From Nice to Real: Breaking Free of the ‘Nice Guy’ Syndrome in Relationship

Are you the guy who's always been called "nice" or "great" but somehow your relationships don't work out? Feeling frustrated from always giving, sacrificing, and keeping the peace only to see things fall apart. It isn't your fault - and you're definitely not alone.

The nice guy syndrome isn't about being too kind. It's about being inauthentically nice because of fear, shame, and the belief that love must be earned through approval. 

Many men develop these tendencies in childhood as survival mechanisms, teaching boys to disconnect from their authentic selves and create a polished, people-pleasing image that follows them into adulthood and sabotages their relationships. I know that from my own personal experience.

In this episode, I share Brad's story and how he broke free from his nice guy tendencies and the impact it had on his relationship. I give you tips on how you can do the same. Check out the From Nice to Real: Breaking Free of the ‘Nice Guy’ Syndrome in Relationship, episode.

Links:

Beyond the Episode

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Nice Guy Syndrome
• 3:20 Underlying Fears and Childhood Origins
• 4:57 Brad's Story: The Nice Guy Journey
• 8:40 From Nice to Real: Practical Steps
• 13:35 Episode Wrap-Up and Next Episode

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:14

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast from nice to real breaking free of the nice guy syndrome in a relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships, men who want deeper love, real connection and to finally feel like themselves again. I help them become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready find, so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson: 0:52

So this episode is for the guy who has always been told he's a nice guy or a great guy, but somehow things still fall apart. You know, he gives, he sacrifices, he avoids conflict, he keeps the peace, and yet his relationships are filled with frustration, they're unfulfilling and often it's like they're slipping through his fingers. Now, if that sounds familiar, you're not alone. I've been a nice guy, I know. And, more importantly, fellas, it's not your fault. The good news is, there is a way to move beyond the nice guy syndrome.

Bill Simpson: 1:34

So what is the nice guy syndrome? It's a term that was popularized by Dr Robert Glover in his book no More, mr Nice Guy. And despite the name, this isn't about men being too nice, okay, it's about men being inauthentically nice because they're driven by fear, shame, guilt and the unconscious belief that love has to be earned by getting someone's approval. Here are some nice guy behaviors. And see if you recognize any of these within yourself, or I'm sure you'll know someone with these behaviors, okay.

Bill Simpson: 2:13

So the nice guy avoids conflict at all costs. He withholds his own needs, his own desires and his own opinions. He tries to be what others want him to be. He seeks validation through fixing the problem or caretaking, and he believes that as long as I'm a good boy, if I'm good, I'll be loved. Any of this sound familiar? Yeah, so what's underneath this kind of behavior, this nice guy syndrome? Usually it's a deep fear of rejection or abandonment, or being seen as selfish, or that they're not enough just the way they are. And even though the nice guy may seem easygoing or generous, but often underneath it is a lot of resentment, passive aggression and even a subtle manipulation. You know doing nice things in hopes that they'll get love or sex or get some kind of approval in return, not for the simple sake of being nice.

Bill Simpson: 3:21

So where does this come from??

Bill Simpson: 3:24

Well, the research suggests that many men developed the nice guy traits as kind of a survival technique or as a way to adapt to certain situations in childhood. Maybe dad was overly critical or emotionally unavailable, so being a good boy became a way to stay out of trouble. Or maybe mom was too dependent on her son for emotional support and he learned he had to abandon his own needs to keep others happy. And I know as a kid I parentified my father after the loss of my mother and oldest brother within a year's time, but he never checked in with me in how I was doing, and I learned later in life that what was happening to me was I was suppressing my needs to be there for him and I just thought that's what I had to do.

Bill Simpson: 4:18

Now, in some cases the nice guy syndrome can come from being rejected or shamed as a child, where he has to disconnect from his authentic, true self and replace it with a more refined, people-pleasing self-image. And as they grow up into adulthood, this creates men who seem to be agreeable but feel deeply disconnected, especially in romantic relationships where authenticity, intimacy and healthy boundaries are essential.

Bill Simpson: 4:53

Here's a story to help illustrate the whole nice guy syndrome. It's Brad's story, and all the names are changed. Of course. Brad was struggling in his relationship with Jen, his partner for five years. She said that he was a good man, he was supportive, responsible, never yelled. But she didn't really feel him. You know, in her eyes he was always like performing, you know, doing what he thought she wanted, but never really letting her in. And Jen told him that she felt alone emotionally in the relationship. And after hearing this, brad was heartbroken. He was like I do everything for her, I never complain. You know, I'm not like one of these jerks you used to date. Why isn't that enough for her?

Bill Simpson: 5:46

Well, as Brad did the work, it came up that he had learned early in life that setting boundaries was considered selfish and his mom modeled that being honest about her feelings and what she needed might upset someone. And he couldn't handle that. And he witnessed that the few times his mom would advocate for herself in front of him and his dad would yell and scream at her, would advocate for herself in front of him and his dad would yell and scream at her. So Brad learned vicariously through his mom not to do it himself, not to say things that would upset his dad right.

