The Expectation Trap: Why "You Should Just Know" Doesn't Cut It In Relationships

Have you ever been blamed for not knowing what your partner wanted—before they even told you? That is "the expectation trap." In this episode, I share the story of Rita and Tom, and how the belief that "if he really loved me, he would just know" creates a disconnect between partners who genuinely care for each other. Neither was wrong—they were just caught in the trap of unspoken expectations.

For men feeling constantly criticized despite your best efforts, this episode offers a path to love. Whether you're struggling in your current relationship or preparing for the next one, these insights will help you build the foundation of clarity, vulnerability and understanding that long lasting relationships require.  Check out The Expectation Trap: Why "You Should Just Know" Doesn't Cut It In Relationships, episode.

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Beyond the Episode

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to the Expectation Trap
• 1:29 Rita and Tom: A Real-Life Example
• 4:13 Understanding the Expectation Trap
• 7:18 Three Powerful Practices for Clarity
• 10:25 Weekly Challenge and Episode Preview

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:14

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast. The expectation trap, how you should just know, doesn't it in Relationship episode? I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships, men who want deeper love, real connection and to finally feel like themselves again. I help them become the best version of themselves, for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson: 0:50

So let me ask you this have you ever been in a situation where your partner or spouse was upset with you and you honestly didn't know why? You thought everything was fine, you were doing your best, but she was disappointed, distant or even angry, and when you finally asked what's wrong, she would say something like well, "you should just know

Bill Simpson: 1:26

It makes me think of a client I had in my clinical practice and I'll call her Rita, not her real name. She was coming to me for stress management and her partner, who I'll call Tom, he would bring her into the clinic each week and he would patiently wait for her in the lobby while Rita and I would have our session. And after seeing her for a couple of months, she started sharing some issues she was having with Tom, saying that he wasn't doing things that he should be doing, like comforting her when she's upset or appreciating her for all the little things she does, and the fact that he didn't leave a party early when she was tired, and things like that. I took in what she was saying and I validated her experience and said how it must have been frustrating not to have those needs met. And she nodded.

Bill Simpson: 2:10

I asked her if she told Tom that she needed him to do those things. And you know what I'm going to say. Right, she said well, he should just know. And I asked her how is he supposed to know if you didn't tell him? And she snapped back with why do I have to tell him to comfort me when I'm upset? Well, I could see how this was going and since we had time, I asked her if we could bring Tom in the room to talk about it. And she agreed.

Bill Simpson: 2:41

And when I asked Tom to come in, he was like, "am I in trouble? Agreed. And when I asked Tom to come in, he was like, am I in trouble? And Rita, half grinning, said yeah, well, anyway, I had Rita tell Tom about what she was having feelings about. She got serious and brought up about him not comforting her when she's upset and he had no idea. And when he asked her why didn't she tell him she said that she didn't think she should have to, that if he loved her he should just know. I interjected and asked Tom if he had a problem comforting Rita and he was like no, not at all. And Rita pushed back and asked if he noticed her when she was upset and if it occurred to him that she might need comforting. And he said that, now that she had mentioned it, he did notice at times but figured she needed space and he backed off.

Bill Simpson: 3:36

That's when I seized the moment to point out how this was a classic example of the expectations trap. Rita had the expectation that Tom would comfort her and Tom had the expectation, or assumed, that Rita needed space. That's the trap. Yeah, it's that silent belief or the assumption that if your partner really loved you, they would just know what you're feeling and know exactly what you needed at any given time. They would just know what you're feeling and know exactly what you needed at any given time. And I have to say, where it can get really tricky is when there are times your partner instinctively gives you what you need without asking. But then the assumption is that they should do it all the time. Well, rita nodded and Tom, and they both got it. In fact, rita owned it and said to Tom I guess you shouldn't just know. And she said that she would work on expressing her needs better. And Tom said that he would do the same and try to pay attention more and ask her if he thinks she may need support. They both knew they had some work to do, yet they were up for the challenge.

Bill Simpson: 4:51

Yeah, man, I mean, the expectation trap is real and it's so common in relationships, and this dynamic can go both ways men and women, it doesn't matter. But since this is men on the path to love, I'm talking directly to the men who feel like they're failing tests that they didn't even know they were taking right. So what are expectations really all about? Well, expectations in relationships are not the problem. In fact, having needs and hopes and standards and values and all that, it's a healthy thing.

