Navigating Your Partner's Addiction Without Losing Yourself

Addiction can be under the surface of many relationships, often subtle addictions we don't immediately recognize as dangerous. While substance abuse might be the first thing that comes to mind, the emotional devastation of gambling addiction, shopping addiction, workaholism, gaming obsession, or food dependency, and more, can be equally destructive to a relationship.In this episode, You'll hear Justin & Jessica's story and the painful impact Jessica's shopping addiction had on their marriage.  

Whether you're currently navigating a partner's addiction or supporting someone who is, this episode offers practical guidance for the challenging road ahead. Remember that while you can walk alongside someone in their recovery journey, you cannot walk the path for them—and sometimes, loving yourself means making the difficult choice to step away. Check out the Navigating Your Partner's Addiction Without Losing Yourself, episode.

Join me for my weekly live event "Beyond the Episode" on Wednesdays at 7:00 pm Eastern US. Click here for the Zoom link. Replay on YouTube.

Link: Al-Anon Support for families and friends of addicts.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Addiction's Impact
• 1:49 Justin and Jessica's Shopping Addiction Story
• 5:30 Understanding the Roots of Addiction
• 9:17 Setting Boundaries Without Enabling
• 12:35 Self-Care and Moving Forward
• 15:38 Next Episode Preview

Transcript

Bill Simpson : 0:12

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the navigating your partner's addiction without losing yourself episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in relationships, men who want deeper love, real connection and to finally feel like themselves again. I help them become the best version of themselves, for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson : 0:46

Addiction man, it can disrupt, derail and even destroy the best of relationships and families. It certainly has impacted my family, and to have a spouse or partner with an addiction can be extremely hard to navigate. I'm not going to lie to you, and hopefully this episode will shed some light on how you or someone you know can deal with a partner's addiction without losing oneself.

Bill Simpson : 1:16

A lot of times when we think of addiction, we go to drug and alcohol addiction right, which can be devastating and it usually carries a certain stigma with it. But there are so many other forms of addiction that are more subtle and may not carry the same stigma, but can be just as devastating nonetheless. There's social media and internet addiction, video gaming addiction, food addiction, gambling addiction, sex and porn addiction. There's work addiction you know, workaholic exercise addiction, hoarding is a type of addiction, and so many more I'm sure you can add to this list. We can be addicted to anything, really often as a way to avoid pain and discomfort.

Bill Simpson : 2:09

I'll get into more about addiction, but first I'm going to share Justin and Jessica's story not their real names, of course and how Justin navigated Jessica's shopping addiction. There's actually a name for it it's oniomania which I had never heard before until doing the research on this. Anyway, Justin and Jessica met at a mutual friend's party. Justin was a successful investment broker and was used to a lifestyle of fine dining, luxury cars, exotic vacations and things like that, and when they started dating, he spoiled Jessica with all these lavish gifts to make her feel special. In the first few months of dating, he surprised her with a designer handbag on their first Valentine's Day together. For her birthday, he took her to a private beach resort in the Virgin Islands, and for their six-month anniversary he gave her a diamond bracelet.

Bill Simpson : 3:10

Now, Jessica, an elementary school teacher, wasn't used to this lifestyle. She came from a humble background. Both her parents were school teachers, and growing up, jessica never went without in terms of what she needed, and yet she always wanted a little bit more Like when she was a teenager and she wanted a pair of designer sneakers like her friends. But her parents said no, that she had to buy the less expensive shoes that were more practical and affordable. So, going back to Justin's generosity, it was a big adjustment for Jessica, but over time she grew accustomed to it and ultimately they decided to get married.

Bill Simpson : 3:52

And when they did, they really went all out, spent a lot of money and after the wedding, jessica got a little too used to her new lifestyle. She was buying designer clothes, treating her friends to expensive restaurants and randomly buying luxury items. And one day Justin noticed an expensive espresso machine in the kitchen and he asked Jessica about it and she was like, oh, it's just a little upgrade for the kitchen, no big deal. And Justin reminded her in a gentle way that they needed to be mindful of their spending, especially after the cost of the wedding. Well, jessica felt embarrassed and she promised to cut back.

