What Martial Arts Taught Me About Relationships

What if the ancient wisdom of martial arts could transform your relationship? After 30 years of practicing Tai Chi and over 20 years teaching it, I've discovered parallels between what I learned about practicing Tai Chi and being in relationship. It was the start of my reconditioning as a man and what it means to be in relationship.

In this episode, I share the parable of Wei (the student) and Master Still Waters, and explore how pushing and creating tension invites resistance, while yielding with awareness creates connection. I break down six key principles from martial arts that can transform how you approach conflict, how you communicate, and build emotional intimacy.

Whether you're struggling with communication breakdowns, emotional disconnection, or simply wanting to deepen your relationship, these ancient principles offer practical wisdom for modern relationships. Learn to slow down your responses, redirect tension into connection, and balance strength with sensitivity. You and your relationship deserve it. Check out What Martial Arts Taught Me About Relationships.

Links:

Beyond the Episode Wednesday June 25th 1:00pm Eastern US/Canada

Beyond the Episode Replay

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Tai Chi and Relationships
• 3:17 The Parable of Wei and Stillwaters
• 6:48 Yielding Without Weakness in Relationships
• 8:27 Staying Rooted During Emotional Storms
• 10:04 Flow and Sensitivity in Communication
• 12:24 Finding Yin-Yang Balance as Partners
• 14:24 Slowness and Non-Resistance as Power
• 17:07 Closing Thoughts and Next Episode

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:16

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the what Martial Arts Taught Me About Relationships episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships, men who want deeper love, real connection and to finally feel like themselves again. I help them become the best version of themselves, for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson: 0:52

Ever since I was a kid, I had a fascination with the martial arts from watching Bruce Lee movies, the TV show Kung Fu and, of course, the Karate Kid movies. Right, I never officially took karate lessons as a kid, but my stepbrother knew karate and taught me some moves, and he also introduced me to some of the philosophy. You know that it wasn't used to fight somebody just to fight somebody, and that it was more than just self-defense. There was a lot more to it.

Bill Simpson: 1:26

So, fast forward, about a year before my daughter was born, I discovered the slow-moving martial art of Tai Chi, which is short for Tai Chi Chuan, which translates to grand, ultimate fist, or fighting and man. It became my passion, I'm telling you. I found it. It was to the point where I eventually became a master instructor and have been teaching for over 20 years. And when I taught kids Tai Chi at my daughter's summer camp, they called it karate in slow motion, which was accurate, because each of the movements in Tai Chi have martial or fighting applications, and just like there are various styles or forms of yoga, the same is true for Tai Chi have martial or fighting applications. And just like there are various styles or forms of yoga, the same is true for Tai Chi, meaning the lineage or the family of origin of that particular type of Tai Chi, like the Yang style or the Chen style.

Bill Simpson: 2:18

And there are various types of Tai Chi, like what you might typically see, you know, groups of people doing in the park, that slow motion movement. It's like a choreographed dance really, in that it has a sequence or a number of movements where one movement flows into the other. For example, one of the forms I teach is called the 108 Yang style forms, which has 108 movements in it. It's really beautiful to watch and, I have to say, even more fun to do. Now there's also Tai Chi using weapons like swords, spears, poles, whips and even Chinese fans.

Bill Simpson: 2:58

And there's a two-person form of Tai Chi, which the other ones can be two-person, but there's a particular form of two-person Tai Chi called push hands, which, as they say, is the truest form of Tai Chi, because you must apply the principles and techniques against an opponent. And it was through me learning push hands that I saw it as a metaphor for relationships. So I'm going to share these principles with you and show you how they can be applied to your relationship.

Bill Simpson: 3:29

But first I want to share this Chinese parable to help set the stage. This is the parable of Wei and Master of Still Waters. Long ago, in a small village nestled between mountains, there lived a man named Wei. Strong, skilled and proud Wei had mastered many forms of martial arts, but at home he struggled. His wife Lin was kind and intelligent, but their home had grown cold. Wei could not understand why. He worked hard he provided, yet every conversation with Lin became a battle, every disagreement a war. He felt unseen. She felt unheard. Frustrated.

Bill Simpson: 4:14

Wei left the village and climbed the mountains to seek the wisdom of an old master known only as Stillwaters, a Taiji master who taught not with force but with flow. When Wei arrived, the master welcomed him with tea and said nothing. After a long silence, the master stood up and said come, push hands. Wei had heard of push hands, a Taiji practice where two partners touch palms to arms and feel the subtle energy between them, not to win but to sense, not to strike but to respond.

Bill Simpson: 4:53

At first Wei used force, shoving forward, trying to dominate. The master simply stepped aside, smiled and redirected. Again and again Wei pushed hard, again and again he found himself off balance. Finally, exhausted, wei dropped his arms and asked the master Master, what does this have to do with my wife? Still Waters replied when you push with tension, you invite resistance. When you yield with awareness, you create connection. You are not here to overpower, but to understand. Wei was silent.