Bill Simpson: 6:21

So fast forward to Jen. Instead of telling her what he really felt, he'd stuff it down like he did as a kid, and if she said something that hurt, oh, he would just say, I'm fine, you know I'm all right when he really wasn't all right. And if she crossed the line, you know he would just eat it and carry on, no big deal. But over time he started to feel invisible in the relationship and Jen felt emotionally disconnected. Here's the breakthrough With having this new awareness, brad began practicing honesty in small ways.

Bill Simpson: 7:01

He also started to identify his feelings, even when they were messy, you know. He learned to set boundaries, not with anger or force, but with a calm and firm position. And this was really hard for Brad at first, and he got better at it as he started to see how effective it was. He started to feel more empowered, feeling like himself again. He stopped over apologizing, he started asking for what he needed without guilt or shame, and the first time he said to Jen nope, I need some time to myself tonight. Jen didn't freak out. In fact, she respected him more because he was finally showing up as himself, not some polished version of the perfect boyfriend.

Bill Simpson: 7:50

Now, they had some really tough conversations and it wasn't easy for them, but the thing is it was the first time they were actually connecting on a deep level, being honest and real with each other, and that is where the true healing of their relationship began. Brad's awareness of his nice guy tendencies and doing the work made all the difference. Now Brad's still a nice guy who now sets boundaries, advocates for himself, says what he feels and needs, and he's much more confident and has a deeper sense of connection and compassion.

Bill Simpson: 8:34

So how do you get from nice to real? What does it take to break free of the nice guy syndrome? Well, it doesn't mean becoming a rude, selfish or emotionally attached asshole no, or emotionally attached asshole no. It simply means being real, which is not so simple for some folks, where being real is a learned behavior and it can be really scary for them. And that's okay, it's part of the process. And if you're a nice guy, believe me, you're not alone. I know firsthand because I had these nice guy tendencies as well.

Bill Simpson: 9:14

So what does being real mean? It means setting boundaries and doing it by being kind and direct, not wishy-washy or aggressive. It's expressing your needs and doing it without shame or guilt. You are entitled to ask for what you need, and it's vital in a relationship if you want it to work for the long term and let go of the idea that love has to be earned by being good enough man. You're already good enough. Just being you and let people see your flaws, your opinions and your truth.

Bill Simpson: 9:53

Man, when I'm on video, I see all my flaws, man. You know my bald head, my teeth and everything. You know my old age, whatever. We've all got these flaws, we've got our opinions and we have our own truths, so you have a right to have yours. Okay, so just be you. And the thing about being real is that the more real or authentic you become, the more trust, intimacy and attraction you will create. You know, most women aren't looking for perfection, guys. They want a man who can be open and honest with their emotions, to be present and to advocate for themselves, to be real and still care deeply.

Bill Simpson: 10:44

Now, if you're listening to this and you're seeing yourself in Brad or seeing yourself as a nice guy, I'm going to give you three steps you can actually take today, and they're in no particular order, by the way, but we'll start with the first step. Name one need that you've been hiding, like I talked about in the last episode about secrets. Yeah, name one need and say it out loud, even if it's just to yourself. Get used to the idea and then, when you're used to it, you can share one thing you've been hiding.

Bill Simpson: 11:17

The next step is set one small boundary this week, even if, or especially if, it feels uncomfortable. You've got to get out of your comfort zone to make any change stick okay.

Bill Simpson: 11:32

And the third step is to look at where in your life you perform, or you pretend to be, this nice guy rather than showing up as your full, true self. And this isn't about over-correcting and becoming an asshole, right, it's about aligning your actions with your values, what matters to you, and letting go of the fear that simply being you, your true, authentic self, isn't enough. No, you are absolutely enough. Everyone is.

Bill Simpson: 12:07

And listen, if you've been the nice guy, don't beat yourself up or shame yourself for it. You're doing the best you can with what you've learned or had modeled for you, like Brad. And now, with having this awareness, it's your chance to do better. You get to change this pattern and upgrade to a new one. You get to break the cycle, man, going from people-pleasing to being real with yourself and with your partner, going from nice to real.

Bill Simpson: 12:40

I'm going to sum up this whole nice guy syndrome with a quote from Dr Robert Glover, who came up with the term and who I referenced earlier. He's the author of the book no More, mr Nice Guy. He says, quote Recovery from the nice guy syndrome involves reclaiming one's personal power, learning to set boundaries and living authentically."

Bill Simpson: 13:04

And there you go and listen. If you'd like some support in this work I know it's hard let's talk. You don't have to figure it all out alone. You can reach me through my website, menonthepathtolovecom, and that will do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, from nice to real breaking free from the nice guy syndrome in relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thanks so much for listening. I do appreciate it Now coming up next time on the Men on the Path to Love podcast.

Bill Simpson: 13:42

After working in a health clinic for 10 years, I've noticed a couple of things. The majority of patients we see are women and when I talk to the women in my practice, I hear over and over about how the men they love are not taking care of themselves. They don't go to the doctor, they don't eat right, they don't talk about their emotions, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's again what I say a lot. It's our conditioning, unfortunately.

Bill Simpson: 14:12

Well, on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, I'm going to shed some light on the importance of self-care and how it can make your relationship so much better. Some of it's just common sense and there could be some things you might not realize. So please join me for "How taking care of yourself strengthens your relationship episode.

Bill Simpson: 14:34

And if this nice guy episode spoke to you, well, please share it with a nice guy in your life who needs to hear it. All right, yeah, share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.