How Taking Care of Yourself Strengthens Your Relationship

Many men have been conditioned to believe that putting themselves last is what means to being a good partner. This type of conditioning could be sabotaging your connection and happiness.

The truth is, (and research confirms this) that your personal well-being directly influences your relationship satisfaction. When you're exhausted, irritable, or disconnected from yourself, it's nearly impossible to show up fully for your partner. Self-care isn't selfish—it's the foundation that keeps love alive!

Throughout this episode, I explore what self-care looks like for men.  I share  JB's story, whose heart attack became a wake-up call that transformed both his health and his marriage. I also share some ways on how you can start taking care of yourself now and live the life you love! Check out the How Taking Care of Yourself Strengthens Your Relationship, episode.

Chapters

• 0:15 Welcome to Men on the Path
• 1:33 The Myth of Self-Sacrifice in Relationships
• 3:30 What Self-Care Really Looks Like
• 5:43 JB's Wake-Up Call Story
• 8:58 Three Ways to Start Better Self-Care
• 11:29 The Leadership Decision to Love Yourself

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:15

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the how taking care of yourself strengthens your relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships, men who want deeper love, real connection and to finally feel like themselves again. I help them become the best version of themselves, for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson: 0:50

So, after 10 years of working at a health clinic, there are a couple of things I noticed. One is that most of our patients are women. And two, a lot of the women patients I see often complain about the men that they love not taking care of themselves. They don't go to the doctor, they don't eat right, don't exercise and so on. And then there are the guys who do everything for their partners, you know, providing fixing, being there for everything, but quietly neglecting the one thing that could make the biggest difference in his relationship and that's taking care of himself. And

Bill Simpson: 1:31

I'm going to start with the myth that a lot of men were raised with, and that is being a good partner means putting your own needs aside. You know, we're told that self-care is selfish, that if you take time for yourself, you're not being a strong man or a good husband or father. But here's the truth Neglecting yourself doesn't make you a better partner. It makes you a resentful, burned-out and disconnected partner. And when you don't feel good about you, it's almost impossible to show up fully in your relationship. In fact, research from the Journal of Marriage and Family shows that individual well-being is directly linked to relationship satisfaction. The better you feel mentally, physically and emotionally, the better your connection with your partner, the better your connection with your partner. So taking care of yourself is not just good for you, it's good, or even essential, I'd say, for your relationships as well.

Bill Simpson: 2:33

So what are some of the ways that we, as men, don't take care of ourselves? Well, like I mentioned, avoiding going to the doctor, or maybe it's ignoring pain or other symptoms you may have for fear that it might be something Stuffing our emotions instead of processing them. Working ourselves into the ground to provide or to show our worth. Skipping meals or lack of sleep or rest because we have responsibilities quote, unquote. And avoiding any kind of hobby or just playing out fun or even friendships, because there's no time for that shit.

Bill Simpson: 3:13

Now, each of these might seem small, but over time, they can chip away at your well-being and your ability to show up in a healthy way in your relationship. So what does self-care actually look like for men? Well, it doesn't have to be spa days and scented candles and all that. If that's what you're thinking, though. If that's your thing, go for it.

Bill Simpson: 3:39

No judgment here but what I'm talking about when I say self-care is your mental and emotional health, you know, taking responsibility for your emotional life and not depending on her to do it. It's taking care of your physical health, getting regular checkups, paying attention to and respecting your body and your energy level. It's about your spiritual health, and this doesn't have to be religion. It's as simple as having a sense of purpose and connecting with life and others in a meaningful way.

Bill Simpson: 4:18

Self-care is also setting boundaries in your relationship and with others, saying no when it matters. It's maintaining your self-esteem, your self-confidence and self-compassion. And then there's taking time for R&R, some rest and relaxation, which is hard for a lot of us, right? Well, it's all about de-stressing man, giving yourself space to just be. After all, we're human beings, not human doings, right?

Bill Simpson: 4:52

There was a study in 2020 from the American Psychological Association, and it showed that men who actively manage their stress and emotional health have better communications, lower reactivity and overall, higher relationship satisfaction. So think about it, man. If you're exhausted, irritable, disconnected or feeling unfulfilled and if you're exhausted, irritable, disconnected or feeling unfulfilled, how can you show up with any kind of patience or presence in your relationship, or even passion? And self-care isn't self-indulgence, no, it's a way to improve your ability to love well, and that includes the love for yourself, your partner and others. And that includes the love for yourself, your partner and others.

Bill Simpson: 5:39

I think about my friend JB, not his real name. He was a radio colleague of mine back in the day. And man, this guy was burning the candle at both ends, traveling back and forth from DC and New York every week, from his full-time job in DC to his weekend gigs in New York. And I remember him bragging that he hadn't had a day off in a month. I joked and said man, you're going to kill yourself at that pace. He just laughed and said oh, you sound just like my wife. I got to make that money, man.