Bill Simpson: 5:37

He returned to practice, not with aggression but with presence. In time. He felt subtle shifts, the give and take, the quiet messages beneath the motion. He learned to listen with his body, to yield without collapse, to respond without control. Eventually, when Wei returned home to Lin, he no longer reacted with anger or pride. He listened more deeply, he softened, without losing himself. He didn't try to win, losing himself, he didn't try to win. He tried to understand. And slowly something opened up, not just in Lin but in Wei. Their home, once filled with conflict, became a place of movement, balance and breath. From then on, wei taught his son and students the following the true strength of a man is not in how hard he pushes, but in how well he listens while standing in his own center. So yeah, that's a lesson I think all men should learn, and women for that matter.

Bill Simpson: 6:49

All right, so let me break it down to you. Here are some Taiji principles which are similar to most forms of martial arts, with a little Taiji nuance. These are principles that you can apply to your relationship. So I'm going to start with the principle of yielding without being weak. What yielding means is using an opponent's force against them instead of directly opposing it. It's basically borrowing their momentum to either redirect or neutralize their attack.

Bill Simpson: 7:22

And Tai Chi teaches that yielding is not submission, it's using the strength of strategy. It's like the harder they push and the more you yield, they lose balance and fall. So in relationship, a lot of men are conditioned to either dominate or withdraw right, and Tai Chi offers a third way, and that is yielding with your response. So when you meet tension with tension, conflict builds right. But when you soften, listen and take it in, what you're doing is creating space for understanding. Now understand that yielding doesn't mean giving up your truth. It just means staying grounded while giving space to your partner. You can hold your center or your truth, while still hearing and honoring your partner's feelings. And whether you think she's right or wrong, it doesn't matter. You can still validate her feelings and her experience.

Bill Simpson: 8:27

Another Tai Chi principle is staying rooted. The power in Tai Chi comes from being rooted, not being rigid. So imagine sea plants attached to the bottom of the ocean, you know, and moving with the flow of the water, yet firmly grounded in the ocean floor. Or imagine a tree swaying with the wind the branches and leaves are moving, yet the tree stays rooted. So by staying rooted you're able to move with the flow of your opponent without losing your ground. And men often confuse strength with. You know having to not budge, you know being immovable or putting up a wall, and that's how we've been conditioned. The true strength in relationship is being emotionally grounded, knowing who you are, knowing your truth, even during conflict. So staying rooted and grounded in your values when emotions get stirred up. You know there's a saying that a man who is rooted can stay present during her storm without becoming her storm. No matter how your partner responds emotionally. You are grounded in your emotions, your feelings, and you don't have to go down into the rabbit hole with her when you are rooted, and this can help prevent arguments from escalating.

Bill Simpson: 9:57

Then there's the principle of flow instead of force, and if you've ever seen it, tai Chi is all about flow. You don't push, even though it's called push hands. You don't push, you redirect their energy. You don't block them, you blend with their energy. So, when it comes to love and relationship, force looks like control or defensiveness and flow looks like being attuned to your partner. You know with curiosity and find a sort of rhythm that you both share, going with the flow of the rhythm of the relationship. And it's worth asking yourself what's my goal? Am I trying to control the outcome or am I flowing with the natural rhythm of the relationship? Then it's asking yourself how can I redirect this tension into connection? And instead of being defensive, ask her to tell you more, get real, clear and, instead of trying to control the situation, let go of your ego and be vulnerable and let her know what you feel and need.

Bill Simpson: 11:13

Next is the principle of sensitivity and listening. A foundational skill in Tai Chi is what we call listening energy. We're not just listening with our ears when we're doing push hands, it's actually sensing our opponent's vulnerability, maybe their weak spot, how their body's weight distribution may be off, or sensing when they may be trying to attack and so on, and in relationship, be present enough not to just hear what she says but why she may be saying it or what's underneath the surface. I talked about this in the active listening episode. You know, ask her to tell you more, as I said earlier, and say it back to her so she feels seen and heard. So having the sensitivity and empathy for what she may be feeling or what she may have experienced, that's not weakness, it's an advanced form of strength. Actually, that is so good for the long run of the relationship.

Bill Simpson: 12:19

Another principle of Tai Chi is balancing the yin and yang. Some people say yin and yang and you've probably seen the yin and yang symbol. It's that circle with the swirling black and white halves, of equal size and are interconnected. It represents the two opposites of the universe and how they are complementary, you know. Know like night and day, joy and pain, man and woman and so on. And in Tai Chi, the movements of Tai Chi are like a dance of yin and yang One movement's yin, the next movement's yang, yin, yang right, if you push, that's yang, if you yield, that's yin.

