Men on the Path to Love
Relationship coach Bill Simpson offers stories and wisdom, to inspire men be the best version of themselves in relationship and live the life they love.
Men on the Path to Love
Shut Up & Listen: The Power of Active Listening in Relationship
Have you ever found yourself nodding while scrolling through your phone as your partner speaks, or jump to solving the problem when they just needed to be heard? You're not alone. The difference between just hearing words and truly listening could be what's standing between you and the deep connection you deserve.
In this episode, I break down how our subconscious listening habits might be sabotaging our relationships without us even realizing it. Active listening means setting aside distractions, putting off judgment, and creating space for really understanding and connecting, rather than just waiting for your turn to speak.
You'll hear Tammy and Marvin's story, and how active listening was a game-changer in their relationship. Check out the Shut Up & Listen: The Power of Active Listening in Relationship, episode.
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Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the shut up and listen the power of active listening in relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships, men who want deeper love, real connection and to finally feel like themselves again. I help them become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.
Bill Simpson:So what do I mean by active listening? You may be wondering. Well, active listening is the conscious, intentional way of listening, by fully focusing on understanding and responding to the person speaking, with the goal of having mutual respect and create an emotional connection. And it goes beyond just hearing the words that are being said. It's about not just listening with your ears, it's listening with your whole body and energy, and it's listening without judgment.
Bill Simpson:Then it's being able to reflect back what you've heard, to make sure you understand the other person's perspective or experience, and then you can switch roles and do the same for the other person. And you can imagine that this takes effort, right, yeah? But let me tell you, it was a game changer for me in relationship and it's a game changer for my clients too, and, frankly, I'm still working at it. You know, it's a lifelong thing, man, and it's important to understand that most of our way of listening is subconscious, in other words, we're not even aware we're doing it in a certain way until maybe we get some feedback. And there are a variety of types of listening. I'm going to give you some of the most common types of listening and see if any of these resonate with you.
Bill Simpson:All right, so besides active listening, which I'm going to dive in deeper, of course, there's passive listening, and this is where you're hearing the words but you're not fully engaging or responding in a meaningful way. So an example of that would be like you're going uh-huh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, whatever while you're scrolling on your phone, you know, and not paying attention. You know you're just like, yeah, well, whatever. And passive listening can also be just waiting for your turn to speak. You know listening to speak and not really taking in what the other person is saying, and I'm sure you've experienced that kind of interaction. I know I have.
Bill Simpson:Then there's empathic listening Listening with empathy, you know, listening with the intention of understanding the other person's emotions and their feelings, and this is a part of active listening, but it can be a standalone and it can be really helpful in supporting your spouse or partner or any intimate relationship, and this could sound like you know oh, that must have been so frustrating. I can see why you'd be upset.
Bill Simpson:Another type of listening that is also a part of active listening by itself. It's reflective listening, and this is when you repeat, like I said earlier, repeat or paraphrase what the person said, to show that you understand, and I use this a lot in my coaching practice. Show that you understand and I use this a lot in my coaching practice is to make sure I have clarity in what my client's saying and that I'm making a connection, and it's also something I do with couples so they understand each other. And it could sound something like so you're saying you're not really angry, you're just disappointed that I didn't follow through with what you asked me to do, or something like that.
Bill Simpson:Another type of listening is selective listening, and this is where you're only paying attention to the parts that really interest you or that you agree with or affirms you in some kind of way. You, or that you agree with or affirms you in some kind of way and man, this can be crazy making in a relationship, causing all kinds of misunderstandings or feeling emotionally disconnected. An example of this could be saying something like well, at least you said you were fine with them, coming over and ignoring the earlier part where she said she felt left out. So only hearing what they want to hear. That's selective listening.
Bill Simpson:Critical or evaluative listening is another type. This is when you analyze and evaluate what's being said, you know, looking for logic and reasoning or some sort of truth, and, frankly, this can often look like gaslighting. Now, critical listening can be useful when you're trying to solve a problem, which a lot of us men feel like we have to do, right, well, what can happen is if the other person needs to be seen or heard, they can feel judged or dismissed, especially if it's an emotional conversation and if it's not balanced with the sense of empathy, it could backfire and, let me tell you, it can be frustrating or feel dismissive for the other person. A classic example of that could be saying yeah, okay, but instead of focusing on how you feel about what happened, can we just figure out what needs to be done so this doesn't happen again, and that's totally missing the point.