Bill Simpson : 4:43

But over time her need to keep up this lifestyle only grew. She began opening credit cards in her name and hiding purchases from Justin. Shopping became a way for her not to deal with her feelings of not being worthy of this lifestyle not good enough and to fill the void and boredom when Justin was working long hours. Well, one afternoon Justin got a call from their bank letting him know that there were several missed payments on a new credit card he didn't recognize. So he confronted Jessica about it and she broke down crying and all hysterical. And she did admit that she had accumulated almost $40,000 in debt.

Bill Simpson : 5:28

And, as you can imagine, this hit Justin hard. He felt betrayed and was really pissed off at first. Then, after some self-reflecting, he realized that it triggered memories from his childhood when his father was an alcoholic, almost lost their house because of his father's drinking and reckless financial behavior, and Justin had gone to therapy around this issue before he met Jessica. So he was able to connect the dots that Jessica's spending was not just careless. It was probably a way for her to avoid something deeper going on inside.

Bill Simpson : 6:07

Now, instead of Justin reacting with judgment, he decided to have empathy for Jessica. They had a heart-to-heart and he admitted that his working so much was his way of dealing with stress, kind of like his father did with alcohol. He told Jessica that he loved her and made it clear that they could not survive financially if she kept on spending money the way she was, and he set a strong, firm boundary and insisted that she get some help. Well, jessica was very apologetic, yet she was resistant to go to therapy, and when Justin explained how therapy had helped him deal with the issue around his father, she ultimately agreed to give it a try. And they also went to couples therapy to help rebuild Justin's trust in Jessica and how Justin could modify his workaholic tendencies. And together they worked it out.

Bill Simpson : 7:08

Jessica slowly established a better relationship with money and Justin continued to support her progress, while at the same time working on his self-care and making stronger boundaries with his career. Working as a team and on their individual stuff, they not only saved their marriage, they saved each other. And they were not perfect in their efforts to change, yet they gave each other grace as they both continued to grow. Yeah, and that's the key to working with any issue in relationship, right. Yeah, it's committing to working together as a team and on themselves individually. I have to say that, with Justin and Jessica, the fact that Jessica was willing to seek help, even though she resisted at first, I think that was the most important factor.

Bill Simpson : 8:03

Now you may be thinking well, jessica's addiction isn't as bad as, say, a heroin addiction. Right, and that may be true, but when an addict, no matter what they are addicted to, when they refuse to get help or think they can do it on their own, it makes navigating the issue extremely challenging and, frankly, it can leave the partner of the addict feeling helpless. Now, before I get into how to navigate your partner's addiction, I want to give a quick overview of where addiction can come from, and it's usually a combination of things, including genetics you know having a genetic predisposition for addiction psychological factors, stress and trauma, and, of course, environmental influences like being exposed to substance abuse early on or sexual abuse at an early age. And in Justin's case, you know, seeing his dad's alcoholism and nearly losing their home. So let's take a look at how you or again maybe someone you know can navigate a partner's addiction issue and keep from losing oneself.

Bill Simpson : 9:17

Well, first and foremost, it's making your self-care and your well-being a priority while giving your support, and that can be challenging in itself. I mean it's really hard. It's really hard to maintain that balance, and that may mean you seeking help to get the support you need, with all the stress of supporting an addict can entail. There's therapy, coaching, support groups like Al-Anon, who support families and friends of alcoholics or any addiction really, because the principles are the same and you can search for other support groups. Just make sure you're getting the support you need Now.

Bill Simpson : 10:00

Another way to take care of yourself is to set strong boundaries, and this helps you from burning out, because it takes a lot of energy to deal with an addict right, and also it keeps you from holding on to a lot of anger and resentment that may be building up or boiling inside. And let your partner or spouse know that when they violate your boundaries, that there will be definite consequences, that their choices have consequences, and try to make sure you do it in a calm, firm and nonjudgmental way. And that's inside them which may only drive the addict to do more. And remember you're supporting your partner, not the addiction. So what does setting a boundary sound like? It could be something like. You know, I can't control whether you use or not. Just know that if you do use when I'm here, you will have to leave.

