in your relationship? Does your partner have an addiction that is sabotaging your relationship, or do you know someone whose addiction is impacting their relationship? Then you'll definitely want to listen to the next episode, where you'll hear Justin's story and the impact of his wife's shopping addiction had on their marriage and what you can do if your spouse or partner has an addiction.
Bill Simpson:How do you deal with a partner's addiction? Please join me for the Navigating your Partner's Addiction Without Losing Yourself episode Now. If you have any topics or ideas for the show, please let me know in the show notes or go to my website, menonthepathtolovecom. You can also sign up for a free hour-long coaching call with me to talk about anything you'd like. Sometimes, all it takes is that one call to get the clarity to take the action needed. Just go to menonthepathtolovecom. I'm here to help and remember, until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.