The Hidden Cost of Keeping Secrets in Relationship

The secrets we keep in our relationships (especially with us men) seem like a way to keep peace but they can have the opposite effect. In reality, secrets usually protect our own egos, not our loved ones. The psychology behind why men keep secrets has a lot to do with our conditioning.

In this episode, I draw on my own personal experience and years of coaching men through relationship challenges.  I've witnessed how even well-intentioned secrets can create invisible barriers between partners.  I share Carlos & Cindy's story and how Carlos' fear of revealing a piece of his past nearly cost him his relationship.  

Breaking free from secrecy is possible.  You don't have to be perfect, just have the courage to be honest and open. Check out The Hidden Cost of Secrets in Relationship, episode.

Links:

Beyond the Episode

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Secrets in Relationships
• 2:39 Carlos's Story: A Secret Past
• 6:50 Why Men Keep Secrets
• 8:09 The True Cost of Secrecy
• 10:36 Three Steps Toward Honest Connection
• 12:55 From Nice Guy to Real Man

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:11

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast the hidden cost of keeping secrets in relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships, men who want deeper love, real connection and to finally feel like themselves again. I help them become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship, or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love, or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love. So yeah, secrets, man, it's something that many men think they're doing to keep the peace in their relationship.

Bill Simpson: 0:57

But in reality, keeping secrets can end up doing the opposite, creating distance, confusion and distrust in their relationships. And frankly, I was one of those guys in my previous relationship and I've shared this before on this podcast that in my first marriage I had cheated. I'm not proud of it. I was young and immature and it was wrong and man, the impact to having to keep that secret from my wife at the time was very stressful. You know always thinking ahead, having to cover my tracks, thinking up lies or excuses to use, and there was this constant underlying feeling of anxiety, guilt and shame and I couldn't be my authentic self because of the secret I had. It was very reminiscent of when I was a kid, doing things behind my parents' back that I knew they didn't approve.

Bill Simpson: 1:57

Well, I just continued that pattern into my adult relationships and when I finally learned to stop keeping secrets later in life, man, there was this like sense of liberation and freedom that came with it. You know, in just being me, being honest and being open, and it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And when it comes to secrets, it doesn't have to be as heavy as cheating or living a double life. It's the little things that we may hide or minimize or avoid. You know that could be not being honest about your financial state, or holding back about how you really feel about a decision or a situation, keeping quiet about something that's bothering you, maybe DMing women online, or searching porn or dating sites behind her back, hiding past mistakes out of shame or fear that you'll be judged. I mean, there are all kinds of secrets we can keep right.

Bill Simpson: 3:06

Well, I think about one of my clients, who I'll call Carlos, and his partner, cindy, not her real name. Carlos was a good guy, he had a big heart and he didn't have a hurtful bone in his body. He was an IT guy, he was active in his community, he coached Little League Baseball and he just loved life. And he loved Cindy and wanted to marry her. But there was something holding him back, a deep-rooted secret from his past that he was afraid to tell Cindy. He was afraid to tell her because he thought she might leave him if he did. To tell her, because he thought she might leave him if he did.

Bill Simpson: 3:45

I asked Carlos what his secret was and he said that when he was a teenager, that he had spent some time in juvie juvenile detention. He told me that he had been hanging out with some guys that he shouldn't have been hanging out with, and one night Carlos was driving these guys around in his father's car. They were driving around the city having fun, you know, looking for girls, trying to impress them when he sees a cop car with its lights on, motioning him to pull over. Well, apparently one of the cops was being an asshole and was giving the kids a hard time when one of them said something smart to the cop and they were told to get out of the car. And little did Carlos know that one of his friends had stashed some weed and coke in the glove box. Well, long story short, carlos couldn't prove that it wasn't his and his so-called friend didn't fess up, so he was arrested and eventually spent time in juvenile detention.

Bill Simpson: 4:48

It was a huge wake-up call for Carlos and from that point on he was on the straight and narrow, and after hearing his story I could see how he could feel some shame around it for sure. But the way I took it was that it wasn't really his fault. You know, it was just a bad set of circumstances, and I asked him why he thought Cindy wouldn't understand, and he told me that she came from a family of cops her dad and both her two brothers and they had no tolerance for anyone with a record, even though it was expunged. Carlos felt that he would be judged or rejected by the family, and to me it all made sense as to why he was hesitant to share this with Cindy, and I told him that I thought he should share it with her and that I would help him communicate it in a way that might be easier for Cindy to take in.

Bill Simpson: 5:42

Well, Carlos mustered up the courage to tell her, and it didn't go well. Cindy was shocked and angry that he hadn't told her earlier on in their relationship. She was like I never would have dated you had I known we're done. And Carlos was stunned. He was so hurt and felt so ashamed. Well, the next day he got a text from Cindy that she wanted to talk. She had given it a lot of thought and realized how hard it must have been for Carlos to confess his past and trusting her with his secret. She realized too, too, how much she loved Carlos and that she had overreacted. She knew in her heart that he was a good person and she wanted to continue seeing him. And eventually those two got married and the family embraced him, and it's a beautiful thing. So you can see by Carlos' story how hard it can be to share a secret and what it almost cost him, right?