Bill Simpson:Then there's discriminative listening. This is more about noticing tones or cues, like there's something going on beneath the surface, and this could sound like you know. You said you're fine, but your tone of voice and your facial expression tells me something's bothering you. You want to talk about it.
Bill Simpson:And the last type I'll quickly mention is appreciative listening Listening for enjoyment or pleasure that you appreciate. It could be through music, storytelling, things like that. This is more about an emotional response that could sound like wow, I love the way you described that concert. I felt like I was there with you, or something like that. So, as you can see, there are a lot of different ways we can listen and oftentimes it's a mixed bag of these types of listening, depending on the situation.
Bill Simpson:But if you're stuck in, say, selective or critical listening, it can cause serious problems in your relationship. Take, for example, tammy and Marvin Not their real names. Tammy came to me in my clinical practice. She was frustrated and emotionally exhausted. She loved Marvin, but she said she was feeling invisible in the relationship. You know, she felt unseen and unheard.
Bill Simpson:She told me that he only listens when it's about what he wants to hear and when she brings up something serious, he either tunes her out or tries to fix it like she's a problem to be solved. When I asked for an example, she said that the past weekend she told Marvin that she had been feeling distant from him lately and that she missed how they used to connect. And Marvin said Well, I did take you out to the movies last week, remember. Well, he totally left out how she was feeling distant. You know selective hearing, right, only picking the one part that validated him, not what she was really trying to say.
Bill Simpson:She said there was another time where she had told him about feeling overwhelmed, trying to balance work with family responsibilities and her self-care and all that. And all Marvin said was oh, you just need to plan better, make a list. Stressing out doesn't help anything. Well, that really hurt Tammy. It made her feel small, you know, like her emotions were just problems to be solved or managed rather than her experiences that needed to be understood.
Bill Simpson:Well, I validated Tammy in how frustrating and hurtful it must have been for her to experience Marvin that way. I also told her that she wasn't alone in feeling that way. I've heard it from a lot of my female patients. Unfortunately, it's typical in how a lot of men have been conditioned, and I let her know that more than likely, marvin was not intentionally trying to hurt her, but that he may have never learned how to listen in a way that people felt seen or heard, you know, and creating that sense of emotional safety.
Bill Simpson:So I did some role-playing with Tammy. I played her and she played Marvin. As Tammy, I said Marvin, I love you and I know you love me and I just need to let you know and I'm sure you don't mean to. Yet sometimes when I share how I'm feeling, I don't feel heard and I need you to really hear me. And then Tammy interrupted me as Marvin and said well, what do you mean? She was good at role playing. So I went on to say, like, when I told you, I felt distant and you only brought up that we went to the movies. I wasn't looking for proof or a fix, I just needed you to be with me in that moment and understand what I was feeling. And when you do that, I feel so close to you and that's what I miss. Well, tammy really liked that and, after doing some practicing, she eventually summoned up the courage and decided to confront him and, to her surprise, he actually listened.
Bill Simpson:Yeah, marvin admitted that he didn't realize that his trying to defend himself or solve things made Tammy feel dismissed. He told her that he loved her and that he didn't want to lose her and that he would try to do better. Well, I had given Tammy some handouts about active listening and mindful communication strategies and she shared them with Marvin. She said he started making small shifts, putting down his phone, asking follow-up questions, repeating what he heard, and so on. Tammy said he wasn't perfect at it, but she could see that he was making an effort and was trying and she was feeling more seen and heard in the relationship.
Bill Simpson:Yeah, see, sometimes a lot of men don't realize they're being bad listeners until they get feedback. And if their partner is yelling at them about it, well, that doesn't land very good. But if their partner finds the courage to call them out on it and do it with love and clarity, without beating him up or nagging him, you know when you come from the intention of love and connection and the message is clear, change is not only possible. In my experience it's probable. So hopefully now you can see perhaps how active listening can be a game changer in relationship.
Bill Simpson:The research is very clear that it can be in a number of ways. As I mentioned with Marvin and Tammy, it can help to build trust and emotional safety. When partners feel seen and heard and valued, it makes all the difference in the world when it comes to feeling trust and safe. Active listening also helps to reduce conflicts and misunderstandings. It can take the focus from having to be right to actually understanding. It can take the focus from having to be right to actually understanding, and it can shift from having to be defensive to tell me more. Be curious, and research has found that partners who truly feel heard and understood reported significantly higher levels of satisfaction and emotional closeness. It reinforces mutual respect and connection, especially when emotions run high.