Bill Simpson : 11:10

I heard a clever mantra the other day that someone said if you're sober, come on over, otherwise don't even think about it, right? So when you do set a boundary. Make sure you follow through and stick to it, otherwise it's not a boundary right. You're just enabling them. And speaking of enabling, make sure your support doesn't become codependency. I see it all the time. You know that you're not trying to fix or rescue your partner. Trying to fix or rescue your partner and this could be, I don't know, like making a car payment because they spent their money on their addiction. Remember, you're not responsible for them.

Bill Simpson : 11:54

The only way recovery from addiction works, like I said earlier, is when they take responsibility for their choices and by all means, acknowledge your spouse or partner for their efforts, but do not enable them when they relapse and again, you don't have to judge them either. You know you'll want to communicate openly and honestly and come from yourself, instead of pointing blame or shame, and one way to do that is by using I statements you know I talk about that a lot Instead of saying you relapsed, didn't you? Or you, you, you, no, try something. Like you know, I get worried when I see signs that you may have relapsed, and that takes a lot of patience and compassion, man, not to judge, yell, shame, accuse, all that. I know it's hard, but if you think about it again. It usually only makes matters worse, and that's why it's so important for you to get the help and support you need, so you can respond in a more conscious way.

Bill Simpson : 13:02

Now, along with communication, another thing that can be helpful is to agree on a plan if there is a relapse. You know what you will do if it happens, know who to call for help Maybe it's finding a support meeting and how to make sure that you're safe. And I want to add one more way to support your partner, and that is by doing sober activities together. For example, if alcohol is the addiction, don't go to parties where alcohol is served. I know it sounds obvious, but it happens and it's just too tempting. Like, don't take Jessica on a shopping spree, right. Like, don't take Jessica on a shopping spree, right, yeah. Instead, do things like I don't know, get out in nature, go hiking, exercise, do some volunteer work Anything that doesn't involve the addiction Common sense, right.

Bill Simpson : 14:00

So those are just some of the ways you can navigate your spouse or partner's addiction and take care of yourself and not to lose yourself and it is easy to lose yourself if you're not careful. And I'll say this over and over again Make sure you get the support you need and know that there is no shame to walk away from the relationship. If you've done all you can and the addictive behavior continues, you've got to take care of yourself. You can't save someone, they have to save themselves. So just to summarize, the bottom line here is that by combining self-care support for yourself, self-care support for yourself and setting firm boundaries, having honest communication, you can stand by your partner without sacrificing your own health and identity. It's hard and you can do it. Remember, you guide and encourage, but you don't carry the addiction alone. Get the support you need.

Bill Simpson : 15:05

Last time I'll say that, okay, I've got a quote from an unknown source that sums it up perfectly. It says, quote Supporting someone with an addiction doesn't mean sacrificing yourself. It means loving them while respecting your own boundaries Unquote while respecting your own boundaries unquote. And with that I'll wrap up this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Navigating your Partner's Addiction Without Losing Yourself episode. My name is Bill Simpson, thank you for listening, and if you want to dive deeper into this topic, please join me this Wednesday for a live event at 7 pm Eastern Time, us for Beyond the Episode, and I'll have the replay on YouTube as well.

Bill Simpson : 15:55

Now coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, I remember while in relationship with the woman who eventually became my third wife, I had transitioned from a long successful career as a radio personality to open my own holistic health practice, taking a zero off my previous salary in radio.

Bill Simpson : 16:16

Now I know this wasn't the only reason the marriage didn't work out, but I do believe it made it more stressful. Next time on the Men on the Path to Love podcast, I'll share John and Chrissy's story and how Chrissy's career change threw a wrench in their relationship and what they did about it and what you can do if there's a career change in your relationship. Please join me for how to handle a career change in relationship episode. and

Bill Simpson : 16:44

And if you have any comments, questions or ideas for the show, please reach out to me through the show notes or visit my website, menonthepathtolovecom. You can sign up for a free one-hour coaching session with me and we can talk about anything you'd like. I am here to support you and remember until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.