Bill Simpson: 6:50

Now, why does it happen that we, as men have a tendency to keep secrets? According to the research about the psychology of secrecy, people often keep secrets to avoid conflict, to protect their self-image, their ego or to maintain some sort of control. And for men especially, many of us were raised to believe that sharing something vulnerable makes us weak, or that protecting our partner from hard truths is somehow manly or the noble thing to do, but the truth is, keeping secrets is usually about protecting ourselves, not the other person, and over time, those secrets, whether they're big or small, start to create distance because the walls start to go up and, according to the research, secrecy is associated with lower relationship satisfaction, less intimacy and increased anxiety for the person. Keeping the secret, like I was saying about me earlier and keeping things inside doesn't just create distance between you and your partner. It creates distance between you and yourself.

Bill Simpson: 8:07

So what's the cost of these secrets? Well, I'm going to break it down for you. One thing is that trust starts to fade and, even if the secret never comes out, your partner still feels the disconnect. Creating a safe emotional space depends on being honest and open. It's not about hiding behind a mask, trying to be perfect in her eyes and I can relate to that. Yeah, it's just being honest and open.

Bill Simpson: 8:41

Another thing that I mentioned a couple of times, and that's the chronic anxiety and stress that can come with keeping secrets. You know, carrying the weight of something you're trying to hide can lead to increased stress, insomnia, staying up all night worried and even physical health issues as a result, and it takes a lot of energy to keep those walls up, to keep those secrets in. And there's also the feeling of being disconnected from your values. When you keep secrets, and what I mean by that is, the more you fall out of alignment with who you want to be as a man and as a partner or husband and of course guilt and shame can creep in. That can cause you to lose your self-esteem, self-respect and self-confidence.

Bill Simpson: 9:33

And one more thing I'll add which is so important to understand, and that is you miss out on a great opportunity to create true intimacy. Vulnerability is the strength here and it is the path to a deeper connection. When you share something that's hard for you and your partner meets you with empathy, that's where intimacy grows. That's what happened with Carlos when Cindy met him with empathy. And you know you might be thinking well, you know what she doesn't know won't hurt her. Well, I hate to burst your bubble there, but the research says that the mere act of hiding the secret, even if no one finds out, leads to mental stress and emotional fatigue. Look, you're not just hiding something from your partner, you're carrying the weight of it every day and again that weight can wear you down. So if keeping secrets is so costly, what do you do instead? Well, I'm going to give you three steps to think about and try.

Bill Simpson: 10:42

The first step is get clear on why you're keeping the secret in the first place. You know. Ask yourself am I afraid of conflict? Am I embarrassed? Am I trying to protect my stellar image? Well, being honest with yourself is the first step. All right, honest with yourself is the first step, all right.

Bill Simpson: 11:07

Next is start with the small stuff, the small truths. Yeah, you don't have to spill your guts all at once, you know. Start by sharing something honest that feels slightly uncomfortable and watch how your spouse or partner responds. And then notice how you feel after and, as you get used to that, then eventually, if necessary, add the rest of what you might be hiding. And the third step is don't just tell your secret. Make an effort to repair any damage you may have caused with your secret. You know if you've been keeping something from your partner, be prepared to take ownership of that. Apologize sincerely, like I mentioned in the last episode. Be willing to answer questions and have empathy for the impact that it's caused, not just your intentions or that you didn't mean to do it. And look, you don't need to be perfect, but you do need to be honest if you want a relationship that can truly grow for the long term of the relationship.

Bill Simpson: 12:14

All right, so here's the bottom line. Secrets may seem harmless, yet now you know that they come with a price, and that price is they can create emotional distance, erode trust, intimacy starts to fade and you drift apart, making it even more challenging to get back on track. And listen, man, you're not alone. I've been there and so many other men have been there. You don't have to carry it all alone and you don't have to be ashamed or feel guilty of what you've hidden, because the power is in the truth. It will set you free and it's where the healing can begin.

Bill Simpson: 13:00

All right, my quote this week comes from psychologist and relationship expert, dr Alexandra Solomon. She says quote a relationship based on secrecy is built on sand. It might stand for a while, but it can't weather the storms. Unquote. All right, you hear that. No more secrets. All right, you hear that no more secrets. And listen, if this episode hit home for you and if you're carrying a secret again, you're not the only one, and if you want help navigating that journey, please reach out to me. This is the work I do with men. Just visit my website, menonthepathtolovecom, and that will do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the hidden cost of keeping secrets in relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I thank you for listening.

Bill Simpson: 14:01

Now coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, have you ever been called a nice guy? Or? I'm sure you know a nice guy right, and what I mean by nice guy is the guy who always goes along with what you're saying, who doesn't rock the boat, always looking for approval, avoids conflict at all costs. You know a nice guy Well, years ago I interviewed a guy named Kelly Bryson who wrote a book called Don't Be Nice, be Real Balancing passion for self with compassion for others. And man, it had a huge impact on me, recognizing my own nice guy tendencies.

Bill Simpson: 14:40

Please join me for the From Nice to Real Breaking Free of the Nice Guy syndrome. Please join me for the from nice to real breaking free of the nice guy syndrome in relationship episode. And, as always, if you have a topic or idea for the show, let me know about it. You can reach me from my show notes or my website. Once again, it's manonthepathtolovecom, and if you got some value out of listening to this podcast, then please share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.