Bill Simpson:So how do you practice active listening in your relationship? Well, first of all, make yourself present yeah, be present to what's going on in the moment. That means putting your phone down, turn off distractions and show your partner that they have your full attention. Try to keep comfortable eye contact and maybe nod at times to show that you are engaged. Another thing to do or I should say don't do is interrupt. Don't do is interrupt, don't interrupt. Let them finish their thought and frankly, my wife has to call me out on this sometimes, and I get it. Look, even if you think you know what they're going to say, or if you disagree or feel the urge to fix, stop. Your job in that moment is to listen, not to solve or to correct or whatever.
Bill Simpson:Okay, another part of active listening is to reflect back what your partner says. Using phrases like what I'm hearing you say is, or it sounds like you're feeling, or let me make sure I understand, sounds like you're feeling, or let me make sure I understand. When you use phrases like that and reflect back to them what they said, this can help clarify the message and it makes your partner feel seen and heard. Oh, and ask her to tell you more. Instead of getting defensive, say something like I want to understand what you're saying, tell me more. Or what was your thought process when that happened? Because you want to remember that the goal is to be respectful, to get clarity and to connect.
Bill Simpson:When you get defensive, you're disconnecting. And when you're curious, it doesn't mean she's right or wrong. It just means you want to understand where she's coming from and by asking to tell you more, it shows that you're curious and that you care. Versus being judgmental or having to solve a problem. You also want to validate their emotions and again, even if you don't agree, you can at least acknowledge their feelings, saying something like you know it makes sense that you'd feel that way, or I can see why that hurt you. Rather than judging them or being dismissive of their feelings, it can be really humiliating to be on the other end of that. Think about it and try to make sure to respond with intention.
Bill Simpson:What that means is, after they've finished speaking, offer a thoughtful, calm response. You know, because active listening gives you time to think and time to respond in a calm and respectful way instead of reacting emotionally and acting out or saying something you might regret. So, real quick, I just want to sum up the main keys of active listening. You want to make sure you're giving full attention. That means eye contact, open up your body, posture, no distractions be present. Then there's the reflecting part, or paraphrasing.
Bill Simpson:What I hear you saying is blah, blah, blah. Asking for clarity without interrupting or getting defensive. Remember, tell me more, show empathy, put yourself in her shoes, saying something like you know, that must be really hard. And again, respond calmly instead of reacting. Active listening gives you the space to do that. All right, when you're practicing active listening. It can be one of the most powerful tools a man can use to build trust, to deepen intimacy and to reduce conflict in relationship. And I got to tell you it takes some humility, patience and being present, paying attention, and these are all qualities that make you the grounded, mature, heart-centered man you're becoming on your path to love. All right, and remember it takes practice, so have some grace as you grow.
Bill Simpson:All right, my quote this week comes from good ol' Mr Rogers, the late Fred Rogers, host of Mr Rogers' Neighborhood. He says, quote listening is where love begins, listening to ourselves and then to our partners. Unquote, and that's coming from a truly wise man. Right there, I miss you, mr Rogers. And that will bring this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast to a close the Shut Up and Listen the power of active listening in relationship episode. My name is Bill Simpson. Thank you for listening.
Bill Simpson:Now coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast do you and your spouse or partner have fun together? Do you allow room to be playful in your relationship? Well, next time I'll be diving into something that often gets lost in long-term relationships and that's fun. I'll explore why playfulness isn't just for kids or the early days of dating. It's actually a powerful ingredient for lasting love, connection and joy. You'll hear Tom and Angel's story and how having fun transformed their relationship, and I'll share some tips on how you can bring more fun into your relationship.
Bill Simpson:Please join me for the fun factor how playing together helps you stay together episode, and remember to make plans to join me for beyond the episode. This is where I dive in deeper into this week's episode. It's each Wednesday at 7 pm Eastern. You'll find the Zoom link in the show notes and if you would like to be a part of the Men on the Path to Love community and get invitations sent directly to your inbox, you can reach me through my show notes or through my website, menonthepathtolovecom. That's menonthepathtolovecom. I look forward to hearing from you.
Bill Simpson:And remember until time, k eep your heart open and stay on the path to love.