Bill Simpson: 5:29

The issue is when the expectations are unspoken, when they're unrealistic or simply assumed. That's the expectation trap, again, having in your mind that if your partner really loved you, they would just know what you're feeling and what you need or want. But here's the truth your partner isn't a mind reader, and neither are you, and you shouldn't be expected to. Psychologists call this the illusion of transparency. It's the idea that we believe our thoughts and feelings are more obvious to others than they really are, and especially in a long-term relationship. You know, we assume that the time that you've spent together, being familiar with each other, means that they're telepathic and they should just know no, no, no. No matter how close you are or how long you've been together, your partner still needs clarity, and so do you.

Bill Simpson: 6:29

And in my work with couples and even in my own life, I've noticed that a lot of guys feel like you know, hey, I'm showing up, you know, I'm showing my love by what I do, I provide, I help, solve the problems, I show up. Why doesn't she see that? And then on the other side I hear the women say, like with Rita, if I have to ask for it, it doesn't count. And man, that's the real meat of the trap Two people both expecting things that the other hasn't clearly heard or understood. And if it goes unaddressed, all kinds of things can happen, man. There's miscommunication, which can lead to resentment, anger, shutting down emotionally and drifting apart.

Bill Simpson: 7:15

So how do we get out of the expectation trap? Well, I've got three powerful practices that I share with my clients. One is make the invisible visible. So, instead of assuming, ask, instead of hinting or beating around the bush, be direct and, instead of expecting, express what you feel and what you need. And when you notice you're having these silent expectations, you could say something like well, here's what I was hoping for. Or I realize I had an expectation that I never told you. Or can I share something I need from you that I've been holding inside? Something like that and understand that, as much as you may think this is weakness, it is not. It's letting go of your ego. It's being vulnerable and getting clarity. Man, clarity is love. It really is because you understand each other, you feel seen and heard.

Bill Simpson: 8:18

Ask your partner if it feels reasonable or if it's realistic to them. Ask for their honest feedback or input, because when you collaborate to figure out a solution, it creates connection. So you could say I'm wondering what you think about what I just shared, or does that sound doable for you? Or you could ask what can I do to support you right now? And what this type of language does is create an opportunity to talk about it and again, get clear, get clarity.

Bill Simpson: 8:52

And another thing if your spouse or partner is disappointed about something you did or didn't do, before you react, take a second to pause and move into empathy. Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself I'm wondering if there's something she's hoping for that I didn't know about. Or, even better, just ask her. Come out and ask her. Can you help me understand what you were expecting? Or you could say was there something I missed? Because I want to understand so I can show up better and remember.

Bill Simpson: 9:24

Empathy is about choosing understanding over ego, putting yourself in her shoes, and it's not about whether you think she's right or wrong. It's validating her experience. I'll say this until I'm blue in the face. I talk about it all the time. So, to summarize this whole expectation trap yes, you will have expectations in relationship. That's human, that's normal. The problem is assuming the other person should just know. The real strength comes in being honest about what you feel and need and being curious about what she needs, and work together to build a mutual understanding, because connection in a relationship isn't about guessing games or reading minds. It's about communication. It's about being honest, and the more clearly we communicate, the more freely we can love, right, yeah?

Bill Simpson: 10:26

So if you're in a relationship right now or you're hoping to be in one soon, I'm going to give you a challenge this week to notice where you're holding your silent expectations and go ahead, say one of them out loud and ask your partner to do the same and see what happens. You just might be surprised. All right, my quote this week comes from fellow podcaster, mark Groves. He says quote yeah, that's what I'm talking about and that's going to do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast. The Expectation Trap, how you Should Just Know, doesn't Cut it in Relationship episode. My name is Bill Simpson. Thank you for listening.

Bill Simpson: 11:23

Now coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, I'm going to be talking about a tool that every man should have in his relationship tool belt, and that's a heartfelt apology man. So many of us men have been conditioned in a way that never taught us how to apologize effectively or even at all. We may mumble a quick sorry to keep the peace, or we may avoid it altogether because we're afraid we'll look weak or wrong. But when it's done well. An apology is far from weakness, man. It's strength, it's healing and, ultimately, it's connection.

Bill Simpson: 12:05

So please join me for the "Healing Power of Apology. Join me for the healing power of apology. Why I'm sorry means more than you think. Episode Now, if you have a topic or issue you'd like for me to cover, please let me know. You can reach me through my show notes or through my website, menonthepathtolovecom, and that's where you can also sign up for a free, hour-long coaching session with me to talk about anything you'd like. Just go to manonthepathtolovecom. I look forward to hearing from you and if you know someone who might benefit from listening to this podcast, then please share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.