Bill Simpson: 13:04

And with men, we often over-identify with that yang energy, the masculine energy or the action energy, you know, strong or hard, or just do it, or solving the problem, being assertive, that kind of thing. And women tend to over-identify with the yin energy or the feeling energy, softer, passive, nurturing, those kind of things. And the truth is and this was a big awakening for me is that we all have these qualities within us, men and women. We have yin and yang qualities. Not that all men are yang, all women are yin, we're both yin and yang. And it's finding our own balance within ourselves and the balance in the relationship. And a relationship requires a combination of yin and yang to make it work. That's what the symbol represents. It's finding balance, the soft with the hard, the being with the doing, the listening and the solving, and so on, no matter who. It pertains to. Yin and yang helps to bring a sense of emotional integration. That's deep right.

Bill Simpson: 14:21

I have a couple more principles to go and we'll be done, one being slowness builds awareness. Now, if you've ever seen Tai Chi, it's done slowly and that's on purpose, because it allows you a greater sense of awareness when you slow down. When we are in an emotionally driven conflict, we often react instead of responding in a way that's helpful. Tai Chi teaches us to slow down, to become conscious before we respond. So if you're in an argument or a conflict, before you say something you might regret, slow down. Pause before you say something, take a deep breath before you act or you speak. Slowing down can keep you from reacting. What we want to do is respond and it can help you in deepening your connection, especially for the long term of your relationship.

Bill Simpson: 15:24

All right, and the last principle I mentioned is non-resistance as power. Tai Chi shows us that the power is when we move with, not against. And if you think about it, it takes more energy to resist, right? You're wasting energy by resisting, and with men in relationship, we are conditioned to resist or shut down our feelings, like fear and vulnerability and grief and all that. So, if you think about this principle of non-resistance as power, instead of resisting or fighting your feelings or stuffing your feelings, allow yourself to have them. They're just feelings Now, intense feelings at times, I'm not going to lie, but they're just feelings, so allow them, have compassion for them and let them pass, let them go.

Bill Simpson: 16:20

And man, I get it. You know it may be scary for you or feel uncomfortable to do all that, but choose to let love in man, even when it feels unfamiliar or vulnerable, because that's where your power and strength is. It may not feel like it, but I'm telling you the truth, all right. So I hope all of this is making sense to you as someone who's studied and practiced Tai Chi for over 30 years and I've taught for over 20 years it's something that I know pretty well and I realize that not everyone gets it, okay, so if you have any questions, feel free to reach out to me.

Bill Simpson: 17:04

So to sum it up, in all that I'm saying and what I've learned over the years with Tai Chi is that Tai Chi isn't just self-defense, it isn't just a martial art, it's not just exercise or meditation. It's a practice of literally slowing down, being present and responding to others consciously. That's what it's all about. And, as a man, tai Chi has taught me to be strong without overpowering, to be open and vulnerable without falling apart and being grounded without being rigid and man. In a world that tells men to fight or fix the problem. Tai Chi invites us to attune, align and go with the flow. Man, a wonderful metaphor for relationship and for life in general. I'm going to end this episode with a quote from Tai Chi master and author, master Yang Jwing Ming. He simply says quote Tai Chi is not about fighting your partner, but feeling them. Relationship is no different. Unquote. Yeah, man, I mean. True connection comes from sensing energy, not overpowering it. A lesson for us all, for sure.

Bill Simpson: 18:28

And that's going to bring an end to this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the what Martial Arts Taught Me About Relationships episode. My name is Bill Simpson. I appreciate you listening. Thank you, or xie xie in Mandarin Chinese.

Bill Simpson: 18:51

Now coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, one of the things I hear women say a lot in my clinical practice. When they're disappointed about something their man didn't do. I ask them if they told their partner what they wanted, something their man didn't do. I ask them if they told their partner what they wanted, and I get no, he should just know. And my response is usually is he supposed to read your mind? Well, what I'm talking about here is having expectations, and when they are high, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Please join me for the expectation trap how you should just know, doesn't cut it in relationship episode.

Bill Simpson: 19:27

And if you have a topic you'd like for me to cover, please let me know. You can contact me from my show notes or go to my website, menonthepathtolovecom. And please join me for Beyond the Episode on Wednesdays with a new time. I'm going to try the afternoons now, one o'clock Eastern on Wednesdays, and this is where I dive deeper into this week's topic. You'll have a chance to ask questions, join in on the discussion or simply watch and listen. That's Wednesday, june 25th, one'clock Eastern. You'll find the Zoom link in the show notes. You can also find the link to the replay in the show notes as well, and if you know someone who might get something out of listening to this podcast, please share the link and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.