Bill Simpson: 6:15

Well, it wasn't too funny when he ended up having a heart attack one night after he got off the air, and thank God he survived, and the blessing was that this was a wake-up call for JB, he said the tears and the look on his wife's face when she saw him in his hospital bed was something that he never wanted to see again, and he told me that once she found out that he was going to be okay, she let him have it. Man, she was so mad and told him that she was worried sick and that he had to get his shit together and start taking care of himself or she was done, and that no amount of money was worth dying for. And that no amount of money was worth dying for.

Bill Simpson: 6:57

Well, JB took what she said to heart and at that point he decided to change his ways. He listened to his doctor, he started eating better, started exercising, sleeping more. He let go of his New York gigs, which in turn gave him more time to spend with his wife. He made sure that there was plenty of downtime for the two of them to just be together, and their connection and intimacy grew deeper. She noticed the change and was so relieved and happy in their relationship, and they started going to church and JB even started meditating. He had a whole new lease on life, and from my vantage point it was like a miracle, you know. I mean this was a JB I had never seen before and thought I never would.

Bill Simpson: 7:50

And I'll never forget, it was about a year after his heart attack. We were on our way to a concert. He was driving and normally he would drive like 10 or 20 miles over the speed limit and this time he was driving right at the speed limit and sometimes a little below the speed limit, and it was getting close to the time the concert was to start and we weren't even there yet and I was getting anxious and I was like, hurry up, jb, we're going to be late. And he just smiled and said "well, I guess we'll have to be late. Since the heart attack I'm not rushing for nobody. Then he said that having this heart attack was the best thing that ever happened to him, because it led him to live his best life, not just in his marriage, which was originally why he decided to make the change, but it was for his life in general, and that he was so grateful and he'd always say life's too short. You got to stop and smell those roses, man. And he was right. A lesson for us all.

Bill Simpson: 8:56

So it's pretty obvious that taking care of yourself is good, yeah, and the thing is, you don't have to wait for a major crisis, like a heart attack, to wake you up to take care of yourself. You can start right now. Now is the best time, and if not now, when, right? So what can you do now to start making a shift? Well, I'm going to give you three powerful ways to take care of yourself. Okay, the first is reclaim or find a practice that grounds you.

Bill Simpson: 9:30

Think about what's one thing that used to bring you peace or give you energy, or what you would like to bring you peace or energy. Maybe it's working out. Could be journaling, running, walking, breathing, meditating, whatever. Just pick one and schedule 15 minutes for it for this week. That's it. It's not selfish, it's smart. Selfish, it's smart and it's a start, okay.

Bill Simpson: 10:02

And the next way is to think about one thing that you need and say it out loud. I've talked about this the past couple of episodes. Say one honest thing you need right now in your relationship. It could be I need some time to chill and reset. It could be I need help with the kids, or I need to talk about what I've been holding in. This is emotional self-care and it helps to create connection.

Bill Simpson: 10:28

The third way is to make a list of when you're running on empty. It's like when your check engine light goes on. Okay, make a list. Could be on your phone, in a journal or a notebook, whatever. Write down the signs that you're running low. You start to empty your gas tank. You know that check engine light starts going on. What do you feel and what are your thoughts? Or what do you do when you're running on empty? Do you just keep pushing and pushing and pushing? That's a lot of what we do, right? Well, when you notice the early warning signs of when you're running on empty, it helps you course correct before you burn out and cause damage to yourself and your relationship. So those are just a few steps to help you get started in shifting your mindset around self-care. Take action and do it. Okay.

Bill Simpson: 11:21

You know the bottom line here is understanding that taking care of yourself is not a luxury, it's essential and, if you think about it, it's really a leadership decision. You know being a good leader for yourself and a role model for others, especially other men, and know that you can't love fully if you're running on fumes, right? You can't connect deeply if you're disconnected from yourself and you can't be emotionally available to your partner, if you're not emotionally available for yourself, available to your partner, if you're not emotionally available for yourself. Now, if this episode woke up something inside of you, take one step this week to take care of the man in the mirror, because you are worth it and your relationship deserves the best version of you. You know, not the burned out one, okay. And if you need some support with this work, I'm here for you. Just visit my website, menonthepathtolovecom, and let's talk, all right. All right.

Bill Simpson: 12:26

This week's quote comes from Bell Hooks, the author of the Will to Change Men, masculinity and Love. She says, quote men can only give to others what they are first willing to give to themselves love, care and emotional presence. Unquote. Yeah, that's taking care of yourself and that will strengthen your relationship, your relationship. And on that note, I'll bring this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast to a close the how Taking Care of Yourself Strengthens your Relationship episode.

Bill Simpson: 13:08

My name is Bill Simpson. I thank you for listening. Now coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast what happens when your relationship starts to feel crowded or when your need for alone time gets mistaken for emotional distance. Well, in the next episode, I'm going to dig into this crucial but often overlooked aspect of healthy relationships, and that is personal space. Please join me for the "Your Space, My Space, Our Space: The Importance of Personal Space in Relationship episode. And if you like what you heard in this episode, then by all means do me a solid and those who need to hear it a solid and share the link to this podcast and share the love and until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.