The Healing Power of Apology: Why "I'm Sorry" Means More Than You Think

"Love means never having to say you're sorry" might be one of the most damaging relationship BS ever existeded. Evidence shows that sincere apologies are fundamental to building trust, reducing resentment, and creating emotional safety in our closest relationships.

In this episode, I explore the psychology behind effective apologies, breaking down the six key components researchers have identified.  I share Nelson and Sheila's story—find out how their relationship transformed after one genuine apology.

If you're ready to transform your relationships through the healing power of genuine apology, check out The Healing Power of Apology: Why "I'm Sorry" Means More Than You Think, episode.

Chapters

• 0:05 Welcome and Episode Introduction
• 1:08 Psychology of Effective Apologies
• 2:35 Why Apologies Matter for Men
• 3:48 Nelson and Sheila's Breakthrough Story
• 7:17 How to Apologize Like You Mean It
• 10:27 Coming Up Next and Call to Action

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:05

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast. The healing power of apology why I'm sorry means more than you think. Episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships, men who want deeper love, real connection and to finally feel like themselves again. I help them become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find, so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson: 0:52

Okay, so back in the day, there was a popular movie called love story. I know I'm showing my age here, but, but there was a quote from the movie that became very popular and that was love means never having to say you're sorry, which, in my opinion, opinion and the research backs this up is well. It's frankly bullshit. And speaking of research, I'm going to start with the psychology of apology. All right Science tells us that apologies are more than just words. They're what bonds us together and, when we do it right, it helps us to trust again, to reduce anger and resentment, and it rebuilds emotional safety.

Bill Simpson: 1:31

A major study back in 2016 found six key components that make apologies effective, and they are when there is a clear expression of regret. They are when there is a clear expression of regret, when there's an explanation of what went wrong, when there's accountability, you know, acknowledging responsibility, when there is a sense of remorse along with the intent to change, when there's an offering of repairing the damage that was done and, finally, when there's a request for forgiveness. And it's important to understand that all these things have to come with sincerity. People are more likely to forgive when they believe you are genuinely sorry, not just saying the words. In fact, in relationships, apology is a lot less about logic and the intellectual piece, and it's much more about repairing the emotional damage that's happened.

Bill Simpson: 2:34

So why do apologies matter, especially for men? Well, it's something that I say over and over again. You know it's cultural, it's how we've been conditioned as men to believe that apology and I'm going to show my age again, but I remember Fonzie from the TV show Happy Days back in the 70s, where he couldn't say I'm sorry. He would be like I'm. It just pained him to say it. He couldn't do it, and that's an example of how we've been conditioned, right, that saying I'm sorry means you're giving up control or you're admitting failure. Well, the truth is, apology doesn't mean being weak or that you're a failure. It's really a sign of strength to be accountable. It's about having emotional intelligence and, when it comes to relationships, a man who can say yo, I was wrong, I hurt you, I'm sorry. He isn't losing power, he's building trust and that is strength, man, I'm telling you.

Bill Simpson: 3:48

And that brings us to the story of Nelson and Sheila not their real names. Nelson and Sheila had been married for 12 years. They had two kids, busy careers and a life that worked, but just barely sometimes. Nelson wasn't a bad husband. He provided, he protected, he even made Sheila laugh, protected, he even made Sheila laugh. But when it came to emotional intimacy, he struggled, he had a hard time. He would shut down during conflicts and brush off Sheila's feelings, saying she was overreacting, she was too sensitive, and he had a thing about never saying I'm sorry. He didn't believe, as a man, that he had to apologize. Well, one night, after an argument had gotten pretty intense, nelson ended up walking out in the middle of the conversation and Sheila didn't follow him. She didn't call him, she left him alone and she decided to write Nelson a note, put it on the kitchen counter and went to bed.

