Men on the Path to Love
Relationship coach Bill Simpson offers stories and wisdom, to inspire men be the best version of themselves in relationship and live the life they love.
Men on the Path to Love
How to Handle Career Change in Relationship
Have you ever wondered how a career change might impact your relationship? Whether it's a promotion, a pay cut, a layoff, or a complete professional reinvention, these transitions are considered as one of life's most significant stressors.
I share my own experience transitioning from radio personality to holistic health practitioner to relationship coach. I explore both the challenges and opportunities career changes present for couples. I share John & Chrissy's story, and how Chrissy's career change caused unexpected stress on their marriage, when the financial dynamic shifted. Check out the How to Handle Career Change in Relationship, episode.
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Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the how to handle a career change and relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships, men who want deeper love, real connection and to finally feel like themselves again. I help them become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.
Bill Simpson:A career change can cause a considerable amount of stress in relationship. A career change can also be a great opportunity to grow as a couple, an opportunity to create a deeper connection. I'm in the third chapter of my professional life After over 30 years as a successful radio personality. My passion for personal growth led me to train in holistic health and coaching. That shift became my second career, launching a private practice and eventually working as a mind-body educator and integrative therapy practitioner at a major health clinic in Philadelphia. Now, in my third transition, I've stepped into what feels like my true calling coaching men on their path to love and healing.
Bill Simpson:Was the tradition from radio to holistic health and coaching hard on my relationship at the time? Absolutely. It came with a major pay cut for me and also a shift in my identity, you know, from morning show celebrity to the holistic health coach guy, and I think that change was tough for my second wife to fully accept and I struggled between holding on to who I'd been and becoming the man I was meant to be. Ultimately, that inner conflict contributed to the end of the marriage and the career shift wasn't the only reason, but I think it played a part in it. So you can see what the impact of a career change can have on a relationship and it's not all bad. You know. I'm going to show you the negative and positive impact a career change can have on a relationship and I'll show you how to handle it. But first I'm going to illustrate a little more of how a career change can impact a relationship by sharing John and Chrissy's story, not their real names.
Bill Simpson:They were married with two kids, eight and ten and had built a relatively good life that worked for them for the most part. John had a small contracting business doing basic contracting services for people's homes. He made a decent living and he was proud to be a good provider. Chrissy worked in marketing for an insurance company, mostly remote, which gave her the flexibility to manage school drop-offs and appointments and whatnot for their two kids. And you know it wasn't perfect, but they had their routine that worked for them. It was all good.
Bill Simpson:Then Chrissy got some news. A woman she had worked with on a project reached out to Chrissy. Impressed with her organizational skills and drive, she wanted Chrissy to come on as her executive assistant and offered to double her salary. The catch? Well, less flexibility, longer hours and occasional travel. Chrissy was really excited about it. She finally felt seen for the talented worker that she was.
Bill Simpson:John congratulated her at first, but over time something started to shift. He kept his feelings to himself, yet Chrissy could feel that something wasn't quite right. When Chrissy had to skip a parent-teacher meeting because of a last-minute work call, john was annoyed and he made a snarky comment saying I guess this is what making the big bucks costs, huh. Well, things only got worse. John started getting home later from work. He wasn't engaging with Chrissy hardly at all and at night John would be scrolling on his phone while Chrissy was still working on her laptop doing her last minute work stuff, and there was absolutely no connection between them.
Bill Simpson:Well, things finally came to a head when Chrissy had gotten home late from work after being stuck in traffic for hours. John had ordered takeout again and the kids had been on their screens for like three hours straight. And when Chrissy got home she was exhausted and she was like takeout again. And John was like, hey, you're not here anymore. And then Chrissy fired back you mean, I'm not under you anymore. And she went off to the bedroom and shut the door and a little later in the evening their 10-year-old daughter knocked on her bedroom door asking are you and daddy getting a divorce? Well, that hit Chrissy hard and when she told John about it they got real and they finally decided to open up and talk about it.
Bill Simpson:It was a wake-up call for both of them and they decided to come to the table without blame, without all the snarkiness and resentment and all that Just being honest with each other and John. He admitted that he felt like he was losing his place in the family and he admitted that he wasn't proud of the way he had been acting, but he didn't know how to talk about the way it made him feel, you know, less than a man, because he was no longer the main provider. And then the overwhelm of their schedules and family responsibilities. And in the overwhelm of their schedules and family responsibilities, and Christy said that she had been feeling alone and overwhelmed for a long time. Part of her was feeling guilty for succeeding in her career. She felt torn between her career, her marriage and motherhood, between supporting her family and actually being present with them, and I have to say this is a very common thing with working moms especially.
Bill Simpson:Well, the bottom line of their conversation was that they realized they needed some help, and John remembered a friend of his who was a client of mine and he reached out to him to get in touch with me. And Chrissy was open to meeting with me and they went for it and, frankly, it was a relatively easy fix because, for starters, they were both committed to each other and to working out a solution. We worked on making sure they kept communicating openly on a regular basis and they decided once a week they would debrief and discuss the previous week and make adjustments if necessary.
Bill Simpson:We worked on pragmatics by dividing up their responsibilities and did it in a way that worked for both of them. They both had to compromise and sacrifice a little bit and they figured it out. They created shared calendars and they got back into a fairly consistent routine. I also suggested that they start doing appreciations every night before going to bed to help in getting them reconnected, that they share at least three appreciations with each other before they go to sleep, and they said that it really helped them stay connected and, as a matter of fact, on their own. They added giving gratitude texts to each other throughout the day, and I think the most important thing was that they really started to see each other and actually were there to support each other.
Bill Simpson:You know, rather than John seeing Chrissy's career as a threat to his manhood, he saw it as an opportunity to grow and to support Chrissy's goals and her aspirations, you know, for her and for the good of the family as a whole. And at last Chrissy felt like she didn't have to play small anymore around. John and John could stop all his pretending you know, that it didn't bother him and together they found a way to move forward, not going back to how things were, but towards something more honest, authentic and real, utilizing the tools they learn to have the resiliency to bounce back from any adversity they may face, all for the long term of the relationship. All right, so now I'm going to break down the positive and negative aspects of a career change in relationship and how you can handle it. I'll start with the positive and negative aspects of a career change in relationship and how you can handle it.
Bill Simpson:I'll start with the positive aspects. For one thing, it can be an opportunity to grow the relationship, like it did with John and Chrissy. You know what these big transitions can do is cause couples to get clear about their values, their goals and what their long-term vision is. You know it's an opportunity to see what truly matters, and research suggests that reframing the career change as a shared challenge, rather than this negative thing, can lead to strengthened emotional intimacy. Another aspect of a career change is that it can help to build trust, and doing it with a deeper sense of support. When both partners show empathy and support, it builds trust and resiliency. It helps them to realize that together they can get through anything, and there's research that says that couples who see themselves as a team during these transitions have a higher sense of relationship satisfaction over time.
Bill Simpson:And one more positive thing about a career change in relationship is how this new power dynamic can actually encourage growth in the relationship. So say, if the partner with the career change takes on a new identity right, kind of like I was doing. This shift can show up as skills they didn't know they had Like with Chrissy she didn't realize she was all that this executive wanted, right. And it can also build patience, you know, and seeing the process through, and it can give them an overall appreciation for the other partner's contribution. You know their achievements, what they're doing to add to the relationship and themselves. Career growth or reinvention can actually spark a renewed sense of confidence which can positively impact emotional and sexual connection. So that's basically the positive stuff, and I'm sure you may have more to add to that.
Bill Simpson:Now, moving on to the more negative aspects of a career change in a relationship. Well, it certainly does add stress. Career changes can lead to financial instability, identity loss or unpredictability, which are all major contributors to relationship stress. Right, and this was the case with me. And research has shown that financial strain and job insecurity are strongly correlated with increased conflict, decreased relationship satisfaction and reduced emotional availability. Another thing that a career change can throw a wrench in the relationship is when the roles and responsibilities change. You know, if one partner becomes unemployed or changes to a lower paying or more time-consuming job, the other could feel pressure to make up for it, leading to an imbalance of roles or responsibilities and maybe even resentment. And Chrissy's added work responsibilities definitely took its toll on their marriage and family dynamic.
Bill Simpson:Research shows that changes in the structure of a partnership you know, like who earns more or who's at home more, and that kind of thing that can lead to like a role confusion, you know, like what are we doing here, you know, and it can add to the tension in the relationship. And yeah, with John, his ego was bruised, not being the main breadwinner. And a career change may also impact intimacy in the relationship. And maybe you haven't thought of that, but the research is clear that high levels of work-related stress are associated with the lack of sexual satisfaction and the lack of emotional intimacy. And the last thing I'll say is that a career change, if you're not careful, may cause a sense of being emotionally withdrawn or feeling ashamed, guilty or all of the above. So, say the person that's going through the change, especially if they've lost their job or quit their job, they may feel guilty or ashamed for disrupting the relationship or the family's stability and they, as a result, can withdraw emotionally, you know, thinking that maybe they're a financial burden to the family or relationship, and research indicates that partners often have a hard time staying connected emotionally when they're faced with trying to handle other stressful situations or issues. So there you go, the positive and negative aspects of a career change in relationship, and maybe now you can see why it's one of the top life stressors, especially when there's a loss of a job.
Bill Simpson:Now let's get to how to handle the stress of a career change in relationship. I already mentioned some of it with John and Chrissy's story, yet they bear repeating. So let's do it. First and foremost, man, you've got to talk about it. You know. Don't wait till you have figured it all out on your own. No, talk about it openly. Talk about your fears, your goals, your timelines, what you expect. Get all that out in the open and come from a we mindset right, like as a team. You know, like, how can we approach this instead of? This is what I'm going through Now. Work together as a team. What we can do together is much better than what we try to do alone and keep it in and not talk about it right Now.