Bill Simpson: 4:54

The next morning Nelson had on the kitchen counter and went to bed the next morning, nelson had found the note Sheila had left, which read Nelson, I don't need you to be perfect, I just need to know you care enough to admit when you're wrong and apologize. Well, at first Nelson was pissed, thinking she had a lot of nerve. But as the day went on and the more he thought about it, something started to shift inside him and during his lunch hour he was on Instagram and saw a reel with a guy talking about apologizing first doesn't make you weak that, it only makes you stronger. And

Bill Simpson: 5:35

normally Nelson would have scoffed at it. But that day, for the first time, he sat face to face with the discomfort of his ego, his pride, and he thought to himself hmm, maybe I should admit that I was wrong and apologize to Sheila, that it wasn't about giving up his power, it was about choosing love over his pride. Well

Bill Simpson: 6:03

, later that evening he told Sheila that he had something to say. He sat next to her, looked her in her eyes and said Listen, I haven't been fair to you and I realize that I've made you feel alone and that's not what I want and I'm sorry. He told her that he was sorry for all the times he didn't listen, for all the times he made her feel invisible, all the times that he didn't apologize and he promised to do better. Well, sheila was touched and she cried and for the first time in years, they held each other, not out of obligation but because they truly felt safe again. Nelson felt safe enough to be vulnerable and Sheila felt safe because of Nelson's being vulnerable to admit he was wrong and to have apologized. And that's just an example of the huge breakthroughs I've witnessed from men. I've worked with Men who realize the power of vulnerability and, more specifically, the power of apology.

Bill Simpson: 7:12

Now, as I said in the beginning, with the research, an apology is most effective when you mean it. So how do you apologize like you mean it? All right, I'll break it down for you. And this applies not only to your spouse or partner, it can apply to a parent, a friend, even yourself. Yeah, we have to apologize to ourselves sometimes, all right? So, first of all, don't water it down, man. Don't just say, oh, I'm sorry you feel that way. No, say something like I'm sorry that what I did caused you to feel that way. And it's not necessarily saying she's right or wrong, it's just validating how she experienced you and be specific, own what you did. You know a vague or lame sorry that just doesn't land. If you say something like I'm sorry, I dismissed your feelings, that lands differently. You see the difference.

Bill Simpson: 8:18

And here's a pet peeve of mine Make sure there are no buts in your apology. Okay, when you say I'm sorry, but blah, blah, blah, the but takes away the apology and what you're doing is actually defending yourself and that's not going to land. And I know it sounds like semantics, yet I hear it a lot and I'm certainly guilty of it at times. It's just how most of us are used to talking. So, instead of saying I'm sorry but no, just pause.

Bill Simpson: 8:53

Let the apology breathe with I'm sorry, no buts, and ask. Don't assume, like I talked about in the expectations trap episode, try saying is there anything I can do to make this right? And this gives you an opportunity to talk about it and grow, not just closure. And, speaking of growing, show that you are still learning and want to grow. You know it's great that you're all remorseful and everything and you say you want to do better. Make sure you add how you plan to do better, because real healing comes from change, not just remorse. This may be reading personal growth books or blogs or podcasts, online courses, coaching, hint hint or even therapy. Take action to grow to be your best self. Take action to grow to be your best self, all right.

Bill Simpson: 9:53

So, now that you've heard this, if you've been holding on to an apology, maybe it's time to let it go, man. Maybe you're the Nelson in your relationship, or maybe you've been waiting, like Sheila, for someone to truly see your pain and apologize. And remember apology does not make you weak, it makes you accountable, and accountability is really love in action. Think about it Now. I invite you to think of someone you may owe an apology to and ask yourself what would it cost me to say I'm sorry? And then ask what might it heal if I say I'm sorry? Think about that, all right.

Bill Simpson: 10:42

My quote this week comes from Lewis Howse, the author of the Mask of Masculinity. He says quote real masculinity is rooted in accountability. When a man can say I was wrong and I hurt you, that's when he's truly Y eah man an d remember, saying I'm sorry isn't the end of a story, it's often the beginning of a better one. All right, all right, that's going to do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast. The healing power of apology. Why I'm sorry means more than you think. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you for listening.

Bill Simpson: 11:28

Now, coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, do you have a secret that you're keeping from your spouse or partner? Hmm, I may have hit a nerve with that one, huh. Well, let me tell you, secrets don't belong in a marriage or a long-term committed relationship, man, because what she doesn't know does hurt her. So please join me for the Hidden Cost of Keeping Secrets in Relationship episode.

Bill Simpson: 11:58

And if you have an idea or topic for the show, I'm always open to hear it. You can contact me through my show notes or by visiting my website, menonthepathtolovecom. And if you'd like to talk with me about anything you'd like, you can sign up for a free hour-long coaching session with me. Just go to menonthepathtolovecom. And hey, do me a favor. If you know someone who might get something out of listening to this podcast, then please share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.