Bill Simpson:That being said, you do want to acknowledge and validate the emotional impact this career change can have. You know both partners may experience fear, grief or frustration. So you want to make space for those emotions without trying to fix them. Just be supportive. You know you can do this by saying something like you know I can see how hard this is for you and the weight that you're carrying, and when you talk like that, it can go a long way. Now, if necessary, you'll want to adapt or adjust the roles you know in terms of your household roles and responsibilities. Talk about it and address any of those shifts, whether it's household responsibilities, child care, financial issues. Talk about it and adapt, because if you don't, it could lead to resentment, right, keeping it in and blaming the other. It doesn't help, it only makes things worse. And make sure that both of you feel that what you bring to the table is valued. You know whether it's financial, emotional or logistical, pragmatic. You know what one may bring to the table financially, the other can balance it out with emotional support or creating the shared calendar. You know, with the pragmatics, that kind of thing.
Bill Simpson:And another thing is to understand the why of this whole situation and the big picture right. Try to connect around the why behind the career change. It could be to fulfill a purpose. It could be to have a better quality of life and maybe less stress for the long term of the relationship. You see, when both of you see the change as a long-term investment in the future, it's a little bit easier to get through the temporary or short-term instability. You know it's kind of like looking at the long-term of, say, a 401k investment. You know, looking at the long-term makes it easier to get through the temporary dips in the stock market. You know that's what they say. You know it's the big picture. Look for the long-term, not each and every week of what's happening with the stock market. You know that's what they say. You know it's the big picture. Look for the long term, not each and every week of what's happening with the stock market.
Bill Simpson:So the same thing can be in your relationship that you're looking for the long term of the relationship, getting through the short term inconveniences or challenges and, as I mentioned with John and Chrissy, communicate on the regular. You know have weekly check-ins that's what I did with them and it can be whatever consistent schedule that works for both of you. It's bi-weekly, once a month, but you want to communicate regularly to help you stay connected and make sure you're working together. You want to keep track of how the changes are affecting each other on both the pragmatic and emotional level, and make sure you ask yourselves in your check-ins to what's working and what's not working. You know what feels hard, and a good thing to say is what do you need from me this week, or how can I support you? That shows the teamwork and that you're working together, and when you do this on the regular, it makes life so much easier.
Bill Simpson:Another thing is to make sure that you celebrate the wins, and especially the small ones, because it's so much easier to see the negative side of the transition. You want to focus on the positive as much as you can. Acknowledge each other's progress, no matter how small. Acknowledge the breakthroughs and, by all means, acknowledge when you feel supported by each other. Oh, and add those appreciations in there too, right, and all of this helps to keep the morale up, to stay motivated and stay connected in the midst of the stress and challenges.
Bill Simpson:And the last thing I'll say is please, by all means, if you're having a hard time doing this alone or if it feels overwhelming, get support. I'm telling you, it can make all the difference, and the sooner the better before resentment and other feelings creep in to where it will be so much harder to move forward when all that stuff comes up without addressing it. Get some coaching, some counseling, or maybe see a financial advisor if it's affecting your finances. Whatever it takes to get clarity and come up with a plan for you to work together as a team and you're doing it for the long term of the relationship.
Bill Simpson:All right, my quote this week comes from author Lewis Howes and he "career careers change, purpose shifts, and in a strong relationship, the commitment is not just to each other, it's to each other's evolution. Unquote. Ah, that's a great way to look at it and that's a great way to wrap up this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the how to handle a career change in relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you for listening.
Bill Simpson:Now coming up in the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast. Have you ever gotten feedback from your spouse or partner saying You're not listening to me? Well, I hear it a lot from both my men and women clients complaining that their spouse or partner never listens to them, and sometimes this repeatedly not listening has led to a breakup or even divorce. If you're getting that kind of feedback or you feel that your partner or spouse doesn't listen, don't fear, I've got you covered on how to do it in the next episode. Please join me for the Power of Active Listening in Relationship episode. I'm telling you it can be a real game changer in your relationship and it's so simple to do so. Make sure you check it out.
Bill Simpson:And make sure you check out Beyond the Episode each Wednesday at 7 pm, eastern US and Canada, it's a live Zoom event where I go deeper into each week's episode. It's a chance for you to ask questions or add to the conversation. You'll find the Zoom link in the show notes and if you can't make it, be sure to check out the replay of Beyond the Episode on YouTube. You can find that link in the show notes as .,
Bill Simpson:and if you need to reach me for any reason, you can do so in the show notes or at my website, menonthepathtolove. com menonthepathtolovecom. That's menonthepathtolove. com menonthepathtolovecom. And remember until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.